Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
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At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live, Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
On-line Chat Attack by ......?......
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back, undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: [logged off]
WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds Interpreted
CODE WORD = MEANING
40-ish = 48
Adventurer = Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate = Possessive
Artist = Unreliable
Athletic = Flat chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Commitment-minded = Pick out curtains, now!
Contagious Smile = Bring your penicillin
Educated = College dropout
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Employed = Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera = Snob
Enjoys Nature = Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty = Would frighten a Martian
Feminist = Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure = One paycheck from the street
Free spirit = Substance user
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
Humorous = Caustic
Intuitive = Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition = Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker = Lush
Looks younger = If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel = If you're paying
Loves Animals = Cat lady
Mature = Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional = Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud
Passionate = Loud
Petite = Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Bitch
Redhead = Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable = Frumpy
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Self-employed = Jobless
Smart = Insipid
Special = Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual = Involved with a cult
Stable = Boring
Tall, thin = Anorexic
Tan = Wrinkled
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight prop. to height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = One step away from stalking
Widow = Nagged first husband to death
Writer = Pompous
Young at heart = Toothless crone
Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:
40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate = Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist = Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking = Fat, grey, and bald
Educated = Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed = On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure = I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit = Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = Arrogant bastard
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive female = Would be better off with a Labrador retriever
Light drinker = Headed for AA
Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks = I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear
Mature = Until you get to know him
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit = I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself
Poet = Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated
Professional = Owns a white button down
Reliable = Shows up on time-give or take 3 hours
Self-employed = Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive = Needy
Smart = Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV"
Spiritual = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
Stable = Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile = Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Some "profound" insights to an age-old conundrum...
Plato:
For the greater good.
Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.
Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:
National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:
For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:
'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
The Sphinx:
You tell me.
Sappho:
Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and
we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omelette.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of
avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:
Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Johnny Cochran:
The chicken didn't cross the road. It was planted there by the police as part of a conspiracy to frame the species!
Rodney King:
Why can't the chicken just cross the road?
Bill Clinton:
Did some one say Chicken McNuggets?
How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!
1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".
Subject: Unusual behavior by job applicants
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do l start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
Contents may have settled out of court.
A day without sunshine is like night.
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
After four decimal places, nobody cares.
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Actual Bumper Stickers
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said 'no' to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Cat... the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Work hard and get rich -- annoy a Liberal
Honk if you're cute, Bark if you're not!
Holster only holds two doughnuts.
Young perps run way too fast.
Jelly filling makes radio knobs sticky.
Belly gets sore rubbing on steering wheel.
Stale doughnuts.
Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot
You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"
For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"
He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"
The pilot is the same guy drove your cab to the airport
Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
All of the following were supposedly overheard on actual flights.
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
THE SMOKING SECTION
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
ROUGH LANDINGS
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella WHOA!"
An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing: "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, giving
them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We Ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
GREAT EXIT LINES
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS and SNIPS
Free puppies...part german shepherd, part dog
free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog
free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out
awhile...better be a reward.
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
black face cows, calves... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
charmin ultra bathroom tissue -- boneless
nordic track $300 - hardly used - call chubbie at:
bill's septic cleaning - "we haul american made products"
hummels - largest selection ever - "if it's in stock, we have it!"
get a little john - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
president's choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
georgia peaches - california grown - 89 cents lb.
nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
whirlpool built in oven -- frost free!
free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
frozen soft & gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents
tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on highway 87 near southridge storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
chicken & dumping dinner to be held saturday
so french, after one cup you'll want to go oui, oui.
gas cloud clears out taco bell.
open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
. . . about the tenacious lawyer whose client was hung. . . He sued for whiplash.
Did you hear about the famous Hollywood lawyer who specialized in motor vehicle cases . . . . She was so good, she got Stevie Wonder a driver's license.
Did you hear about the time it got so cold . . . that lawyer's were putting their hands in their own pockets!
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in some cow dung . . . She thought she was melting.
Did you hear about the attorney who was a sports mechanic on the side . . . He fixed basketball games.
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series depicting famous lawyers . . . People were confused about which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was so fond of arguing . . . He wouldn't eat anything that agreed with him.
Did you hear about the lawyer who lost his client's marijuana appeal before the Supreme Court . . . He resolved to get the laws changed before a joint session of Congress.
Did you hear about the lawyer defending a client whose car hit a pedestrian, knocking him 100 feet away into the bushes. . . He sued the pedestrian for leaving the scene of an accident.
Did you hear about the lawyer who didn't die . . . She just lost her appeal.
Did you hear about the attorney who opened a Japanese restaurant. . . He called it So-Su-Mi.
Did you hear about the white-collar prisioner who told his cellmate . . . I'm here for robbing the rich and giving it to my lawyer.
Did you hear about the lady lawyer whose elderly client tried to molest her . . . She had him hauled into court for assault with a dead weapon.
Did you hear about the recent JAMA study where they found that 80% of all lawyers were bottle fed as babies . . . all goes to show that even their mothers didn't trust them.
Did you hear about the young lawyer who worked well into the night . . . to break the young widow's will.
Did you hear about the crooked judge . . . who believed in dispensing with justice.
