ON BECOMING REAL

What is REAL?" Asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender; before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a very long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real"

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes, "said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?

"It doesn't happen all at once, "said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, because once you am Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

The above passage is taken from the children's' book, "The Velveteen Rabbit", written by Margery Williams. Some time ago, Linda gave me this book to share with my three year old son, who I see on weekends. I am sure that she had no idea how much impact this simple story would have upon me. "REAL." I can almost pinpoint the exact moment that Vanessa started to "become" real. It was when Linda told her that she loved her. Though Vanessa had been part of relationships before, never had she been told that she was loved. In a very short time, Vanessa started to see and experience life in a new way. For nearly forty years, Vanessa's existence had been "tolerated", at best, by those with whom she had relationships. Up until the first time Vanessa was told that she was loved, her life was like a beautiful flower with no scent.

Vanessa's becoming "real", had nothing to do with how she was made or what she looked like. It was because of "who" she was and that she was loved.

In the wisdom of the Skin Horse, being real can hurt. For all of her life, up until that moment, Vanessa was afraid to open up to anyone for fear of being either only partially accepted or completely rejected. For Vanessa to let down the "walls" that surrounded and protected her was risky. Yet, only then could she be loved. And in being loved, she became real. And, in becoming real, Vanessa began to experience joy, sorrow, happiness and sadness.

As with the toys, when they are really loved, it matters not what their appearance may be. They are simply and purely loved for who and what they are, and not in spite of it. To be loved unconditionally, by a partner who understands that we are all multifaceted people with various flaws, strengths, dreams, hopes and fantasies is the greatest gift of all. Together, Linda and I hope to work towards establishing a spouses' and partners' support group within C.O.T.A. (another Sister Interest Group) as well as continuing the goal of Sigma Beta towards being a group in which couples are welcomed and supported. Many of our member couples know as well as we, that it is possible this to successfully integrate the "other woman" into a relationship. We also realize that there are many more who are still struggling with this issue.

We personally assure you that your relationship can blossom and be more intimate, caring and loving than you have ever dreamed, if you learn to accept your partner as they are, "loved off hair and all."

Once you are loved, you become real. Once you are real, you can't be ugly.