PLANCKLAND

Latest News & Reflections

4-25-09

Alot has transpired in the past three months. I don't really know where to begin. I started the administrative assistant course on Feb. 2nd, though my heart was breaking from losing mom. I'm glad I kept with it now, but it wasn't easy in the beginning. Right after mom died I started having the worst headaches I've ever had in my life. Apparently, I now have a sinus condition. I can't afford to go to the doctor, but I really need to have them drained.

I'm still uncertain about the future. I begin a medical receptionist course on May 14th if I don't find a job before then. The present course ends May 11th, Mom and Dad's 63rd anniversary. I'm surrounded by medical offices where I live and am right across the street from the hospital. I'd love to be able to walk to work. Cross your fingers, toes and knees for me ;)

1-26-09

Mom passed away at 9:20pm on Jan. 22nd. Hospice came in the week prior to ease her way towards the end. She had reached the final stage of AD where one forgets how to swallow and pockets one's food. To prevent aspiration they discontinued all liquids and solid food and took her off all her meds. Hospice gave her morphine and ativan that can be absorbed in the mouth without swallowing. It was hard watching her die, but she was in no pain and went into a deep sleep. I played relaxing music for her on my ipod and said all I needed to say to her. Right before she died she opened her right eye and a tear formed there. She was trying to speak to me, but couldn't. My sister was there too at the end. It was a most sacred moment.

No matter how old one is when one's last parent dies one still feels like an orphan. It's hard to believe that I can't visit mom anymore at the nursing home. I can't bring her across the street to visit with me. That is forever over now. But, one has many precious memories to comfort one amidst despair. I'm just thrilled she isn't trapped in that body anymore. Alzheimer's has to be the worst illness ever. The meds they offer for it just leaves one lingering in the various stages for long periods of time. If I'm ever diagnosed with it I want no meds whatsoever. Just let me speed through the process.

This was a different Hospice that helped Mom than the one that helped Russ. I can't praise the nurses, social workers and chaplins enough. Do support your local Hospice. They are the most wonderful folks you'll ever meet. I don't know how they do what they do day after day.

I've been waking up from this mental fog I've been in since about 2001 recently. Alot of tragic events happened in the latter part of 2001 that had a profound effect on my psyche. I made alot of bad decisions due to the emotional wounds I suffered from watching Russ and Mom slowly get worse with each passing day. I will forever miss Russ and Mom. There is a great sadness now, but I realize I must carry on to fulfill whatever it is I'm meant to do here. A new chapter is beginning in my life. I'm ready to put the sorrow of the past behind me and discover my purpose here. As long as I'm still breathing and able to walk, talk, see, hear and think I assume God isn't done with me yet.

12-31-08

Well, I survived the 2nd anniversary of Russ' death (some folks refer to it as a sadiversary). My sister and brother-in-law came down to visit for a couple of days after Christmas. On the 28th I watched a video of Russ talking to the camera on 12-27-01 while I was on the phone in another room. It was very poignant and moving.

I hope to start a quickjobs course soon on becoming an administrative assistant. I also hope to visit my sister and her family on the 21st of Jan. and then drive up to visit a friend near Philadelphia.

My mother fell during the holidays, but thankfully did not injure herself. It's taking longer for her to be fed now. I'm helping the beautician get her hair done this coming Monday and taking her to the dentist soon.

Looking forward to the 5th season of Lost, the final episodes of Battlestar Galactica, the 7th season of 24, the new show Dollhouse, the rest of the first season of Fringe, the final episodes of Stargate Atlantis, the new season of Medium, the 2nd season of Breaking Bad, and the new Survivor Brazil and Amazing Race. Also Brothers and Sisters, Desperate Housewives, Heroes, Top Chef, Sanctuary and the Graham Norton show on BBC America. Yes, I'm a tv addict these days. I've also been enjoying rewatching the terrific show Six Feet Under (getting far more out of it now as a widower) and a Woody Allen marathon (recently viewed What's New Pussycat?, Bananas, Play It Again Sam, Love and Death, Sleeper, Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex..., Annie Hall, Interiors, Manhattan and Stardust Memories). I highly recommend purchasing the Mamma Mia dvd (happy, fun movie that will get you singing and dancing). The new Star Trek movie should have been released, as originally planned for Christmas; but the studio is now waiting till May so they can earn more money from it. Folks could have used a positive vision of the future over the holidays. We might not be able to afford tickets to it in May.

The first year after Russ' death was a blur. Mostly crying, sleeping, feeling numb. The second year was about dealing with my anger, feelings of abandonment and the reality that I now have to face life alone. Many dear friends of ours (many who comforted me after Russ died) passed away this past year. I also lost friends for various reasons. Being the friend of a widower is not easy. Thankfully, I found an online community of fellow gay and lesbian widows and widowers that has helped tremendously. Regular widow groups are helpful, but gay folk have added challenges in dealing with loss. I think 2009 will be about rediscovering myself again and my mission in life absent Russ.

12-23-08

Well, tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of when Russ last spoke to me and the 10th anniversary of my father's death. It will be difficult. I dread it.

I plan on watching video of me and Russ at this time over the years, as I have for some time now everyday. I also plan on watching the wonderful romantic Christmasy episode of Lost titled "The Constant" from their just released 4th season. It's also the best episode of the series. I will watch my fave Christmas movie tomorrow night, "The Polar Express". Naturally, I will think of Russ' last words to me two years ago tomorrow evening, "come with me". That's what I want to do so badly. I wish I could go to sleep tomorrow night and not wake up. Hope springs eternal.

11-28-08

Nice Thanksgiving with my mom, sister and her husband yesterday. My sister and I took turns feeding mom.

My sister left around 4pm today. I've been watching video of me and Russ from this time over the years. I go to a chat room for gay widows and widowers at 8pm everynight. Sometimes it helps.

11-14-08

Mom had a seizure around 2am Nov. 12th. She's definitely entered a new phase of her AD: can't stand, much less walk; has to be fed now, doesn't speak as much, etc. I was worried that she would start deteriorating fast once she had this seizure, but I got busy asking folks to pray for her and/or send healing energy her way and she recovered far better than expected :)

I'm still waiting to hear from the in-house physician about whether or not she should still be on her AD drug now. In the beginning stages these drugs are beneficial, but as time goes on their effectiveness is often doubted. There's also the ethical question of whether or not these drugs keep one in a latter stage when it might be more merciful to let things advance naturally. Since the AD patient cannot tell us what is going on with them we have little to go on. I know that the day before her birthday when the beautician and I were getting her hair done she held onto me tightly, crying, looked me straight in the eye and said "help me". How would you feel if your mother said this to you in the latter stages of AD?

2007 was about dealing with my denial that Russ had left. 2008 has been about dealing with lots of friends' deaths (many who comforted me after Russ died) and my anger over realizing that I'm now going to have to face life alone now for possibly many many years.

Mom had her seizure on what would have been her late brother's 38th death anniversary. She and Uncle Everett were very close. They were the middle children of four. I always regretted that he died when I was 14 and was just getting to know him. I was happy however that Russ' middle name was Everett. Rare name here in the states.

10-22-08

I had another job interview that went well. I was told by two prospective employers that I'm in competition now with realtors, as they aren't selling homes now and searching for other means of income.

My mother is entering a new phase of her AD. She's crying more now, which naturally distresses me and takes me right back to the days after Russ' stroke in '99. I hope she doesn't have to slowly deteriorate the way he did over many years. She's already been dealing with AD for ten years now.

10-11-08

Well, a friend walked with me all over this area the past two days to distribute my resume. Hopefully, something will materialize for me soon. I had a job interview as an activities director recently. One is never sure how it all went. We'll see. Crossing fingers and toes.

10-01-08

I saw video from two years ago today where Russ tells me he loves me. He had difficulty speaking. This was a little over two months before he died on 12-26-06. I've cried, drank. I want to honor his last words of "come with me".

9-28-08 Part Two

I just finished watching Peter Jackson's 2005 version of "King Kong", one of alltime fave films. I remember attending the premiere here on 12-14-05 and coming home all excited telling Russ about it and how the scenes of 1930's New York reminded me of his youth. I showed it to the male nurse's aide on Christmas Day 2006, a year later, the last day Russ was alive on this earth. The beauty of love and the deep sadness over it's ending through death is so wonderfully portrayed in this film. I miss Russ far more than mere words can convey.

9-28-08

Misty morning here. It's been raining alot lately. Oddly enough I enjoy it, reflects my present mood. Melancholy.

I sent my resume with cover letter to all the doctor offices that surround me in hopes they will hire me to do clerical work. All the career tests indicate I'd be happiest doing that. I've ordered 2007 Microsoft Office to learn Excel and Powerpoint to be up to speed on all the latest software used today.

I tried this home-based affiliate marketing thing where one gets a commission off of internet sales, but it seems too involved to me. The girl who instructs you online has horrible grammar and spelling; that was enough in and of itself for me to abandon it. Judgmental of me, I know. The great Romantic poet, John Keats, couldn't spell worth a damn either, but he's known the world over.

I'm still losing weight. Best thing I've accomplished since Russ left. I've lost 80 lbs since last October!

Applying for endless jobs online is an exercise in continued frustration. I don't get it. Since last September my resume has been online at various job searching sites. Never a nibble. I've been called in for one job interview. One. Yes, I've been trying the various strategies in the updated "What Color Is Your Parachute?" Yes, I go to businesses to fill out applications, but most businesses turn you away and say "that's all done online now. Go to our website." Some online applications require you to take tests on what type of employee you'd be. Some take 30 minutes, some take an hour or more. One fills out these endless forms online, but never hears anything back. Yes, I call the businesses to follow-up. Here's the usual response "We'll let you know if something becomes available." Ads in the paper usually end with "DON'T CALL US, WE'LL CALL YOU". I remember when I had to hire activity assistants I usually hired the ones who DIDN'T constantly call me and aggravate me to death. But, the current thinking is that if you harrass the employer enough they'll finally cave in.

I've been signed with several temp agencies since March and they haven't been able to find me anything either. One of the girls told me "Folks with jobs or living on pensions have no clue what it's like now. This is the highest unemployment rate we've had for years. We see folks come in here everyday who quit their jobs assuming they can get one with us and are shocked to find out we don't have anything."

