It's only a little point on my live, but it changes everything. This particle made me see my own death face to face, and, for the first time on my live, I realized I'm not immortal and I don't have all world's time to live. And this is a very hard thing to know.

           The virus' story confuses itself with my own personal story: so, that's virtually impossible to talk about myself and the people I love without talk about him. The thing that's more interesting is the fact I didn't acquired him in a relation of fate: I know the day and time he entered in my live: and I was crying in this moment. And the man who caused my infection (which the name I have no courage to pronounce) is not HIV positive... Destiny chooses strange ways to express itself.

           My first symptoms were those that are part of the Mononucleosis Like Syndrome or Soroconvertion Syndrome: high fever (39-40ºC), mouth's mucous ulcerations, weight loss (8 kg in 7 days), hepatospenomegaly, generalized linphonodomegaly, angina oralis... for about 10 days. All these symptoms initialized about 10 weeks after the crying day.

           I have read about this syndrome in clinics magazines and I suspect since it began and I saw 13% of atypic lymphocytes in peripheryc blood, but I couldn't believe in it until I saw the positive in my test 5 week after.

           I just couldn't believe in it! The floor disappeared under my feet, my blood runed away from my face and it seemed I was waking on the air. I was in a night shift in my stage in obstetrics, and the first person I met was Vanessa.

           I told her because I had to tell someone that disaster happened to me. I trust her also.

           That terrible night I had a dream.

           I dreamed I was in the reception hall of obstetrics and a woman arrived in a stretcher. She was with a great pain and abdominal distention. First I thought she was another pregnated women in way to delivery, but then I saw she was so old, so skinny, so pale... She couldn't be pregnated. That big abdomen was a great ascitis and, in true, she was with cancer and dying...

           The following days passed in the hope that single positive Elisa test was wrong. So the second one came, and, at last, the indirect immunofluorescence sentenced: I was really with HIV.

           So, the death and me were fusioned in a only one body. The virus entered in my most holy place and stayed resident in there for the rest of my live and became a part of the place. He and me were one at last.

           The time passed and I destroyed all links I had that time, many friendships. Just I could think about was in my own death. I was thinking about HIV 24h at day, 7 days of week.

           That was in that time of unhope and sadness I met El-Jah. I could learn I could love again, live again, and -   c:-O   - be happy again! El-Jah is a very important person in my live until now. He's a wonderful friend and a great lover. He teached all I know about politics, black movement and other popular ones, how to see my own people. And, more important, fell proud of them. :) We won over all fear we felt. And this showed to me I could really love.

           Then Solar appeared in my live, filling me of dreams, poetry and emotions. What magic was meeting him where I could never imagine.

           HIV changed my way to see many things. Religion was the first thing I changed. I understood that Destiny really exists and how it works. I had to forget all I've learned about Death.

           Well, I could say I had NEVER lived so much as after HIV. I wish I didn't need to be with him to discover it.
 

 

This Page Is hosted by Get your free Home Page  Get your free E-mail today!

Click here to download ICQ - the best way to keep track of your friends on the Net, no matter where they might be!