TO FORM A MORE PERFECT UNION
by Dee Davis

The title is pirated from the Preface of the U.S. Constitution, but the phrase is a critical one for any hetrosexual crossdresser.

As a survey of the psychological literature, heck, as even a quick glance at any popular women's magazine shows, forming more perfect unions with the people in their lives is a near obsession with most women. So if you want to convince your significant other that your obsession with feminine frippery and frou-frou is a serious exploration of your femininity and not just a self-indulgent dive into forbidden fruits, you too will take seriously the goal of forming a more perfect union with your wife, life-partner, significant other, or steady girlfriend.

If focusing on the quality of one's relationships seems to come so naturally for women, why do we men so rarely give it more than a passing thought? In a sense, the question is unanswerable. In studying the ways children play, child psychologists have found that even little girls will change the rules of their game if they find that those rules are upsetting one of their playmates. They will even make the game easier for the other side to win, if even one of their opponents is getting unhappy enough with the game as to threaten to quit. It's more important to them to maintain the play relationship than to win.

Little boys on the other hand will vehemently defend the rules, as originally set down, no matter how difficult they are to maintain for the simple reason that it would be "unfair" to change the rules in the middle of the game. Any player who would quit over the felt injustice of the rules would simply be branded a "crybaby" and a "quitter" and not only be allowed to quit, but probably be banished from the play group.

Unsurprisingly, when these girls grow up they're advised by a recent article in Glamour magazine to listen carefully to their fellows' stories not so much for the events themselves, but for the underlying desires. 'Is your man looking for power or for connectedness?' Guess which one is the right answer, from the feminine perspective?

And here we all thought that what women desired in us were larger phallic symbols! As any worldly woman can tell, it's not how much you've got, but how you use it.

So what does this have to do with our sweethearts and our crossdressing. Plenty.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard what a perfect marriage I have. I do? I didn't think anything, let alone my marriage, was perfect. Even if it's not perfect, if my wife and I have learned to handle my crossdressing better than you've managed with your ladylove, let's take a quick look at why and how.

In the first place, I told her about my special gift right when we were on the verge of getting serious with one another. That is, when it became important for the two of us that she find out about me. When I told her, I made sure the timing was good and that I presented crossdressing in a positive light. Before I told her, I arranged for a support system for her with the wife of one fellow club member and the significant other of another.

Even if that doesn't describe how you told, it's never too late to do damage control along those lines. But that won't happen unless you make improving your relationship a priority and give importance to your lover's feelings.

And that's the next point: I have always tried to remember that it took me 30 some years to get comfortable with my crossdressing, and it is my thing. While I never asked to be a crossdresser, my wife definitely never wanted it in her man. If she even dreamed such a thing could happen to her! Furthermore, I recognized that even after I came out, even after I came to enjoy crossdressing, I've occasionally asked myself, "What am I doing here?" and felt self conscious about my "hobby"

So even though we've been to all kinds of club events together and even out to dinner and the movies on our own, I realize that she too is going to have those same moments of doubt and pain that I've had. Those feelings are a natural part of any activity, so I don't let them upset me.

I also make sure that I don't take her participation in my secret life for granted. I never assume she's coming to a given event, I always ask. And I graciously accept her decision.

I rarely hang around the house en femme at night. When she comes home from work, she usually wants a male shoulder to lean on. Even if I'm having a femme day that she's agreed to, but comes home in need of Dave's support, I'll change in an eye blink and be there for her. Gladly. She's more important to me than another fews hours in a skirt. I can always do that; I can't always give her what she needs when she needs it.

In short, we've come up with some practices and limits that feel comfortable and work for us.

What I've gotten for this patience and understanding is a close friend with whom I can share fashion and make-up ideas. She'll come home from shopping for herself and report on clothes or accessories she's seen which she thinks I'd look good in. She's gotten a scout who finds resale shops and other boutiques she might have missed. And a willing shopping companion.

Why shouldn't I? When we go to those places if we find something that might work for me, she'll try it on and model it for me!

Oh, your special someone isn't your size? No matter, you can still learn to share, and more importantly, you can use her good example as a model for learning how to put importance on the things that matter to her. Every so often, my spouse will ask, "Why am I helping you with this?" And I'll remind her that because she loves me, she's proud of me and always wants me to look and be the best I can be. Can we all honestly say we fully return the caring that the women in our lives give us?

I'm not sure I do, but I'm trying.

Maybe that's all we can do and how we can best define the perfect marriage. Before we got engaged, a counselor told us the average couple fights twice a week. When we've had a particularly tough week, we'll ask, "Are we up to quota (for fighting) yet?" We've come to realize that it is important to stay up to quota, because it's important to our relationship that we each care deeply about things, that we have differences in our opinions, but most importantly that we communicate about our feelings. And that's what leads to couples fighting.

The couple that doesn't fight either doesn't care about very much, including maybe one another, or doesn't communicate.

So if you want your significant other to relate better to your crossdressing do the following. One, come to peace with it yourself. Two, communicate about it. Three, understand she isn't going to feel the same way you do about it and that's her prerogative. Four, you need to find your own way, as a couple, for dealing with it and come up with limits that feel comfortable for both of you. Five, use this issue as practice for dealing with other issues. If you two can live together with this; you can handle ANYTHING.