I may end up going back to school if nothing materializes, but I really need to work now in this economy so I can pay the bills and keep this apartment of ours. The hospital and doctor bills arrived this past week. You can imagine how poor I feel right now. Nursing friends tell me NOT to go into Nursing, but there seems to be a great demand for them now. It would take a little over two years though to accomplish that. Hope springs eternal that God, All That Is, The Universe will shine a clear light upon my destiny. Either I move forward accomplishing what I was sent here to do at this stage in my life or I'll be sent home to be with Russ. I prefer the latter, but since I'm still breathing I'm assuming I'm meant to stay here and accomplish something. Maybe it's simply to visit my mother and continue fulfilling her financial matters for her. These Medicaid, Part D Medicare, guardianship matters are endless headaches. I don't write about them here because it's difficult enough living them every week.

Now to talk about happy things. I love tv and movies. I highly recommend seeing Transsiberian. It stars Ben Kingsley, Woody Harrelson, Emily Mortimer and is a great suspense film aboard a train. Reminds one of the great Hitchcock thrillers. My favorite shows are Lost, 30 Rock, Fringe, Pushing Daisies, Heroes, Project Runway, Survivor Gabon, Stargate Atlantis, Primeval (BBC scifi), Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, Amazing Race, 24, Medium, Battlestar Galactica, South Park, Top Chef and I'm looking forward to the new series Dollhouse that premieres in January. Vintage shows I highly recommend that are no longer on the air are Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me, X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Arrested Development, All In The Family, Maude, Dallas (I'd love to see a comedy made of it with someone in drag playing Sue Ellen), the original Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek Voyager and Star Trek Deep Space Nine. I also loved The Waltons. My mother and I went to Schyler, VA north of here once to see where Earl Hamner (the creator of the series based on his youth) lived-there's a museum there devoted to the show. Other shows I have on dvd I enjoy are 227, Are You Being Served?, Waiting For God (Russ and I loved that one!), Curb Your Enthusiasm, Frasier (great series), Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Twin Peaks, Queer As Folk and The Vicar of Dibley.

9-15-08

On what would have been Russ' dad's 112th birthday on the 10th I had a good visit with my doctor and celebrated Russ Senior's birthday eating carbs, which I wouldn't normally eat. In the early morning hours of the 11th; shortly after midnight of the 10th, I started to stand up from my chair here at the pc and had extreme cramps in both my thighs. I had great trouble walking to the bed. I remember thinking, "wow, it's as if I have polio".

All day on the 11th I simply sat around as the cramps and my walking got worse. Since I don't have health insurance now I put off going to the hospital as long as possible. Finally, around 6am on the 12th, I slowly walked, painfully to the car (to avoid paramedic expenses), and drove myself nearby to the ER. They performed an MRI and bloodwork and determined I was suffering from extreme hypokalemia (low potassium). They kept me for the night and gave me iv's of potassium. It took some time to recover. I was finally able to walk normally yesterday morning. Now, I'm suffering the deep depression of how much all of this is going to cost.......and with the bad news about the stock market today......let's just say I've poured a nice tall glass of vino. :)

My sister came down to be with me the past two days and was great moral support. We had breakfast this morning and visited mom across the street. Since she left I've been watching video of me and Russ at this time over the years. I'm obviously happy I have the ability to see us together during happy times, but, naturally, it's terribly sad as well. Moving forward is more difficult than one could ever possibly imagine. Only widows and widowers who have survived a great love know what I'm talking about. It's the worse emotional pain one can go through. I imagine the loss of a child is just as great.

My sister and I watched parts of the 2nd and 3rd season of Lost while she was down. I absolutely love that show. No other program, to my knowledge, deals with there being a deeper meaning to our life experiences and fascinating connections with folks in our lives. I want to be with Russ more than anything now, but I WOULD like to see the end of Lost in 2010, the year I turn 50. But, naturally, being with Russ again is far more important than seeing the end of a tv show :) I look forward to our reincarnating together in Victorian England as we planned :)

9-06-08
48 was the number of my schoolbus for years when we moved in 1967, when I was seven years of age. 48 is also the age Russ was when he moved to Greensboro from Rockford, Illinois. I honestly can't believe I made it to this age. Amazing. Truly amazing.

Well, I'm still here. I enjoy scotch and seltzer water and vodka and diet ginger ale or vodka and coke zero.

I've been watching video today from 13 years ago when Russ and I were on our last cruise, which was to Alaska. Good times. I'll never be that happy again. Oh, well. C'est la vie. Hopefully, I'll be with Russ again soon.

8-30-08

Three hours and fifteen minutes till I turn 48. I've been drinking blended scotch and seltzer water. I had hoped to die at the age of my two favorite numbers, "4" and "7". Edith Piaf and Judy Garland both died at age 47.....oh, well. Hope springs eternal.

We loved the Balcon de Europa in Nerja, Spain. Our first overseas trip together in late 1988 was to Nerja, Spain. I'd love to jump off the balcony there overlooking the Mediterranean. Anything to be with my beloved again.
8-17-08
Well, I survived the 8th, 13th and 16th. I rolled mom in her wheelchair across the street to the apartment here and we celebrated what would have been Grandma Paschal's 114th birthday. I served her fried chicken legs from KFC that she loves along with corn on the cob, steakfries and iced tea. She kept falling asleep at times. Might be the new anti-seizure and other new med she's on. She still has a beautiful smile and laughs when I sing songs to her. She can't communicate and I'm not sure she really knows who I am anymore. She's had AD ten years now.

I listened to audiotape that Russ and I had recorded during the years prior to his death last night. So very hard to hear. I watched video this morning of our trips on this date years ago. 16 years ago today we were on "the blue island" in the Azores. Beautiful blue hydrangea bushes on both sides of the road that leads up into the mountain mist. 14 years ago today was my first visit to Canada with Russ. We were in Halifax, Nova Scotia. The day prior our cruise ship was docked in Portland, Maine and I mention on the video that it would have been Grandma Paschal's 100th birthday that day.

Russ was the most kind, loving, compassionate, intelligent, witty and interesting person I've ever met. I can't wait to be with him again. We often talked of what our next life would be like. We fancied reincarnating together in England during the Victorian era. We always regretted we didn't meet each other sooner during this incarnation. We want to rectify that in our next life :)

Do check out the wonderful Bryan Fuller (Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies) short-lived show Wonderfalls sometime. It's a hoot with excellent, original, creative writing and performances. Also, rent the mesmerizing German film from 1987, Wings Of Desire. Far superior version to the American remake. Most American remakes of European films lack soul and depth.
7-31-08
My sister came down to help me sort Mom's files and clothing. While she was here Mom's younger sister, Aunt Ollie, passed away. She had Alzheimer's as well and had suffered a stroke some years ago. The funeral was on Tuesday the 29th. I served as a pallbearer. My sister and I listened to a funny audiotape in the car of our mother and Aunt Ollie talking about growing up together in the country. Our Aunt Ollie had a great sense of humor. :)

My sister Joan has just left and I'm back to this empty apartment. sigh. I've made the decision not to go to community college. Long drive each day (gas expenses) and I'm not happy with the program.

I always thought I wouldn't live after age 47. 4 and 7 are my favorite numbers. Judy Garland (American gay icon) and Edith Piaf (French gay icon) both died at age 47. I think it's the perfect age for me to pass on and be with my Russ. I've got feelings about August 8th (8-08-08), 13th (born on a Wednesday, fitting) and 16th (Grandma Paschal's birthday-the one who died on the same day as Russ' mom, four years before we met on 12-11-82). It will have to be a natural death because if one does it oneself I've heard one has to reincarnate immediately and may not be allowed to see one's loved ones. That would be a bitter pill to swallow! We'll see.......
7-11-08
Today would have been Russ' 89th birthday. A year ago today I was at St. Mary the Virgin in New York City for his memorial mass he wanted. He and I kissed behind the sacristy there when we visited in the autumn of 1990.

I've been watching home video I took of Russ on this date over the years. I started watching the first birthday video from 1987 and now I'm going to watch the last one in the year he passed on to the spirit world in 2006. Then I'll watch 1988, then 2005 and hopefully end up in the middle, whenever that will be.

Three friends remembered this day and sent nice emails. Thank you Tomas, Tom D. and Chuck. :) That seemingly small act on your parts will be remembered for many years to come, whether I'm here or in the spirit world, which I hope will be very soon.

Russ, dear heart, wherever you are, know that I love you and miss you very much. I hope to be with you soon my love. Life without you has been as painful as I knew it would be. It's not life at all; it's mere existence. I can't wait to hold you again, kiss you, love you. You're my forever sweetheart.
7-03-08
Moving forward is particularly hard; especially in this economy at present. I've been searching for work for months now and nothing is materializing. I've decided to go back to school next month to begin work on obtaining an associate's degree in Healthcare Management Technologies from the local technical college in Jamestown.

I saw a UFO in the early hours of July 1st. I've always wanted to see one and this one appeared after a very vivid dream I had. I was lying awake thinking about my dream when I heard the sound of something in the air outside. I looked out to see this massive chevron shaped craft floating silently outside the window here on the 12th floor!?!? Most amazing. The eagles and/or hawks continue to visit me at various windows as well. I like to think it's Russ or a messenger sent by him.

I have no strong desire to move forward without Russ at all. I'm basically doing it to have income so that I can keep this apartment of ours and meet the necessities of living.
6-04-08
Well, it's been a very long time since I last updated this; five years to be exact.

Russ and Mom both gradually deteriorated physically and mentally from 2003 on. Russ nearly died in hospital in late 2004 and in early 2005. In late 2005 was when we had to begin the process of deep suctioning him to prevent pneumonia from coming back and to keep him from choking. In 2006 he wasted away more and more. Hospice was a godsend from April until his death in the early morning hours of December 26th, 2006. They also sent a grief counselor to visit me at least once a month for a year.

To say it's been difficult living without Russ is quite the understatement. It's been sheer Hell. Watching him die was extremely hard and yes, I'm happy he's not suffering anymore; but having to see him reduced to mere ashes in a cold, black box is a reality shift like no other. They say losing the love of one's life and/or a child is the hardest emotional pain one will ever face in life and it's most definitely true. One goes to a very primal place quite often where tears flow like the Nile and screams of agony come from some dark pit inside oneself. It's not pretty.

Mom has had several seizures in recent years. The last one she had was in late November of 2007, just a few weeks after her 80th birthday. She fell out of her bed during the seizure and broke her right ankle (broke her left one in Oct of 2001-see below). She was hospitalized for several days and then reassigned from the Alzheimer's Unit of an assisted living facility to a nursing home across the street from where I live. I usually go in the evenings to feed her her supper. I'm not sure she knows who I am now, but she smiles and laughs easily and loves to hear me sing "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" to her where I go through all the barnyard animals. She also loves to play with her stuffed animals. The cylical nature of life is very apparent to me now.....the parent becomes the child and the child the parent.
5-14-03
Russ and Mom are hanging in there. Russ has had some right knee and right toe pain that comes and goes. Mom has had left leg pain-she gets an ultrasound on it soon.

