Get to know Tomi Ma'am

Tomi Ma'am
Speaks... The following are

strictly my views and feelings on what I feel a dominant is.

As like pebbles on a beach there probably as many views on what each of us
perceive a dominant
personality to
be. We are in
fact not the
Borg Collective..

(lil touch of humor for
seven of Balana
or is that
nine or Torres,
I forget. LOL)

What is a dominant?

An inside joke that refers to shevette because she told me that she too is a Trekkie and she associates herself as being a little like Balana Torres or Seven of Nine...

So many words in our dictionary to describe dominant to be a dominant means to be someone who exercises authority and control over others. That is by far the best description of a dominant person that I can give to you. The amount of authority and control varies from one dominant to another. A dominant can also be referred to as someone who is ascendant, a master, controlling, important, outstanding, commanding, and overseeing. A dominant is also someone who is proficient, adept, skilled, accomplished, skillful, expert, practiced or masterful. Then of course there is authoritative, unquestioned, solid, decisive, compelling, impressive, absolute, powerful and dictatorial.

Hmmm, will need to think on this for a second or two.
What happened to words like loving, caring, supportive?

I guess those are in another dictionary. LOL. Most, but not all dominants share a common thread. That thread being there ability to exercise authority and control over others. I do know some dominant wannabe’s that don’t have one clue what it’s all about. There just hoping to fool the masses and blend in.

As with all things in all walks of life the spectrum of dominants is very wide indeed. We go from the tender hearted dominant who only seeks to try to ‘change’ a submissive, to the far end of the spectrum where the dominants are the supreme power element with forcefulness being their way of life. No one way is better than another is and for each of us we need to find that place where we are most comfortable. My preference is the softer side of the D/s lifestyle. I am very much a dominant person but I am also one that dominates with soft but loving hands. To me a submissive is a very special individual. How many of us can truly say that we are willing to lovingly give everything about us over to another person. The mere act of submission on one person’s part is the greatest gift any one person can give to another. To willingly and with total devotion place your entire life in the hands of another is indeed a special gift to be treasured and respected.

As more people come online and enter this world for the first time they are learning that the relationship between a Dominant and submissive is more than that which is portrayed on a local talk show. What these show's lean towards is only one side of the spectrum. Lets face it, people who share a genuine love and devotion to each other does not a good talk show make. I hear many people say they are Masters or Mistresses because they can take charge, issue orders and dole out punishment. I'm sorry but they really don't want to hear my views on what kind of a person I think they are.
To become a truly good Dom or Domme one must be committed totally to providing a nurturing environment, that allows a submissive to grow and fulfill their needs. Thus fulfilling the needs of the dominant as well. This form of thinking goes for all types of the D/s and BDSM lifestyle. From the softest side to the far end of the spectrum we as dominants fulfill the needs of both ourselves as well as the ones that submit to us.

The relationship between Dominant and submissive is one of honesty and fairness, trust and love. To become a truly good submissive one must be committed. A submissive must be committed to loving, respecting, and honoring their Dom or Domme. They must bring their loyalty and ability to follow guidance and direction in the relationship. So many a submissive is under the impression that they are there strictly to serve. My question always is. What is it that you want to serve? Do I look like I need a soda or sandwich? One answer I hate to hear is the standard one. "Anything You want Mistress."When I hear that my first instinct is to say to the new subs, "I throw a handful of marbles on the freeway in rush hour traffic. I want you to crawl out on your hands and knees to pick them up". Now I ask you does that make good scenes to you? It sure doesn't to me. When entering into this realm for the first time I tell all new comers be they Dom, Domme or submissive to make 4 different lists.

In the course of exploring my dominant side I devised a set of 4 list’s that I found useful and have used myself as well as having others that I counsel use. I will share these lists with each of you. As well a little bit of what I listed about myself. Laughingly say all things are not to be published on the Internet or inside a newsletter.
4 lists to help you better understand where you’re coming from and where you’re going.

