Let's face it. Relationships are hard. Interacting closely with another person is probably the most human thing that we do, a true representation of the "twoness" of this world, as Shakti Gawain calls it. In relationships we are constantly faced with a reflection of our actions, with new problems to solve, new challenges to face. As we grow, our relationships change, and sometimes holding our growth back, maybe as a safety net or maybe as an anchor, and sometimes accelerating our change. Our relationships keep us grounded, and allow us to fly. From the relationship with our mother at birth, to our relationship with caretakers as we lay dying, relationships shape and define our lives.

All relationships are the same. They all exercise different facets of ourselves, but any time when two people meet face to face, they form an instant unit, working together on their own issues around the interaction. This may be as simple as exchanging chat with a cashier, or as complex as a long term relationship with a life partner. All relationships we have with others revolve around boundaries that interface between you and them, the edges of ourselves. As traditions of etiquette and the range of options open to us have changed, those boundaries have gotten less and less clear.

Perhaps there is no more complex example of changing boundaries than the pair-bonded heterosexual marriage. The institution of marriage has been with us a long time, but like any other social construct it has been shaped by custom and ritual into what we see today. The meaning of marriage changing from economic bond to romantic connection, the opening up of roles, the requirement for a two income marriage, all of these things have created major changes in our traditional view of marriage.

There are many people who study these changes in marriage. They look at important issues, like how stress affects pairbonded couples, stresses like disability, illness, family needs, money, employment and all sorts of other issues. This is important work, for it is clear that the traditional pair-bonded heterosexual marriage will continue to be the backbone of this culture for a long time.

But it is also clear that alternatives to this model will continue to flourish. Mature people are redefining their relationships to meet their own unique needs. As we mature and change, we need our relationships to change with us. This may mean moving apart, or may mean new ways of being together.

It is clear that bringing transgender into a classic pair bonded relationship puts everything in play. The traditional balance that comes from the pairing of a boy and a girl is truly challenged when one of the partners does a profound gender shift.

We have people around the gender community who say they "speak for the women in the community." By this they claim to speak for the female-born partners of transgendered women in traditional pair bounded relationships, not to speak for transgendered women, or women who choose to be men, or any other women. They claim the high ground of womanhood for the female-born. We even have conferences like SPICE, which forbid males to express transgender by dress during the conference.

These groups come out of the historical model of "heterosexual crossdressing," a model founded on the premise of males wearing women's clothing as a compulsive behavior. The proponents of these conferences talk about the amount of stress that the behavior of crossdressing puts on a relationship, often forcing the female partner into difficulty, forcing her to keep the secret, confront issues, and cope with her own responses to the behavior. They create manifestoes that purport to define the obligations of the crossdresser in relation to the female partner, and focus on how to manage the behavior.

There is no doubt that women who have been surprised by the revelation of transgender in their relationships have a lot to deal with. They are the unwelcome recipients of the shame that transgendered people have developed all their lives, and are forced to cope with issues of intimacy and rage that have grown over the years.

They are forced to deal with stigma, and often with the issues of secrecy and denial. They can be isolated even while having to face their own issues. They thought they were going to follow a nice normal unchallenging rut, but the issues of transgender mean that they must now live an examined life that most are not prepared for. As transgender is exposed, both partners have to go through a growth process that is often painful and difficult, even while often having to maintain a home for growing children, a huge challenge in itself, one that support systems can help.

In this case of a surprise revelation, transgender (and the symptom of crossdressing) can be seen as another stress on traditional relationships. Often the goal for the female-born partner is to find a way to minimize the expression by managing, a contradiction to the transgendered partner, who wants to find a way to happiness, not the simple maintenance of stability.

The real issue in transgender relationships, as opposed to the issues of managing crossdressing behaviors in a traditional relationship, is how to completely reinvent relationships so that neither partner is bound by gender roles. For a culture that most often defines identity negatively, announcing that I am "not them," this can be hard. Each partner has to find out who they are rattler than assuming a traditional role, one often handed down from parents or TV shows. Transgender forces both partners to come as whole people, not as half people looking to find what they are missing in another. This is a real challenge.

It is a good thing to look at stresses on traditional pair-bonded heterosexual relationships, and there is no doubt that the revelation of transgender is a significant stress, one that can he assisted with support.

But the real work of looking at transgender and relationships is looking at how we can redefine relationships beyond the traditional structures, like the obligation of only one person being the "woman." Many of us are trying to make new models, and we need to share them with each other.

Relationships are hard. But bringing maturity, authenticity and wholeness to them, going beyond labels, may just make them easier-and more fulfilling.

Callan Williams Copyright 1995 - Gender Quest