August 20, 1999
Things have changed greatly this week. I've moved into a small, one room cabin, to complete my transition. My daughter's reluctance to support me made it too uncomfortable at home, so her mom is moving back in, and I'm moving. I'm still here right now, and since the cabin is so small, I can't begin to move all my stuff into it. It's like renting a room, except that the room is a cabin 30 feet uphill from the owner's house. I'm free to use the kitchen, bathroom, jacuzzi bath, etc. in her house, since the cabin doesn't have water or a kitchen. And I get my privacy, in the redwood solitude, five miles from the nearest town of 49 residents. It's so peaceful that when I woke up there the other day, I was crying, it felt so wonderful.

September 6, 1999
Things here are tolerable. My life is good, but my headspace is under a lot of stress. I guess I'm in the process of killing off Jack. I can't call myself anything but Lili or CJ, and can't do the Jack disguise just to appease my daughter when I go over to the house much longer.
Living in my cabin is good, I love it. It's about a half hour commute to work now, instead of six minutes, but I couldn't live with my daughter any longer, so her mom moved back into the house when I moved out. I'm paying half their rent, so our kid can go to beauty college, plus paying rent on this cabin, so my first-of-the-month paycheck is gone by the 5th of the month. So I'm digging into my SRS fund to pay for monthly bills. I have to do something about it, otherwise I'll have to go to Thailand when and if I decided to get it done. I don't need it at this time, but who knows what the future holds.
My love life has never been worse, since I was in high school, not surprisingly. Nuff said about that.
I thought going fulltime would solve most of my problems. Well, if I was happily married, maybe it would, but I'm so damn lonely that I practically cry everytime I get into the solitude of my car. I have several sweeties, but they are not lesbian, so they can't bring themselves to be involved with me, tho they allegedly love me. I don't get it, really, but then I've been this way all my life in my mind, so it seems perfectly natural to go have a drink wearing a skirt. Last night I went to have a glass of wine as Lili at the local brewpub, for the first time. The testosterone level in this town is very high, it runs in the streets practically, but I couldn't take it anymore, and the Hotel, where they know about me, was closed. So I said, screw it, I'm out, aren't I? A couple people who know me as Jack didn't notice me, but Sharon the bartender knew me right off, even with shades on. She's fine, I told her last week, when I was dressed neutrally, that I'm TS; she had asked why my right pinky fingernail is so long - thinking that it was because I dip snort with it. Truth is, that's the only one that hasn't broken, so to show her why, I flashed a breast at her. She caught on immediately. So last night, she recognized me, and said, you look nice, and I said so do you. She was pretty busy, so we didn't get much of a chance to talk. She called me Jack at one point, and I said Who? Who's Jack? She said, Oh, OK, so what's your new name, and I told her.
It was all right, but it didn't make me feel any better, and I cried half the way home. The loneliness won't be solved by transitioning. I don't know if I'll be getting around that anytime soon. No reason to expect that to change. I guess this is why transsexuals sometimes hook up together, because who else will jump into a relationship with one?
Whine whine whine whine whine.

October 31, 1999
Things are creeping along. Last week I received my work business cards that say Lili ______, Operations Director. About half a dozen people at work routinely call me Lili, but most still call me CJ, which is OK for awhile. Tomorrow night I do my first music program as Lili, in my new voice. When I'm all alone I can do it fine, so I'll just have to clear out the control room when I start, then close my eyes and talk intimately to the microphone. With some on-air practice, it should become semi-automatic, I hope, which will enable it to be usable in face to face situations. On recordings, I've fooled and amazed staff and friends. My promo cart for my show has been running for a week, and only one person has asked whether that was me with that sultry voice. One fella said, "I could listen to that voice all night. Who is she?" The postmaster last week hollered at me, "Hey Jack, I have some mail here for you." He hasn't called me Jack in months. I was wearing a long black floral skirt, with full makeup, so he shouldn't have made that mistake. There were several customers present, and I was mortified. Sure, it was an honest mistake, but I HATE being outed as a man when I'm being viewed by strangers as a woman. Oh well - get used to it, girl!

