THE ACCEPTANCE by Phillip Luis Velez

        I tossed and turned in bed for hours.  The same images filling every space in my head.  Images that were all too familiar to me.  They represented thoughts and feelings that I did not want to confront.  The voices inside my head were in conflict and the restlessness was unbearable.  It was like no other night of my life.  Usually the storm would pass within an hour.  That night was different.  The emotions were calling too loudly.  They could not wait any longer, and I had to listen.
        The first inclination that something was different surfaced during my sophomore year in high school.  Gym class was co-ed and the only time you would see your fellow classmates in their most revealing clothing.  The uniform was the same for both boys and girls: shorts and a T-shirt.  However, everyone looked quite distinct in them.  I became fascinated with the girls in their T-shirts and the guys in their shorts.  The latter fascination confused me.
        I was a late bloomer.  I started puberty later than most boys my age.  My hormones were bouncing off walls like any normal teenager, so the fact that I found masculine legs attractive was not much of a concern to me at the time.  I believed it was just a phase. This was just one among the many thoughts that filled my head my sophomore and junior years. Yet, instead of these feelings subsiding, they became stronger. By my senior year in high school, a battle had begun inside me.
        I went away to college feeling sexually confused.  I did not want to admit anything to myself.  I still held on to the notion that these sensations would pass.  I tried to suppress them as well as I could.  I dated women in the hopes of convincing others and myself that everything was "all right."  However, the more I tried to bury my feelings, the longer the nights became.  I sought refuge in alcohol, which served as a temporary evasion.  A serious drinking problem ensued.  I rolled down hills, fell off a balcony, passed out underneath a stairwell and woke up several times on cold bathroom tiles.  My first blackout was frightening.  It was eerie having your actions replayed to you be someone else.  Two friends had an idea that I was dealing with a little more than the average college drinking binge.  They were right.
        Throughout my first two years of college, I continued to hide from myself.  I left the city and went away to school in order to appreciate the full college experience.  I went to lectures and plays, parties and bars.  I saw beauty and learned wonders.  I met people from different ethnic, cultural and religious backgrounds.  I could do anything I wanted to do and it felt as if I had the world at my fingertips.  It was one of the best times of my life and the most enlightening.  Except part of me was envious of this new-found freedom.  The same part that I have been denying for so long.
        I laid in darkness staring at the ceiling.  It was a Thursday night and my roommate had gone out for the evening.  The residence hall was silent and I felt like the only person in the building.  I began to reflect on the past semesters and what the future had in store for me.  Restlessness  and anxiety settled in as hundreds of questions simultaneously flashed through my mind.  Why was I feeling these things?  Where did they come from?  When will they go away?  I have had nights like this before, but each one brought with it more questions.
        Questions created by stifled desires.  There seemed to be no end in sight.  During one of the finest times of my life, I felt miserable.  In one evening I drowned in more emotions than I had ever felt in my life.  Fear, hate, shame and sadness overwhelmed me.  I could not continue to live this way and I did not want to endure another night like this one.  The time had come to face what I knew was the inevitable.
        A staggering sense of solitude overcame me as I accepted the fact that I was going to be gay.  I thought about how it would affect the rest of my life and the people in it.  How would I tell them?  How would they take it?  Will my parents be ashamed?  Will my siblings talk to me?  Will I lose my friends?  Will I encounter discrimination?  Will I ever be beaten and will I ever be loved?  Questions that I have thought about before, but never taken seriously because I thought I would never have to.
        With my acceptance came these unanswered questions.  I knew that my true happiness relied on the answers to these questions.  I cried myself to sleep that evening knowing that they would not come easily.  There was a long road ahead of me and I did not know what to expect.  I would have to confront a great deal of fear,  ignorance,  and prejudice.  I decided that these obstacles were worth overcoming if in the end, I would no longer feel bewildered, scared and ashamed.  My mother believed that the purpose of life was to be happy.  I decided that my happiness depended on knowing who I was and having peace of mind.  If I had to challenge these barriers to achieve this goal, so be it.
 

Colores Vivos Copyright 1998