Sumshee's homepage

e-male me... sumshee@sumshee.com

I need a very special friend to make me complete(ly) happy!

I LOVE A CHALLENGE !

Sumshee

Summie don't need no validation,

Summie don't need no qualification,

Summie don't have no reservations,

Summie don't want no reverse-ation

of anything she's ever done.

Only one thing

that she needs,

is the freedom in her head

to pull the weeds

that creep along her

Yellow Brick Road to Oz.

Old, bold sounds

of grounds, boundless.

No limits there,

where time was all mine.

But no time could be found

to grab the real ring...

to fully sing my song.

Let me have that time again

to use my refinements

with aid of youth.

Please!....I promise!

No?

Then I'll steal WHAT I can,

WHEN I can.

Not all will be perfect...

I'M not perfect...

as well, time.

Enjoy!...and 'E' me!"

"You Go, Guy...er...Girl!!!"

I am
****Sumshee^^^^

You know, I really am NOT sure that the world as it is will accept my antics, arts, smarts and mental farts; but if you 'bare' with me, you may find that we can have some fun.
I'll try to not be totally narcissistic and self-indulgent....

Butt...
(and that's a BIG but)...but it IS ...MY page! So if you don't like it, kiss....

Mr. Bazooka ,or

ME !
O.K! So maybe some of you homo-phobes and other guys who think you are straight would rather kiss Mr. Bazooka ...but I have the advantage at pecking around on a computer...I guess that that is where MY luck lies...especially the mouse part!...although, when he first heard a reference to a mouse, he got REALLY excited.

And he's not the ONLY warm bod around the house who gets excited.
I mean, there HAVE been times when I thought my legs might just MELT!!!

And you know what REALLY gets me hot?!?

three things:
HORSES,
DOGS
AND
MEN...
IN THAT ORDER

Horses:

Because they LOVE to go and go and go...and they don't seem to mind getting all sweaty...and they always enjoy a good rubdown, afterwards!!!

Dogs:

Because they are quite faithful to the last 'place' they got a treat....'course that means that I have to make sure they don't get too many 'handouts' from other sources...and make damn sure that they get the VERY BEST treats from ME!!!

Men:

Well...they...uh..uh...they..uh..they're good with power tools and hanging pictures and cleaning out the ol' plumbing...and pretty good for public appearances where they are kind of.......
Well,..expected!!!

SO...

I guess the IDEAL situation would be
a LONNGGG, hard running, treat-loving,
rub-down needing, faithful, tool-hanging,
socially presentable PLUMBER!!!...
with a good plunger.

A GOOD PLUNGER!!!