The first list should address your expectations. What is it that they want to get out of this experience into the world of D/s or BDSM? As I deal with people who search out the fantasy of the Internet as well as people who want the reality I say include both online as well as real time expectations.

2. The second list should be a list of everything you would be willing to do or that you might like to try. For the submissive the list would be what they would be willing to submit to or might like to try later on in the relationship. For the Dominants the list would contain things they might like to do and anything they are willing to do for their submissive as well as things they might like to try later on. One must always remember that the act of submission is the most precious gift any one person can give to another. To give of yourself freely and lovingly to another is indeed a special gift. The gift of submission is a gift that should never be taken lightly by any Dominant. (Do I sound repetitive or what?)

3. The third list should be a list of things that you would not consider doing. Many of us do have our limitations and they should be clearly spelled out.

4. The fourth list should be a list of qualities you are looking for in either you're Dominant or submissive.

These lists serve two purposes.

First to help the individual define themselves, their needs, wants and desires. Secondly it is something that a Dominant and submissive should share with each other to help establish the boundary's for each one in the relationship.

Please remember that you should go back to your list every once in awhile because as you grow in your new world your tastes will change. These lists are not written in stone and can be changed as often as you need to add or subtract from them. Dominants and submissives should share with each other the lists they have made thus allowing each one to see what the other is looking for and is willing to give in return.

Finding out about Tomi via her partial list. (smiles)

Expectations. What do I want to get from my experience as a Dominant? My expectations are limitless. Every day brings with it new experiences and with those experiences my expectations of myself and others grows both outwards and inwards. When I first entered this realm I had a very limited outlook. I wanted to dominate, actually needed to dominate. It is a feeling that has been with me since early childhood. My thoughts on domination have changed through the years just as I’m sure yours will with time. What I want for myself is to experience a loving relationship with my submissive. (Who by the way is traveling all the way from Holland to the West Cost of America to meet me in real time.) I expect nothing less of myself than to be that one special person in all his life to make the most impact on him. To allow him to live what has up until now only been a fantasy, a dream he has dreamed thousands of times. I want him, out of love and with all his heart and soul, to totally submit to me. To give to me that one special gift that he has not given to anyone else, his special gift, the gift of himself.
What am I willing to do? Long list I can assure you. I am quite willing and able to fulfill most if not all of a boy’s fantasies. I make many of my own toys, leather floggers, cord floggers, ties and other items. Spandex hoods and blindfolds as well as G-strings for photo ops as they present themselves. I have a home full of eyebolts (not counting them can assure you of that) in the walls and ceiling’s. Ropes that seem never ending. I have several different sizes and textures as well as colors. I am quite adept in the art of rope bondage. Learning from a very knowledgeable man online and practicing as much as I can through mental as well as some physical. I know that sounds funny but when all else fails we do the best we can. Although I have had many volunteers to practice on I tell them buy their own rope and come over. So far no takers, as you can expect rope is not a cheep item and there is no way I will allow the rope purchased for my sub to adorn another’s body. Like a number of things rope is a personal thing and I feel that unless you’re in the business on a professional level your sub deserves only the best and that it not be used for another. My boy will be the only one to ever wear the ropes that now adorn my walls. (smiles).
What are my limitations? I do have a few limitations. Things that for personal reasons or my own reluctance I would never consider doing to another. These limitations have not changed since I compiled my first list. I will NOT under any circumstances rape another person. I will NOT under any circumstances force anyone to perform sex acts with animals. I will NOT under any circumstances have an adult perform sex acts with or on a child. I will NOT under any circumstances force sex between same sex partners. (On this last please note that I say FORCE. I have many friends in real time that are living and enjoying same sex relationships as well as bisexual relationships. But it is construal not forced by any stretch of the imagination.)
What am I looking for in a submissive? Well for starters I have found, for me, the perfect man. He is a loving caring man. His sole purpose in life right now it to be dominated by me. To give himself to me freely and willingly. Although he is a very strong individual in his own right and very much at peace with himself as the MAN his friends and colleagues see he is also an impish lil boy who wants nothing more that to please me in any way that he can. He has placed his heart and soul in my hands, given my full control over his body, his soul and his mind. He comes to me willingly and with open arms and so much love that it stagers the imagination. All he wants in return for his love is for me to do with him what ever I see fit. If I desire to handcuff him or tie him up he is a devoted submissive and will without hesitation let me do with him as I see fit. Is he out of the closet at home? Well like most of you he is kind of hidden. I did have him tell his best friend about me and also about what he is coming here to experience. As you might guess he was scared to tell his friend. I asked him this. If your best friend had a secrete about himself. Say he was a flicker or perhaps a cross dresser or even thinking about a sex change operation and he told you what would you do or say to him? Would you stop being his best friend because of his secrete desires? I got a definite NO WAY!!!! he is my best friend and I would respect him and still be his best friend. Well after some consideration he did tell his best friend. That was many weeks or so ago and low and behold.. they are still best friends and his best friend is going with him to the airport when he comes to see me. Don’t get me wrong because I understand there was a lot of discussion and a whole lot of one trying to talk the other one out of his desires. BUT my boy is still my submissive and his best friend is still his best friend.