November 25, 1999
(a portion of a letter to a friend)
This is Thanksgiving day, and I'm thankful for the many wonderful friends I have, of whom I wasn't even aware 2 years ago. My life has taken a definite turn for the better. I'm a new person. I'm living as a woman now. I moved out of the house where I lived with my daughter in late August, and rented a very tiny cabin in the redwood and tanoak forest, so now I am Lili. My last name means "of the woods" in French, so I am truly me.
My co-workers are being very supportive, some of them call me Lili easily, others are still kind of choking on the name, others still call me CJ, which is OK because it's gender-neutral. In the small redneck community, I'm publicly open, but I don't go to certain stores, bars or restaurants anymore, so that I won't run into any redneck loggers that I used to know. People can recognize me from my earlier identity, unfortunately, but if they don't know I'm transsexual, they just assume I'm a crossdresser, and don't hassle me. I thought I'd be teased and verbally abused, but that's not the case. The worst that's happened is that during our pledge drive at the radio station, a couple people thought I was doing it for a publicity joke, like nutty DJ's at other radio stations do. That hurt, but I just said, no, it's no joke. I'm actually proud of being transsexual, and some people say it's a very cool thing to do. But I'm just doing what I genuinely HAVE to do.
Actually, I've been my only enemy. I've been so ashamed all my life for the thoughts that were in my head, but now that it's taken over my life, against my male ego's will, it's OKAY! I've sweated and agonized, feared that I'd be beaten with baseball bats, shouted at on the streets, but NONE of that has happened. There really is a God - and she's answered my prayers. I'm a girl - all I have to do is convince my friends. Strangers just assume that I AM female. Eleven months of hormones have worked wonders. I'm certainly not beautiful, but how many 46-year old women are? All I ask is that people see me as female.
I don't need or plan on gender reassignment surgery, but I somehow psychically see that as an eventuality. I don't know why or when, but it seems like it will happen.

January 21, 2000
Last Saturday I called three women friends to go to a club to hear the Beverly Stovall Blues Band, but no one was free. I even asked my friend Hank to go, just for company, but he was busy too. So I went alone.
Still in recovery from extensive electrolysis treatment, I wore no makeup, and was still unable to shave closely. So I didn't wear a skirt, instead wearing black levis, a snakeskin shirt and a suede vest. When I arrived, several women smiled at me sweetly, undoubtedly thinking I was a pretty guy. I sat down next to a woman friend I'd spotted, who was busy talking to an old highschool friend. A nearby attractive woman asked me to dance- some drunk was annoying her, so we danced to keep him away. During a ballad we danced closely, and she said, I could tell you're a gentleman. I replied, Well appearances can be deceiving. She asked my name, and I said, I have a lot of names. Yes, I could have said my name is Lili, since I haven't used any other name since the beginning of 2000, but I didn't really want to spoil the enjoyment of the moment. She and her friend soon left, and I sat back down with my friend, who was chatting with the band, while they were on break.
Afterwards we went for coffee, and over french fries she remarked that my eyebrows could use some shaping. I replied Sure - when? She said How about now? So we went to her house. Afterwards I spent the night, during a thunder and lightning storm. After a year of female hormones, my male equipment still works, and how. It was a night to remember.

Later in the Day:

This waiting a month before using makeup is driving me to distraction. OK, so I'm still Lili at work, this is my home after all, but I feel like my leftover hairs are still so visible without shaving, but I can't use concealor, the electro-safe foundation they gave me is like transparent, and I'll be damned if I'm going to walking around looking like an amateur crossdresser with a 5:00 shadow. So I wear pants. I was out last weekend like that - OK, so I got laid, it isn't all bad, but I hate being perceived as a guy so badly that I don't even want to be seen at all.
I talked to a hypnotherapist about having posthypnotic suggestions to use my female voice all the time, and to not feel shame about who I am. It hurts so bad sometimes that I so much wish I could just cut them off and know that I'm leaving all that behind, but I know it isn't like that. It wouldn't change who I am - a neurotic mess from Iowa, where transsexuals are thought of as equivalent to lepers. I love being me, I love all my other TS friends, but I allow my thoughts to drift and here I am, feeling like slime.

