Q: Do your children know you are gay?
A: Hmmmm. I used to say that I didn't believe that they knew what it meant, but I'm sure that they do. I asked Sarah if she knew what the word, "gay," meant, and she said yes. I thought I had made it clear to them recently when I explained that, as William put it, "Sometimes boys have crushes on other boys." I thought that had put the matter of my sexuality to rest with them. However, Sarah recently made some sort of comment about my having a girlfriend someday or some such nonsense, so maybe it wasn't as clear as I had thought. Or maybe she's having a hard time reconciling how it could have been possible that I was married at one point to a woman.
They know Mike, and they knew that he is special to me. As they ask questions, I will continue to provide honest answers which I think they can understand. I do not plan to hide my sexuality from them, nor do I plan to involve them in any battles which they do not choose to fight.
As a subtle preparation for this, and to have something to refer to, I sing them a song they have come to refer to as "Daddy's Goodnight Song." It is actually a song which I first heard at a conference in Boston a few years ago, performed by "The Flirtations," and called "Everything Possible." I bought their compact disc right after their performance, and memorized the song. The text and my thoughts on this subject are included in the link. I hope I have not violated any copyright laws!
Q: How can you be gay and have children?
A: I’m not a believer in the "all or nothing" point of view which pigeonholes human beings into neat little categories (e.g., "gay" or "straight"). I will label myself as "gay" for the sake of convenience, and because of the fact that I am drawn much more strongly toward men than women when it comes to intimacy, but that is a far cry from denying the complexities which make us human beings, capable of loving each other regardless of any differences. I truly love my ex-wife, and being gay has never changed that. I realize that is difficult for many to understand. In a freer world, perhaps I would have realized that I was gay sooner, and perhaps I could have avoided the pain that I both experienced myself and caused to those who I care about.
Q: Do you consider yourself to be bisexual?
A: No. I consider myself to be gay. Since leaving my ex-wife, I have not been with another woman, and don’t plan to be. It’s not as if I don’t notice when a woman is attractive; I just know that I could never sustain an intimate relationship with a woman. My marriage taught me that.
Q: If you had your life to live over again, what would you do differently?
A: I would have taken piano lessons. Seriously, I can’t think of a time in my life when I didn’t think I was doing the right thing based upon what I knew. Other than little mistakes and normal misbehavior, I don’t think I could have changed anything. Nevertheless, not one day has gone by without my questioning my decision to end my marriage. Similarly, not one day has gone by without my wishing I could have come out sooner and avoided causing any pain to my ex-wife or to my children. This is always somewhat of a useless question, though, and unless some angel named Clarence appears in front of me, I’m not going to waste much time on it!
Q: Are you happier now?
A: Well, now, that's the $64,000 question, isn't it? Ask me that on any given day and you're likely to get a different answer. The gay author, Paul Monette, once wrote, "When you finally come out, there's a pain that stops, and you know it will never hurt like that again, no matter how much you lose or how bad you die." If there was a choice made by me, it was not to be gay or not to be gay, but it was to come out or not to come out. I would be doing a disservice to anyone taking the time to read this page if I told you that it has been the best experience of my life, and that coming out has brought me much contentment and happiness. Honestly, it hasn't.
I miss having an intact family life with wife and children; I miss the safety and comfort of a heterosexual life; I miss knowing what the rules are in a relationship instead of having to make them up all the time; I even miss the financial security I once had and now don't. I've wreaked havoc in my life by coming out, and I've caused myself and others much pain and unhappiness. I haven't found more happiness yet. More than anything else, though, I continue to believe that it was the right thing to do. I think it was Aristotle who said, "The unexplored life is not worth living," and Shakespeare who wrote, "This above all else, to thine own self be true." I believe in the wisdom of these words, and I believe I have a responsibility to live my life according to what I've learned to be the truth, no matter what the consequences are. I know I could not have remained happy forever in a role I was not fit to play. "Pursuit of happiness" is all we have a right to, happiness itself is our own responsibility.
Q: What advice to you have for other men who are dating or married to a woman but who are gay?
A: I have to stress that my decision to leave my wife and kids was my decision, and that I thought that it was the right decision FOR ME. I knew that there was no way I could continue with the relationship honestly, and that, therefore, it needed to end. After all I've been through, and in retrospect, the only thing that is clear to me is that each person needs to make his/her own decisions and bear the consequences.
But I won't cop out with that response alone, I guess. To those who are still struggling with this issue, I offer the following:
What other questions would you like answered? E-mail me what you want to know, and I’ll respond. If enough people ask the same question, then I’ll put the question and its answer on this page! Thanks for reading!