OK OK OK OK OK OK OK

Since starting up The Family Room (known by most as Sumshee's) , there have been a lot of changes. REALLY! Started as a shop selling items tailored to the GLBT populace (Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transgender), there came changes monthly....weekly....daily. First came the AfterHours. Since we don't sell alcohol, we can stay open 24-7. We don't have to close at 4AM. A sound system and lights and some flyers.... AfterHours Dance! Being situated between The Connection and Tryangles (two gay bars), the patronage was primarily, of course, GLBT. I was surrounded by...O-MY-GOD!!!... HOMOSEXUALS! and LESBIANS! I have been around? that crowd for a while but not always, regardless of the duration of my practices? which ties me TO that crowd. I am not gay but rather, transgender. And what THAT means is whole other world of discussion. I have done "gay things"? and maybe, by some definitions, that makes me gay. I really don't care. Semantics! But this was a whole new world, to me, at that time. I watched and listened and...yes, analyzed. I do that. I found that there are the same folks here as anywhere. I have made good friends. Some of the friends I have made here will be my friends forever. SOME of them. I have lost friends in the straight world... friends who proved to NOT be friends. When I stopped coverting my TG side, I found that I wasn't loved anymore. Was I ever, by them? This, also, can be a whole other world of discussion as to why people will drop allegiances of thirty or more years upon the revelation that a man likes to play another role. The reasons can range from fear of the unfamiliar to deep seated mind-control style training as to how things and humans are supposed to be. Regardless, I lost friends. And I have been shunned by those plagued with the same corrosive ways of viewing the world as my lost friends. So what?! I can be bothered, only so much, by such things. As I said before, I watched and listened...to both sides. I considered how society, in general, fit with my local environment. I considered a bit of history....psychology. I realized that some things needed to change. Yes, we are all the same colors inside. (except for a few people in D.C.) I wrote a little dissertation which was published in a small, regional newspaper. Entitled "Human Pride" ?, it speaks of the negative affects of group Pride ... how it can be taken too far and for too long. Sometimes, the balance can tilt too far. Please visit, with a mind open to new ideas, http://www.humanpride.org Folks, we are in bad shape. I am speaking way beyond one demographic of society. Our country has been led with fear. Couple that with ignorance induced by keeping differing factions separated with those fears, ....and there is no unity. We have no neighborhoods. We are broken into factions fearful of one another. Don't fool yourselves into thinking that the system doesn't want that to continue. True neighborhoods are populated with individuals who have differing opinions, tastes and values. The false neighborhoods created by fear and ignorance have no exchange of ideas...no sharing of concepts. You know?...sometimes, when people openly share ideas and concepts, they find that their preconceptions might actually change. They find that the other guy, often, has a valid point... that the group might be better with another direction... that the other guy is Human, too. Quality and vibrant neighborhoods are NOT created by churches. They are NOT created by race. They are NOT created by sexuality. They are created by people. MY race, My sexuality, MY cosmic belief does NOT have to compromise yours. Who you want to love, to have sex with... does NOT reduce the sanctity? of MY marriage. What books you read, what church you attend and what color you are... does NOT reduce the validity of MY choices. We need to pull down walls and talk. We need to say to each other, " Hey, what's up ? "? You just might find that what is up with that person over there is not at all caustic and not so much different than What's Up with you. -Sumshee

O.K...Here's the part where a lot of you may want to leave. Here's where the content of this page may become truly obscene...the part where I Let it ALL HANG OUT...the part that separates the men from the boys...the women from the girls...the women from the boys.
Whatever!!!
I am Sumshee! I am transgender...( no shit, Sum! )...and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who made it all possible...
...without whose help this would NOT have been neccesary:
First, I'd like to thank the academy...The Good Sister's Academy for Girls at The Church of the Presumptuous Assumption...where I, daily, got to see the steady parade of young femimnity,which always caught my eye, so that I might study the moves, the gestures, the girlish giggles over those whispered naughty thoughts about boys AND that good-looking young priest, Father Johnson. I heard their lurid, yet perfectly normal thoughts on occasions.
AND thanks to Sister Mary Stringent for catching me doing the naughty in the bushes just outside the fence of the school yard, while glaring at all that nubility jumping up and down, playing volleyball.
She proceeded to march me right down to Father Johnson, who THEN proceeded to teach me, in a VERY demonstrative way, what it was like to have someone glare at MY body with lustful thoughts.
It made me REALLY nervous, but JEEZ, I LIKED IT!!!!!
And I still do!!!

ANOTHER WARNING!!!

