D.
Rev. Walter Parks, moderator of Presbyterians for the Gracious Submission of Women, brought charges against Proctor and six members of the National Network of Presbyterian College Women for their "emotional, manipulative displays" at this past year's General Assembly held in Salem, North Carolina.
"Though our hearts break," Parks said to presiding judge Darren Hathorne in his closing argument, "we cannot flinch: these are new times, sir. There is a misty plot afoot so subtle we should be criminal to cling to old respects and ancient friendships. I have seen too many frightful proofs in court -- the Devil is alive in Salem, and we dare not quail to follow wherever the accusing finger points." And point it did, through their open-ended inquiry, all the way up the chain of command from the young NNPCW staff to the moderator himself.
The courtroom became tense when Rebecca Nurse, co-moderator of the NNPCW, was sentenced for disorderly emotional outbursts, independent thought, and manipulative persuasion. Her father, who had testified for the prosecution, cried, "I never said my daughter were a witch, Mr. Parks; I only said she were reading books!" When it was revealed, however, that these "books" were written by female graduates of Presbyterian seminaries, it became clear that paganism, witchcraft, and goddess worship must have been behind the swing of the General Assembly vote.
Mysteriously, though the women had seemingly been able to manipulate an entire General Assembly to vote in their favor last June, they were unable to save themselves from their conviction for the crimes of emotion, manipulation, and witchcraft with which they were charged. "Now we have solid proof," said Parks, "that God really is male."
Here are excerpts from the statements of the long line of accusers at the trial of Mr. Proctor and six members of the NNPCW.
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The group, comprised solely of women attending colleges and universities in the United States, grew to 5 million this year, tripling the size of the denomination as 98% of student members have also joined Presbyterian churches in their area.
Why the sudden interest in the church among college women? Despite reports that Leonardo DiCaprio was going to become Presbyterian, the draw seems to be the group's controversial position that women can think for themselves, a belief that is gaining ground among the intellectual elite on today's college campuses.
The group's position came under fire at the recent General Assembly meeting, where Presbyterians for the Gracious Submission of Women issued a call for "gender standards" in church leadership. It is believed this action was spurred by leader Matt Hackester's bid for the much-coveted denominational position of NNPCW Intern.
Almost overnight the NNPCW grew as college women from all faith backgrounds and sexual orientations came to see what the fuss was about. Can women really think for themselves? Or is the huge wave of new members merely symptomatic of women's innate trend-following behavior?
Emmeline Moonsister of the Young Women's Pagan Association doesn't want to belong to the NNPCW. She told the New York Tribune, "I went to check out the group because I heard they thought for themselves. Naturally, I assumed that meant they leave their husbands, kill their children, destroy capitalism, become lesbians and practice witchcraft. I went to check out their cool goddess rituals, but I was profoundly disappointed."
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Health and education are concepts supported by More Light Presbyterians (formerly Presbyterians for Lesbian and Gay Concerns and the More Light Churches Network) and other gay/lesbian/bisexual activist organizations. PHEWA, like certain MLP leadership, has a history of dissent from the denomination's standards for ignorance and consumption of high-cholesterol beef products.
Committee member Don Richardson drew a direct link between the conference theme, "Welcoming angels in our midst," and the health issue when, while voicing support for the project, he said, "It is inappropriate to exclude certain angels just because they bench 250 and eat high-protein, high-fiber diets."
Reporting to National Ministries on PHEWA's conference plans, Lulabelle Myrick, vice president of PHEWA, said that Richard Simmons will serve as "conference health educator." Simmons's views were widely reported when, as a Re-Limbering Conference speaker, he rejected the idea of God's transcendence in providing the American couch potato with such miracle drugs as Phen-fen, in favor of celebrating a will to physical exercise and expression through aerobic dance inside all living things.
Myrick told National Ministries that as conference planners discussed decorating their meeting space they felt that banners and streamers would not carry out their theme of health and education as well as the provision of sweatbands and towels would.
