Coming Out: My Special One's View
"He sang as if he knew me...."
--Roberta Flack, "Killing Me Softly With His Song"
A Word Before We Begin....
"He sang as if he knew me...."
--Roberta Flack, "Killing Me Softly With His Song"
A Word Before We Begin....
As DL read the original "Coming Out to my Special One" item, she began to wonder if she could somehow respond with something that told her side of the story. Of course, I readily agreed, and present DL's response below.
DL's Story
From my seat in the audience I heard a voice from the stage. A deep, resonant voice that caught me off guard. I looked up and saw a very handsome man at the microphone preparing to go on stage with his crew of musicians. He calmly and firmly took charge of the audience, drawing them into his tale and his song. I was transfixed and mesmerized; I saw and heard only him. I decided I had to meet him and within a few days had managed to contact him by telephone. His wonderful voice again set my heart racing as we amicably made plans to meet for coffee within the next week.
That initial chance meeting has changed my life forever. It has brought some of the most joy and the greatest love into my life. Not only for his unconditional love and his wonderful qualities, but for his very special gift. After nearly a year of learning about each other and finding we were compatible and very comfortable with each other, there was, for some reason on his part, a great deal of hesitancy for further commitment beyond the point at which we had arrived. We agreed we were soulmates and destined to be together. Any other outcome was inconceivable. Yet there was a distance between us; a wall he had erected.
He quite often alluded to his need for privacy and time alone; he noted at times he didn't want to be lost in a relationship. He wanted to maintain his distance. Yet we were so very happy together. I gave him time and space, even though at times it nearly broke my heart.
Then one night, he told me something I was quite unprepared to hear. He was so frightened and I was afraid also. He told me he was Gender Dysphoric. Perhaps because he knew of my strong medical background he could easily convey the concept in common medical terminology.
But it was suddenly out in the open. The words hung in the air only briefly. I instantly reassured him I knew the difference between sex and gender. I had studied a little bit about some of the concepts and issues in university. I knew many things on a intellectual level; there were also many things I didn't know. It seemed safer to keep things in the medical realm and on an intellectual level for awhile. The emotional impact had not yet hit.
During the next hour he shared with me photographs, support group newsletters, and his Internet website. It was all so overwhelming. All I saw and heard were the names and pictures of what to me were other women. They were, in reality, friends of his who were of the same persuasion: men who enjoyed expressing themselves as women.
It seemed such a base concept, but gradually I felt unable to cope. I began to cry. I was hurt and angry and jealous. I felt betrayed and felt as if suddenly there was another person in our relationship; someone whom I did not know and someone I was not prepared to meet. I wanted everything to go away and I wanted the clock to rewind. I suddenly knew with brute force the reasons for his continual insistence on "privacy" and "time alone". I was angry. I felt as if I wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me. I wanted to push him away and make him come after me, as if to somehow reassure me that he truly wanted me.
Yet I was able to keep my emotions in check and not say anything I would regret later. I am so very glad I had the foresight to do what I did. Rather than push him away, as I was realizing he was just as afraid as I was, I desperately needed his arms around me and his reassuring words telling me he still loved me. He did offer me the option of leaving if I thought his revelation would be unacceptable to our relationship, but the thought of leaving permanently never crossed my mind. Eventually, I began to cry as suddenly everything became too much to handle. He gently gathered me into his arms and we both cried. Then we made love to one another as if to show what words could not express: that we still loved each other very much.
As I went back to my place I had so many thoughts and fears and worries tumbling through my mind. I could not get to sleep and was extremely restless. In many ways it was as if somebody had died. Things between us would never be the same. At the time I was quite unprepared for the unique way our relationship would be strengthened. This new information seemed so very important to understand. I was desperately afraid the man I had fallen in love with, the man whom I had found to be my soulmate, would no longer be there. I was afraid that everything would change.
In an effort to try and put everything into some semblance of order I embarked on a journey of discovery. I researched and read everything I could get my hands on about gender dysphoria, transgender issues, and the like.
I gradually began to understand with my heart what my Special One had gone through. My heart went out to him and it was as if I wanted to pull him into my arms and offer him reassurance that we would be able to survive as a couple, and that I would accept his unique position. I was able to see that much of the gender issue was related to feeling comfortable in expressing his feminine side without fear of rejection or disgust. Whether this expression was in the form of dressing in his female clothes, or whether it was feeling comfortable in suggesting a sappy romantic film for a Friday night, he simply wanted to be loved and accepted for who he was. Really, isn't that what we all want?
Over the next few weeks we had many long discussions. He was wonderful in answering my questions, no matter how naive they appeared. He treated me with respect and careful consideration, and I did the same for him. Perhaps it was our profound love that allowed us to reach out and offer strength to the other rather than let us hurl words of hurt and disgust and hate, which can so often happen.
We gradually began to even see some of the fun and humour in our special situation. Only we knew about Lynne (aside from his circle of friends in his support group and the Internet). It was a delicious secret and I gradually began to feel honoured to have been given such special information. I realized it had to come out as we were trying to prepare for a life together and it would not fit us well to have had any secrets between us.
Looking back, I now know why it took so long for him to tell me about Lynne: he was afraid he would lose me. I suppose there is always that possibility when coming out. However, as I have learned, there is never an easy or perfect time to reveal such news. I am simply glad he has shared this aspect of his life with me.
Since that time we have come so very far. We have had the chance to meet as two girls. We were both nervous and shy during our first meeting. I was afraid of what Lynne would be like; she was afraid of what I would think and that I might not like her. Our fears were put to rest as we shared our first afternoon together. We liked each other and agreed we should meet again sometime.
Since that time we have learned to enjoy and celebrate all the wonderful aspects that T*ness brings to our lives. It gives Lynne a chance to express herself whenever she wants to in an environment that is loving and supportive. We have each found a new friend in the other and do enjoy one another's company. I am grateful for what Lynne has brought into my life.
This whole experience has brought us closer together than we ever thought possible. We are able to continue along our journey as we learn more about this special gift. We have the encouragement and warmth and support of each other so that no matter what rocks fall into our path, the other will help navigate to a safe haven. We are uncertain where our path will end, but we do know that it will lead to home.
Questions? Comments? Just want to say hi? Send me a message:
lynnemca@hotmail.com
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