IT'S GONNA GET HEAVY, NOW!!! THOSE WITH A LOW THRESHOLD IN THE CEREBRAL FUNCTION DEPARTMENT, CHECK OUT THE NICE PICTURES

O.K., so the previous little story is bull...please, let me try to explain some things. From the first time that I played 'dress-up', I fell in love with it! I saw myself in the mirror and enthusiastically felt that I had come home. IT FELT FAMILIAR!!!...And THAT'S the STRANGEST and STRONGEST aspect of it.
"MY GOODNESS...I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE...'HELLOOOO, BABY!!!!' ."
I can't help it...I can't explain it...I can't leave it!
And I don't WANT to!!
There's no reason to. Everything about it seems so normal to me now. I'm sure that this is going to sound really corny in the analogies department, but imagine walking into a house that you've never entered before and looking up to see a mirror right there in the entrance hall...you see your reflection, and 'FREAKIN'-WHAM'...it's like a cannonball shot right into your gut...you're first struck by the AMAZING CLARITY of this mirror...unlike any reflection that you have ever percieved...it's you...and you see yourself very differently than before...and you realize that this perfection of reflection will change your life forever...with almost spiritual conviction. As Walter Cronkite would say,"...and that's the way it is..."
I know that physically, I'm, sort of, a man. But I'm talking GENDER here, Honey...
Not genitals...Not facial hair...Not foot and hand size...And not even sexual preference. Sex has absolutely nothing to do with this. This is the mind, the psyche... MY mental picture of myself and the world around me.
The experts are finally tending to come around to the fact that gender IS, at least mostly, separate from the physical...very much related and usually co-existent...but NOT one in the same...just like love and sex.They go great together, but ARE two totally different things.
Feminine and masculine traits are assigned by commoness or frequency of their appearance in 'male' or 'female' people. There are a lot of women with masculine traits and a lot of men with traits more associated with and found more in women...and I'm not talking lisps, limp wrists or high, soft voices. Hell, if you need further enlightenment and specifics, study up on it...it's rather interesting, actually.

O.K.,you in the back row...you have a question?...yes...uh-huh...yes...yes...ummm, O.K.!
I was just getting to that.
The large lady with the bold, square jaw and cigar asks if I'm not speaking contradictorally. That's something that I've thought and asked about quite a lot for a long time: If the CORE of gender is NOT in the realm of the physical, then why is dressing up as a woman...masquerading as a woman...a desire? IF gender is a question of deeper and more mental/emotional aspects of a person, isn't 'dressing up' something in the physical realm?
With THAT question, we have to examine the fact that women's clothes, make-up, mannerisms, etc. are all, effectively, arbitrary manifestations of social convention and structure.
They aren't NATURAL! Physical size and shape, menstruation, childbirth, etc., ARE natural. But these other superficial demonstrations of 'femininity' were all dependent on how the dice landed countless times in history...I mean, what if more of "society" had followed most of nature? In nature, most males are more ornate and colorful than are the females. What if men had turned out to be the ones in skirts? Hey, what about kilts?...social manifestations! Rolls of the dice! So, have I kinda blown the crap out of using the "internal" gender thing as a sort of validation for me or any other genetic male to be pecking around in 4" heels?
Why do I bring GENDER and CROSSDRESSING together in one dissertation if both can be autonomous and one is physical, the other psychological?
I think it can be answered in one or more of three ways:

1) We are animals. Animals are associative creatures...we associate one thing with another. So IF a guy feels more in tune with the majority of women ( those who are predominantly "feminine" in "attitude and psyche"), he's going to feel comfortable EMULATING women. He ASSOCIATES the appearances of women with his internal feelings and thoughts.

2) I don't KNOW if this is reality, but perhaps we have had past lives. That would sure explain why, at least in MY case, crossdressing feels so INCREDIBLY FAMILIAR. Possibly, I have lived happily as a woman in the past...or,...

3) Maybe...just maybe...I'm just a SICK and INSANE puppy!

And now, the...