Mom has adjusted well to the new facility she's in. She has a fridge, microwave and an entrance to the main courtyard from her room!

Mom came here to visit us for Mother's Day. We watched a favorite movie of Mom's: "Coal Miner's Daughter", with all the dvd bonus material.

No decisions have been made yet regarding the sale of the family homestead, but something will have to happen soon, as Mom is quickly running out of money. We moved there in 1967, when I was 7. My initials were carved by my Dad into the holly tree. So many happy memories there. This is one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to face.

The guardianship that my sister's insurance company forced me into getting (wouldn't pay Mom's hospital bill or reward her money from the 2001 car accident until I got it) has caused unexpected headaches. The initial inventory is due soon where all assets of Mom's are typed up for the court. At the end of year I have to produce receipts, checks, etc. accounting for every penny of Mom's expenditures. Big responsibility! Doing that along with paying Russ' bills/taxes, etc is another burden I'd rather not have. Oh, well. C'est la vie.

Russ and I both get haircuts tomorrow. I've started therapy to help me face all of this stress of the past four years that has recently started to take a toll on me physically and mentally.

We're remembering that quote, "You're as happy as you make up your mind to be." :)

Russ & Tony's Homepage

Recommended websites:

Dictionary,etc.

World Clock

Dead Or Alive

4-29-03

Russ has two cavities-to be filled in June. :(

Mom moves to another facility on the 9th-looooong story. She's been having pain down her left leg (broke left ankle in 2001)-on celebrex for now, but may need x-rays soon to diagnose the problem.

Russ and I have had a GREAT time going through all his memorabilia going back to the 1930s. So many interesting people he's known. Russ was one popular guy with both the ladies and the men. He still has that killer smile that makes my heart melt and my knees knock. :)

4-26-03

Well, an interesting phenomenon has started at our website. Two people have used our guestbook to make false statements about people they know by impersonating them. We have had to find and delete these entries, which is easy enough to do, but one can't help but feel violated oneself by these folks who have nothing better to do with their time than to use our guestbook as their own personal, vindictive playground. We have done away with the guestbook archive and are following very strict guidelines for future entries, especially now that we may not know if who is writing us is real or not. Unbelievable!

Russ, Mom and I are struggling along-one day at a time. Mom is moving to another facility May 9th-long story.

The three of us had a delightful Easter together. We watched an old favorite on tv, "Pillow Talk" with Rock and Doris-what a great pair they made!

The hardest choice I'm facing now is selling the family homestead. I moved with my family there in 1967, at age 7. The only other choice is leasing it, but that has it's downside. With interest rates low, folks are buying instead of leasing/renting now. The property would still have to be maintained-large front and back yards and two fields. We'll see. Just be praying for all of us now in this great time of change and uncertainty.

3-30-03

Russ was discharged from hospital today. He complained early Saturday morning (12:30am) of chest pain on a scale of 5 out of 10. After two nitro, there was no abatement of pain, so I called the paramedics. They gave Russ several baby asprin and another nitro and his pain left, but they still took him to the ER.

The ER doctor thought Russ might have a "touch" of pneumonia. Tests revealed that he had NOT had a heart attack, so that was a relief naturally. Russ had no fever or breathing difficulty, so I don't know how the pneumonia diagnosis creeped in.

As always, the hospital experience can be nerve-wrecking. One does not get the needed rest, so paramount in healing. Instead, one experiences constant noise from intercoms, IVs beeping, roommates and their nursing staff talking, family members calling to speak to your roommate, etc. We requested a private room, but you know how that goes...........

Russ and I have been resting from it all today. We've pretty much been awake since 12:30am Saturday morning.

Russ sees his cardiologist tomorrow afternoon for a follow-up. I want to review Russ' meds again with him.

We had snow today?!?!?! Snow?!?! Hot as the dickens yesterday and now cold as H-E-double hockeysticks today. We've got Russ' Aunt Edyth's blanket over top of the comforter.

3-08-03

Russ and I had a nice day today. We did a lot of reminiscing and I did a lot of filing.

I'm having more trouble with my back now in transferring Russ. I use the methods the PT taught me, but I'm still having problems. Thank heavens for Ibuprofen!

We need a little positive energy focused on problems surrounding my mother. I'm sure it will all work out in the end, but things are sort of iffy right now.

3-01-03

Yesterday I took Mom to Eden, NC to visit her older sister; my Aunt Lottie, in order to celebrate her 83rd birthday with her. She looked very nice.

This horrible ice storm here left us without power Thursday night and Friday morning. Huge trees and power lines down everywhere. Many traffic lights out. Pretty bad.

2-26-03

Mom and I visited Dad's tomb today to put new flowers in the vase attached to the side of the plaque. Tomorrow would have been his 80th birthday. We went today as the weather seems iffy for tomorrow.

Russ has been started on a new drug to help him walk better. The drug is actualy prescribed for Parkinson's patients, but the PT told us that it can help stroke patients who are starting to have trouble, as Russ has, with inability to straighten legs standing up, shuffling in walking, freezing of legs while walking, etc. Russ can only walk a short distance now and only in the afternoons and it's very, very slow; but it IS walking and that's what matters. Russ' muscles are very stiff now. I'm having to use new maneuvers for transfers on and off the toilet, in and out of bed, in and out of his liftchair, etc.

Anybody have trouble with doctor's offices dictating voice messages wrong or attributing a message left by someone else to you? This has happened to us several times. We thought we'd experienced this phenomenen for the last time until the other day; like an episode from the Twilight Zone when it happens.

We still have an agency CNA staying with Mom from 5:30pm (when the receptionist goes off duty) till 9pm-when she's asleep. Ever since the night she tried to escape we've, naturally, been very concerned. She has good days and bad days. She never remembers having been there before when I bring her back, after taking her out. As many caregivers out there know, you constantly go over the same information as if it's the first time she's heard it before. Ten minutes after seeing her she doesn't remember the visit. Very sad. At least she's just four miles down the road from me now instead of twenty-six.

2-14-03

Russ and I had a terrific Valentine's Day celebration! I served him filet mignon after sipping the wondrous Perrier-Jouet Grand Brut champagne (which I got at half the price!) and then we had some of the cake I had made-orange supreme with butter creme frosting. Mmmmmmmmmmm. :)

Earlier today, I took Mom out to lunch at Po Folks (she didn't remember going there in the past) and for a ride around Greensboro-which she enjoyed. The new girl at night, Josephine, seems nice and said Mom was laughing and enjoying the activities there tonight. :)

2-13-03

Well, Mom was admitted on Monday, the 10th. She's still adjusting. She made it out at 7:20pm the night of the 11th, but happily a lady in a jeep stopped and picked Mom up. Thank heavens for Mom's guardian angel!

The nurses at Alterra all felt that Mom belongs in the assisted living building rather than the Memory Care building and my sister and I agree. The folks in MC are farther/further along than Mom is and she might digress in that environment.

Russ' physical therapy is coming along. Very hard to regain muscle strength in his condition, but hope springs eternal............

I'll try to get out to Mom's tomorrow for Valentine's Day. I have an interview for health insurance at 1:30pm. Cross your fingers and toes that I get accepted this time. Russ and I have a nice bottle of French champagne for tomorrow night: Perrier-Jouet Grand Brut. :)

Hope you enjoy your loved one's company tomorrow night. Love Forever!

2-07-03

Tomorrow, Mom enters a facility here in Greensboro for Alzheimer's care-it's going to be a tough day. She's just spent a few days with my sister and her family in Newport News, VA. We hope it will go smoothly. The name of the place is called Alterra. We've hired a CNA from Maxim Healthcare to be with Mom daily until she gets adjusted. I looked at four different facilities before deciding on this one. Russ and I had actually toured it once before in 2001 after Mom and Joan were in the car accident.

At least Mom will be just four miles away and I can take her out to lunch, have her visit us here, go to the park, etc.

Russ' physical therapy is going very well. He's walking much better with his walker now-still quite weak, but he's made some progress.

2-04-03

All sorts of decisions are in the works at the moment. Nothing is certain, but change.

Mom will be visiting with Joan in Newport News, VA soon.

Tomorrow will be the 16th anniversary of our first meeting with one another here in Greensboro. Russ and I actually celebrate the 9th of February every year because it was our first full day together; just spent talking and getting to know one another.

We recently celebrated our fourth year here at the Hampshire on Jan. 20th. Really hard to believe we've been here this long. The home insurance claims adjustor is coming out tomorrow to take pictures of our Chinese blinds, which have mysteriously become detached from the ceiling!?!? Must have been water damage from the recent ice storms.

Russ begins physical therapy here at home again starting tomorrow and Joan and I go before the judge to finally receive Mom's insurance reward money from the car accident she and Joan were in August 17th, 2001. Finally, the hospital bill will be paid! Amazing that it takes so long.

Busy day tomorrow. Hope we all have a happy and healthy one. Ciao for now.

1-31-03

Going through a dark patch at present. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as we do you.

12-29-02

I've gotten hooked on this movie, "Ghost World" (no, it's not about ghosts in the traditional sense of the word-not a horror flick). I think it's turning out to be one of my all-time favorites. Check it out sometime. We have also enjoyed "Amelie"-the French film that has won so many awards.

Russ and I watched our favorite BBC comedy last night on our local PBS station, "Waiting For God"-if you've never seen it, you should, it's a hoot! Russ and I were laughing like mad. The show is about these residents of a retirement facility in England. The main characters are Diana-a strong, independent, gin drinking, former professional photographer, atheist and her neighbor at the facility, Tom-a good-hearted, compassionate loony who becomes Diana's best friend. Diana has the pessimistic, but hilarious view that all of the old people there, including herself, are doing nothing more than "waiting for God" while her friend, Tom, has a more bright, optimistic view that includes elaborate daydreams, where he can engage in role-playing to pass the time and perhaps not give in to the emotions he's having about being there.

My sister gave me "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer"-first season dvd set. I'm starting to get into it now and understanding why it's such a hit series.

