"Some people you don't have to satirize, you just quote 'em."
-Tom Paxton


This is (for real!) an excerpt from a pamphlet distributed at the General Assembly meeting held in the 1980s in Biloxi, Mississippi by a group called Presbyterians for Biblical Sexuality, which preceded the group-with-the-funny-repressed-acronym, Presbyterians United for Biblical Concerns (we are not making this up! Go ahead, say it -- PUBC).

The pamphlet suggests that this prayer be used to stop masturbation. The Gay Committee, on the other hand, thinks it works better laminated, hanging in the shower, if you know what we mean. We don't, however, recommend reading it amorously on people's answering machines -- it leads to embarrassment and has the intended effect of neither the original authors nor the amorous readers -- especially among the unchurched.


Father God, I come through my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Lord Jesus, I have asked You into my heart and by faith I know You are there. I affirm this.

Lord Jesus, since You are in my heart, Your blood is washing me clean, constantly pulsating throughout my body. I affirm this.

Lord Jesus, though You constantly cleanse me, at times I fall short of your call to wholeness. At times I seek release of my sexual and emotional tensions away from You, Lord. Loneliness, anger, frustration consume me.

Even now, Lord Jesus I feel tempted, blood rushes to my penis (clitoris), it becomes engorged and enlarged. Lord Jesus, save me from masturbation.

Even now as I pray this, I ask, Lord Jesus, that you redirect the flow of blood out of and away from this outer organ and send it pulsating into these life sustaining inner organs (here name some, e.g., lungs, heart, liver, kidneys); that they may be richly developed and healthy; that they may give me a long life; that I may serve You, Lord Jesus, to the glory of God, our Father. Amen. 1