To all of you who are suffering over telling anyone that you are a Dominant or a submissive let me say this. If someone is truly your best friend they will accept you no matter what. Just tell them that as they are your best friend you know you can confide in them. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it and it will take a major load off your shoulders. Just be sure that it is truly a friend and someone you trust.

PSSSSSST when I told my best friend all she could do was holler at me and tell me I was sick and needed counseling.. hmmmmmm guess what she doesn’t think that anymore and were still best friends.. not only that but she see how much love my lil one has for me and in some ways is envious of his devotion to me and she is waiting patiently for him to come for a visit. She says she wants all the details, but stresses not the intimate ones or the ones dealing with the bondage portion or any part of the spankings. (smiles) LOL yeah right, she visited me on vacation for a few weeks and she doesn’t know that I saw her on more than one occasion fingering my floggers and my ropes. Even caught her once hitting her hand with one of my soft floggers. Her excuse - she wanted to see if it hurt. I just laughed and offered to hit her with it a few times so she could get the full effect. Needless to say she passed on the offer.

Dictionary picture of a submisive.

What is a submissive?

Once again we delve in to the dictionary and again come up with so many words for us to choose from. Did you know that submissive is agreeable, deferential, tractable, acquiescent, compliant, humble, obedient amenable, pleasant, pleasing, congenial, good-natured, easy going, cooperative, mild, manageable, complaisant, amenable, willing, obedient, pliant, docile, yielding, subservient, accommodating, meek, unassuming, dutiful, loyal, respectful, tame, yielding, docile, passive, subdued, resigned, easily influenced. Hmmmm I don’t see my definition of a submissive in there. Loving, caring, individual willing to give all of themselves to another.

To complete the remainder of this portion I bow to shevette as she is the submissive and who better to tell you what a submissive is than one who lives it.

I would very much love to hear from other dominants to get their ideas on what they perceive a dominant to be. As I stated at the beginning, so many pebbles on the beach, each one different but every one contributing to the beauty. I would also love hearing from any submissive out there as to what they perceive a dominant to be, more pebbles on the beach. (smiles).

As an informative website I feel that we need to touch on everything we can to help those looking for answers. If we can help one person discover themselves through our efforts I can assure you that will make both shevette and I very happy indeed.

Please feel free to ask questions and shevette and I will try our best to answer them. We want everyone that has ever thought about or fantasized about a D/s relationship to feel they can come to us and perhaps we will be able to help them to discover themselves.

I send much love to each and everyone who happens upon this site. Reaching out and giving you the perfect gift, a big hug. One size fits all and no one minds if it’s returned.

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