I have TV fantasies...I imagine myself...on television! There hasn't been a memorable transvestite guesting on a series since "Beverly LaSalle" on "All in the Family."

If I had the chance, I'd bring some true-life cross-dressing experiences to all kinds of shows. You'd see me listed in "TV Guide" all week long...

SUDDENLY SUSAN
Julie thanks Brooke Shields for popularizing thick eyebrows! Then Brooke gets mad when Julie insists that she'd prefer the handle of a tennis racket to Andre Agassi.

E.R.
Julie tries to explain to the emergency staff that it was a lot easier getting the tampon in than getting it back out again. "It was just an experiment," she says, "usually I use a Kotex!" The conclusion of the episode appears on "MTV Unplugged."

THE A-TEAM
Julie joins a group of transvestites who try and find inexpensive ways to pad their bras. Julie walks in with a new D-cup thanks to balloons full of bird seed. They jiggle nicely but..."now I feel like Tippi Hedren," she complains after being attacked by a schoolyard full of pigeons. "That's more peckers than anyone can take!"

IT TAKES A THIEF
Julie explains to Robert Wagner that some CD's are just too embarrassed to go up to the counter and buy lipstick and cosmetics!

THE X FILES
Julie helps David Duchovny investigate the phenomenon of why guys who have petite-shaped wives, buy frilly panties in oversized X and XL sizes! (Some of these guys also like to call themselves "Gillian!")

WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS
Julie demonstrates great hand-eye coordination when she removes all her pink nylon panties from the dryer before anyone in the laundromat can see them!

MEN BEHAVING BADLY
Julie counsels amateur CD's: "If you can't shave your legs, at least wear dark pantyhose!"

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS
Julie meets a group of 20-something transvestites who have just discovered how difficult it is to wear a tight bra and lace thong bikini all day under a business suit!

HOME IMPROVEMENT
Julie helps Tim Allen build a secret walk-in closet to store all the girlie-clothes! Finally, Tim can fulfill his fantasy of being a "Tool Time" girl! And get a nice Strap-On Tool!

JEOPARDY
Julie loses in her bid for quiz show fame and fortune. Alex Trebek says: "The Daily Double." And Julie answers, "What do I fill my bra with, first thing in the morning?"

ELLEN
Julie has a confession: "Ellen, I think I'm a lesbian, too!"