Biography
Updated and enhanced in April 1998
I was born in the mid-sixties in Scotland to your average upper-working-class
mother and father and older sister. First memories were at age two; the
family was moving into a new flat. My second most vivid memory is displacement.
I was a girl. How does a three year old child know that?? I was sitting
on the grass in the back garden, in the full knowledge that nature had
given me a boy's body, but that I was actually the same as my sister. To
my recollection, I communicated this fact regularly to my parents, to their
horror, and thought that eventually they'd believe me and I'd be allowed
to be a girl... because I was a girl! My sister tells me that I screamed
incessantly for the first six months of life; a soul displaced.
Primary school time, and I still wasn't being allowed to be
a girl. To a young child "boy" and "girl" have no sexual meaning. In fact
I'm not sure I was aware of any different body parts until I entered nursery
school. I wasn't a happy pupil and as the years went on, I was singled
out more and more for "group bullying". I didn't fit. My body language
was all wrong. Well I know that NOW, but at the time, I couldn't understand
it at all. I was an expectional English student... streets ahead of the
rest of the class at age 9. I was no slouch on any subject really. By age
8, I had given up trying to tell my parents I wanted to be a girl and started
a long silence on the subject, only telling people I could trust. By age
12, I was ready for a new start at Secondary School, and maybe a chance
to put the last few unhappy years behind me.
I couldn't have been more wrong. My gender dysphoria, previously
a palpable, but tolerable issue, almost unbelievably, increased in intensity,
and I was to face a number of extremely distressing years, unable to communicate
to anyone just how bad I felt for fear of ridicule, punishment, or even
violence.
My first year at secondary school was alright... I worked hard
and did my best, but the bullying had already started. By second year it
was bad, by third year dangerous, and by fourth year, my life was put in
peril many times. As a result my studies fell away dramatically as I buried
myself in dreams and solitude, unable to fit into the real world. It was
at age 15 that things took an interesting turn. Whilst my contemporaries
were growing hair on their bodies, I grew none, expect a little around
the public area, where their voices were breaking, mine remained high and
clear.
Without going into too much detail, I had a condition which
left me with very little male hormones in my system, resulting in almost
no body hair, an unbroken voice, and small breasts by age 17, when I left
school. I tried crossdressing for a while, and it was quite a novelty.
It was fascinating to see myself dressed as a girl, but it wasn't the answer.
Due to parental pressures and other stuff, I muddled through the next five
years somehow; unhappy and distressed. I spent most of my time in my bedroom,
doing various hobbies, unable to integrate into the "normal" world. Also,
I was asexual; not sexually attracted to men or women. I tried to date
a girl once, but realised that the reason I liked her so much was not that
I fancied her.. I wanted to BE her! At 21 I couldn't go on living as I
was. I was a half-and-half and I was determined to be as complete
a person as I could be. After going the route of G.P. and local psychiatrist,
I started hormone therapy. To my relief, they told me that I was eligable
for National Health Service funding, but that the entire process was liable
to take up to four years. I had determined that since I had little of a
past, few friends, and nothing to bind me to where I lived, I would move
away from home and with the help of a friend, start a new life. Therefore
at 24, I left my past behind, moved to a different town and started my
life over. I changed my name legally, and started working on my appearance.
I was still unimpressed by "girly" clothes, and was far happier in jeans
and a top. A few months later I got a job. Thankfully, and with the help
of my genetic condition, my appearance and presentation meant that no-one
suspected I was anything other than I appeared. I was succeeding. I was
going "stealth"! To begin with, I was naive, shy and little clingy, but
luckily I met some female friends, started going out socially and step
by step improved in confidence and happiness. I also found a little more
pleasure in looking more feminine.
I should have had my final surgery when I was 28, but the NHS
in London lost my records, and forced me to go back to the beginning and
start assessment all over again. They didn't seem to recognise the fact
that I had been living successfully in my proper role for three years.
They didn't care. It took four more years to get a surgery date.
In August 1997, I finally had surgery at the hands of Mr Michael
Royle at Charing Cross Hospital, London.
After recuperating, which took two months, I went back to work
and for the first time in my life didn't have a predestined road ahead
of me, other than that of a normal female. Like many TSs, this was a revelation.
I was able to do ANYTHING I wanted. Go where I please. No, the surgery
didn't do that, but the ability to put it all behind me and press on with
life did. I spent a lovely Christmas with my sister and made the decision
to move back to my home town; face some demons! Other factors played a
part; more, better job opportunities, a stale social life in my adopted
home town and a need to do something positive.
I moved back in March 1998 and found a flat. Luckily, my office
was able to arrange a transfer, so the job was no hassle.
Since then, so many things have landed in my lap that I just
can't keep up! I'm going out more, doing consultation work, getting fitter,
playing better music, paying off debt and generally being 100% happier!
I've even seen a possibility of a resolution of the issue with my father.
Not yet, but soon I hope.
This page hosted by 
Get your own Free Home Page