"When Will My Reflection Show Who I Am Inside?"

Some of you have asked "Who is Alyssa?" without getting much of an answer, or if you do get an answer, it's somewhat cryptic; nobody at school seems to know, yet the online information clearly says "Bolsa Grande High School class of '99." There's no mention in the yearbook or any other school documents from the past four years. Some of the information you have seems to coincide pretty well with what you know about another person, but you can't really be sure... or can you?

Well, here's an answer, one which I know now is long overdue; if I had been more honest with myself earlier, all of you probably would've received this letter, or at least the information contained within it, a lot sooner.

The "long answer," as you can probably imagine, is a little bit more involved. One explanation I've given which seemed to work quite well is that Alyssa is someone who only exists online; she's someone I would much rather be in the real world as well. I know at this point many of you are going to tell me that I shouldn't try to be something I'm not, and to just simply "be myself." In the past, it hasn't been easy for me to "be myself" without being teased by others for being a "wimp" or a "sissy" or simply put, "acting like a girl." I suppose this might be part of why as people say, I'm quiet and keep myself hidden from others. Hiding my "true self" I guess. I don't think I've been able to really be myself in a social situation without feeling really awkward about it... (by "social situation," I mean at a party or something rather than in class, at an MUN conference, or other places where it's necessary to have a somewhat "professional" image) The song "Reflection" sums up that aspect of it pretty well, I think. (You can go ahead and skip the lyrics if you want... I have more below it)

Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
but you'll never know me
Ev'ry day
it's as if I play a part
Now I see
if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
but I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

I am now
in a world where I have to
hide my heart
and what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
and be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

There's a heart that must
be free to fly
that burns with a need
to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

I've felt that I've only really had the chance to be myself online, where it doesn't really matter what you look or sound like and people don't really care either. All that's visible is what you have to say, and people don't have preconceived notions based on appearances. Many barriers are broken down online, but there are a few drawbacks as well. For one thing, the pickup lines I sometimes get on ICQ or IRC are a bit on the annoying side; some guys seem to think that just because they live in the same state I do and/or share the same ethnic background that I should talk to them. Fast, global communications comes at a price, it seems, and the world doesn't seem to have a shortage of idiots. As Albert Einstein supposedly said, "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

The Internet is not totally free of misconceptions though; Jerry Springer seems to be what a lot of people think of when a topic like this comes up. Although I've never seen his show myself, I'm told it's pretty bad; I'm guessing that I'm nothing like the people featured on his show. Those people I guess are portrayed as being freaks; I just want to be able to live a "normal" life and not be bothered by it. Another misconception seems to be that people who identify as being transsexual are also homosexual. I don't know how else to say it, but that's just plain wrong. I identify myself with the female gender; being attracted to males wouldn't make me homosexual, but being attracted to females would. Easy enough to understand?

I see this more offline than online, but two terms that are sometimes confused are "transvestite" and "transsexual." Simply put, a transvestite is someone who feels a need to wear clothing appropriate for the opposite sex (your so-called "cross dresser"), whereas transsexuals need to *be* the opposite sex. That is, clothing often isn't as important to the transsexual as it is to the transvestite. Then again, some people would say these terms are antiquated or not "politically correct".... So sue me. On second thought, don't. I lack the funds. =P

A question that comes up at this point I guess is why I decided to join the Navy. The answer to this is going to be somewhat brief, because I'm getting really tired right now and I want to go to sleep. =P First and foremost, it's not some stupid attempt to prove my "masculinity" to the world; I have better things to do with my time. My primary motivation believe it or not is money. The program I signed up for gets me $40,000 towards college, and all the training I'll get in the Navy can count as up to 72 semester hours of college credit. There will be many opportunities for me to get all the credits required for a bachelor's degree too; if all goes well, I'll at least have one after my 5 years in the Navy. The amount of money I'll be paid isn't spectacular (around $1000/mo starting off), but you also have to consider that housing, food, and various other expenses are already taken care of. I hope to be a millionaire through investing by the time I get out too. ;)

If you have any questions, anything you want me to clarify, or if you otherwise want to communicate with me, you can e-mail me within the next 36 hours or so. I leave for boot camp on Tuesday, but I'll be gone Monday afternoon. Oh, and please, by all means, feel free forward this message to Van, Jane, and anybody else I may have missed or may have been unable to reach because they don't have e-mail. But only to people I know, please. =P

P.S. For those of you who are taking/have taken French, the "e" in "Amie" is *not* a typo, if that's not already obvious. ;) Also, do any of you know any Vietnamese female names, and their meanings? As much as I like the name Alyssa, I'd like to have a Vietnamese name as well. =\ I don't want a particularly common name either... there seem to be enough people named "My Le Nguyen" out there ;) (Sorry My Le!)

Copyright © 2000 Alyssa Nguyen. All rights reserved. Revised: 11 July 2000 13:27 -0700.

Copyright © 2000 Alyssa Nguyen. All rights reserved.
Revised: 11 July 2000 13:27 -0700.