January 24, 2000

Well life goes on, doesn't it? Not much new except menial things which for some reason seem like they have great significance to me, but are really just little microsteps towards the goal of being a credible fully-functioning women in society. Right now I'm trying, but it is challenging.
The latest one was saturday night. I went to a theatre benefit for the station, opening night of the musical Oklahoma. I figured I'd be asked to pour wine, which I was, so I wore some nice pants & a sweater, like the other lesbian women whom I'd be with typically, but with light makeup. I was pouring wine, talking in as close to a female voice as I can maneuver, being introduced now and then as Lili. All was cool. Then a friend, Terri came in, gave me static cause I wasn't wearing a skirt, saying I look like a dyke, then she said c'mere. I figured she'd probably spritz me with perfume, but she whipped out a lipstick and flashed it across my mouth. She did it so quick I figured she must have made a mess of it, but she's a beautician, so she didn't. She said I needed a little color. But it was a good ten minutes before the bar action slowed enough that I could look in the mirror. It was fine, but the uncertainty really messed up my mood. Darn it, Terri! I was doing fine till she did that.
See what a mean? a very minor thing seems like a minor calamity in our position of uncertainty.
Actually hanging out at the theatres is a very positive thing for me. I have no experience, but the crowd is accepting, and they see what we're doing as somewhat theatrical, and the better we look and act, the more they seem to admire it. We're not performing, as far as we're concerned, but they don't know that. There has been no animosity from that crowd.
Very little animosity at all, except at the DMV last week when I tried to renew my car registration in Lili's name. The first clerk said that due to a new state law, I'd have to present a birth certificate in my NEW name and gender to do it. Which wasn't true, but I believed her and was horrified, because to get one I'd have to have a surgeon sign it, that I was now physically female. Which I'm not, and may never be!
So the next day I went back with my only birth certificate and the title to my car, and another clerk said no problem, processed it, and handed me my new registration with Lili's name printed on it! The first clerk was just being a holier-than-thou creep.
This morning I was thinking about what Renee wants me to do, go solo professionally as a femme vocalist. I'm scared s__tless of doing that. I was soaking in the bathtub before going to work, and worried myself into a total depressed state of mind, and cried for a half hour. Probably hormonal, but it's such a bummer to be this afraid of my new life. Like worrying about: do I wear a skirt, or don't I, how much makeup if any, and worst of all, when I answer the phone at work in my guy voice, and panicking when they ask who they're speaking to. I can't reply in a baritone that my name is Lili! I quit using my male name after the New Year. So I just don't answer that question, but assist them despite that. Today one woman said at the end of her call, well thank you, whoever you are.
Today I had to order office supplies by phone, so I did it in the best female voice I could manage. The clerk asked my name, I said Lili, he asked "Lili what", I said "Lili ______". He asked "Do you want a prefix?" I asked "what do you mean?" He said "like, Mr, Ms, Miss?" I said, "oh I don't care - Ms, I guess." So I placed the order, then he says, "Thank you sir," as he hung up. Boy, did that ever piss me off. Possibly inadvertant on his part, but obviously my voice didn't pass.
It's OK really, it's all part of transitioning, and it's better than living as a guy, for sure. I guess this is in a way similar to the kind of stuff regular women have to go thru, sometimes condescending attitudes from both men AND women, on the job and on the streets. But mostly fascinated stares, and sometimes skeptical, belittling attitudes on the phone when I say my name is Lili, and they don't believe I'm female.