Phil Houston, chairman of the National Missions' Fitness sub-group, expressed concern about the propriety of sponsoring such a display at this time in the life of the denomination, but said he was relieved when assured by the PHEWA executive committee that the towels would not actually be used to soak up sweat but will "just hang in the worship area tent."
Committee member Bonita Toliver expressed concern for the "in your face" effect of the planned fitness event. She asked if other options might be considered, such as the use of "passive exercise programs" or the possibility of displaying pictures of Suzanne Somers. Former General Assembly Moderator Felicia Jones also expressed concern about the project, warning PHEWA leaders that a "particular element in the church will be there to look for you to do something wrong."
Myrick defended the project, saying that Simmons was well-trained in preventing sports injuries among those who don't exercise regularly. Moreover, she said that PHEWA was not making this decision lightly, but that "the church won't be whole until the exercized are welcomed."
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D.Scientists can't seem to agree on what causes heterosexuality. Theories range from it being an inborn defect to a conscious choice made by those who would spurn their own sex. Most likely, heterosexual desires are sprung from deep self-loathing, traumatic events in early childhood,or poor parenting practices.
But can heterosexuals change? Two-by-Two boasts a 95 percent success rate. The program uses a combination of disco, dish, and diva support groups to re-orient heterosexuals and help them meet members of their own gender. In some cases, the denial of the problem is so strong that participants must first be confronted with a series of questions geared toward helping them see that they need God's help.
Two by Two was founded in 1969 by ex-heterosexual sisters Ella and Stella Anderson, and offers complete care from learning to control heterosexual desires to pairing folks up in the committed same-sex relationships God intended and the PCUSA seeks to foster.
Retreats at the recently acquired centers in Northhampton and Miami Beach help heterosexuals learn what it is like to have a normal healthy relationship as well-adjusted Christian disciples. "We are just so pleased God led us out of that lifestyle that threatens death to the planet and into relationship with each other," said recent group members Spike King and Mike Schmidt.
But can change be lifelong? "We've been together for 15 years now," said Bernice Cummings of her relationship with partner Lois Rose, who first sought out Two by Two's help in 1978. "Our lives have completely changed."
Whereas, the Book of Order affirms that truth is in order to goodness;
Whereas, in practice, truth is getting more difficult to get hold of;
Whereas, in sexual practice, laying hold of truth is becoming as interesting to Presbyterians as it is difficult to lay hold of;
Whereas, numerous testimonies at recent hearings before the GA committee on Ordination and Human Sexuality recorded the frequency with which alleged homosexuals have begun to practice heterosexually, and v.v., such that living one's life as a demonstration of the gospel is evidently a display subject to change without notice;
Whereas, the determination of "sexual truth" has become essential to the central tenets of Presbyterian faith and doctrine, such that no self-affirming, practicing homo sapiens ought any longer to rely merely on a person's word in these matters which have consumed the energies of this church for some decades;
Whereas, the Presbyterian Church must under no circumstances be served by individuals whose practice in matters sexual is not clearly registered before authorized ecclesiastical courts; and
Whereas, science shows that there exists a high correlation between unBiblical sexual morality and unwillingness to submit to loyalty oaths affirming the historical actuality of the virgin birth, such that the church may most efficiently maintain decency and good order by henceforth barring all doubters from the table; therefore, be it
Resolved, that the 208th General Assembly waste no time and spare no expense to establish a new executive unit, the General Assembly Sexual Police (hereinafter GASP), to ensure for a piece the purity and immunity of the church;
That the Book of Order be amended to require GASP officers to be conspicuously present at all ordination examinations;
That no formal limits be placed on the (micro)scope of GASP examinations;
That at least annually, GASP shall subject all ordained persons to a thorough and probing re-examination, with special attention to establishing the truth (in order to goodness) underlying every allegation of sexual practice in which the ordinand shall have been thought to have been engaged, to ascertain its Biblicalness;
That in furtherance of these objectives, GASP receive funding adequate to enable its officers to wait near all Presbyterian garages, bushes, and closets to see what goes in and who comes out; and
That in the interest of humane execution of justice, GASP train its officers in the science and art of stone-throwing, assuring that all GASP officers become capable of inflicting swiftly lethal wounds when enforcing the proud and certain standards of Biblical sexual morality.
