If you don't like my peaches, please don't shake my tree - about a year after starting HRT
April 10, 2000
Well, I went to the local tabloid (never again will I refer to it as a newspaper.) We didn't
come to blows, but we might as well have.
For the third time, his bodyguards (this time his charming wife) told me he was too busy to
see me. I said it seems that he's avoiding talking to me. She said, no, he's just too busy.
That really pissed me off. All my frustration and humiliation from the past year and a half
exploded in me. I starting yelling for him to leave my personal life out of his "newspaper".
Yelled It's driving me crazy! Then I hollered, "YOU HEAR THAT, A________??" Then I apologized
humbly to his wife. She said she's used to it.
He finally came down from his crows nest, and started yelling at me for coming there and
yelling. He said, "I never wrote about your personal life!" I said "Bullshit, you wrote about
it four times! Here, you wanna read it?" and reached for two of the issues. He hollered, "NO!" and turned, starting to walk away. I
said, "Just keep my personal life out of the paper!" He replied, "When you make a public
announcement on the radio, that makes it public!" and went back inside his fortress.
But I never made a public announcement. This proves it - he's delusional. He denies writing
what he wrote, refuses to look at what he wrote, then claims that I said something on the
radio that I never said. I just responded to Annie and well-wishers, when annie informed
listeners that my name is Lili.
I can't wait to see what he writes about this. "Transsexual blows his/her top?" Well, I
might have to buy this next issue to see, altho I swore I would never again buy his rag.
I'm sorry that I cast such an unpleasant pallor over our situation. But I confronted the
biggest bully in town, for which Annie, our News Director congratulated me, saying I did what countless others
have wanted to do but didn't.
April 14, 2000
I wrote a letter to the editor of the local paper, which I told him is not for publication. But I'll publish it here:
Hi Mr. Anderson,
This is NOT for publication. I appreciate your not printing anything further about my life changes in this week's paper.
There were several things I meant to discuss with you when I came to your office on Monday, but when I was again unable to see you - on my 4th attempt, my exasperation got the best of me. What follows is what I meant to say to you.
The thing is, I've been trying to keep as low a profile as possible, while holding onto my 40 to 80 hour a week job, which pays my rent. I stopped using my name on the air over a year ago, but the other people here keep referring to me by name on the air. On one of the call-in shows recently, people called me by 3 different names. It makes me almost sick to be called Jack, since Jack was just a role I played, in my attempt to seem like a normal guy.
The fact is, I can't continue to act like a male any longer, when I don't feel like one, and never really have felt like one. And to be jerked back into that role when someone calls me by the old name is not easy for my mind to deal with. It seems to throw me back into that role, complete with the miserable state of mind I used to live in. I've been rid of that feeling for awhile, and to be dragged back there emotionally is extremely uncomfortable.
My life is much the same as before; I'm still clinically depressed, but the other problem being dealt with makes it SLIGHTLY better now.
The other thing is that my kid is still extremely uncomfortable about my changes, and still won't discuss it with me. For her to read about it in the only local paper over and over must be almost as painful for as it is for me.
Before your recent reporting on me, I was able to carry on my new life in the valley without much alienation. Everyone I know is extremely supportive, and if they knew about me they tried to keep a respectful feeling of normalcy around me. It was OK. I looked like some anonymous female tourist possibly, to people who didn't know.
But now all the local straight people openly stare at me when I'm eating in a local place. I can't imagine now going into the local redneck bar, like I used to do before whenever I felt like it. You made sure that EVERY local person had every opportunity to learn that "he" is now she.
My "announcement" on the radio consisted of Annie E. saying that though lots of people know me as CJ, it's really Lili - CJ was just transitional. And that was it - except for a couple calls of support for my courage. I still never put my name out on the air. But I did have to change my voice, to lead as normal a life as possible. Anyone who listens now either knows it's still me, or they just think I'm some kinda deep-voiced woman announcer. People at the station now call me Lili. Anything wrong with that? It's just a name, damn it. Jane Doe just wouldn't cut it. I might as well have something different. And this way my family doesn't have to have the same last name as me; Some of them are still sort of uncomfortable with it all.
Bruce, if you have a hard time using my new name, and lots of people do, just don't talk about me, OK?
