Coming Out to my Special One
"We all play the game,
And when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire....
--Janis Ian, "At Seventeen"
"We all play the game,
And when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire....
--Janis Ian, "At Seventeen"
A Coming Out is a major step for each of us, and is usually a cause for celebration. But we also endure various other "coming outs," to family and friends for example, that can be intimidating and frightening.
There is never a good time for such things. No matter how much one wants to prepare for the event, or even wants to avoid it, if one is in a relationship there must come a day when the second self is shared with the Special One (SO). What happens from there depends on the way it is presented, and on the SO herself.
I am very lucky in that my SO, whom I'll call "DL," is an intelligent, educated lady. She is not quick to jump to conclusions, preferring to gather all the facts and arrive at a logical conclusion. Best of all in this situation, she is not afraid of research, and working in the health-care field, has access to various medical libraries and other resources.
Still, even with such an understanding and intelligent person, there are a few things I would do differently if I had to do it all over again. In this item, I'll explain what happened, and then discuss what should have, in my opinion, been done differently, as well as what was done well.
What Happened
DL and I had been seeing each other for some time. Although we were not married, nor were we living together, we had been seeing each other long enough to know that we were committed to each other. DL and I had been attracted right from the start, and I am pleased and proud to say that she was (and still is) my best friend, my soulmate, my love, and my life.
Still, the question of making a more permanent commitment kept coming up. I was naturally hesitant, owing to my TG status--my hesitancy ranged from the practical (my closet full of feminine clothes) to the questions I had no answers for (how could I keep this hidden?). DL was naturally puzzled by my hesitancy, and kept wondering why I was stalling.
Finally one evening, I just blurted it out. In fact, the revelation was out before I really knew I had said it. My memory of the exact sequence of events is rather hazy, but I do remember telling her the fact itself, mentioning the TG social and support club I belong to, saying that I attended the support group at the gender identity clinic, and doing a rather ineffective job of reasurring her about everything.
DL did not take the news well, but she did not take it badly either. She asked a few simple questions, but later it was revealed that she was somewhat too stunned to ask much of substance.
Blithely, I continued on. I told her my name, I got a few things from my closet in answer to one of her questions, and I showed her this web page. I dug some photos out from my files, and I got some TG club newsletters from there as well. I was quite nervous, but thought things were going well.
They were not. I finally saw the tears coming out from DL's beautiful brown eyes, and I realized that I had gone a little too far. She was simply overwhelmed with all this. I dropped everything and gathered her into my arms. She snuggled up as only she can, and the two of us cried together for a while.
A number of tissues later, with everything returned to the files and the closet, and with the computer turned off, we resumed our discussion. This time, DL's questions were much more probing: was I planning to transition fully? Just what occurred at social club gatherings? Are other TGs in relationships? How do their SOs feel about it? They were good questions, and I answered them as best I could.
One question I did not have to deal with was the usual first one: "Are you gay?" Thankfully, DL understood the difference between gender and sexuality already.
But we discussed things far into the night, and by the time we parted, DL was a little happier than she had been. Yes, I still loved her very much, and needed her more than ever. Yes, I had discussed this with the medical professionals, and was getting help. She even managed a brave little smile and said that we were about the same size, so maybe we could trade clothes sometime.
Over the next few weeks, I did double-duty trying to find suitable resources for her. I asked people in my social club and at the gender identity support group if they knew of any support mechanisms for SOs. I suggested various books to DL, and pointed her to papers published online. As information came to me, I turned it over to her, and let her have her head with it.
She, in turn, pursued the topic with her characteristic perseverance. Using the medical resources she had at her disposal, she researched and read up on the topic, as well as used the Internet. She read the scholarly papers there, and some that were not so scholarly. She viewed all kinds of personal TG Web pages, some of which frightened her, and others which reassured her. And she read my own page--this site--fully. She e-mailed and called people who had offered to be contacts, and began her own correspondence with them.
Together, we participated one night in the online chat in the Pink Room, and we later talked about the topics that were discussed in there. Gradually, she came to realize that for the most part, TGs were just people who had some kind of desire to express their femininity. Why, she didn't know, nor did there seem to be a pattern in how it was manifested or how far one would go with it, but she came to see the pain, the difficulty in acceptance, and the stresses that all TGs feel.