Did you hear about the prisoner who sent his lawyer a card . . . . which read "Having a wonderful time, wish you were here."
Did you hear about the woman who hired a lawyer to charge her husband with reckless driving . . . she spotted him with another woman in his car.
CANONICAL LIST OF FULLDECKISMS
"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A few beads short in her rosary.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A room temperature IQ.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.
All booster, no payload.
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
As much use as a back pocket in a vest.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
His head whistles in a cross wind.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Knitting with only one needle.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
People around her are at risk of second-hand idiocy.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
Some bugs in his software.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions (#13 is maximum !):
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. Executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive V-P wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The H.R. Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications)
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression "to get fired."
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 calibre machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state o Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. I doubt, therefore I might be.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Log on: Make the wood stove hotter
Log off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove
Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
Floppy disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
Ram: The thing that splits the firewood
Hard drive: Getting home in the winter
Prompt: What the mail ain't in the winter
Window: What to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: What to shut in black fly season
Byte: What the black flies do
Bit: What the black flies did
Mega Byte: What the BIG black flies do
Chip: Munchies for TV
Micro Chip: What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
PC: Abbreviation for potato chips
Modem: What you did to the hay fields
Dot matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap top: Where the kitty sleeps
Software: The dumb plastic knives & forks they give you at McDonalds
Hardware: The real stainless steel cutlery.
Mouse: What eats grain in the barn
Main frame: What holds the barn up
Enter: City talk for - "Come on in, eh?"
Web: What a spider makes
Web Site: Place where you find a web (the barn, the attic, etc.)
Cursor: Someone who swears
Search Engine: What you do when the car dies
Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen
Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field.
Upgrade: Steep hill.
Server: The person at the ABC that brings the food.
Mail Server: The guy at the ABC that brings the food.
MSDOS: Some new disease they discovered.
Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that play music when you open it.
Browser: What they call you when your eye brows grow together.
Network: When you have to repair your fishing net.
Internet: Complicated fish net repair method.
Netscape: When a fish maneuvers out of reach.
Online: When you get the laundry hung out on the washline.
Offline: When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground when you open it.
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Get on a crowded elevator on a reasonably high floor. Without saying a word, press every button, turn to the other passengers, and grin maniacally. Get off *one* floor below the the one you got on, then hurry and take the stairs down so you can meet the elevator on the next floor. When the door opens, flash the same grin and say, "You were talking about me...weren't you?"
IF YOUR COMPUTER SAYS.. .IT REALLY MEANS...
PASSWORD ..... ..............Convince me.
INCORRECT PASSWORD.......You're going to have to do better than that.
FILE CLOSED................... .Not tonight, I've got a headache.
FILE NOT FOUND................ .I need more time.
WAIT......................... ..What's the rush? We have all night.
FILE OPEN................... ...I need you.
READY........................ ..I want you.
ENTER......................... .I want you now.
DEPRESS FUNCTION KEY.....Touch me there.
SYNTAX ERROR...................Don't touch me there.
NO............................ .Yes.
YES......................... ...Yes!
STOP........................ ...Don't stop.
STOP!....................... ...Please don't stop.
END........................ ....Was it good for you?
UNDEFINED USER FUNCTION........I've never done that before.
?............................ ..Where did you learn that?
INSUFFICIENT DATA..............We never talk.
CAN'T CONTINUE.................I think we should be seeing other people.
OUT OF DATA....................I'm tired. We'll talk about it in the morning.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way --------
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.
Sing this along to the tune from Grease...
Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights"
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"
Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip:"he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"
Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica:"Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh Those White House Nights"
Adam Sandler's new Song! (sung to the tune of the Macarena)
Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!
I go a little faster and its feeling kinda nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!
I use some baby oil or a little vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena.
Hey Masturbata!!
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and my other on my meata.
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata.
Hey Masturbata!!
Since I was a kid I have been a Masterbata,
Choke the chicken, hum the nob, squeezing the tomata.
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her.
Hey Masturbata!!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flouder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!!
Subject: Happy Halloween!
From: hennea@open.org (Flaagg)
Date: 1 Nov 1996 16:48:49 GMT
Once upon a life so pointless, while I keyed my fingers jointless,
Joining many a dull and meaningless channel of IRC electric bore,
While I nodded, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a beeping,
As of some automaton creeping, creeping 'hind my mon-i-tor.
T'was a private chat request, blinking on my mon-i-tor-
Only this, and nothing more.
Ah, so distinctly I recall hoping that this modem call
Came from some hot babe that wished to ball!
Eagerly I wished for action; I felt the need for satisfaction
From Hot4U or Do!Me5, hrnygrl...I need it live-
A girl who's live, shut-in and lonely; garbed in silky panties only,
Only panties, nothing more.
(Of course I know they're all disgusting- saggy butts and teeth-a-crusting.
But so am I- that's why we hide in cyberspace, we all want for nothing more!
We may be geeks and friendless losers, this little band of IRC Kr00zers,
But we *have* libidos, just like you.
We need to cuddle, kiss and coo-
We need to type and stroke and spew.)