Starting yesterday, I've been reading Russ' memoirs to him again, which we started working on in the mid-90s during a rather lengthy Atlantic crossing on an old ship. He and I are both having much fun reliving his past and learning for me/relearning for him new details to add to the story. He's led such an interesting life full of twists and turns and the meeting of fascinating folks-usually very bright and creative. The past couple of years; off and on, I have been reading old letters, telegrams, cards, etc. from friends, family, work colleagues over his lifetime, and it has been a remarkable journey for us both. I worked on Mom's memoirs during the 90s as well-all video recollections from her. She still has pretty good recollection of long term memories. We laughed over some good ones she had yesterday-the one where she was chased by a goat was particularly amusing, though I'm sure it wasn't at the time.

12-28-02

We're hanging in there. I was sick with a stomach virus over the holidays, but feeling much better now. Russ had a good report from his endocrinologist recently. He sees the cardiologist on Monday. I have the hearing for guardianship of Mom on Tuesday.

Looking forward to a happy and healthy 2003 for us all! Russ and I are looking forward to our 16th anniversary in February. Wishing you all a day full of happy surprises. :)

11-05-02

Mom's party turned out very well on Sunday. So many familiar faces! Mom was absolutely stunning! Her neighbor did a terrrific job getting her hair, makeup, jewelry, and dress just right. We couldn't have asked for things to go more smoothly. Mom had a terrific time.

Mom is coming here tomorrow to celebrate her actual birthday with me and Russ. We'll watch the video from the party in the evening. She'll spend the night here and then I'll take her to her doctor's appt. in Burlington the next afternoon.

10-13-02

I watched one of my favorite movies yesterday (in my top 5 of all time): The Sheltering Sky (directed by Bernardo Bertolucci-one of my favorite directors). Always puts me in a reflective mood. Highly recommend it.

We're spending tonight at the O. Henry Hotel because of construction going on in our storage room early tomorrow morning, which can be very loud. Be a nice mini-vacation for us. We'll return tomorrow afternoon.

Responses to Mom's invitation have been trickling in-have heard from about 6 of the 42 sent out. We need to know how much food to cater for the party.

10-09-02

We highly recommend andyoncall.com for any handyman repairs needed 'round the house. One of them came today and accomplished so much in just a few hours!

I've been getting invitations ready for Mom's 75th birthday party at her home on Nov. 3rd. Her actual birthday is on the 6th, but, obviously, better to get folks in on a weekend. My sister Joan and I are getting excited about it. One of the caregivers will be catering the affair. Twill be a "floating party" where one comes and goes as he or she pleases.

Ella is going to help me more hours now. The demands of caring for Russ are increasing and my responsibilities for both Russ and Mom financially as well as personal caregiving are growing as well. Mom will have to be adjudicated incompetent in order to receive monies from the insurance company for her injuries sustained last year in the car wreck. By becoming her guardian I'll also have access to information re: her medical care. We don't have a Health Care Power of Attorney for her and with her AD she's not allowed to make that decision now obviously, so guardianship becomes the next step unfortunately.

Mom has had a touch of pneumonia and was treated in hospital last night. She's on antibiotics. She goes Friday for a full physical and will receive her pneumonia and flu injections then as well as the usual pro-times, lanoxin levels, lipid profiles, etc.

Russ has been recording stories he makes up into the tape recorder. Great fun! I've enjoyed his bedtime stories for years now so this will be a real treat to have on tape. He can be terribly creative, as you who know him are well aware. :)

9-25-02

Well, I'm on Lipitor now to lower my cholesterol. My doctor told me that the lipid profile results from Monday showed that my total cholesterol was 273 and my triglycerides were 436. TC should be between 100-199 and triglycerides should be between 0-149. My Prevacid was renewed for my acid reflux. I take that every other day to make it last longer as it is very expensive, like the Lipitor. For the third time I was turned down for health insurance due to my various diagnoses: acid reflux, mitral valve prolapse, hx. of cancer, high cholesterol, etc. Tsk-tsk-tsk.

On a more positive note, I had a great lunch with Mom in Graham at Rich's Cafeteria. She couldn't remember going there in the past, but we've been there many times, even with Russ. She looks good. Her short term memory is getting pretty bad though. Five minutes after having lunch with her she had forgotten we had gone there. When my sister visited last weekend she told everyone she hadn't seen my sister for two years........

I had a bit of a cold Tuesday morning so we didn't go out that day for lunch, but we hope to tomorrow if we don't get remnants of Hurricane Isidore. Stay dry and cool guys and gals. Take good care.

9-23-02

My sister passed her finals and has now officially earned her Masters in Library Science! Hurrah! Hurrah! Brava Joan! Brava!

Russ and I have been enjoying this Pet Psychic program on the Animal Planet channel-absolutely delightful! Tonight they had Tony the Llama on-he wants to be an actor and insisted on having a hat. Sonja Fitzpatrick, the host, tied her scarf around his neck and he lifted his head up proudly as if to say "Look at me! Don't I look terrific!?". He was most displeased when his master took off the scarf, so back it went on to Tony's great delight.

We're going out to lunch tomorrow for a day-late autumnal equinox celebration. We wish you all merry hearts and peaceful thoughts.

9-11-02

We're hanging in there. One day, hour, minute, second at a time.

8-04-02

Rough night last night. Neither of us slept much. We slept late this morning. I woke up lying on my left side with my right hand, forearm and leg from the knee down feeling very heavy and numb-felt like I was having a TIA. My BP was high. Probably combination of this new diet (lost 8 lbs. since the 1st!), lack of sleep and stress/worry (about Russ, Mom, our still unrepaired bathroom ceiling, etc. etc). The diet pill I started taking on the first could have caused my symptoms. i read the label today and it says it contains Ma Huang extract-which is another name for ephedra-which has caused so many side effects in people.

We started getting the local paper again this past week, but Saturday's was not delivered. I had called yesterday morning and left an automated message about the non-delivery. Instead of delivering yesterday's, they delivered two of today's. While I was having my numbness episode, the doorbell rang with the second paper (had read the first one at 6am this morning).

During my restlessness and post nasal drip episode last night I got up to watch a bit of tv and tuned into this absolutely horrible movie on HBO-"The Dentist". I recommend avoiding this one, though Corbin Bernsen (the star) is easy on the eye. ;)

Russ is feeling a bit weak this morning and I'm still recovering from my episode. I think I'll read jokes online to both of us and maybe have us watch a funny movie this afternoon to make us healthy again. A happy heart is always the best medicine. :)

Take good care.

8-01-02

Russ and I had a nice lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant yesterday. We each ordered our favorite dishes, chicken marsala for Russ and eggplant parmigiana pour moi.

We had nice visits with Mom and my sister over the weekend.

I've started the Greenwich Diet (high protein/low carbs) today and drinking lots of water. So far, so good. I'll let you know how it goes.

7-26-02

Russ and I decided night before last to cancel the orthopaedist appointment, since he has had no pain or discomfort from the bone spurs in his neck, which were discovered during an MRI. If they begin to bother him, we may go to a chiropractor, who has been very helpful to us both in the past.

Russ goes to the podiatrist soon. Such a nice guy. He has offices both here and in Burlington where my Mom lives-she sees him as well.

My sister comes down today and will be visiting with Mom till Wednesday morning. Looking forward to seeing her again-haven't seen her since early February.

Russ and I have been talking about the possibility of spending time at the beach this autumn if we can arrange for part-time help there in advance. Be nice to rent something facing the ocean in a nice, quiet, non-touristy spot. The problem is finding a handicapped setup. We could always go back to the Sheraton we enjoyed in Atlantic Beach, NC Xmas '99.

7-19-02

Met with a lawyer Wednesday to see if there is anyway to avoid losing Mom's home when she has to apply for Medicaid. Told I have to call Medicaid to clarify things, but they are impossible to get ahold of by phone. sigh.

My sister takes her test for her Masters in Library Science today and tomorrow. Cross your fingers and toes that she does well. She already has a promotion set to take effect the first of August. Takes six weeks to get results of the test.

7-12-02

Russ had a terrific birthday yesterday! Our widowed female friend took us both out for lunch and then we came back here for sugar free tin roof sundae pie! I read all of Russ' birthday cards to him (both snail mail and online) and then his dozen white roses I sent him arrived! Lovely! I took many pictures and video. Our guest left and then Russ took a nap. Later, he and I had a delightful candlelight dinner at the dining room table with Edith Piaf in the background-simply magical! Russ had one of his favorite dishes, chicken marsala which I obtained from a local Italian restaurant made by "real Italians"(their hometown in Italy). We were both pooped after dinner and went straight to bed and to sleep.

I hope to get to mother's today for lunch and to take care of errands for her, while Ella is here looking after Russ for me. Very cloudy here hinting it might rain-we most certainly need it!

7-10-02

Ever have days when it seems like everyone is misunderstanding you? Well, today was one of those days. I think of all the experiences in life, being misunderstood is the one that is the most frustrating. We all have our own unique perspective of the world and sometimes it just doesn't mesh with others, no matter how hard we try to attempt communication.sigh.Thankfully, Russ *always* understands me and is there with a loving embrace and a kiss to make all right with the world again.

Russ received several birthday cards today, which naturally brought a smile to his heart and face. He's such a sweetheart. We got our haircuts yesterday and went out to lunch afterwards.

A friend is taking Russ and myself out to lunch tomorrow for Russ' 83rd birthday. We will all come back here for sugar free tin roof sundae ice cream pie. :)

Russ has never been much of a sci-fi nut like me, but I've been enjoying the release of the Star Trek-The Next Generation dvd sets-they really are a thrill and well worth the investment IMHO. The third season is particulary good because the writing really took off and soared. I've always been inspired by imagining a future where there are no borders, just earth citizens working in harmony;exploring the universe, both inner and outer. Naturally, Star Trek wouldn't be interesting if all was peace and light 24-7, so we have to have a good villain or two pop up for dramatic tension and the Borg is a chilling one.

Russ and I spend a lot of time just talking these days-reminiscing-those great, deep soul-searching talks we have always had, with our own special sense of humor.

7-05-02

Yesterday afternoon a bad thunderstorm hit and left us without air conditioning, power in the kitchen, and no cable or internet service. Late this afternoon-all had been restored and thankfully, the A/C was restored this morning before the heat index hit 105! The actual temperature was 101!

We've enjoyed two films recently, "Gosford Park" and "The Shipping News" (both out on vhs and dvd). Russ prefers the book to the film of TSN-I think most do. Always enjoy Altman's films. How he juggles such terrific cast members with only the hint of a script is truly amazing. He allows actors the freedom to create their own dialogue and even steer the story. His best scenes involve happy accidents where an actor improvises and takes the story in a new direction. GP deserves repeated viewings-always pick up something new.

