A Little About Me...

"My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue,
An everlasting vision of the everchanging view,
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold,
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold."

--Carole King, "Tapestry"

Hi! Glad you stayed with me!

Now, we were discussing transgenderism. It's a nice, catch-all term that covers all the different flavours. We can use it to describe those who were once known as tranvestites or cross-dressers, but I like to think that transgendered goes a little farther than just one's appearance. The clothes and so on are only the outer part; the part that shows. There is another part to this; one that is not so apparent: the thoughts and feelings.

They say that women tend to use the feeling part of their brain more than men do. I don't know how true it is, but it sums up the way I approach life. Perhaps my brain was scrambled somewhere, or genetics made a mistake at some point. I don't know. But I do know that for as long as I've been alive, this is the way I have been.

Logic escapes me, but a woman's intuition comes naturally. I find that I have a need to express myself in the way a woman does; and indeed, a few women have remarked that talking with me is like talking with a close girlfriend. And when I feel the beauty of a poem, when I have my emotions touched by a work of art, when I am moved by a piece of music, I tend to react in a feminine manner.

"I have my books and my poetry to protect me,
I am shielded in my armour,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb,
I touch no one and no one touches me."

--Simon and Garfunkel, "I Am A Rock"

In my life, I have taken much criticism and hurt for doing what comes naturally for me. So, like many others, I have tried my best to fit in.

In doing so, I established a wall around myself, a wall that prevented my true self from being seen by the world, and I had no more problems functioning in regular society. But I had to face the fact that I was living a lie; moreover, I was denying my true self. Society wasn't hurting because I was fitting in; all it seemed to care about was that I wasn't any different from what is considered to be the norm. It was satisfied.

I wasn't. Inside my wall, I was hurting terribly. Only another TG person can possibly know what that pain is like--a dull emotional ache that cannot be alleviated by any means but one: knowing that this is how you are created, and you cannot change yourself any more than a leopard can change its spots.

"We talked 'cause talking tells you things,
Like what you really are thinking about,
And sometimes you can't find what you're feeling,
'Till all the words run out."

--Harry Chapin, "Sequel"

Finally, I had to realize that it was no good fighting the pain, which is what I was doing, and I began the process of acceptance. It was hard--I asked myself many difficult questions and I did a lot of research. I wanted to know as much as I could, but the knowledge caused me a lot of sleepless nights during which many long-forgotten memories were dredged up and re-lived.

Eventually, I stumbled across an Internet chat room, and into the world of a wonderful group of people just like myself. There were others there who knew what I was going through, and offered support and comfort unselfishly. There were also discussions of music, talks about clothes and whatnot, and plenty of jokes, so I was right at home. I was free to be myself, albeit in cyberspace.

"If I had a box full of wishes,
And dreams that had never come true,
The box would be empty except for the memory of how,
They were answered by you."

--Jim Croce, "Time in a Bottle"

But as you can imagine, there came a time when I had to reach out and do more than just chat on the Internet. There was still the pain--not as bad as before certainly, but still there. So I gathered my courage together, and reached out to Joanne, a chatroom friend. Her help, inspiration, reassurance and support have meant a great deal to me, and I will be always grateful.

It was Joanne who introduced me to the larger TG community, and to the people and resources there. Always at my own pace, and always at my comfort level, but I did have to reach a few times! There were many "firsts" for me, but the experience was worthwhile, as I came to accept myself. It didn't happen overnight, but the important thing is that it happened.

Not so surprisingly, the pain lessened appreciably.

"There's got to be a morning after,
If we can hold on through the night,
We have a chance to find the sunshine,
Let's keep on looking for the light."

--Maureen McGovern, "The Morning After"
(words and music by Al Kasha and Joel Hirschhorn)

I don't yet know what the future holds for me. There are many issues with which I have to deal at this point. I won't list them; they are probably no different than those with which all TG people must deal eventually.

What I do know is that for now, I want to talk with other TG people, and open myself up to others in the community who have been so good about sharing their own stories with me. I want to learn and to grow as a TG person, and use the knowledge and growth to make an informed choice about my future.

"Now the curtain opens on a portrait of today...."

--Joni Mitchell, "Chelsea Morning"

I don't know about a "portrait of today," but these were taken recently enough:

Many thanks go to photographer and makeup artist Cynthia!

Questions? Comments? Just want to say hi? Send me a message:

lynnemca@hotmail.com

Click on the link to return to Lynne's Garden

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page