Presently my doink was humming; I had a hand that needed gumming-
Deep into a funk I fell, I had been sent to Loser Hell,
Back into the channel turning, my cheeks quite red, my forehead burning,
A tantrum here (I flung my coffee), Why Do These Sluts Refuse To Boff Me?
Afterwards, we sat and smoked..."Was It Good For You?" I suavely joked.
Horrible! Waiting all that week, I thought suspense would kill this geek-
insert spooky music here
========
It is winter
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced,
"I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Q: How do you scare a man?
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Q: What food best describes most men?
Q: How is a man like a used car?
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
Q: Why do men like smart women?
Study In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Portugal, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 3 weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your pay-day.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
A woman is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the preference switch to turn the sound off. As long as I run them separately, though, it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but after viewing the sales literature and trying out a limited-function demo, I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has also had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it refused to respond to all my attempts to get it to run again. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean my whole system and shut down for a while. Seems there was a problem with the shared input/output port.
I cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I first installed a virus protection program and then tried a SCSI probe. It responded well at first, until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version, 5, I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less tailor to my liking. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel -- which is excellent, by the way -- rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a background-operation version of GirlFriend. He discovered, though, that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 removes itself if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0 within a year. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he described as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his hard drive and most of his memory, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with GirlFriendPlus 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus, with an alternate version that came with the Fiancee upgrade.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 often prohibits access to both versions of FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 also came bundled with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.
I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, its software requirements and compatibilities, and be really careful about what software you install, and when and how you upgrade.
Blondes in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Says one, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" Say the other, "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"
A brunette goes to the doctor & as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere! My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, & even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was," she replies "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Why do Blondes like a BMW better than a Mercedes? They can spell BMW.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh, look at the dead bird."
Three Blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Blonde said "those are deer tracks." The second Blonde said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Blonde said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The Blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign it said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
Three Blondes are on a deserted island, when 1 of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a rub & a genie pops out. The genie looks at the 3 and says, "I normally give 3 wishes, but since thereare 3 of you, I will grant each of you one wish." Well the 1st one is tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears. The 2nd one said she too is tired of the island & wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears. The genie then turns to the last Blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ..."
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?... Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Did you hear about the 2 Blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?... They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?... They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
************************************************************
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the working class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If the little black box they put on airplanes is indestructible, why don't they make the entire plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car crash?
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
Q: How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Q: How are tornadoes like marriage?
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Q: What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underwear?
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
Q: How can you tell your wife is dead?
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and is in Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
========
In article <4vif7n$465@cronkite.seas.gwu.edu ,
Rick Chalfant (rhc00@juts.ccc.amdahl.com) wrote:
: Lock your legs at the knees? Probably messed up your kneecaps
Hey...I though we were the only people who are allowed to give those out?
I distinctly remember the boss saying that we got an exclusive franchise on them, as long as we used them correctly. Correctly being, of course, a pretty broad term, including using them to pick up girls.
Uh, I sorta traded some for this really neat relic. It's a chalice that was used by the Bread Boy, Himmself. He's at this party with the apostles.. They're all sittin' around drinkin' wine and checkin' out Luke's collection of parchment pin-up scrolls, when JC spews forth. Big time! So, like, Bartholomew is _right there_ with this big old chalice and saves Miss Jerusalem from certain destruction.
Of course Luke was mucho benefacto an' they put this chalice up on a little ledge with Jesus' "pronouncement" still in it. They blessed it and prayed to it and stuff. (Hey, they were drunk. Tell me _you've_ never done anything stoopid like that. Anyway it wasn't sacrilegious 'cause JC was laughin' about it, too, and makin' stuff up like, "This is the barf of Christ, given for you.")
Now Luke, being a bachelor and all, well.. that chalice stayed on that little shelf for months. Maybe even years. It wasn't until long after Mister Dough Boy had risen that Luke got the idea of selling the thing as a relic. Eventually it made its way to the relic room in the basement of the Vatican in Rome.
Well now it's mine! It _was_ pretty disgusting, but one trip through the dishwasher cleaned it right up.
Anybody know how to tell if rubies are real? If they scratch glass, is that good enough? Or is that test just for diamonds?
Ricky da C - Angell of Godd
Date: Saturday, 03-May-97 10:09 PM
From: Kirk McLean \ Internet: (kirk_mclean@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Vancouver, BC; O Woman...
Mad Elaine wrote:
>O woman: You, who are 'tween the age of reason and the age of senility; height-race-weight-who-cares; >queer and kinky; ethical, complex, strong-willed and more than a little feral... You, who are full of love, >lust and dancing... You, who *think* as a recreational actiivity, You, who are now curious as hell... Get in >touch.
I don't know who youre looking for or what you want to do, but I'm a young Vancouver Male looking for a good time, please write back and tell me if youre interested in anything then we could talk. Hope to hear from you soon.
========
On 6 Oct 1995, Flaagg wrote:
>(It looks like I'm going to Hell after all, folks. Bummer. -Flaagg)
In a (duhh) previous article, YYYC39A@prodigy.com (Brice Wellington)
>My Dear People:
> I would like to discuss with you the one sin that I feel is most
preaching to people who don't give a damn on newsgroups?