7-02-02

Russ had a good visit with the cardiologist yesterday and received a good report on his ticker. We enjoy visiting this guy so much because he takes the time to really listen to us.

The master bathroom ceiling is still leaking. I empty the pot on top of the toilet tank every morning and evening. sigh. The plumber was to start repairs on it today-perhaps the parts haven't come in yet.

I had a very scary acid reflux episode at around 2:15am this morning. I had not adjusted my bed at the proper elevation before retiring last night and woke up choking! I have had this happen several times in the past and it never gets easier to deal with. Asphyxiation-the word alone is frightening. One wakes up unable to breathe with a very tight, vice-like restriction in one's throat. When you realize that you can't speak it just increases one's fear. Being in a deep sleep when it happens, means that your body starts responding before your mind has awakened. My body lunged forward to an upright position and tried to get up. I fell into the nightstand beside the bed. I have a few scrapes and a bandaged right toe this morning. I called 911 because at the time of awakening I could neither breathe nor speak. By the time someone answered I was starting to get some air from the window I quickly opened by the bed. The guy on the other end realized what was happening and calmy talked me through the process-always helpful to hear a reassuring voice when one is choking to death, and I mean this sincerely-he was a godsend! Takes awhile for one's throat to completely return to normal. Thankfully, I did not vomit-what came up and choked me went back down. Russ has seen these episodes before and knew to remain calm, but, obviously one can't help but worry while it's taking place. We have a system down that if I cannot speak when it happens I will dial for help and he knows what to tell the person about my condition. Very tired today, but happy to be breathing normally. :)

I have a history of sleep apnea (tested positive for it back in the late 80s after a test at the local hospital), so this may contribute to the problem as well. I may have to take my Prevacid everyday for awhile-I usually take it every other day because it's so expensive. I don't have health insurance.

I have to go take care of financial matters for mother tomorrow and run some other errands while Ella is here. We hope to have a nice celebration on the 4th here at home. We can watch the downtown fireworks from our living room window, so that will be a treat. We always like to watch the Boston Pops concert on tv every year. We hope you all enjoy yourselves with friends, family and/or loved ones this holiday. Take good care and be safe.

6-30-02

Russ received a good report from the endocrinologist on Friday. His A1C was 7.6%, which is considered good control of one's diabetic condition. The endo started Russ on a new basal insulin; Lantus, which doesn't have the peak effect that Lente and Ultra Lente have.

After the endo appointment, Russ and I had a delicious lunch at Revival Grill. Russ had the beef tenderloin medium rare with mashed potatoes, grilled onions and red cabbage, and I had a portabello mushroom/eggplant parmesan/smoked mozarella sandwich on foccacia bread. Mmmmmmmm.

Our master bathroom ceiling is still leaking-we keep a pot on top of the toilet tank to catch the water. The plumber said pipes above need replacing. The parts should be in by now and we expect the repairs to take place this coming week.

6-26-02

Sunday afternoon, water started dripping from the master bathroom ceiling (in the same place it did two years ago). At first, management thought it was a toilet valve problem in the penthouse above, as they explained it was last time. Now we've been told that it's not that and they aren't sure what it is......they may have to go into our ceiling and find out. In the meantime, there was leakage in the lobby area last night..........sigh.

Russ and I have considered moving since we've experienced so many water problems here in the past three years. We've avoided thinking about it because of his health. We're not sure what to do now. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as we do you. Every cloud has a silver lining. Time to play Pollyanna's Glad Game. :)

6-23-02

As I look out the window of our 12th floor perch; I see we have fat, white puffy clouds overhead-hope some of them are full of rain as we need it here desperately. Our city is on water restrictions. One can be fined for washing his/her car or watering his/her lawn, etc.-up to a $1000!!

We had a nice outing with our friend last Monday. Russ and I hope to go out to lunch this coming Friday after his endocrinologist appointment. On July 1st he sees the cardiologist. On July 16th we both see the dentist. Russ has to have a new crown and I have to have a cavity filled. :(

Mom is becoming more repetitive. The girls take good care of her and get her out often. My sister will be coming down on Russ' 83rd birthday July 11th. She's been busy studying for her big test in D.C. for her Masters July 19th and 20th.

Hope you all are well and happy, enjoying the company of friends and family. Take good care.

6-15-02

Russ is scheduled to see the orthopaedist July 26th. We will receive a second opinion at that time regarding whether Russ needs the bone scan or not. The bone spurs found in the neck during one of the MRIs have not caused Russ pain and are considered a normal part of aging, but the neurologist wanted to give Russ a full body bone scan (dye injection, 3 hour wait and then one hour scan-all very exhausting and trying for Russ) because they were "irregularly shaped".

Russ' walking is not as good as it was last weekend. He's not able to transfer to the bedside commode at night now and uses a urinal instead. He's resisted using the urinal at night for some time now because he prefers the commode, but his inability to use his stiff lower legs to transfer from bed to the commode has changed his thinking. Helping Russ transfer now has caused problems for my lower back. We try different methods to see what works for both of us. Naturally, if he's able to walk- that's the preferred method, but sometimes he's simply not able to do that.

A friend of ours; who is back with his wife from England for the Queen's Jubilee, will be going out to lunch with us Monday. We look forward to that.

Take good care.

6-11-02

Russ has had a terrific weekend! He's walking better and farther (or is it further?) than before! We went out to lunch yesterday at Positano's. Russ had the swordfish with asparagus and I had my tried and true eggplant parmigiana. We hope to get out for haircuts tomorrow.

I've been exercising on our newly acquired Total Gym. I'm in the starter program for now.

98 degrees today!?!?! Is this June???? Geez!

I'm going through another polenta phase. I absolutely love it with various spaghetti sauces. I'm also back into veggie crumble burritos with duck sauce, chopped tomatoes, onions and green chiles. Lordy-lordy. If only our metabolisms could keep up with our appetites! Very rarely have I ever seen Russ have a poor appetite. His bg readings have been very good recently, so he's gotten a few more fresh blueberries on his morning oatmeal. ;)

6-06-02

Russ and I decided to cancel the neurologist visit for yesterday; since no diagnosis has come about yet, after 3 MRIs re: Russ' decreasing mobility due to stiffness in the lower legs. Instead, we are having the MRI of Russ' bone spurs analyzed by an orthopaedist. We await consultation with him. He was highly recommended by a friend.

Since local internists are not accepting new Medicare patients, Russ and I are using the Urgent Medical Care physicians as our general practitioners. They have all our medical records now.

While Ella was here with Russ on Wednesday, I took Mom to lunch and rode with her to the house we rented back in the early 60s. She speaks often of "going home" to this house (since the accident) and I thought seeing that it was no longer there might help. Before we arrived, she clearly remembered the house being sold and moved years ago; but, later spoke of needing to "get home" after arriving home. Some have speculated that "going home" means returning to the person one was before the AD came on. Makes sense.

Russ and I are getting a system down pat for bed/chair to wheelchair transfers. He still walks with the walker as much as he can before his legs give way and he has to sit down in the wheelchair. The wheelchair to shower chair transfer is a little tricky, but we learn something every time about what works well and what doesn't. At night, the potty chair to bed transfer can be troublesome for him due to his stiff legs. We get our best, solid sleep in the early morning hours after both our bladders decide to settle down for the night. ;)

As some wise person once said, "Never look back unless you can laugh. Never look forward unless you can dream." Russ and I drink in the wonder of each, blessed moment; realizing how precious it is. Be Here Now. :)

6-03-02

Everything is going well at Mom's. The son of one of the health care workers has gotten a group of men together to "bush-hog" (plow) Mom's two big fields. We had hoped to sow sunflower seeds or clover there (as Dad did in later years), but; alas, there is none of either available in stores that carry such.

Russ goes Thursday to his new neurologist (his moved to South Carolina), who happens to be Mom's neurologist. I had wanted him from the beginning, but scheduling staff said it would be a long wait; and so we reluctantly agreed to see someone else, who is the one who sent Russ for those three MRIs, which revealed nothing to diagnose his stiff legs and decreasing mobility. We will get this new doctor's take on whether Russ really needs a bone scan (quite an involved procedure for someone Russ' age and in his condition) for the "irregularly shaped bone spurs in his neck". Russ has not complained of any neck problem. Bone spurs are considered a normal part of the aging process.

Got a lot of storage items moved to a larger unit a few miles from here. Certainly frees up more space at home! :)

We had lots of snuggle and cuddle time this past weekend. Russ is back to telling me bedtime stories he makes up. I've told him to turn on the tape recorder when he starts telling me one, but we both often forget to do so. :(

We have a friend, and his wife, attending the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations in London right now. They return this Thursday. Received a lovely postcard from Bath from them this past Saturday. We know they're having a thrilling time!

Happy dreams and peaceful sailing through life for you all.

6-01-02

Memorial Day weekend was an interesting and challenging one. I had a delighful lunch with Mom on May 24th. Mom had mixed feelings about one of her health care workers, so there was much thought and effort put into resolving that. With AD, as one knows, the short-term memory is not reliable, so it makes judging things difficult.

Ella is working out very well in helping me with Russ while I run errands as well as just giving me a break from 24-7 caregiving. She's here for 3 or 4 hours M-W-F. For the time-being, I think I can handle caring for Russ most of the time. He has to be physically transferred now and that has caused me some back problems. His legs are like concrete-almost completely immovable. After three MRIs the answer we got for what is causing the extreme stiffness is "we don't know". sigh.

As always, Russ is such a doll to care for. He always thanks me from sun-up to sundown for everything I do-an absolute angel. Obviously, he's very frustrated about his increased limitations now. But, we laugh as often as possible, finding the humor in everyday events. One day at a time.

5-24-02

Yesterday, was the third anniversary of Russ' stroke. We chose not to talk about it much, though the events of that day played over and over in my mind; that date on the calendar will always trigger the memories unfortunately.

We had a nice, quiet day yesterday. Russ wasn't up to going out to lunch, as we had planned; but, we enjoyed simply talking, reminiscing and holding one another. :)

I read several pages to him from a biography I had started writing about him back in the mid-90s. He enjoyed hearing me read the names of old school friends and of many events from his child and young adulthood.

While Ella is here this afternoon to look after Russ and do some domestic chores, I plan on driving to Mom's to take one of the health care workers the keys to the house (another one of Mom's helpers took off with the keys to Connecticut yesterday.....) and, of course, see my dear mother. We have some financial matters to deal with as well. I'll run some errands on the way home to Greensboro.

