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"On reflecting about homosexuality, I've learned that: my religious tradition taught me to believe that my son was a sinner; my medical support system taught me to believe that my son was sick; my educational system taught me that my son was abnormal; my legal system views my son and his partner in an unsanctioned relationship without legal rights and protection that are afforded my married daughter; my family, immediate and extended, provided no acknowledgement or support for having a gay relative in its midst; my major communication sources treated homosexuality as deviant."
---James Genasci, father of a gay son, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Families, and parents particularly, are profoundly affected when a child or sibling is gay or lesbian. The expected course of family life is changed irrevocably. And the course it takes, the new actions and attitudes it assumes toward the gay/lesbian teen, can mean the difference between life and death.
"I still have to come out to my parents, but we have grown distant...and they hardly know me anymore. I'm afraid of what their reaction might be."---Devin Beringer, 17, testifying at the Public Hearings.If the teen has not come out to his or her parents, a rift develops in which both family and teen feel separated from each other. The secrets needed to maintain silence pile up like the Berlin Wall, increasing the teen's isolation from his family and his sense of aloneness.
"It cannot get back to my 12 year-old sister that I am anything apart from a carefree, heterosexual high school senior or as my father so eloquently put it, 'The heavens will fall in on your petty life."---Zoe Hart, 17, testifying at the Public Hearings."Over these past two years, I have seen that she knows what it means not to be able to share this information with parents and friends, and how painful it is."---Happie Byers, grandmother of a lesbian teen, testifying at the Public Hearings.
If the gay/lesbian teen reveals his or her identity, the family unit is often deeply shaken. It must revise its image of the teen, but also of itself as a unit. The family must deal with the many feelings that follow, and the reactions of extended family and community.
Parents testifying at the Governor's Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth's Public Hearings spoke of being unprepared for the news that their son or daughter was gay or lesbian.
"Society had ill-prepared me to be the father of a gay son. To be brought up in this society is to be brought up homophobic."--James Genasci, testifying at the Public Hearings."We began to ask ourselves the guilt-based question, 'What did I do wrong?' After all, our Italian-American and Irish-American families were saturated with Roman Catholic doctrine and the cultural imperative of normality. Clearly we had failed and he was somehow defective."---Sandra Bayne, mother of a gay son testifying at the Public Hearings.
The family must cope with how the world reacts to them as a family with a gay or lesbian member, as well as to the teen himself/herself. The organization P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), a group that provides support for parents and family members of gay and lesbian people, finds that often families go into the closet when their gay/lesbian child comes out. The pain and isolation experienced by family members of gay and lesbian youth in many ways parallel the aloneness of the gay family member.
"We began, perhaps worst of all, to live the lie. This is the extremely stressful experience of monitoring everything you say lest you reveal what cannot be revealed, and then lying to hide the truth....Lying breeds self-loathing, so you begin to avoid those to whom you must lie."---Sandra Bayne, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Families often have no realistic conception of what it means to be gay or lesbian or to have a loved one who is lesbian or gay. They have been exposed to stereotypes of gays and lesbians and rarely have read accurate books or articles about gay and lesbian people.
Three themes which have permeated society's attitudes and treatment of young gays or lesbians are: silence, ignorance, and avoidance. Society usually talks about homosexuality in a pejorative sense and avoids the presence and needs of young gays and lesbians. The result of this atmosphere is a family in denial and in great distress.
Often when families learn that a son or daughter is gay or lesbian, the reaction is
shame and guilt. Without support or knowledge, they feel confused and alone.
"In the beginning, I was full of sadness and fear for our son and his partner...and along with my husband, wondered who would be supportive."--Jean Genasci, mother of a gay son, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Some parents turn against their lesbian/gay child in anger and these teens are thrown out of their homes or driven to run away. Sometimes these gay/lesbian adolescents end up on the streets, becoming self-destructive and all too often attempting suicide.
"I got kicked out of my house in July, and at that point there was violence involved. My mother went nuts and came at me with an iron and I ran downstairs and I locked the door and she called the police. The police came and they asked what was going on. And I told them, and my mother started saying that I'm always in Boston with the fags and that I'm doing this and I'm doing that. And he started cracking all kinds of gay jokes and telling me what he would do to his kids if they were gay and he told me that I should leave."---Troix Bettencourt, 18, testifying at the Public Hearings.Twenty-six percent of young gays and lesbians are forced to leave home because of conflicts over their sexual orientation, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (Gibson, "Report of the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide," 1989).
"Then came the moment of truth. My dad wanted an explanation, a reason for my disenrollment from the ROTC, and my very worst fears were realized when I suddenly became persona non grata in my own home."---Chris Collins, University of Massachusetts-Amherst student, testifying at the Public Hearings.
"We experience the same feelings our children have experienced: the utter confusion over what homosexuality means, the fear of not fitting into a very uniform society, the fear of rejection by our parents and relatives and friends, even the fear of physical harm, and of course A.I.D.S.."---Sandra Bayne, testifying at the Public Hearings.
Many of the same issues afflicting young gays and lesbians also afflict their families: isolation, actual rejection or fear of rejection from other family members and from society at large, feelings of failure and inferiority, disappointment with oneself and with loved ones, anger and rage, and feelings of confusion and frustration due to not knowing where to turn for help or guidance.
"My family, immediate and extended, provided no acknowledgement or support." -James Genasci.
Mary Griffith had been a Christian Fundamentalist. When she and her husband found out that Bobby was gay when he was sixteen, they tried to "cure" him through prayer and a Christian counselor. Since her son's death, Mary has come to regret that her family did not accept Bobby's gay identity.
"We never thought of a gay person as an equal, lovable, and valuable part of God's creation. What a travesty of God's unconditional love....Had I viewed my son's life with a pure heart, I would have recognized him as a tender spirit in God's eyes." --Mary Griffith, mother of a gay son who committed suicide.Ruth, a mother of a lesbian daughter who killed herself, blames society's ignorance for her daughter's suicide.
"A wonderful child, with an incredible mind, is gone because our society can't accept people who are 'different' from the norm. What an awful waste. I will miss my daughter for the rest of my life. I'll never see her beautiful smile or hear her glorious laugh. I'll never see her play with her sister again. All because of hatred and ignorance. I strongly believe that the seeds of hate are sown early in life. Let's replace them with love, understanding and compassion. We have no choice: this terrible tragedy will continue to repeat itself and someday it may be your wonderful child who is gone forever."---Ruth, mother of a lesbian daughter who committed suicide; testimony submitted to the Governor's Commission.Families of gay and lesbian teenagers need help for themselves in dealing both with their feelings and with the prejudice and mythology of the outside world. They need help as well in order to be able to advocate for the physical and emotional safety of their lesbian/gay teen who must navigate though a school and social life made dangerous by those who hate or fear him/her for being different. Parents and families need help in order to alleviate the guilt and shame they feel, and to empower themselves and their son or daughter in this journey.
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