> I would like to discuss and warn you all not to masturbate.
uhhh. where is this law...or was it made up by "saints that were so
>Masturbation also leads to other forms of perversion like homosexuality
actually as the Mormon church preaches VEHEMENTLY against masturbation, i
>A man is not to let his seed hit the ground, belly, napkin or whatever
hmm...more unwanted children starving on the streets. how many guys have
> A good rule of thumb is never to touch your thing except in washing or
sweetie, it's a PENIS. c'mon, say it after me. P-E-N-I-S
>A woman masturbating can get yeast infections and even cause mental
umm. i'd like to see that happen.
>Prayer and meditation is the only way, to stay, out of this bondage!
what the HELL were you doing? do you get off on knives and sharp objects
Flaagg: MHM 9x2 (a man of jerkins hand lotion)
========================================================
".sig quotes are for dumbasses."-AMH, 1995
xmastree@ccnet.com wrote:
**** Real Christmas trees are irrelevant. Virtual Christmas trees will
: We are an online company that
**** will soon be off-line. Surrender, and prepare yourselves for
: will cut a real Christmas tree for you
**** We seek a real company which will cut an on-line Christmas tree.
: the day we receive your order and ship
**** The Borg will assimilate your species and planet within five
: PRICE
: 6 Foot Douglas Fir: $59
: To place an order call 1-800-200-6173 (Have Visa or MC ready)
**** Virtual Xmas is now permanently irrelevant.
: =v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v= *
**** Oversized .sigs demonstrate inferiority and will not be tolerated.
From: tzhosk@cyberstore.ca (Sorrowsbane)
In article <46b9fl$41a@netnews.upenn.edu , akors@mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Alan Kors) says:
Sorrowsbane notes that this went through on the first attempt: the Prof
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
= Peace be to all beings!
Sorrowsbane remembers when a cross-dressing man successfully joined
But the real story occurred in a county unimaginatively named Winter.
The Winter County Mental Ball Lipstick Missal
Reply to tzhosk@yvr.cyberstore.ca
From: "Zeke T.Z. Hoskin"
Bans - you're a real proa! The mains'l ring with cheers! Anybody
Path: news.production.compuserve.com!news.production.compuserve.com!news.inhouse.compuserve.com!uunet!news.claremont.edu!nntp-server.caltech.edu!wrean
bans jibs at this warning, and shakes her head tiller semi-circular
Sorrowsbane (3 sheets to the wind) bows politely and speaks sternly:
"Oh, frigate. I should just smack you one..Does anybody else want to
"Oh, just try it and I'll dock you one!" warns bans. "I'd luff to
"Helm!" she exclaims. "I hard alee know what I've done to deserve
From: akors@mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Alan Kors)
Re bans' and Sorrowsbane's great boating puns:
"The Prof is bayside himself with envy, having admired that a yacht!"
From: dunk@saul2.u.washington.edu (John Dunkelburg)
Alan Kors (akors@mail1.sas.upenn.edu) wrote:
: "The Prof is bayside himself with envy, having admired that a yacht!"
--- Robulus of Borg
In article ::: 4ms9c2$84s@what.why.net Homo@Says.What.com writes:
>Fucking Queers!
Ah, I see. We had been wondering how you've been busying yourself.
[ follow-ups trimmed, though probably not nearly enough. ]
From a FAQ sheet by/about/around The Mad Hatter, aka Brad Turcotte.
- Broken or no string.
- Be sure to let go of the strange, optionally glowing sphere
- Standing on your head? Don't be.
- Your hand should be open with the palm facing _DOWN_.
- Check your planet for gravity. Some planets are not yo-yo
- Perhaps Satan or some other unworldly creature is living in
- Be sure you have at least ONE (1) human, or 100% compatible
If it's not performing the SECOND Yo, the problem may be one of
- Be sure you had your finger through the loop on the string.
- Again check your planet for gravity. You never know.
- Remember to clasp your fingers around the yo-yo when it
- Did your finger fall with the yo-yo? Check for leprosy.
- Did you fall over? Join a weight training program or buy a
- Check to make sure you're taller than the yo-yo string. If
- Yo-Yo's do not work underwater.
- yo-yoing from a moving vehicle will not work.
- yo-yoing into a tank of Killer Sharks will only work once.
- Slinging the Yo-Yo at moving cars while it's attached to
- Yo-Yo's are NOT flotation devices.
- Yo-Yo's ARE flirtation devices.
- And lastly, do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES yo-yo in a mine
Any other problems do not exist and if you insist that they do,
Happy yo-yoing!
Always remember this: Today is the tomorrow we thought about yesterday!
"New car, caviar, four-star daydream, think I'll buy me a footballteam"
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The following is of Dr. Schambaugh's Final Test questions for May 1997. (Dr. Schambaugh, University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, is known for asking questions such as this on his final exams.)
May 1997, Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II Final Exam Question:
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are they souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.
Now we look at the rate of change of volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during my freshman year, "It will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then case 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic.
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A
Reminds me of A Fish Called Wanda, "You are a true vulgarian..."