February 9, 2000
I was asked this week whether or not I'd be interested in participating in a panel discussion on gender, for a women's studies class at a nearby college. I said I would be willing to participate. I think this will be fun, and I don't have any problem speaking candidly and sincerely about transitioning. I just hope I don't speak too candidly! I have to remember that I'm trying to present a serious and professional image. I've even been thinking of having this beautician friend of mine who's been dying to get her hands on my face and hair do a makeover on me the day of the presentation. I do OK on makeup, but I don't do much with my hair, and I'm awful at doing eye makeup. I usually just skip them, except for a little mascara, therefore I look kind of bland. I have a very professional-looking skirt suit that I was thinking about wearing for the panel. Actually it's a kind of tweedy jacket I got when I was a somewhat androgeneous-looking 16 year old, with a skirt I found which matches it really well.
I'm under such a crunch here at work, that I may have to drop my Blues radio program. I already had to drop my TS group therapy. It's just too far to drive to Marin County on Monday evening, then be at work the next day at 6:00 AM. It will be nice to save the money, and maybe I'm at a point in my transition that I can carry on without the reassurance and validation of my peers. I'm thinking of going for individual therapy, to focus on my clinical depression, and maybe - hopefully - lick that. I would be SO much better off, and have a much more pleasant experience in this transition if I could be rid of that. One only transitions once, and I really want to make it as positive as possible. It's been just horribly difficult for me, at least the first few months of HRT were, that I really want to switch my attitude. Yesterday I had a great time helping my friend move, and met some of her close friends. Then I went to have coffee, and as I sat in the bakery I felt myself coming down, into a state of mild misery. Then I realized I hadn't taken my effexor, which I usually do mid-morning, and by then it was about 4:30 pm. No wonder I was feeling low.

February 12, 2000
I had a consultation with a friend today, in preparation for the panel discussion I've been asked to participate in, on gender identity, for a women's studies course at the nearby college. I said sure, then thought I'd better get my act together for this! Terri used to be a professional fashion consultant and beautician. She said bring your clothes over, and we'll see what works. So I dragged all this stuff over, and she gave me some combinations that work, and told me a couple of combinations that won't work. Everything I brought over she said looks fine, if used properly. That was good news - she didn't advise me to throw it all out and start over!
I saw Dana Rivers on Oprah the other day, my boss taped it and suggested I might want to see it. That was a good thing to see before this. I want to let these people know how serious this transition thing is. It would be nice if this presentation was far away, say in the south seas, but maybe some other time. I'm kind of nervous about it. It was one of the station's board of directors members who asked me, so apparently it will be fine with them. Not that it matters. I'll say what I do for a living, but not which station. As if they'd never guess - the one with all the lesbian, gay, AIDS, lefty stuff, obviously!
I'm becoming kind of an underground figure of notariety around here. The gay guys group, the Billy Club, suggested throwing a coming out party for me, but I told my friend who approached me about it that's not what I need - a big party with 30 or 40 gay dudes - not really my idea of a good time. Just send money instead, & I'll throw my own party, with 30 or 40 gay WOMEN! Life is good lately. I feel completely recovered from my recent period of emotional breakdown, that I've been under for a year and a half.
It occurred to me that I've always been nostalgic for earlier periods of my life, but NO MORE. I'm just looking 100% into the future now, and the future looks good to me. I've faced the monsterous python that was always ready to pounce on me, and managed to tie a bow around it's neck, and kissed it goodbye. This ugly world is only ugly if you can't handle it - I think I can handle it now.

February 14, 2000
Right now I'm feeling quite shredded. I went to the brewery after work, and the bartender ladies were talking about the valentines and candy they got, etc, and then the manager, D______, asked, "what's your name again? I know it's something easy, I just can't remember." She wasn't working there for awhile. I said, Lili. She stood there with her mouth open, and asked, "- Lili??" I said yup, and she said OK, Lili, will you be eating dinner? I said no. Then I went out on the deck with my wine, because I was wearing a wool sweater & skirt, and it was stifling inside. She eventually came out for a smoke, and I asked, "Do you want to hear the story?" She said yeah. So I told her all about it. SHe said, "Yeah, I heard someone talking about it, named CJ, but I didn't know who they were talking about."
Then she went back inside. This guy asked if I wanted to go smoke pot, but I said no. So I sat there, thinking about Valentines day, being alone, thinking about LAST valentines day, being alone, when I decided I should give my handgun to Wendy, so I wouldn't use it, and realized I didn't feel THAT much better this year than I did last year. Then the tears started flowing.
It seems like since M______ saw me as Lili, she hasn't been all that affectionate. Typical. That's the way it seems to work for me. Women love the big male act I used to put on, this sensitive sweet guy, then when they see who I really am, it cools right off. Oh sure, we'll be friends, but it won't be the same.
I think I'd better fork over $90 and see a shrink again. I can't stand this.