Neat Words of "Wisdom" and Life Corner

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Desires...
funny things,
desires.
They come and go.
When they're here,
they're dominating
wicked mistresses,
riding crops and all.
When they're gone,
they're the righteous
and sinless grandmother
who clarifies the follies of life.
Yeah...desires!
Today, a mistress...
tomorrow aged.
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There really are a lot of joyous, educational and positive aspects of this whole thing to me...like the perspectives that I have gained from being "a woman". Since the women's liberation movement hit here in the 60's, there HAVE been a lot of changes. But like with anything in a big social structure, it takes a long time to change...a long time to turn the boat around. And out of the enthusiasm of making the big change, the women's-libbers had to push the situation further than what was necessary, because to get to 100 meters in the end, one has to push to at least 150 meters and then relax and fall back to the original goal. Do you understand what I mean? People ,"en masse", are so strange...and stubborn. SO often, I see glimpses of how "genetic" women feel when they are treated certain ways, at least in our society. I have always been a feminist. I have always wondered why women WEREN''T paid the same as men for the same work... why they weren't in politics...why they were treated like a piece of meat. Even in the social environment of the gay / lesbian culture, where everyone knows WHAT I am... a transgender, I DO see and feel the attitudes toward women in our society. Some actions are well-intentioned and / or archaic. Some are downright vicious and careless. Some are totally ignorant of any common decency and practical reasoning. Occasionally, I encounter situations where the man involved DOESN'T know yet that I am TG. And he acts on that assumption. Sometimes the situation is hilarious and sometimes it is quite pitiful and sad. I have been approached many times by guys out in open public, usually at night, who come on with that "Hey , Baby" approach. I have enjoyed seeing their faces when they finally realize the situation. Sometimes it is just surprise or mild shock and sometimes they are devastated. Some take the path of disgust..."Oh, God, it's a GUY....sort of....!" . Some just run because they have no idea as to how to act. Some calmly respond and say, "Gee, it's not what I'm into, but I am fascinated...can I ask you something?..." and then they usally have a very polite and intelligent course of conversation with me.
Mid October...several years ago. Halloween was fast approaching. Several friends of mine had dabbled for years in shifting the gender line by cross dressing. We were discussing costumes for the event and one friend said to me, "Honey! You need to go in drag! You're perfect for it." I was offended. I never thought of myself as anything but fully "male". "What do you mean, "perfect for it"? "You have what we call a good 'woman face' ". More offense taken. It was explained that no, it doesn't mean girlish, but rather ...dual...workable both ways...not too square of a jaw, cheekbones that lend assistance, etc. "You are drop dead gorgeous as a man, " (not my words) "but with the duality that is drag, it would work fine. Besides, it's Halloween." I consented. The process took about three hours, and I was mortified...I felt so ridiculous. I was not allowed to see any of the process of the makeup. A clown, that's what I was to be! I knew it. Then it was "Put these on. NO, no... not THAT way. OK, drop these in there...,etc. Then the heels! I'll never handle THIS. HMMM, that's not bad. I thought I would be WAY off balance. No problem walking, at least because that would compound the mortification of looking like an idiot. Claudia looked to Tommi, Tommi to Claudia. Smiles of consent. "OK, Gorgeous...now!" They consented to my realization. I stepped in front of the full-length mirror. I was non-existent! Helloooo-baby!... who are YOU? (I wonder if everyone, deep down, holds as their ideal of the opposite sex, themselves in a different gender frame.) Amazed is not an accurate description of my state. "Oooooh!, MY!" I started to explore my new existence. I touched myself. My God..."they" feel real. I actually got excited. I never would have believed it. I spun. This was Marilyn.... Mansfield...... Sophia. Claudia and Tommi had done a perfect job. I didn't look like a drag queen. They didn't "stage" the make-up because I wasn't going up into stage lights. It was real ....just the right application to transform me in a real and everyday sense.
Since then, progressively, I have lived as much of my life as I can as a female. I have thought so many times about having a full change. But that move is so very bold and permanent, not to mention the cost. I have found that the duality that is half the fun. If I was told that I could only have one existence...for the rest of my life, I would change. I love it so much more than my maleness. Any aspect of my female side is much more me than the other. But I don't have to choose. I am very fortunate to have the freedom to live BOTH lives. I happen to be married to a 'genetic' female, no children. My partner seems to accept that this is a part of me, after MANY hours of discussion. I am fortunate in that sense.
I have learned so much being a "girl". I am treated as a woman. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it . I see exactly what "genetic women" complain about. Sometime, when I am "out there", I am a piece of meat, to be picked up merely for the fact that I am "out there". When driving in traffic, I see an "auto body language" ...guys will catch sight of the hair, the nails, the lips...and slow down, speed up, change lanes...to get a better view. Sometimes it's fun to play with them and see to what extent they will go out of their way to finally see what "she" looks like. I know that there is flattery there, but it IS intimidating, too: what is this person's intention?
Most everyone who knows me both ways have commented that I am a very different person. They find a more mellow me that laughs easier and is softer in attitude. I like that me, too. I have felt from day one, totally comfortable and at ease as a "woman". I like the feel of the clothes, the whole attire thing feels...familar, somehow. I don't know, maybe we all have had past lives and I have lived as a woman before.
My father, after an intial and nearly devastating shock of meeting his new-found daughter, said that, looking back, he sees that this is a realization of the person he always saw from childhood. He says it makes perfect sense to him. He never saw a "girlish" boy, but rather sees in retrospect, lots of little things about me then that fit with the usual gender characteristics of most real women.
I am really fortunate that I "pull it off" as well as I do. I have been told by many that I am a very pretty woman. Since it is something that I love so much, that helps. I have thought many times about getting older...not looking as good in later years. I expressed this concern to a close friend who is a dyed-in-the-wool lesbian. "Kiva, I am NOT looking forward to looking in the mirror someday and seeing Edith Bunker." She responded, "Summie, if you have the connection to all this as strongly as you say...if you feel as you say you do, then just remember, REAL women get older, TOO."
Thank you, Kiva.
Gosh, I love Halloween!
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POINTS ABSURD
Religions are a noble thought!
Though they try, they just are not
complete in what they do begin;
asking what is God and sin.
The problems that do seem to be
are in the vast complexity
of trying to convince this man
to do the very best he can.
Tablets, scrolls and manuscripts;
no one really knows which fits
the key hole of our universe.
There are so many what is worse,
they all just preach the Golden Rule.
I don't think myself a fool
in need of children's teaching-tales
of burning bushes, gobbling whales
and stories long since stretched far out
beyond the truth and into doubt
with story tellers' flailing arms
and parables all full of charms
of things that simply could not be.
I find it hard to think that "HE"
wanted all this to transpire,
when all we need is to aquire
an understanding of some right,
so that we may sleep at night.
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REGARDING FRIENDS

