Thoughts by shevette...
The real need for it,
and the pitfalls.
There are a couple of different angles to look at this.
- First and foremost is abuse of women
- The desire to hurt or be hurt
- Punishment with a purpose
Or of men either. No one should ever be hurt just for the heck of it. We've all done it and tasted that bad taste it leaves in our mouths. There's a reason why that bad taste is there. We know we did something we shouldn't have done.
But there is a need to hurt and even a need to be hurt. It too is 100% natural. The idea is to chanel that, control it, take the good and leave the bad. It's impossable to ignore these feelings, to repress ourselves. The idea is to LEARN to use them, and thus ourselves, to the good.
What i'm talking about here is not the scene where you play out, "Oh daddy, i've been a such bad little girl!" Giggle. What i'm trying to get out is that we sometimes goof up and feel bad about something we did - especially if it hurt someone else. We feel so helpless and want to try to make amends somehow.
This is where things come together. As a sub i can offer myself to a Master for punishment as he sees fit. If the first time i did that he put me in the hospital i don't think i'd offer it again and i don't think that i could believe that he was willing to help me make amends. Maybe i'd get the idea that what i had offered wasn't such a very good idea - but it is! It was just offered to the wrong person. Exit stage left - quickly!
There are a couple of different sides to look at too.
- The need to follow or lead
- The desire to grow, be better
- REWARD: for doing well.
- PUNISH: for doing bad.
- BOTH: a combination. If you thought i was going to opt for punishment then please move to the back of the room... If you thought 'reward' then you don't know me that well...
- Punishment as a turn on
- In D/s, BDSM, S&M, or bondage, depending on your take of what those terms mean, there is such a thing as a scene type where you may be punished and depending on the individulas it may be quite severe. Most don't play it that severe, i think, but some do, i hear, i think. There could be a very realistic spanking (or worse). This is done for pleasure and it sounds messed up, but it's not. Doing a scene like that gets the body pretty excited and stimulated. When things get to the climax part the climax is something to be experienced! Is it ever! That's not what i'm talking about here - i wish i was...
- Then there's the sort of thing that i am refering to. Where you goof up and your lover cares enough about you to make the point, "Hey, don't do that!"
In this scenerio something happens that you wouldn't normally like and you take it as that. You are being punished for real. You hate it the whole time it's going on, and you try to remember that your lover is doing it for your own good and is getting no more pleasure out of it than you are - EXCEPT you do, way back in the corner of your mind, do appreciate that he's doing it FOR you with great LOVE. He's kinda happy that you care enough about yourself to want to be better, do right, and all of that AND you have asked no one but him to help you on this matter. It's really a very loving thing on a truely intellectual level; whereas the first kind is on a more base body level where you trick your body into getting super turned on. (Which is good too, but for a different time.)
i've heard that John Wayne once said, "There's only two kinds of people; the mothers and the others!" It's a comparison.
I think he must have been joking, but there is some validity in what he said. Of course there are always two sides to every coin. There are those who do one thing and 'others' who do just the oppisite. If you compare people who like to hurt then you have to compare them to those who like to get hurt. Or do you?
Would not those who like to hurt be better compared with those who don't like to hurt? Would not those who like to be hurt be better compared with those who don't like to be hurt? People who like to hurt people and people who like to be hurt will please all leave now. This is for the adults.
i prefer to follow and thank goodness that there are those who like to lead, that was my point...
Those of us still in the room understand that. Failure to grow means we are stuck in a rut. The question is: can you grow better on your own or with the help of another? i was being retorical, put your hand down, please.
If you do wrong the chances are people are going to jump at the oportunity to point out the error of your ways. Who would you rather have to point out your mistakes, John Q. Public or your lover? i want my Master to help me.
Yes, i'm talking training. Train me please to be a better person, a better sub. There are three ways to train someone, teach someone.
Two points to cover here and i want to make it plain about what i'm talking about.
i used to preach one way, but now i see a better way.
I used to say you used your mind to differentiate between a punishment given to improve yourself and a punishment scene that you do to get turned on. i take that back. i have learned that i am not that altogether. The mind has many levels, we are only aware of one - the consious level, sorry.
To rely on the consious level is taking a big chance. What starts out as something to improve my mind can turn into... something that isn't going to do that. Will the person who just said "Hot sex" please go to the back of the room - and wait for me after class, please?
The answer is quite simple: instead of saying, "Ok, this spanking (whatever) is for sex" or "This one's to make up for wrecking the car" use the method to help keep things straight. Use spankings for one purpose and standing with your nose in the corner for the other. It doesn't matter which, for some the nose in the corner can be erotic, for others a spanking. The point is differentiate!
And this is why we need to be with others who are doing bondage, S&M, D/s, or whatever you call it this week.
So how did i figure this out? i got with others who are into some of the many variations of bondage. And that's a big point that i'd like to make here and now - do not isolate yourself because you dig bondage! You don't have to join every leather club that comes along either, some of them are quite laughable. Get with people like yourself who are around the same level that you are at (or higher.) i've had a few things in the past to share and now i am getting with other people who may have something to share with me. Have you ever considered talking about this with your best friend? Do consider. You should be able to trust her or him. If you can't then get a new best friend, the old one wasn't good enough, trust me on this. Am i telling the truth or what?
What prompted me to write this page.
i, yes me... made a boo boo. Here Rob and i go and get married and right away i get slack. i got caught trying to turn into a workaholic. Since school i am enjoying my new job (if you haven't already, get an education - good thing to have - and never stop learning!) And i was bringing home work that needed to stay at work. i've begun to heal from the thing that knocked the pegs out from under me and i have been attacking the net with a passion. No, i did not neglect Rob! The only thing that i had any slack in was sleep, so that's what went out the window.
Guess what? When you skimp on sleep you get goofy. When you get goofy you don't know it, so you usually get goofier. i used to do this with j and she'd just tie me to the bed and make me sleep (after she had me tied up it's all i could do!)
That was j and Rob is no way like j! Tie me to the bed? Un un! He knows i hate (with a passion yet) to be handcuffed to a doorknob. Don't ask why because i don't know. It just bugs me no end, i can not stand it at all. Not even for five minutes.
Rob had me handcuffed to the closet door for an hour. Doesn't sound like much when you consider that i have done a solid week in bondage where i was tied in some manner for the full 24/7. But this was different. i didn't like it at all! At first i was trying to figure out some way to do something with my time on the doorknob, i felt bad about causing Rob to do it to me, i got mad that he did the one thing that i hate, i tried to work on stuff at work in my head, i worried how long i was going to be handcuffed to the stupid door knob, i thought of Rob, then i remembered how sweet he is, i tried to lie down and get some of the sleep i'd missed, couldn't (arm was too short), i got frustrated that i couldn't do anything valuable at all (not even grow a longer arm!)
It worked! i promise to keep a sharp eye on what i'm doing and to at least get six hours of sleep EVERY night - well... except for those nights! giggle But i'll catch up the six hours later, somehow.