February 18, 2000
The panel discussion at the college went very well. It was very academic. I dressed conservatively, with a gray turtleneck, below the knee gray skirt, gray pumps and a black velvet blazer. I figured I looked like a teacher.
On the panel there were a lesbian special education instructor, a psychotherapist, another teacher(both women) and a male teacher. I was introduced as a transsexual radio technician and DJ.
That the discussion was too short was the main comment made. The questions were not directed at any one in particular. I just said that I think gender identity is established before birth, and social identity is establised by family, peers, school and the media, particularly television in my generation. In my case I was socialized as a male. The panelist who was lesbian said that at an early age, she would tell people she wanted to be a boy, but then learned that that wasn't the best thing to say. She kept waiting to start being attracted to boys, but it never happened. Most the other responses were fairly predictable. I enjoyed it, and made a DAT recording of it, which is low in volume, but very audible.

February 22, 2000
God am I tired. I got a nice call during my blues program last night, from a woman who said I don't know her & she doesn't know me, but knows about me, and lives on the coast. Said she loves my voice (female) on the Blues show, but hates my morning voice (male), saying I sound dead in the morning. I told her he is dead. She said I should use the female voice all the time. I said I'd love to, but that the manager wants me to keep using the baritone during the morning shift. Told her she should tell the manager what she thinks, because telling me that will accomplish nothing really. Not as long as I have to spend the first 3 hours pretending to be a guy, 5 days a week. I mentioned it to Laurie and Sharane, the 2 women who do the midnight show, and they said, oh yeah! - lets hear it. I said I can't. I can do it when it's just me and the microphone, or with complete strangers, but can't do it with people who know me as CJ. Sharane said just pretend you're acting. I said I can't act anymore, I was acting for too many years. Laurie is real bad at referring to me as a he, and with her doing that and the discussion about my voice, I had to get the hell out of there. I went out into another studio to change light bulbs, and another woman, Sharon, followed me out, and gave me a great big long hug, said they love me, and that they really want to support me, that I'm a wonderful person, etc etc. That was very sweet, but that really made me cry. I managed to wait till I got outside, in my car, then it all cut loose.
People can be so terrific, but others can be so unaware about what's going on sometimes. Laurie is very nice, but if she keeps making that faux pas, I can't be around her. I'm too vulnerable after my program, that late at night, when I take my antidepressants at 4:30 am. They're wearing off by 10 pm, and after being Lili Laveau for 2 hours, and she calls me him, it f**ks my head up too badly. Then I wake up the next morning, like today, still thinking about that.
That's how I feel today. Recovering from yet another shredding. It's SO HARD to be two people of opposite genders. How can I get out of this quandry? What do I have to do - present my amputated testicles on a platter?? would that make people catch on??
It didn't help much, having spent 3 hours with my daughter helping her work on her car earlier yesterday. She did most of the work, we were fixing her power window, she took the motor out, and we were immobilizing it so it wouldn't come open. It was nice to be with her really, and it was SO GOOD for her to see what I've been up against all these years, when I've had to be working on the cars. I'm not geared that way! and neither is she. We get along very well, on some levels. She didn't mention my pink nail polish - I thought maybe she'd say how bad it looks, half worn off after that panel discussion last thursday, and offer to do them for me - she's a pro - but she didn't. Maybe someday.