You FISH-cunted roach-fuckers, fucking lizard-dong in unflappable BE-SHITTEDNESS, you STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS on alt.slack, you CHEESE-CUNTED shitholes, you chinzy, asshole, fucked up, LAZY, COMPLETELY STUFFED WITH RAT AND HOG SHIT, lame-assed, fucking cunts up the bloody cunt FORESKINS BALLS SCAM SNATCH-FACE GREASY SHIT SANDWICHES, you FESTERING, LEECH BE-STRUNG, groveling, hell-poop mongering, ASSHOLE-EATING-OUT, fucking DEAD LLAMA FELCHING, toe-jam injecting, dung beetle larvae munching, AIDs-Mosquito breeding, shit-breathing FUCKWAD COWSHIT fucking slack-cunted, pencil-dicked, hog-fucking, poop-chomping, hog-saliva-slurping, TOTALLY FUCKED, cunt-sucking, mother-fucking DUMB ASS shitting fucked up and lame cuntsucking, slug-fucking slime-betrothed, pin-worm humping, SHIT-IN-YOUR-MOUTH-EVERY-DAY, cunt-dicked SLIMY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT-BUCKET RAPING, SUCK-ASS-ED-EST, dirty-leg-shit-snatched, DICKS-MADE-OUT-OF-SHITest, RAT-CUM-INJECTED-IN-YOUR-EYEBALLS-est, totally, completely, utterly, FOREVER FUCKED UP IN THE HEADS, asshole-licking, TRASH-FUCKING, covered in shit for all eternity, BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH WITH EACH OTHER'S FUCKING SIX-WEEK-OLD TURDS, sticking dead, half-rotten DICKS in your fucking MOUTHS for WEEKS AT A TIME, STUPID FUCKING DUMB-ASS fucking TURD-BRAINED motherfucking, cunt-sucking, STUPID ASSHOLE EATING, BUTT-BREATH whigger-shitting SHIT-GERM-in-your-cunts, ATE-UP-WITH-THE-DUMB-ASS, shiny-bolt plumb-bob shyte-huffers NASAL GLANCE hip-shot MASTURBATOR-KIT on a fucking DAYGLO cooter-wharf, assholes, dick-shitters FUCKING SHIT DICKS & ASSHOLE PUSSIES, you wimp-fucked shit-conniving, TURD-KNOCKERS, inject fucking bloody stump juice in your fucking testicles and ovaries EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE GODDAM WEEK YOU stupid, dumb-ass, FUCKSHITBUTTCUMs and test-tubes full of virulent, amoeba-felching PINK DISEASE-CARRYING spoor-phagocytic fucking NOCTURNAL PARASITE FUCK-SHITS shit DICKS, you GODDAM worm-dicked Lice-Fuckers, LOWEST LIFE FORMS on this fucked up PLANET you SMELLY, cast-off WHORE BUTTS, you completely FUCKED UP and COVERED IN SHIT BUNCH OF WHINY SISSIES and PANSY-ASSED butt 'n nut huggers, you fucking LICE CUNT SMEGMA FLOW suckers, you baby-shit eating, dead wino diarreah-drinking, Felch-Worm-Camba-Cunted, GODDAM ASSHOLE FUCK, molten fart-garbage-in-a-gease-trap fucking, SUCK-YOUR-MOTHER'S-cunt, fucking stupid fucking ASS-FUCKERS, MULE-DICKIN', FART-TONGUE snot-fucking, grunt-spaz-butt-blowing, HIJOS de FUCKING PUTAS SHIT BUTT-FUCKED SHIT WEEZLE-SIZED PECKER Licking, low-life, WHOREBUG, shit-eating, motherfucking, cuntsucking BOBBIE FUCK-SICKLES, LAME cuntSUCKING DUNG-BEETLE MASTURBATORS and lazy SHITHEADS, sorry ass FUCK-BUCKET, SHIT-SUCKING, needle-dicked PECKER HO'S & LYIN' bastards and BUNG-HOLE SQUID-SHITTED, pus-drinking, chancre-eating, blood-fuck snorting NORMAL lazy assholes, FUCKING LAME-CUNTED leeches SHIT-BOBBIES, you alt.slack.whiggers/come-snap-shitters, you sorriest of the sorryfuckshitn.p.drivelsnotfuckwads ASSHOLEY, FUCKED UP, ASSWIPE, DICKSHITTING, BUTTSUCKING naked (insert appropriate racist/sexist term here) BABY GIRL, ONION-PUSSYED, fuckstick MAMMOTH TURD-LOAF excreters/eaters who nominally FUDGE-PACK extremely large and smelly SHIT PILES of cast-off VOMIT-DICKS and cum-soaked SMEGMA COOTER-JUICE pussy-wipes CAMBA-POON every fucking day of your completely fucked up LIFE, you COOT-BANDIED, SHIGGER-BUTTED, FUCKEDELATED, FART-SNARFING nissy-gerpusses, YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK ASSHOLES and buttfuck COW SNOT you fucking cow-snot buttfuckers who inject-shit-in-your-eyeballs, you whigger-shitting FUCK-HOLES, you SUCK DOGSHIT OUT OF A HOLLOW TUBE, you turd-tongued STUPID SHITS and NON-SQUIRTING UN-PEE-ers, shit-lice bestrewn alt.slack.muthafux, UTTERLY WORTHLESS, four-days-dead Bobbie NYMPHO SHIT-TONGUE TURD FARMER, fucking PINK SEWER, you buzzard-gonad gobbling, shit in each other's assholes EVERY DAY, MUTANT SEWER RAT FELTCHING, dog-licking ASSHOLES, Cocksucking-shit-brained jism-farting, MENSTRUATING WHALE SNATCH SCARFING, shit fucks, you stupid, worthless, fucked up, shit-eating, turd-brained, hog-slime-feltching, piss-drinking, Wotan-less, SOW-WHORE FUCKING BASTARDS, SHITASSES. You people are FUCKED! Yer Pal, Sternodox
Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to consult the old guy behind the counter.