In the March 22nd issue of the paper, you printed on page 9: "...I've known the guy for 25 years. It's going to take me awhile to adjust to his new ID...Whoever, whatever he is, put him on!"
Then four paragraphs down the page, you said, in reference to people who question your belief regarding the Bari car-bombing: "...Because you can or cannot believe something is not an argument, idiot-child. Grow up."
Do you see the contradiction in your attitudes here, Mr. A____________? Because you don't want to use my name doesn't make your attitude more reasonable, or your contempt any more justified. Please take your own advice and grow up. This is the way things are, and there is nothing you can do or say that will change the facts. Just please let Jack rest, OK? He seemed like a nice guy, but he wasn't real. I am the real thing.
Incidentally, I've only lived here for 21 years, not 25 as you printed.
There are dozens of violent transgender murders every year, in every state in the USA. I've grown very comfortable here in the Valley, having learned how supportive this community is. But now it feels different. There are young phobic teenagers in every community, who, when fortified with alcohol, collectively are not afraid of harassing people they consider different. Please don't stir up any tar and feathers just yet, and don't further spread the attitude that someone who is different is someone who needs fingers pointed at them.
Furthermore, our little discourse in the parking lot of your office was no more disruptive than on October 12th, 1993 when you and 20-odd others stormed the station's control room, howling like coyotes and demanding the airways. If you recall, I was the only one who stood up to you all then, and kept from putting a bunch of yelling protesters on the air, as was demanded. I resisted hostility then, and I can resist it again.
If you want to wrap your hatred in the constitutional Freedom of the Press defense, go ahead; just remember that in the same document, the Pursuit of Happiness is also protected. I have the right to exist in this country with dignity, and I will fight for that right, if need be, until my death.
(I offer my apology to your gracious wife for having to find herself caught up in our exchange. I'm sorry, Ms. A_____________.)
Sincerely,
L. D_____
April 28, 2000
Yesterday I had my adam's apple removed, so this summer I can be au natural, at least from the boobs up. No more turtlenecks or scarves, once I get the stitches out. Yay!
The job is good. I'm Lili on air and off, use my new voice on the air all the time, and everyone says I sound good and easy to listen to. Some people seem to think I'm a woman by my voice, at least on the phone. As I get involved in talking, like on my blues show or on news casts, I still kind of slowly drop in pitch, but that's changing slowly, as my vocal cords get used to the effort.
The local tabloid, thoroughly trashed me several weeks ago because of my efforts to stop them from commenting about my transition. As a result of his work, I'm out totally, locally now, whether I like it or not; so it goes. I just see people openly staring at me around town now, like they figure it's OK, since I'm in the paper and everything. I'm thinking about writing an article for a local women's magazine, if they'll have me, about being mentally female, in denial, living a male life, and how I kicked that habit. Maybe that will allow me to meet more women in the area who are open-minded. I need my social life to expand. I'm kinda popular still, but no one ever calls me, and anything I want to do I have to generate myself. My friend who used to call me to do something every weekend has a new boyfriend, and that's stopped pretty much, tho we email daily. My dear friend E still is single, and has time for me, & we support each other in our trevails. She offered to drive me to and from my surgery, and we had a great time talking, as always. She is the nicest person I know.
Well I'm at the public library, and it's time to put another nickel in the meter, which I don't have, so I have to go break a $20 bill somewhere.
May 30, 2000
I had a great weekend. It seems that my depression is completely under control for the time being, due to a change in medication.
So I felt great. On Saturday I played a gig, at an outdoor music festival on the coast, filling in on lead guitar & slide with a friend's band. It went REAL well, though I wasn't altogether happy about my playing; but the band seemed quite satisfied.
After the set, a couple guys came up to talk to me. One seemed like a sort of big redneck guy, who seemed to be convinced I was a genetic woman. I got away from him after talking a couple minutes, so as not to seem to rude. The other guy came up and asked me, "Where'd you learn to play slide like that?" I told him I started off with a broken bottle neck, etc. We had a nice conversation about slide guitar tunings, and he later bought me a glass of wine, which was very nice.