5-20-02

Russ' thoracic MRI revealed nothing. So, we still don't know what is causing his stiff legs from the knee down.

Russ' walking has not been as good today as it was this weekend. Hope springs eternal............

5-19-02

Good News! Russ' walking is better! He walked more yesterday than he has in a long time! If you guys out there are praying or sending healing energy-it's working! :)

Russ went through with the thoracic MRI on Thursday. Haven't heard the results from the neurologist yet. The machine broke down and delayed things. Also, Russ had to be repositioned because something he was lying on was interferring with taking images. At least he wasn't overmedicated this time with the premedication. He was still very tired afterwards.

The lady we've hired M-W-F for three hours in the afternoons is working out well. Allows me to run errands and get a rest. We've hired a retired male nurse who knows how to test and inject for diabetes as well. He will be here on Tues. & Thurs. afternoons for a few hours. His sister-in-law (who works with mother every other weekend and has given me and Russ haircuts) recommended him. We've interviewed him and he seems very nice. He's just finished Bible School and wants to become a minister, but he's assured me that he's not bothered by our being a gay couple. Whoever we hire to help us we want to be able to be ourselves around them.

5-14-02

Russ was too tired for the masseur. We'll reschedule that another day. Russ' walking is getting very bad very fast. He has to be rolled in his wheelchair around the apartment on a constant basis now. His legs are so incredibly stiff and his balance is so very bad that the walker just can't keep him from falling now. I stand close behind him, as I have for some time now; getting him safely to the bathroom, bedroom, etc. Hopefully, Thursday's MRI may finally reveal the reason for this increasingly debilitating condition. The other two MRIs did not answer the question; so hopefully, this one will.

We have a lady coming tomorrow to help out. She took care of a lesbian couple (who liked to dress like men) in Manhattan and worked at St. Luke's Hospital there. She saw Sarah Vaughan perform with Count Basie when she was an unknown!!!! She and Russ will love listening to Ella Fitgerald, Vaughan, Pearl Bailey, Lena Horne, Louis Armstrong-all those jazz greats! Cross your fingers and toes that it will work out.

5-09-02

We have a masseur coming tomorrow afternoon to massage Russ'legs, to see if that will help his circulation so he can walk better. We also have a lady in her 70s coming tomorrow morning to help me with ironing and general domestic chores for a couple of hours. She happens to have known my mother when she was a teenager, and it helps that she shares the first name of Russ' Mom, Lillie.

Russ has decided to go ahead with the thoracic MRI next Thursday.

Russ and I went out to lunch today and did a few errands. He wasn't at his best today, but he was happy to have been able to get out a little bit. We hope to get to Mom's for Mother's Day Sunday if the weather is good.

5-07-02

Five years ago today that Russ and I set off driving 'cross country to San Diego for the summer in 1997. Russ would drive in the mornings and I would drive after lunch. We never drove over 4-5 hours a day. I think it took us nine days. The first night we spent in Knoxville, TN; 2nd night, just over the Mississippi River in Arkansas; 3rd night, just over the border into Oklahoma; 4th night, Elk City, OK; 5th night, Santa Fe, NM; 6th night Albuquerque, NM due to car problems with out little Daihatsu; 7th night, middle of Arizona near the Painted Desert; 8th night, Havaisu (sp?) City, AZ where we saw the original London Bridge, which had been relocated there; and finally the 9th night was spent in loverly San Diego, where we lived for two beautfiul years.........sigh........(gonna break out into "The Way We Were" here in a minute)

Russ' blood sugars have been erratic the past few days. His walking has not been as good either-very tiring for him; as it takes quite awhile to get to the bathroom,etc.

Russ decided to forego the thoracic MRI and bone scan. The second MRI of his neck had revealed bone spurs there; which can be a normal sign of aging, but the neurologist wanted a bone scan to make certain. Russ' neck has not bothered him and he does not complain of pain in his legs. His legs are very stiff and sometimes immovable; appears to be from the knee down. He may change his mind later and submit to the tests. After that last MRI, I can easily understand why he'd say "Enough is enough!". The pre-med for that stayed in his system for 48 hours afterward, making him very dopey and unable to walk. I had to physically lift him onto the bedside potty chair and change bed linen often due to the diuretic in effect. I think his high blood sugars kept him going last night.

He was supposed to go get his crown today and I was to get a cavity taken care of, but we had to cancel. The energy required by Russ just to get bathed and dressed now is, for him, like climbing Mount Everest. One day at a time-that's all we can do.

4-23-02

Well, both MRIs did not reveal anything new that may explain Russ' walking difficulty. The neurologist has two more tests planned-another MRI, of a thoracic (sp?) nature and a nuclear medicine test of some kind. The sedatives given Russ prior to this last MRI really knocked him out-he's still dopey from it. The pharmacist said it may take 24-36 hours for him to get over the dosage given him. The dosage is to be lowered the next time around obviously.

There is a five foot long black snake coming through a hole underneath the kitchen sink at Mom's house. Animal Control have told the health care workers to put pizza containers with adhesive on them out in various places to catch the snakes. We've also been told to put out pie plates full of moth balls because they burn the snake's skin and stay away as a result.

Hopefully, the new pipes in our tier will be completely installed soon so all the stuff in the living room can go back in the Storage room.

4-20-02

Beautiful day today, mid 70s-feels like San Diego; speaking of which, it was three years ago today that Russ and I flew back here from San Diego for what was to be the last time. We had tickets to fly back to SD in June, after Russ' 80th birthday party here, but, alas, the stroke happened, and here we are. We were to have an 80th birthday celebration in San Diego on the actual birthdate, July 11th; had reserved the recreation room at the condo before we left for Greensboro on 4-20-99. Everything happens for a reason. As Doris Day would sing, "Que Sera Sera", but we have many happy memories of SD we will always cherish. :)

Russ has to have a new crown and I have to have a cavity filled. We'll get that done next month.

Mom is coming to visit this afternoon with her home health care workers. Looking forward to that!

I have been taking time-released human growth hormone capsules every night and, so far, they seem to be working! My skin problems on my forearms and legs have completely cleared up and I'm having the best sleep of my life! I recall dreams easily-and very vivid ones as well-haven't done this since I was a teenager! I'll let you know how they work with weight loss-that takes a little longer to see, I've been told. Since they're time-released, there's more absorption by the body. Usually, one has to have expensive injections of HGH to see desired results. I told Russ that if this works for me I'll start having him take them-maybe we can become 16 again-wouldn't that be a treat! ;)

Russ and I often talk about what we would do if we were teenagers again. I tell him I'd be over at his house every night not only to make out, but to have him help me with my classwork, as smart as he is. He says he'd carry my books home from school. We also talk of what lives we'd like together in our next life. We want to grow up together and live near one another. Russ fancies living in 19th century England as part of a well-to-do family. We could lie in each other's arm reading our favorite novels. :)

Russ says he's reserved a cloud for ourselves in Heaven, so when you guys get up there with us, do drop by and say hello. ;)

4-17-02

The high today is 90 degrees-can you believe it???!!! In April??? Here???

We're slapdab (southernism) in the middle of winter/summer clothing sorting, which means bags and suitcases full of clothes everywhere. The living room is still full of boxes and items from the Storage room, as it is going to take the workers another three weeks to finish the new pipe installation in our tier. Not to mention that the new four-drawer filing cabinet arrived yesterday for the den/study. I've gotten the filing cabinet set up with the rods for hanging files, but now to reorganize all the files. Being POA for Mom has meant using attache cases for her documents; so at least now I'll have a proper place to start storing her important papers.

Trying to keep this place organized these days is like trying to stretch a gnat's back 'cross a bushel basket! (another southernism) Thank Buddha for paid Storage! :)

Joan, my sister, comes down this weekend-haven't seen her since early February. She's finished her classes now for her Masters in Library Science. Just got to take that final test in July and she'll have her degree. We're proud of you Joan. I smell a gift of a dvd box set of the next season of X-Files.............;)

Stay cool everyone and, as always, take good care.

4-13-02

Russ' first MRI of his head on the 10th revealed no new problems in that area since the stroke of May 23rd, 1999. He will receive a second MRI of his neck on the 22nd to determine what may be causing his increasing walking/balance difficulties-even with the walker. Russ will be given a mild sedative before the next MRI as it is a longer one and requires zero movement or talking for an hour. Send positive vibes our way that day.

When going to and from England, Russ and I always enjoyed a vodka and bitter lemon. Bitter lemon is not made in the U.S. and must be imported from the UK. When Russ and I lived in San Diego we found a store that sold imported British products, and happily, they carried bitter lemon. Very hard to find now even online, but yesterday we *did* find some at www.expatshopping.com

Strange thing happened though after we made the online purchase. We received a call (locally odd enough) from the Fraud Dept. of the credit card we used online??? Since the card we used was in Russ' name, the lady needed to speak to Russ to authorize the charge. He was in the process of walking with his walker to the bed at the time. When he finally made it to a sitting position I gave him the phone and he confirmed the purchase. This is the first time this has happened to us. Has anyone else out there experienced this? Wonder what made them suspicious? Maybe because it was an overseas store online? Who knows...........

4-06-02

Russ' cardiologist visit went well on the 2nd. He doesn't want to see Russ again till July.

The new pipes in the Storage room are almost completed now. Fun watching them come up from the floors below into these three holes in the floor.

We've enjoyed meeting other monogamous gay couples from around the world online. Thank you all for your encouragement and support. Means the world to us. Take good care.

4-01-02

Russ' two MRI's are scheduled for the afternoon of April 10th. He will have one of his brain and one of his spinal column to try and diagnose what is causing his extremely stiff legs. His walking is much more difficult now. I have to stand very close to him to keep him from falling, as his legs are very slow in moving in comparison to his upper body.

We are going to Battleground Inn the next two nights while the installation of the new pipes in the Storage rooms of all 07 units is being completed.

Mom's agitation in the middle of the afternoon (around 3pm) and in the early morning hours (4am) continues. She may need some mild medication at these times, as she wants to pack her bags and return to a home we rented many years ago or to her late mother's house. She believes, at times, that her mother is still living and that she must go to her. The girls are so good to her and so patient and understanding.

Hope you all had a happy Easter. We stayed in (very foggy here with some rain) and had a quiet day. Take good care.