The old man said, "We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except . . . ." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is this special voodoo dick, and the old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in the shop. "But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of the box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, then started to split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back in your box." The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man said it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered it for seven hundred dollars in cash. Pleased as punch, the businessman gave his wife the gift, explained that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip.
After a few days, the wife grew unbearably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatively, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her crotch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, thrusting away. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Desperate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with excitement and exhaustion.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license.
Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink. Twitching and sweating, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking officer. A voodoo dick is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!"
"Right lady" said the officer with a knowing sigh. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say; "all you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now 'cause this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who want on, get your asses on 'cause the train's leaving".
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room for 2 hours. When you come out you may play with your train but you have to use nice language".
2 hours later, the son comes out of his room and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking please remember to take all your luggage with you. We thank you for riding with us today and we hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope that you will ride with us again soon". "For those of you just boarding we ask that you stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us". "For those of you pissed off about the 2 hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen".
The following radio codes are not known to be in authorized use
12-1 Ask the complainant - our periscope has been repossessed.
-Tim Dees
Back home.
"Madam," typed I, "or Sir??!!, truly cybersex I do implore;
But the fact is I was sleeping, and so gently you came beeping,
And so faintly you came beeping, beeping on my mon-i-tor,
But anyway...Let's Do It!"- (
Torture, evil torture I'd never dared to dream before;
Turned down for sex on IRC! Even MUTANTS would not sleep with me!
And the only floating word there was the auto "Ping!"
"Ping" I whispered-the server sent the auto "Ping!"-
To tell it not a thing was wrong, my PC sent the auto "Pong".
Soon again I heard a beeping somewhat louder than before!
"Surely," thought I, "surely *now* a partner willing!"
"Tell me how you rub your breasts", typed I, "and my fantasy explore-
Let my head fall 'twixt your legs...Please be my hot electric whore!"
Again-just 'Status', nothing more.
Suddenly appeared a message that sent my wanking heart a-soar:
"SEXYFEM invites you/we'll have sex until we turn blue/to join the channel
#raven/where we will surely cyberscrew!"
And so I rushed to join the FEM, my new found love, my horny gem-
(The things we typed I'll not repeat-
suffice to say: We Beat Our Meat.)
"Oh yes, my dear-you are Da Man! I think I love you, we need a plan-
A plan to meet in Real Life-you'll be my STUD, I'll be your WIFE!"
"Oh yes" typed I, for I was smitten-
"Please marry me my pookiekitten! Fly to my city, Tuesday next!
We'll Bone In PERSON, Not In TEXT!"
But finally the Day was here. I could almost smell my FEM was near.
Near she was. The plane-It Landed. The doors-They Parted. My love-Appeared.
My sanity-Departed.
For standing on that airline runway...Horrid...Sick...Uncanny...
My Loser Love, My Nerdly Mate- turned out to be...MY GRANNY!!!!!!!!!!
insert scream
fade to black
go to sleep
flaagg: mhm 9x2 alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
http://www.open.org/hennea/
'trippin this trippin this trippin this trippin this..trippin that
-smile like a cheshire cat' -MM
Newsgroups: alt.fan.red.green
Subject: My Favorite Red Green Poem (post yours too)
From: Bill of the North
Date: Wed, 29 Nov 1995 00:04:32 GMT
The windows are frosted over
Nothing can be seen through this white patch-work of ice crystals
The entire winter world is blocked from view
But don't worry
You know this road like the back of your hand
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A: Jerky.
A: Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
A: Exchange him.
A: No phone numbers.
A: Opposites attract.
After trying all the usual cures she's referred to a headache specialist by her family doctor. The doctor asks her what her symptoms are and she replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
She is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that sort of pressure therapy every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the woman comes back...
"Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asks.
"Doc, I'm a new gal! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
The Blonde looks skyward and said "Where, where?"
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
A: They both can smell it, but can't eat it.
A: Some dick cut her off.
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A: When you're finished with the breast and thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
A: Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
A: Put a nipple on it.
A: Oral sex makes your day, and anal sex makes your hole weak.
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
A: Hanson.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
On-line Stuff I've Stumbled Into
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
Subject: Re: all about me .....
From: rhc00@juts.ccc.amdahl.com (Rick Chalfant)
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 1996 02:00:07 GMT
dazed@gwis2.circ.gwu.edu (John Nowicki) says:
: with all that kneeling. Sue the bastards! Make 'em give ya
: a "Get out of Hell, FREE" card.
mhm 15x3
To: E. Miller \ Internet: (millere@direct.ca)
>Mad Elaine, Queen of Dichotomy
Newsgroups: alt.flame,alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk
Subject: Re: Masturbation!!!?
