JULIE-CAT'S VERSION OF

"THE HONEYMOONERS"



I'll tell you how I came to type up this "Honeymooners." thing

One afternoon, I had a terrible shopping day!

I walk into the store, and I pull a dress off the rack and say, "I'll buy this if it's a size 8." And the woman glares at me and says "No, you won't!"
I pull another dress off the rack and say, "I'll bet this will fit me. I don't even have to try it on." And she grabs it away from me and says "I'm not selling it!"
Well, now I'm mad. So I say, "Listen, if I was a GG you'd sell me one of these dresses!" And she shouted at me, "I don't know what a GG is, but I'm not selling you ANY dresses you dizzy slut. This is a dry cleaner's!"

I thought my day couldn't get any worse, but when I went into the bank, I heard somebody shout out, "look at the low interest CD."

Do you suppose they were referring to moi???

Well, that night I was so rattled ...I tuned in "The Honeymooners" to relax. I guess I sort of dozed off in my white lace bra and panties...because I dreamed that the episode went something...like...this...


Alice: Ralph! I come home and you're en femme! Where do you get such crazy notions!
Ralph: The notions counter is right next to the lingerie department.
Alice: You know what I mean, Ralph. I don't want to see you in make-up! How would you like it if I wore a fake beard?
Ralph: I wouldn't mind. Why don't we both just dress up and then turn out the lights...
Alice: Ralph, put yourself in my place -
Ralph: Baby, you're the greatest! I'll start with a dress just like yours...
Alice: You've got to be kidding.
Ralph: Actually, I am. Those day dresses Lucy Ricardo wears are much more stylish than yours! Listen, Alice, you don't know what it's like having to wear a bus driver's uniform when I'd much rather wear a frilly tu-tu! There's a little girl in me that wants to come out!
Alice: I'd say there are three or four little girls in there that want to come out!
Ralph: Ya gotta understand...man's work is a big responsibility. I like to come home and unwind in lingerie!
Alice: So you buy a tent, put lace around it, and wear it for a slip?
Ralph: Come on, let's both wear lingerie to bed! You'll get someone who can lick you like the hottest lesbian and f*** you like the hottest stud! Don't you think that if I was in drag, I'd eat you out slower and better?
Alice: As it is, Ralph, you eat me out of house and home!
Ralph: Aw, Alice, be tolerant of the differences between a GG and a TV.
Alice: Like what?
Ralph: When a GG wants to have sex, she usually takes her panties OFF!
Alice: And a TV puts the panties on?
Ralph: Now you've got the idea. Here's another difference. A GG goes to her guest's bathroom and peeks in the medicine cabinet. The TV goes in and peeks in the hamper!
Alice: RALPH!
Ralph: Did you know that Mrs. Manicotti down the hall wears black lace panties?
Alice: How do you know those don't belong to Mr. Manicotti?
Ralph: Now you're thinking like me!
Alice: Ralph, why aren't you content letting ME wear the sexy lingerie?
Ralph: I look at sexy underwear in the lingerie store window and I want to wear it, too.
Alice: But Ralph....
Ralph: Look, when you see a cake in a bakery window, you don't think how nice it would be for someone else to eat it. No, you want it for yourself! That's how I feel, Alice.
Alice: No, Ralph. When you pass a bakery window, you want it ALL for yourself!
Ralph: Bang, Zoom!
Alice: Is that some kind of TV chat room code word, like bamf or lurk or blork?
Ralph: Homina homina homina...
Alice: Oh, is that another one?
Ralph: How'd you know I visit a TV chat room? I told you I was watching "Captain Video" and I thought you believed it...
Alice: I can spot the color background in Donna's chat room a mile off.
(A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, AND IN WALKS ED NORTON, EN FEMME)
Norton: Hey, there, Ralphie-girl!
Ralph: Naughty Norton? Is that you? Why...you're beautiful!
Norton: I'm feelin' pretty good. Look at my figure. In high school I had a D average and I could barely pass. Now I've got a D cup and I can really pass!
Ralph: I'll say, Norton! These days you even wear ladies stuff at work, don't you?
Norton: Sure, Ralphie. Down in the sewer I sometimes catch a fish in my fishnet tights! I'm real popular in the sewer, 'cause I wear perfume!
Ralph: When did the guys realize you liked to behave like a girl?
Norton: Heh heh, I guess it was when they caught me in the men's room squatting at the urinal! And then there was the time...everybody had 5-packs of White Owl Rangers. And I took out a 5-pack of Tampax supers! Ralphie, the first time I went out en femme I wore a Bugs Bunny mask. I figured people would be nicer to me.
Ralph: Waddya mean, Norton?
Norton: I heard TV's get a better reception with rabbit ears! Pretty funny, huh?
Ralph: He does jokes about rabbit ears when everyone has cable TV and the Internet!
Norton: Look, Ralphie, here comes my SO!
(TRIXIE ENTERS)
Trixie: Hi everyone. Doesn't "Edwina" look nice? He's even more femme than I am!
Alice: Trixie! How can you say that?
Trixie: Because I'm really a guy, Alice!
Alice: But we've tried on dresses together...I've seen you in panties and there wasn't a bulge!
Trixie: I've been wearing a gaffe so long, when I take it off, it takes about five minutes for my giblets to come back into view!
Alice: Trix, what about those lovely breasts of yours???
Trixie: Hormones! Haven't you ever heard of hormones?
Ralph: The walls are so thin in this tenement, I hear hormones all the time. Maybe it was you, Trixie, turning a few tricks??
Trixie: Don't joke with me, Ralph. Not when I'm doing you a big favor. Here!
Ralph: Gosh, Trix. What can I say? You've taken my old bowling ball bags and made a bra for me...and look...you left the bowling balls in 'em for falsies! Just my size...
Norton: So what are ya gonna call yourself, Ralphie-girl? Think of a sweet name.
Ralph: (snaps his fingers) I got it! I got it! I'll call myself "Honey."
Norton: That is SWEET, Ralphie-girl!
Ralph: And now that I've pulled my panties down and turned around...I'm "Honey Mooner!"
Alice: All right, Ralph. I give up. Trixie, hand me that strap-on...
Ralph: Baby, you're the greatest!

"HEY THERE, RALPHIE-GIRL!!!!" 1