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Definitions Coming Out Miscellaneous
If you do not find what you are looking for please visit: All Together
a free web site which provides safe & confidential answers to coming out questions.
What are bisexuals/homosexuals/gays/lesbians?
Homosexuals are people who are attracted to members of the same sex. Bisexuals are attracted to members of both sexes. While you are reading this it may get confusing who is meant by the word "gay". In the gay & lesbian community, lesbian means women who like women only, and gay means both men who like men only as well as, any person who likes members of the same sex. Most of the time in our site, gay means the latter of those; any person who likes members of the same sex.
What does it mean to be transsexual/transgendered?
This is a confusing area in which everyone's definitions differ slightly. Lets start with the most basic and least confusing: sex, gender, & orientation. Sex is determined by the physical equipment that you are born with. Gender is what "sex" that you feel that you are. As such it is defined by each person individually. For most people, their Gender matches their Sex. However, for many people trying to force the two to be the same causes a great deal of stress and emotional damage until they realize that they are what they are. Orientation is simply which sex or sexes that you are attracted to.
Now the words that are more difficult to define well are the "Trans" terms. Transgendered has two meanings. The broader meaning is simply anything that crosses the traditional gender roles for members of each sex. The narrower definition is to live as the opposite sex without undergoing a sex change. To be transsexual is to feel that you are the wrong sex and wish to actually be the other sex. A transvestite is a person who dresses as a member of the opposite sex for sexual pleasure. A crossdresser is a person who dresses as a member of the opposite sex for the look/style/convenience.
If you think that you may be transgendered in the narrower sense and would like to meet other transgendered people, try attending the transgendered support group offered by the MSU Alliance. If you're not ready for that step, pick up a copy of "Tapestry", a transsexual magazine.
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How do I know if I'm gay?
There are a couple of different ways to tell if you are not straight, but to really know, you must first be ready to truly be honest with yourself. For most people, the realization that they are fantasizing, aroused by, or paying close attention to friends of the same sex is when they realize that they are not straight. Many people assume that if they have an attraction to members of the same sex, they are automatically gay or lesbian, but many people truly are bisexual. Don't worry if you don't know right away what orientation you are. So long as you are honest with yourself and accept the feelings that you are having, it will become clearer and easier over time.
How did your friends and family react when you told them you were gay?
Everyone reacts differently. Today it is easier then ever to come out and find acceptance, but it is still tense in the beginning. You will lose some friends, others will be very accepting and become closer friends. It's very different to hate homosexuals when they don't know any, but once a friend/family member is known to be gay, they suddenly have to confront the stereotypes and hatred they have. Families are harder to come out to because they have more invested in you. As such, even if they have a hard time dealing with your revelation, not many families throw their children out. Realize that your family has a great deal of expectations and dreams for you to overcome. The sudden change will take them some time to deal with. Just as it took you time to come to terms with your sexuality, let them have time as well.
There is a general pattern that people follow when someone comes out to them. It starts with Shock. If you tell someone that you are gay and they don't react at first, don't be surprised. Just keep reassuring them, explain more of how that it impacts your life and theirs, and let them know that it's okay to ask questions. (There may be some questions based on stereotypes in the beginning. Don't get all upset at them for asking such things, just explain why that those don't apply.)
The second stage that often happens is Denial. This is where the your-going-through-a-phase stuff comes from. If you feel that they are ignoring the situation, just remember that they have to work through things at their own pace. If they are being confrontational about it be prepared to answer their attacks with a reality check (Dad that's not the way it is… how did you know that you were straight?) Above all remember that you are the most important person in your life. Take care of yourself, find a friend to talk to about this, go to support groups, etc… The situation usually gets better with time, but until it does make use of a support network so that you don't go insane. The third stage is usually an Unsteady Truce. This is the accept-it-to-the-degree-that-they-can't-change-it phase. It may involve little actual discussion of the subject, and some never leave this phase. The final stage is Acceptance. May you be lucky enough to have everyone reach this phase.
We will add a page of coming out stories soon.
What is the best way to come out?
This varies for everyone. The key to any coming out process is that is should be your decision and at your own
pace. Often the process starts with telling a good friend or someone else that you expect will be supportive.
For others it means going to a support group or
calling a Hotline line like ours. It is probably a good idea to start with the supportive people so that you can get
some practice and to build a base of support for those soon-to-come difficult people.
Support groups are good for hearing different coming out stories. We will add a page of coming out stories soon.
Will I lose my job if they find out?
That is depends on where you work. Most companies aren't any worse then families and friends.
It's very different to hate homosexuals when they don't know any, but once a friend/co-worker is
known to be gay, they suddenly have to confront the stereotypes and hatred they have. At some
places, it may be dangerous to come out at, others … It all depends on the climate and type of place
that you work at. Generally the younger and more educated the people you work with, the more
accepting. Realize that as with coming out to your family, it's all a matter of what's right for you.
Even if the local climate is homophobic, check to see if the company or the community that it is located in
such as East Lansing)has a non-discrimination policy/ordinance in effect.
If you are ready, or have decided that it's too difficult leading a "secret" life, then coming out at work can
be a health step for your sanity.