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Recently, while undercover in Oklahoma City, Tripp was able to catch one gay elder visiting from San Francisco, who allegedly stuffed a dollar bill into Tripp's blouse, among other activities not consistent with the Book of Order. "I can't believe that was a real woman," said the elder, "with that hair and makeup and everything."
Tripp is well-qualified for the GASP position, having nearly single-handedly exposed the White House sex scandal through her feigned friendship with former White House Intern Monica Lewinsky. The elder, when asked if the activities he and Tripp allegedly engaged in were similar to those between the President and Lewinsky, replied, "Close, but no cigar."
According to a source inside the organization, GASP wants to avoid allegations that they are singling out gay men for enforcement of the Fidelity/Chastity policy, and the group is therefore currently negotiating with Pamela Anderson to acquire her services as well.
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Thank God for Amendment B! It's the only thing that keeps me a virgin in these tempting times. The seminary makes it all too easy for us: there are men living in my dorm one floor above me and one floor below me. With men on top of me, men underneath me, I can't concentrate! And since they have special housing for married people, every man in my building is available! Thank God I have a denomination to lord a policy like amendment b over me, or I'd have given into my lustful desires long ago. I need the threat of ruining my career in order to keep my morality intact. If you scare me enough, it just might deter me, like those ads with the sizzling eggs. I know I have to just say no, or my ordination is fried.
Without Amendment B, I have no doubt I'd be boinking Danny, this boy in my Hebrew class. He is so fine! I wouldn't be able to say no, because the constitution isn't there to tell me what to do. I mean, I could see what the Bible has to say about it, but it's more simple to just rely on the Book of Order. None of that exegetical bullshit required. In fact, I'm so scared of violating Amendment B, I replaced my copy of The Joy of Sex with the Book of Order. Now whenever I think about Danny, I just reach for the constitution and it kills my desire every time. Hallelujah!
So since I'm not having sex, I have free time in which to learn about others. I am interested to see whether Amendment B is affecting their sex lives. I mean, it's not difficult, you can just tell, like with Sandy, who lives on the fourth floor but is seeing Rudy on the first floor -- she uses the women's bathroom on the second floor, so everyone knows. It's like she's bragging about it, it's so blatant and in-your-face. I told her about amendment b and what it did for my life, but she doesn't care. She totally ignored me!
That's ok. some people need a little more help. I have lots of free time, so I can pray for her. Right before I turn her in. Thank God for Amendment B.
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with due apologies to Andrew Marvell
Had we but world enough, and time,
Your closetedness were no crime.
We would sit down and think how to
come out,[D.] and love the long day through.
Thou by the Pacific Ocean's tide[D.]
Shouldst seashells find; I by the
Mississippi [D.]would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the flood,
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
But at my back I always hear
the LayMAN's camera hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of this Amendment B.
Thy true self shall no more be found;
Nor, in thy Iv'ry Tower, shall sound
My echoing song; LayMEN shall try
That well-preserved ordain-ity,
And your straight honor turn to dust
And into ashes all my lust:
The closet's [D.]a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.
Now therefore, while the lavender hue
Sits on thy skin like morning glow,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may,
And now, as fervently as you pray,
Rather at once your mask devour
Than languish in its slow-chapped power.
Let us roll all our strength [D.]and all
Our sweetness into one ball,
And tear our pleasures forward
Through the iron Book of Order:
Thus, though we cannot make LayMAN
Stand still, yet we will make him run.
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