February 24, 2000
In a letter to a friend who is about to come out at work, I mentioned that our manager left me the freedom to do whatever I felt best in announcing my change on the air. I chose not to announce it. I almost did, during a pledge drive, pitching for a Gay public affairs program, but the main pitcher kind of indicated she'd rather I didn't, since the priority was pitching, not personal testimony - although I've found testimony to be an effective pitching tool. So I shut up, and haven't said anything. Most of the people here in town know what I'm doing, but are not making any attempt to embarrass me on the air during the call-in public affairs program, or anything like that. People here really respect me, after 20 years, and now they know why I don't fight, have long hair, am soft-spoken, etc.
The management wants me to keep CJ's wonderful baritone voice for the news, so I am NOT going to say, "Hi this is Lili" using that voice on the air! If they want a disembodied voice of a dead person with no name to read the morning news, so be it. Can't really say I blame her, but it makes my personal development as a woman much more difficult when I have to talk like a guy for the first 3 hours of my workday, 5 days a week. My air voice started off kind of sultry, with a southern accent, which was criticized, since I've lost my southern Iowa accent over the past 20 years. But it was no problem to fall back into it, as a distraction from the fact that Lili Laveau has an odd timbre to her voice. I got some compliments on that voice, but I kind of dropped the accent. Now on my airchecks I hear myself sounding kind of spacey, since I'm trying to think about what I'm saying and maintain the voice itself. As a result, I sound kind of distracted, which ties in with no real emotional inflections or emphasis in my voice, that professional radio women usually utilize. It will come, I'm sure. Someday.
I think that at first people, even some close friends think Bluesmasters is hosted by a woman. Some people can eventually recognize the similarity in the way Lili speaks to the way the morning news person does, and either know what I'm doing, or just think that CJ is pulling some sort of role-playing game. I don't have a real problem with that interpretation, for now.
The local newspaper but out by local psycho homophobe editor mentioned me in print this week for the first time using my new name, tho he spelled Lili wrong. In reference to a call he made to our manager, he said, "..Her majesty, Lilly (sp) ______ informed me, was of course otherwise engaged, and would be for the rest of both our natural lives. (Lilly is always polite, but then Jack was too.) He wants to do a big exposee I'm sure, but hasn't. Maybe I should do a big article for him, but I don't really want to do him any favors to sell his tabloid.
On our airways, transsexuality hasn't been discussed, except on national shows like This Way Out, Fresh Air and All things Considered. So I don't really care to go into it. My friend Diane was made a national figure when she came out at a nearby community college where she taught math, and of course everyone knows Dana Rivers. I don't really want to see myself in that spotlight - yet. I don't speak that well yet. But I'm sure there are other TSes on the radio.

March 1, 2000
Last weekend was very gloomy hormonally. I was very bummed, then I realized it was hormonal, when I found myself laughing and crying at the same time. My housemates accidently poured vinegar culture into 5 gallons of their beautiful and tasty apple wine, besides the 2 gallons of hard cider which they had intended to make into vinegar. So now they have 7 gallons of it, and no wine. I suggested they open a restaurant and call it The House of Vinegar, and while were laughing over their plight, I found myself about to burst into tears. I slipped away and got to my cabin before I lost it. That's OK when that happens, but the rest of the weekend I was bumming about having no prospects of a girlfriend in my present circumstances, no chance of turning my life back (or any desire to!) Last Friday I thought this woman was inviting me over to watch videos because I thought she was interested, as my friend told me she was, but when I got there, she was with a guy. She probably invited me over so she wouldn't be the only woman there. It was OK, we had a lively discussion on the creation of the solar system, and watched the video, which turned out to be a documentary on the subject, but I was sitting there thinking, boy did I misread this situation - again. It took me all weekend to recover from that blunder. So I'm seeing a new shrink next Wednesday, for help in overcoming my urge to find a partner, and to learn to enjoy being a single woman. I actually like my current freedom to stay out as late as I want, or all night, without having to call to say when I'll be home. But I miss the love and companionship that I had with my spouse. You can't have it both ways.

March 17, 2000
This has been quite a week. I received approval from station management to read the morning news as Lili on Tuesday. So Wednesday morning, Lili read the morning news for the first time. I never give my name when I do a newsbreak, so it wasn't till 9:00 AM public affairs call-in program that I said to our News Director, "Hi Annie", and she cheerfully said, "Hi, Lili. Lots of people know Lili as CJ, but CJ was just transitional, and it's really Lili. So hi, Lili!"
Annie was so cool about it, I could have kissed her. We got a couple of calls saying what a brave thing it is I'm doing, but I just said "It was more like survival. I couldn't go on living the way it was, so I found that my will to survive overcame my fear. Kind of like storming the beach at Normandy, you could take your rifle and blow your brains out before you disembark, or you can just go for it."
One jerk called and asked, "Does this mean we're finally rid of that creep Jack?" It makes me wonder whether if I break his jaw the next time I see him, will having his mouth wired shut keep him from calling in for awhile?
So I've burned the last bit of my safety net in coming out as transsexual on the air. But I'm a bit calmer now at work. I am completely who I am, for the first time in my life. This is me, and if you don't like it, you can just turn the channel to another station.