From: Kiwi Girl
wrote...
responsible for sending people to Hell then the lake of fire.
>Masturbation is a serious tool of the Devil, it is a form of sodomy
and is against GODS law!
sexually frustrated that they decided to make all fun sinful?
(true...check out Augustine sometime)
and oral sex of all types, some to disgusting to mention or think about.
Masturbation can bring incest, this is said to be common with Mormons.
can't see how they would wholesale be practicing it.
my friend dave masturbates regularly (it is a regular topic of
conversation) and he just got married and is having a child soon.
in fact, most of the guys i know masturbate regularly, and i a) do not
see hair on their palms, b) do not notice any of them losing their
eyesight, and c) do not know of any of them sleeping with their sisters.
the case may be with the individual, it can only be released in attempt
to procreate or in a natural manner as in what is called a wet dream.
used that line to get a lay?
doing the necessary.
not a thing.
god put it there. why would he not want you to touch it?
retardation in an unborn child.
Women are more prone to homosexuality as a result of masturbating than
men, they are more free with emotions as a rule, and can be lesbian.
of course women also get yeast infections from say....sex. does this mean
we should not have sex?
we get them from taking antibiotics. so should we die from some raging
disease? would that please you?
> I myself as a sinner lost a testicle due to masturbation, I have since
repented and beg you to follow me in the direction of Jesus!
near tender parts of your anatomy?
if so, i've got a perfect girl for you. Hey Lorena!
> BriceW
A Man Of God! http://pages.prodigy.com/Heaven/brice
Aaron M. Henne Salem, Or. USA
alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk SUBSCRIBE OR DIE.
========================================================
**** Be notified, spamming demonstrates inferiority and will not be
tolerated.
**** The ease with which you may be Borg-flamed further demonstrates
your inferiority.
: Never worry about scratching the roof of your car again, GET A REAL
: CHRISTMAS TREE DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!
suffice for the purposes of Borg.
assimilation.
Your offer is of no concern to us.
: to you within 5 working days for a price that may actually be less
: then what you pay locally!
Earth-standard days of notification of your existance. The
assimilation standards of the Collective are superior to those of
any known species. Join the Collective today.
**** Price is irrelevant.
**** We repeat, your archaeic financial systems are irrelevant.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
#### sending data output...
#### receiving response...
#### tracing source
#### done
#### target coordinates received.
#### downloading coordinates to weapons systems
#### arming
#### firing
#### ...
: Virtual Xmas /~~~\
: http://www.ccnet.com/xmastree/welcome.html /~~~~~\
: /~~~~~~~\
: =v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v=v= /~~~~~~~~~\
**** All units are notified: No attempt to assimilate spammers is to be
made. Upon contact, they are to be destroyed.
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: Attention Americans:
Date: 21 Oct 1995 20:59:22 GMT
Organization: Cyberstore Systems, Inc.
Lines: 15
Message-ID: <46bmva$3ct@sulla.cyberstore.ca
References: <44tsnt$9lo@news.onramp.net <44s3vp$gnc@nntp.igs.net <95100511333914247@amega.com <453phd$rps@sulla.cyberstore.ca <454s0t$9uk@netnews.upen <46b9fl$41a@netnews.upenn.edu
NNTP-Posting-Host: yvr-ppp-42.cyberstore.ca
X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.92.6+
=
=Sean Roberts (seanr@fs-gate.uchicago.edu) wrote:
=
=: "Sword of a pointed statement, isn't that?"
=
=The Prof pauses to saber the moment. "Starknight," he notes, "epee good
=money for puns that sharp." Lest the duel exhaust, the Prof leaves it at
=that, determined to admire-all-parry. Cheers, ACK
didn't have to riposte. The network often foils attempts to send puns
before they spoil: very unsabery.
Usually I edit included material, but I'll leave it cutlass this time.
Hope nobody takes a fence!
Subject: Re: PUNS: Of Biblical proportions
Date: Sun, 5 Mar 1995 09:24:03 -0800
Organization: Cyberstore Systems
Lines: 25
Message-ID:
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII
=
= Harper Blue glances around with a sly look on his face. "Do you
= know what a prayer offered up by a non-priest is? An unguided missal."
the local convent. After he was found out and killed, they burned
his prayerbook. Who needs a nun-guy dead missal around? But on his
grave there grew an oak, and on the oak, a nun-guy dead mistletoe.
Well, there was a Home For The Bewildered there, and one day the shrinks
decided that what their patients needed was a gala dance. So it was
brought about, and quite a success it was, too. But one of the patients
(under the firm conviction that she was Calvin) disapproved of these
godless goings-on, and scrawled a selection of prayers in the guest
book with the only writing implement she could find. Thus:
Speech is midway between thought and action,
and often substitutes for both.