3-27-02

Russ saw the neurologist today about his walking difficulty. He will receive an MRI soon to try and diagnose the problem. His legs are very stiff. We hope something can be done. Obviously, the less non-invasive the better. We'll keep you posted.

We will be staying at a hotel (Battleground Inn) in town the nights of April 1st and 2nd, while new pipes are being installed in all the units in our tier-there will be lots of noisy drilling starting at 9am on the 2nd. Hopefully, they will be done by the time we return the afternoon of the 3rd. This hotel is just next door to Russ' cardiologist, who he sees the afternoon of the 2nd.

I've been sweating quite profusely during the middle of the night. The temperature in the bedroom is 70ish. Not sure what it is. I have to get my annual TSH (thyroid hormone) levels checked soon-perhaps my synthroid needs adjusting. The Ketoconazole 2% cream has completely eradicated my seborrheic dermatitis. I go to the dermatologist next month to renew my prescription and to find out what the dickens these red bumps on my forearms are-my Dad had the same thing.

3-24-02

Mom came to visit us on the first day of Spring on Wednesday after her orthopedist appointment. He wants to continue seeing her, as the screw in her ankle may present problems for her later on. We had a delightful visit, as usual.

We've been watching the terrific HBO series, "From The Earth To The Moon". For laughs, I always enjoy a Mystery Science Theater 3000 flick. Russ isn't into them, but they have me doubled over with laughter usually. We saw a lovely foreign film, "Steam" set in Istanbul-nice, slow leisurely pace-very soulful message. For William Shatner's (Captain Kirk) birthday this week (just happened to find out online that he's 71 now) I watched the final episode of the original Star Trek series titled "Turnabout Intruder" where he has to act like a woman. The woman, who has delusions of being a starship captain (imagine!), has taken control of his body-pretty good eppie. Transmigration I guess one would call it, only the characters are still alive.... Obviously, it was made in 1969 when the writers assumed that in the 23rd century women could *still* not be captains of starship vessels-unbelievable.

I've been reading to Russ from various books. Took him awhile to adjust to not being able to read again-a major joy of his life, but he's adapted well to the audiobooks from the State library. They send U.S. News & World Report to him on cassette for free every week! :)

3-18-02

Russ and I had a great visit with Mom and her cat, Buster, on Saturday. Lots of laughs and eternally memorable moments. The house looks terrific (front porch and windows repainted, new roof, etc.) and Mom is doing much better now that the neurologist has taken her off the Aricept. She still talks of "going home" to the house we rented years ago-she's done this ever since the car accident in August.

The girls are taking very good care of Mom and they keep the house spotless. We were so fortunate to have found them.

3-14-02

Well, things are getting interesting again. Mom is much more agitated since she's been on the Aricept. She gets a lot of nervous energy every afternoon around 3pm and every night around 2am, wanting to go to her mother's house (Grandma died on 12-11-82, same day and same time of day as Russ' Mom-Grandma had AD for many years). This is the same behavior Grandma used to exhibit. We're waiting to hear from the neurologist about how to proceed. Still no word re: Mom's ultrasound.

The cat came back! Evidently, she was at a neighbor's.

We're so enjoying the BBC/A & E production, "The Planets". The episode yesterday was titled "Atmosphere". Remarkable footage of Joe Kittinger's freefall from space at 102,800 feet on my maternal Grandma's birthday, Aug. 16th, 1960; just two weeks before I was born! When I went online afterwards to look up more info about him, I saw the Life magazine cover from August 29th, 1960 and it looked awfully familiar. I went into the living room and found it in a bookcase! Mom had bought this issue of Life as a present for my birthday years after it was published. On the cover, there's Joe Kittinger in freefall from space! He's the only man who has ever done this. He went up in a pressurized suit, inside a gondola, attached to a helium balloon. You owe it to yourself to see this unique and exhilirating camera footage of the freefall-never seen anything quite like it before. Amazing that no one has done this since!

"The Planets" was broadcast back in 1999, I believe. The dvd box set is well worth it-we've learned so much about the planets and the many Russian and American probes sent to them. This is the only space documentary that covers the Russian discoveries in such detail. I guarantee you you will be amazed to discover just what information the Russians have contributed to our knowledge of our solar system as well. I've been a space fanatic for many years now and I had never heard of some of the probes they launched before.

My earliest memory is of releasing a red helium balloon in the country where we lived at around age 4. I watched it till it was completely out-of-view and stood there wondering about the universe and losing something you love-even a little red balloon. I wrote my best poem about this experience in college many years later while studying Wordsworth.

Beautiful day here today! In the 70s! Sun shining brightly and the sky is a loverly shade of Carolina blue :)

3-10-02

Russ' feebleness in walking is increasingly becoming more and more of a challenge for him. I have to go with him everywhere to keep him from falling. With his enlarged prostate and diuretic for the CHF we make frequent trips to the porcelain throne. It's a very slow process, but better safe than sorry. The walker is helpful (he has a basket on it to carry items), but since it won't fit into the bathroom I have to physically help Russ in and out.

The cardiologist put Russ on Paxil because of his frustration over his limitations now. They automatically put one on an anti-depressant after a stroke. Russ and I felt he didn't need it after some time passed and he's done fine without it,considering, but he's ready to try it again if it's helpful.

Still waiting to hear from Mom's ultrasound. She had a lump protruding from her stomach. It's gone down and isn't painful.

Mom's new roof is completed and the front porch has been repainted. The window frames are in the process of repainting. With flowers planted out front it should look very nice this spring.

The cat ran away :( There's wandering dogs in the area (have turned over trashcans, etc.).

The Bradford pear trees started blooming here in late February?!?! As I look out the window of our 12th floor perch, they are in full bloom now!

Russ and I are listening to old radio shows on cd and lectures of his from records I had transferred to cd. Movies/documentaries we've enjoyed recently: "Steel Magnolias" (the dvd transfer is great and the added documentary is well done and informative), "To The Moon" (excellent Nova special on dvd and one of the best on the Apollo program), "The Blue Planet" (sublime BBC series on ocean life. Part 4 deals with ocean life seven miles below the surface and offers exquisite images of huge prehistoric-like fish never before seen! Hard to believe that life thrives in such a cold, dark environment-many on sulfur bubbling up from the earth's core. Only 1 percent of this area has been explored. We know more about the moon than the ocean at these depths.

We hope to watch the reissue on dvd of "Wild Strawberries" soon.

2-28-02

Russ had a good visit with the cardiologist on Tuesday. The doctor was most pleased with the sound of Russ' heart. Thankfully, the diuretic for the CHF has been cut back to every other day.

Before the appointment, we had a relaxing lunch at our favorite restaurant here in Greensboro--Green Valley Grill, part of the O. Henry Hotel. If you go to the lunch menu section under Food & Wine and then Current Menu (Peasant Kitchen) you can see what we had. Russ had the garlic beef entree (which he declares delicious) and I had the penne pasta entree (which I declare scrumptious). :)

Mom's cardiologist wants to wait till he has the results of her thallium stress test from Nov. and her echocardiogram from Dec. before making a decision on how to proceed with treatment. She goes back to him mid-March.

Looking forward to the vernal equinox, as I'm sure we all are.

2-16-02

Russ had a very good visit with the endocrinologist yesterday. His A1C (blood test for bg averages over the past 3 months) was the best yet and I was commended for my good care. :)

We celebrated by having a delicious late lunch (best to have as we have the restaurant all to ourselves) at another one of our favorite Italian places, Positano's.

Mom had a good visit with her new neurologist on the 12th. She has been put on 2000IU of Vitamin E a day (1000 in the morning and a 1000 in the evening)and begins Aricept again on the 18th (pray that it doesn't make her nauseous this time). Her sister is on Exelon for her AD, but that one made Mom very nauseous and she ended up in the hospital for dehyration last Spring.

Mom goes to the cardiologist on Monday. We'll find out then whether she is to have a heart catherization or not. Russ' cardiologist was to have a nurse come out to help me weigh him for the diuretic once a week and give advice on treating his CHF, but we've not heard a word from the agency yet-maybe next week......

Mom has to have a new roof. They begin work on that this week....

A dear friend surprised us on Valentine's Day by delivering delicious sugar-free custard pie slices. :)

My sister is enjoying her final class (titled "Storytelling")for her Masters in Library Science in D.C. She will take her test for the degree this July. Go Joan! :)

Have a happy, fulfilling day.

2-09-02

Having a most relaxing 15th anniversary today. We've been watching video we've taken from past anniversary celebrations, beginning with the one in 1991. Fond memories.

Yesterday, we enjoyed a lovely lunch at a favorite Italian restaurant, where romantic Italian music played in the background and a lovely mural of the NYC skyline at night (with the Twin Towers in view) spread across the wall opposite us. Truly delightful afternoon. We were the only ones there, as it was 2:30pm. Earlier, we had dropped off both Russ' and Mom's tax documents at H & R Block next door and saw a next-door neighbor from our days at Francisco Place townhouse community.

Russ' blood sugars are much better now and he's had no more chest pains! The prayers and good thoughts of our cyberfriends must indeed be working! A special thank you to all of those who have sent positive, healthy thoughts and vibrations our way. Blessings on you all.

2-07-02

Russ has had high blood sugars today. The endo reduced the amount of his new diuretic, which may or may not be interfering with the blood sugars. A nurse is to come in once a week to monitor Russ' weight in relation to the diuretic. Russ' chest pain abated today with use of nitro. If it persists we are to get a chest x-ray. The EKG on Friday was good.

We've had a nice, quiet day today despite Russ' feeling under the weather. Obviously, we've canceled our beach trip for our 15th anniversary Saturday. Perhaps later on. Keep us in your prayers.

2-06-02

Well, Russ' chest discomfort has abated after Extra-Strength Tylenol treatment. The diuretic seemed to affect his blood sugars, so the endo has decreased him to half of it a day. Powerful stuff that diuretic-keeps you visiting the "porcelain throne" all day it seems. Wearing poor Russ out. Does appear to have alleviated his breathlessness though, so that's good-that's what we hoped would happen.

Mom saw her new neurologist today and he has started her on 2000IU of Vitamin E for her AD. She begins Aricept again in a week's time. He thinks she's doing very well. She was lively and outgoing today-we had a nice, brief visit before she went in. I had to get back home to be with Russ for his elimination trials.

Mom got the camboot off today!!!! Hurrah!!! She goes back for a final follow-up in March. She also got a good report from the dentist as well. Russ, Mom and I all use the sonic toothbrush since we're such bad flossers, and it has truly worked wonders. None of us have developed a cavity since using it two years ago! We highly recommend getting one. Most have cash rebates now.