In our friends,

We use and lose our parts.

In our hands,

We hold the gold of hearts.

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FOR LUKE

Realities

shift.

Worlds meld and

don't exist.

Birds fly while bugs

get high.

Man "determines"

solidity.

"Who and when are you?",

asked the caterpillar.

----" 'tis clear, it is.

----I am fantasy,

----and will always be absolute reality!"

WHAT A MAN!!!

(WHICH ONE, SUMMIE?)

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DAWN, OF SORTS

When the rooster crows at the break of dawn

and everyone gets up and says to me,

"Out of rhythm, off key! Out of rhythm, off key.

Out of rhythm..."

Say what!?

You KNOW what!

What I say!

I say the rooster crowed.

He CROWED, dammit!

At least I heard him....

which gives me a MAJOR key.

I'm one octave higher now, seeking more.

When the rooster crowed at the break of dawn,

I got up and said,

"Why was this not played before?

And why is THAT plot laid much more?"

Such a boring set of rules.

Those they're for must all be fools

to follow all the other steps,

just like all the little preps

with the little alligator...

roosters must wait until later.

Such a shame, but it's the game...

start out young and grow so lame;

not just older, not just tame,

but LAME; bending, seeking fame

for doing what the people ask

instead of leading as a task.

I, myself, have worn the mask

blotting out the thinking face,

running in the human race.

I now see a greater grace

in saying, "No!" Im tired of that.

Give me lean meat, no more fat

which mushes through my pearly-whites.

Give me meat which turns and fights

and makes me seek a different knife

to use to cut the beef of life

into pieces pleasing to my taste;

instead of swallowing in haste

the bite-size pieces all stamped out.

It's enough to make one shout...

like a rooster, crowing on,

like roosters do at seeing dawn.

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AND YOU THOUGHT ALL THIS GIRL WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT WAS SEX!!

What is the hope of the modern poet?

Why is the grope of the modern know-it

too beyond the time she leads?

Too, beyond the rhyme she feeds,

has she the need to fill the needs

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