Subject: Re: PUNS: Ready, aboat! (Was: Politeness)
Date: Mon, 6 Mar 1995 07:13:04 -0800
Organization: Cyberstore Systems
Lines: 6
Message-ID:
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII
who says that last sequence isn;t tops'l have to deal with me. It was
impossible to top, gallantly though I tried. A royal job! The skys'l
fall before I try to outpun you again. / Sorrowsbane
From: wrean@cco.caltech.edu (Patricia Rose Wrean)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: PUNS: Ready, aboat! (Was: Politeness)
Date: 6 Mar 1995 01:18:05 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
Lines: 28
Message-ID: <3jdnsd$e50@gap.cco.caltech.edu
References:
canals protest. "I'll knot be careful, even if it keels me, Prof!
I bear you no r-anchor, but I prefer to tack my chances, and not to
sail myself short. But yawl must make your own choices. I'd
schooner ketch a bit of trouble now and again -- it makes life
interesting, after all!"
"bans, halyard doing is making it worse. When you jibe like that, you'll
wear out you welcome. Another yard of that and someone will lower the
boom on you, to mast applause. What junk! A person who made puns
out of everything we centerboard us beyond belief. We should take
her out,rigger to a suitable line, and keelhaul her. Go aweigh, or
we'll throw you in the brig.
clipper?
tangle with you. Clip me and I'll sloop back. Any moor out of you,
and I don't know what I'd do. You'll never know what you were mizzen,
if you get my drift.
this sheet." She peers myopically at Sorrowsbane. "Is sampan wrong?
Canoe get you anything? You're sounding beat!"
--
Patricia Wrean wrean@caltech.edu
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: PUNS: Ready, aboat! (Was: Politeness)
Date: 6 Mar 1995 21:41:17 GMT
Organization: University of Pennsylvania
Lines: 4
Message-ID: <3jfvht$rt5@netnews.upenn.edu
References:
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2-upenn1.1]
Cheers, ACK
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: PUNS: Ready, aboat! (Was: Politeness)
Date: 7 Mar 1995 17:28:06 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
Lines: 16
Message-ID: <3ji536$s8j@nntp3.u.washington.edu
References:
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
: Re bans' and Sorrowsbane's great boating puns:
: Cheers, ACK
Y'know, you all seem a little dingy. Maybe someone shipped a gear
or something? :)
The Dunk
dunk@u.washington.edu
As long as there are exams, there WILL be prayer in school!
First of three
Subject: Re: PEA
From: erik@galt.com (Erik Ogan)
Date: 09 May 1996 22:23:10 GMT
[ Yumm, (GNUS + Sticky "c" key) == premature postings ]
--
--------
Erik R. Ogan
Webmaster/Systems Editor
GALT Technologies, Inc.
My Yo-Yo Isn't Working! What's Wrong?
(also the author of The Life and Suicide of Mister Mary Holiday, a series.)
If your yo-yo is not performing the first Yo, the problem may be
one of the following:
the string extends out from.
capable.
either your hand or your yo-yo. Have them both exorcised.
arm and hand. You will most likely need a torso as well,
but we're confidant that if you're missing your torso, you
have bigger problems than not being able to yo-yo.
these:
returns.
lighter yo-yo.
not; stand on a table or chair.
- A brief muffled scream? Get off Ted Nugent's chest.
Things to remember for safe and productive yo-yoing:
your hand is not a good idea.
field.
you're loony and we'll have you locked up.
Pink Floyd, Money, Dark Side Of The Moon
The first mouse pounds a shot of Scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie onmy back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull shit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Apparently they are annoyed...
by any law enforcement agency, but they probably should be.
12-2 The watch commander is in the sandbox - when he gets back I'll ask him.
12-3 Everybody can hear you and you're making an ass of yourself.
12-4 Hearing you fine - I'm ignoring you.
12-5 You're beautiful when you're angry.
12-6 Your sister dispatches fire trucks.
12-7 Are you confirmed yet?
12-8 I'm en route to communications to rearrange your face.
12-9 Repeat your traffic - without the mouthful of oatmeal.
12-10 How did you get on the payroll?
12-11 I'm back in service, but don't give me any calls. I go off duty shortly and I've got a hot date.
12-12 I know where you are. I also know where you're going.
12-13 Can the wants checks or I'll give you a barking duck call ten miles off your beat.
12-14 If your prisoner can speak English, bring him to communications so I can go to lunch.
12-15 Is your mike clicking or is your upper plate loose?
12-16 Slow down. My shorthand lesson got lost in the mail.
12-17 Cancel Christmas.
12-17 My God! Do you get paid by the word?
12-18 Show me back in service while I finish my coffee.
12-19 Poker game is on for tonight.
12-20 I refuse to crack! Go ahead with your eight 10-29's, but one of them had better be F-Frank!
12-21 This assignment has been pending since God was a small child.
12-22 Is there a K-9 unit on the air that can assist the fire department in locating a fire plug?
12-23 I'll make you think "report writing!" I've got a stack of details here that we'll be working on next month!
12-24 Your mother swims after troop ships.
12-25 I'll be en route as soon as I run 10-29's on the rest of the cars in this lot.
12-26 Okay, I screwed up. None of us are human.
12-27 I can't copy you. Are you sitting on your microphone?
Reno, Nevada Police Dept.