Russ goes with me Friday to H & R Block nearby with his and Mom's taxes. Be glad when that's all over with.

I've lost ten pounds now! I feel terrific! My pants are getting looser! I'm alive again! :) I've mainly eliminated fat and sugar from the mix; much smaller portions when I do eat. I don't consume breakfast, simply because if I do, it just stokes the appetite fire for the rest of the day. If I skip breakfast (when I'm the least hungry) I end up not eating as much the rest of the day. Lunch is my big meal-I had a veggie burger on whole wheat bread with whole wheat couscous and that was it. Later in the day, I had some more of the whole wheat couscous and I'm sated. Russ and I both drink plenty of water during the day. I also love to munch on carrots quite often-my eyes are probably very sharp, but my skin may be turning orange soon-heard that happened to Susan Dey on the Partridge Family. :)

Wrote a letter to Mom's cardiologist today, who she sees on the 18th. Russ went to him in 1996 for his 2nd heart catheterization and he did a fine job. Hear nothing but good things about him here. We'll all be glad when it's over with, so that poor Mom can get back to some semblance of normalcy. Mom told me today how much she wants to go on a trip to the beach or the mountains. I want to as well, but caring for Russ and her on a trip would probably kill me. I took them on a trip to Salem, VA last July and to Newport News, VA the year before and "vacation" is not the word that comes to mind. Their company, as always, was lots of fun, but their needs could be draining. I'd really need someone along to help out. I'll be searching-maybe one of the girls caring for Mom now could do it. I think we all need a break from doctors and the same four walls staring at us every day. Cabin fever is beginning to set in.

Hope all is well and happy wherever you are. Stop and smell the roses and hug the ones you love. Life has a way of catching up on one faster than we'd like. All the best, friends.

2-02-02

Russ saw the cardiologist yesterday. He has been put on a stronger diuretic, maxide (generic version), to try and get rid of excess fluid around his heart (related to his CHF) to see if this is what is causing his breathlessness and chest discomfort. A nurse will come in to help me weigh Russ, as one needs to adjust the dosage of the medication related to weight fluctuations.

Last night, Russ and I were wondering if a recent fall he had off his bedside commode; where he fell on his left side, might have damaged a rib, causing his discomfort there. Russ says the nitrostat doesn't help ease the pain and the cardiologist says the EKG doesn't indicate any angina activity of any consequence. We think a chest x-ray is in order soon. If the discomfort keeps up today, despite the new diuretic, we may go to urgent care or the hospital for a chest x-ray.

Night before last, I had "heart fluttering" all night. I haven't had this for some time. I have mitral valve prolapse, but it doesn't usually cause problems for me. Mother's had tachycardia for as long as I can remember so maybe I've inherited it. I've been dieting and had lost eight pounds in a few days time. I think this may have triggered the heart reaction. No matter which position I lay in, I could not get to sleep. But finally, Russ cuddled me and I drifted off like a baby :)

Russ said he was ready to let me have his cardiologist appt. if I was still having problems in the morning. :)

The cardiologist thanked me for my good care of Russ. Always means so much to hear that-very seldom does a caregiver get praise for their efforts. Usually, the questions from friends, relatives, and acquaintances naturally focus on "how is Russ?", which is to be expected and which both he and I are so grateful they ask, but once in awhile it's nice to hear that one is providing good care, and have friends inquire about the wellbeing of the caregiver. Hasn't been easy for me, with both Russ and Mom's continual health decline-lots of responsibilities. Russ is such a sweetheart-he thanks me 24 hours a day for what I do for him and that is all I really need to get me through-that and his loving embrace.

Without Russ' endless love, support and encouragement I don't know how I could go on. The only reason I take pleasure in typing at this computer, watching a movie, listening to music, watching a sunset, etc. is because I know that Russ is here with me; waiting to cuddle me, reassure me, love me. Losing Russ would ring in my death knell as well. We don't think in that direction, as we have faith that things are going to get better, based on our deep and abiding love for one another. We're fighting the good fight for as long as we can. And then, as we often discuss, we'll go to the afterlife together; possibly reincarnate as young lovers who live across from one another in a vast aristocratic estate in Edwardian England or be poor young lovers in Paris-any century. :)

My sister, Joan, is coming down today to discuss Mom's finances and what to do this year about the house, her care, etc. The money is quickly disappearing; paying for these 'round-the-clock home health care aides. They're terrific girls and we're so happy for what they've done, but within a year, the money will run out and we'll have to sell land, or move Mom to a facility, or to Joan's house, etc. etc. I'll miss seeing that house and 7 acres go-deep sentimental attachment for all three of us, especially me. We've been told that one has to transfer a parent's property into the children's name three years before applying for Medicaid. If not, Medicaid looks back those three years at her assets. The priority, of course, is Mom's care, but we will hate seeing the family home taken. Oh, well. C'est la vie.

1-31-02
Saturday, the 27th, was an interesting day for us. We were finishing watching the delightful "Moulin Rouge" film, when Russ started to not feel well (just like the herione, Satine, in the musical). We lay down, held hands and cuddled, thinking happy thoughts, and he started feeling better-never understimate the power of love folks. :)

We've been watching our 10th anniversary video from Kauai and Oahu from January 1997 and loving every minute of it. We received our 15th anniversary roses today and they are absolutely exquisite! We've taken stills of the arrangement, but will take some of us with it tomorrow. Russ has an appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow. Cross your fingers and toes for a good report. I had to call the endocrinologist today because of a hypoglycemic reaction Russ had this afternoon. He's much better now. He had a good shower and several rounds of walking exercise with me, so we're thinking positively.

Mom has a "knot" in her abdomen. She goes next week for an ultrasound of it. She sees a new neurologist next week as well to see if there is an AD medication she can tolerate without getting nauseous. She meets the cardiologist on the 18th to prepare for a heart catheterization to see what can be done about some blockages she has.

1-20-02
Three years ago today, we moved into our apartment here at The Hampshire, on the 12th floor. We face the west and thus, enjoy beautiful sunsets. On the 4th of July, we witness multi-colored fireworks displays. In the early morning light, graceful flocks of birds soar among puffy white clouds. We are truly blessed.

1-19-02

Russ and I saw a movie last night we enjoyed very much. One of the reasons I particularly enjoyed it is because I think it might help people understand something about how it feels to be in an intergenerational relationship like ours. The movie is titled, "A Prelude To A Kiss" which was released in 1992 and stars Alec Baldwin and Meg Ryan. For an excellent review of it click here. The movie is worth a rental just to see young Alec kiss the old man, who is really his wife. :)

Weather for ducks today. Supposedly sleeting this morning and turning to freezing rain and then much later regular rain. We're nice and snug and warm though, with plenty of food. :)

Roger Ebert is one of my favorite movie reviewers, simply because he and I tend to agree on films. We've been slowly watching movies listed as his top 100 of all time. Click here to see the list. Just saw "L'Atlante"-simply stunning, touching, romantic. The director died after completing the film. He was only 29. Crowning achievement.

1-10-02

Well, we've made reservations today for four nights at the Sheraton Hotel in Atlantic Beach, NC for Feb. 7th-11th to celebrate our 15th anniversary on Feb. 9th!! We had a wonderful Christmas there in 1999. The hotel is located on the Crystal Coast and situated so that the ocean view rooms face west where one can view beautiful sunsets! We're on the top floor (9th)! Cross your fingers and toes that we have nice weather and that Russ feels up to traveling.

Good News! Mom can now walk with a walker!! No more watching to make sure she doesn't get up and put weight on the broken ankle. She still has the camboot, but that will be removed later this month. She has to have a heart catheterization (sp?) soon..........

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. Means the world to us. Best of health and happiness for us all in 2002! :)

1-07-02

8:32am and Russ is resting. I'm sipping coffee and staring out at the barren, leafless trees and the pure white spots of snow that linger.

Tomorrow, Mom goes to our new physician for the first time, an internist. She's very nice. I think Mom will like her. Only a block away from us. Mom's health care worker will be bringing her naturally. The girls take very good care of Mom.

Wednesday, Mom will go to the orthopedist (or is it spelled orthopaedist?) here in Greensboro. She broke her left ankle on October 1st and was operated on October 9th. Keeping her from walking on it has been a major challenge, as she keeps forgetting due to her AD. In the early morning hours of Christmas Day she walked to the bathroom while my sister and her hubby were asleep. Thankfully, no damage was done. She keeps wanting to go back to "her house"-the one we rented years ago, which is no longer there. sigh.

Russ and I aren't sure how to celebrate our 15th anniversary on Feb. 9th. He is having more and more difficulty walking with his walker and transferring to chairs, bed, car, etc. He has great difficulty breathing at times (in and out of congestive heart failure, which he has been struggling with for years now)and the littlest things tire him quickly. After bathing, dressing, etc. he has to lie down and rest. The "silent stroke" he had almost a year ago now has greatly effected his ability to walk. His left foot drags and he is unable to lift both feet as he moves-he shuffles very slowly when he walks with his walker. He wears support hose for his edema (swelling in the ankles due to the CHF) and takes a diuretic. Russ has insulin-dependent diabetes (blood glucose testing 3-4 times a day to keep it regulated), hypertension, atrial fibrillation (under control with medication), pernicious anemia (takes B-12 injections once a month), enlarged prostate, and the occipital lobe damage (alexia without agraphia and right field of vision problem) related to the stroke. His potential for falls, even with the walker, is very great; so I have to be his shadow when he goes to the bathroom (which is quite often due to the prostate problem), dining room, etc. We give each other wonderful encouragement and support. Despite the hardships, we have lots of laughs. A healthy sense of humor is essential for practically everything in life we've learned. :)

The test results of Mom's new well water, sent from Raleigh via the local county Environmental Health Inspector, revealed that there is "coliform bacteria" present. We're having a chlorine treatment done soon to rectify this problem. The home health care workers, who stay with Mom, have been boiling and/or freezing the water or using bottled water.

I found another suitcase of old letters and cards from relatives, friends and former students of Russ'. We've had a wonderful time reading them all. He had a great aunt on his mother's side who was truly a gifted artist. She handpainted ALL of her cards to folks-exquisite watercolors of flowers and landscapes! Who do you know who puts that much effort into their communications these days?? We're impressed :)

Russ & Tony's Homepage

Latest News & Reflections

Latest News Archives

Recommended websites:

Dictionary,etc.

World Clock

What Time Is It?

Dead Or Alive