Where can I meet people?
Gays and lesbians are everywhere, but for those just coming out, seeing them is virtually impossible.
There are primarily 2 places to meet people in the community: at the bars and at social/support groups.
The bars tend to be more impersonal and oriented toward picking people up. Normally, we suggest that
people who are not used to the bar environment go to a group first and then go to the bars with friends later.
The area support groups and social groups can be found on our Support Groups
or our Community Resources page. In general, support groups offer a
more personal discussion oriented environment. They tend to be confidential in nature and are a safe place
to start dealing with being gay/bi/lesbian/transgendered. For those interested, we specifically recommend
the Coming Out Support Group held from 7 to 9pm every Monday during the MSU school year
(room 441 in the Union). For middle & high school students (aged 13 to 18), there is a group specifically
designed to meet your needs. It is called PRISM, hosted by Gateway Community Services in
East Lansing. For information on meeting times call 1-800-292-4517.
Will people find out I'm not straight, if I go to bars or group meetings?
For most people coming out, there is the continuous fear of discovery. The support groups are generally
Confidential, and most straights don't know about them. So, even if they see you by the office, they won't
know what you're there for. As for the bars, they are similar to the groups in that most people who see
you there don't want to be outed either. Even those of us who are out to everyone remember what it
was like early on, and wouldn't dare out someone we saw at the groups or the bars. (Do realize that
someone saying "Hello" because they recognize you isn't the same as outing you… unless you loose your head.)
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How do gays and lesbians have Sex?
Unlike the general assumption of the straight world that gay sex is anal sex and that lesbian sex is non-existent,
there are many different things that people of the opposite sex can do together. We recommend that people purchase
a guide such as "The New Joy of Gay Sex" by Dr. Charles Silverstein & Felice Picano(ISBN#0-06-092438-1)or
the "Gay Kama Sutra" by Colin Spencer(ISBN#0-312-16753-9)for gay men; for lesbians try "Good Vibrations: the Complete Guide
to Good Sex" published by Down There Press (ISBN# 0-94-020812-1).
Attention Men! No matter what you decide to try, remember that the key is to Be Safe. For anal sex a condom and water
based lube is a must! Many people ask if a condom is needed for oral sex. It is not clear exactly how
risky oral sex is. What is clear is that the virus is present even in precum. So the question to ask
before deciding not to use that condom is "Are you ready to bet your life on it?" Rimming (oral/anal),
is also risky. To be safe and still have fun, put some lube on a plastic barrier (slit a condom or use a dental dam)
and place the barrier (lube side down) over the anus. If you are using a dildo, be sure to put a condom on it
(change the condom between partners) and wash it with warm soapy water when you are through.
Attention Women! No matter what you decide to try, remember that the key is to Be Safe. Even though the transmission
rate of aids among lesbians is lower then in any other group, it still happens! Use a dental dam when
performing oral sex. If you are using a dildo, be sure to put a condom on it (change the condom between partners)
and wash it with warm soapy water when you are through.
For more information on AIDS and Safe Sex (including proper use and types of toys) contact the Lansing Area Aids Network or visit our AIDS Information page.
Does being Gay mean I'll get Aids?
No being gay does not cause AIDS, any one can get it. In the US there is a higher level of infection in the gay community, but much of that is associated with unsafe sex. For more information of AIDS or Safe Sex visit:AIDS Information.
Can you tell if someone else is gay?
Ah… the age old question. Often you will have some idea if someone is gay during eye contact.
If you notice them watching members of the same sex (or you) then there is a decent chance that
they are gay. After people have been out for a while they tend to develop "Gaydar". That is, the
ability to tell if someone is gay at a glance. As with anything, some people are better then others
and often it works best on members of your same sex.
Do all gays act feminine/lesbians act butch? (Stereotypes)
You will find some people do fit the stereotypes that society has of lesbians & gays. A lot of what
society fears about homosexuals is that we no longer feel overly restrained by gender roles.
However, once you've been out for a bit, you'll realize that we don't fit any one mold. Everyone is
still an individual. Though, the freedom, that accepting yourself brings, will change your personality
some; few people find their personality radically changed.
What about the Bible; doesn't God hate homosexuals?
Many religions have condemned homosexuality, and yes there are passages in the Bible that refer to homosexuality
as immoral behavior. Remember two things when considering interpretation of the bible. First there are
many things that are supported in the Bible that we find repulsive today (women as property, slavery,
intolerance, etc) and many things that are required that we no longer follow (requirements that women stay
indoors while menstruating, not wearing clothes of mixed cloth, etc). Second religion is something
that happens between a person and their God(s).
So if you come to peace with sexuality and God, don't let someone else pressure you out of it. Many religions
have sects that do not condemn homosexuality. For supportive communities please look at our Community Resources page.
Is bisexuality just a phase?
Often when a person is just starting to come out, they are more comfortable taking the small step
of accepting themselves as bisexual before accepting themselves as gay. However many people
later realize they truly are attracted to members of both sexes. Often there is pressure from both the
straight and gay community to "choose" a side, but bisexuality is becoming increasingly accepted.
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