Through all these activities, I remained in male mode, but before long, she asked if she could meet Lynne. Thus, we spent one Saturday afternoon chatting over coffee, two girls together, and she got to know the real Lynne. I'm glad to say that DL and Lynne got along very well, and she now looks at Lynne as a girlfriend, and one whom she looks forward to seeing.
It was difficult and stressful, but we managed to come through it, and our relationship is now stronger than ever. DL knows Lynne, and enjoys their friendship. I am happy to have a friend like DL, and fortunate that we can also have the relationship that we have always had. Together, we can happily explore and discover my gift with the knowledge that our commitment to each other is safe.
What Worked and What Didn't
As you can no doubt tell, I was lucky in many ways: DL is open-minded, not apt to jump to conclusions, not afraid of research, and willing to make an effort towards making our relationship work. She also had certain resources at her disposal that most people don't have.
But in spite of all those qualities, the situation could have gone badly if I was not willing to make some efforts on my part. In this section, I'll list the things I think I could have improved on, and the things that I think went well.
First, the things that needed improvement:
- I should have prepared more. I should have had resources--a bibliography, a list of good Web sites, some downloaded and printed reasearch papers--to offer. I should have done a little more preparatory work in setting the revelation up: mentioning that I had something important to tell her, and not doing it after we had each had a hard day at the office.
- I especially would have prepared a list of personal contacts. These would be mostly women like herself, who were in a relationship with a TG partner. One of the things that she mentioned was that she would like to communicate with other women in a similar situation, and while we have managed to find her a few, things might have been easier if I had arranged such a list earlier.
- I should not have "overwhelmed" her with clothes and photos and things right after telling her. She would have assimilated the information at her own pace, and we could have progressed through everything at a speed she was comfortable with.
- I should have realized that it would be a shock to her. I have lived with this all my life; she has not. It took me years to accept myself; I should have realized that she could not (nor could anybody) accept this within minutes.
- I should have anticipated her questions. Some, I was expecting, but others were surprising. Mostly, they were due to a lack of knowledge, but I should have expected that she was not as acquainted with the topic as I am. If I had to do it all over again, I'd study the reputable resources that are available, and would try to be as ready as possible for any--and I mean any--question.
Now, the things that went well:
- I stayed in male mode throughout the process. This is how she has always known me, and it was comforting and familiar to her. The news is difficult enough to deal with; there would have been little achieved by forcing her to deal with what is essentially a strange woman.
- As soon as possible after revealing the news, I worked to supply her with contacts, reputable resources, and other sources of information. Then I let her do with them as she pleased--she followed up on the ones that she felt would help her, and would answer her questions to her satisfaction.
- I was ready and willing to talk about it whenever she wanted, and did not force the topic on her after the initial revelation. I didn't often instigate a TG-related conversation, but if she brought it up, I was willing to discuss it. There were no, "let's talk about this laters;" if she wanted to talk, we talked.
Cheating Ourselves at Solitaire
I've presented this item as my own story of coming out to my SO. I am fully aware that TGism is one reason why marriages break up, nasty name-calling happens, and much bad blood exists between two people in a formerly loving relationship. I have heard too many horror stories about coming out to SOs to suggest that it is easy, or that such a task can be achieved in a few easy steps. If you have everything to lose and nothing to gain, there is little point in coming out to your SO.
Yet I also believe that the longer one waits, the more difficult it becomes. And in a relationship, there is a certain level of trust implied--by hiding an aspect of oneself, one risks betraying that trust. If my story, or anything in it, can help you, I'm happy.
In my case, it was one of the best things I could have done. To think that I could play the game and fool myself into thinking I could handle this alone, that I could keep this aspect of my personality a secret, was just like cheating at solitaire: winning becomes a hollow victory. Yes, I would have been victorious. But I also would have suffered much stress and denied DL of the company of someone whom she has come to like a great deal.
While there was room for improvement in the way I broke the news, the effort both DL and I put into making it work paid off. Our relationship is stronger than ever, and we remain happy, trusting, and loving with each other.
Questions? Comments? Just want to say hi? Send me a message:
lynnemca@hotmail.com
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