One of the most confusing issues I faced when coming out was the whole notion that
monogamy wasn't necessary for mutually satisfying relationships. It very quickly
became apparent to me that many gay couples were not monogamous, yet stayed together.
Having been in a straight relationship, having grown up Roman Catholic, and having
parents who were committed to a monogamous relationship, I found the issue of sexual
infidelity to be frustrating, confusing, and challenging. For these reasons, I asked questions about sex and about monogamy on my website for over a year, and many of you responded. As I have in other places
on this site, I will share my thoughts and opinions about sex. Many of these opinions were formed because of the kind and thoughtful responses to questions I asked here.
- Sex is a tool, much like a hammer. Hammers can be used to construct or to destroy.
Sex can be used in a similar fashion.
- By itself, sex means nothing. We place meaning on sex and pair it with values.
There is nothing wrong with doing this, but the consequence of such an action
empowers the sex act beyond its innate characteristics. It is for this reason that
infidelity hurts us so much. Many gay couples have discovered this truth, and have
attempted--some successfully--to separate the inherent value of sex from the imposed
value. For this reason, some couples--both straight and gay--have been able to forge
lasting and caring relationships that are nonmonogamous.
- We place meaning and value on all sorts of things and actions in the world around us.
There is nothing wrong with refusing to devalue the sex act, and to insist upon
monogamy in a relationship. I believe our only responsibility in making such a
choice is to do so in the light of the truth.
- The best advice about sex I ever heard was given to me (ironically) by a priest while I
was in college. He wisely stated that by choosing to have sexual relations with
another person, you are making a statement with your body. If that statement is
honest, then the act is probably okay (morally speaking); if it is dishonest, then the act
is probably not okay.
- People don't talk enough about sex and what it means. Many would rather leave
things unspoken, thinking that the "mysterious" nature of sex adds spice and
romance to the act. Too often, it only adds pain and misunderstanding.
Assumptions have had no positive effect on any other aspect of human relationships;
why would anyone suspect that assumptions would be of use with regard to sex?
- Sex is more about choices, consequences, and communication than it is about right or
wrong. It is when we pair sex with power and strength that we see the problems of
rape and sexual assault appear.
- If we separate the guilt, shame, and "dirt" from sex, if we disempower sex by
separating it from our artificial associations, if we see sex in its simplest and purest
form, then we will begin to truly enjoy the act, and to truly appreciate its function in
our lives.
So does this mean that I want a nonmonogamous relationship now? Not necessarily. However, I do think that I now have a healthier perspective about sex than I used to. I feel freer to make choices about sex than I used to when things seemed more black and white and right and wrong. I also feel less vulnerable with regard to my propensity to be hurt by infidelity, and more capable of discussing sex openly with others.