That evening I went to the coast to see a friend. We ended up going with a bunch of friends to the local Inn. I was sitting with another woman on the porch having a drink when this guy comes up, and asked, "Are you ladies enjoying yourselves?" or something similar. I said we were, and we talked for a few minutes. He asked, "Do you ladies have boyfriends or anything?" He did not beat around the bush. I said no, my friend said she's married. So he zeroed in on me. Why don't you have a boyfriend? Because I prefer women.
Oh, so do you hate men?
No, some of my best friends are men.
So why do you prefer women, are you not into sex? Can you have an orgasm, etc. I said yes, I can have an orgasm. At about this point, I said, you know, my plumbing might not be exactly what you think. I used to live as a male. I was born male.
He seemed to be absolutely amazed. Couldn't believe it - so he said. Anyway, he said he still thought I looked "really hot." Said he still wanted to kiss me. So I let him. (We were in his car in the parking lot, by this time.) So I let him kiss me. Not that he asked if he could, he just did. I did NOT enjoy it. I felt like I was being kissed by a big warm-blooded fish mouth. I told him, this is not working. So he stopped. As I was getting out of the car, he said, "I thought I'd found a woman I could fuck tonight." I told him, "Well there's still time. See you later."
We have a gig this Saturday at a winery. We sound pretty good, good enough to get regular gigs, if there were any regular gigs available. But 4 of us don't really want to play without getting paid, and this culturally non-supportive area thinks that musicians should play for alms, so we remain just a party band. The guy who got the gig asked me whether I could not appear as Lili for the gig, or at least not wear a skirt, which I generously offered to do, due of course to the conservative nature of the owners of the winery. That will be kind of odd, to try to be a guy for the afternoon. But that way I can sing my old songs without seeming odd to have a guy's voice coming from what appears to be a woman. I've had to wear dumb outfits over the years to play music, when I was on the road we wore pink tuxedos, Las Vegas lounge jumpsuits, and all that, so I guess I can wear levis and a shirt without makeup for an afternoon. I won't bind my breasts though!
This guy I met at a party on Sunday just called me to have coffee with him this afternoon. I said sure. This should be interesting. Maybe I should have held out for a steak dinner. He's a guitarist too. I'd so much rather go out with women. It bums me out. but you can't always get what you want, can you? Lord have mercy on me.
June 9, 2000
Things were going well for me, for the past few weeks, until today. I found the proper antidepressant, celexa, to combat my depression. It really works for me! Things were looking really great. I was speaking in my female voice on the air every day, and getting good comments on it from my TS friends when I talk to them on the phone, etc.
But today the boss called me into her office, and said she's gotten a replacement for me in the morning news shift, and my public affairs call in show. Huh? Say what?
She was finally responding, or at least referring to a letter I wrote to her months ago, one day when I was feeling like I was having another nervous breakdown at work. No one else was there that day, I had a bulk mailing to handle by myself on top of my regular daily work. It was too much, with the agony of depression that was torturing me that particular day. I wrote this letter full of typos, since a fit of depression impairs one's brain abilities, which is the cause of the depression itself - the brain unable to utilize its problem solving and optimism abilities. Anyway, I told her I didn't know how long I could handle the job, since I couldn't think straight. So it seems that she's been trying to find a solution for me, so I could go crash and burn without the responsibilies of the job. In short, she was saying I was not doing my job properly, and she was handing me what I consider a cheesecloth parachute: she discontinues my position, thus I can be laid off, and collect unemployment, and try to live on about half of my salary, with no insurance or prescription coverage. It sounds like I could either afford to pay rent, or buy my hormones and antidepressants.
I couldn't accept that offer! I asked, Is it because I don't sound good enough on air? meaning my Lili voice. She said, well a few months ago when you gave me a sample tape, it sounded OK, neither definitely male or female, but now you don't sound convincing. (Because I pinch my throat and speak in a head voice, as per Melanie Phillips instruction tape.) That hurt when she told me that.
I told her, L____, lots of times when I answer the phone here, they think I'm you or Mary! She seemed surprised by that, and not pleased particularly.
Anyway, it looks like I may be eased out soon. So I guess Monday, I'll go back to my "androgenous" voice, which to me sounds like nothing more than a slightly high male voice. Maybe I'll forego my makeup and just wear pants and a guy's shirt too.
The management is supposedly open-minded, but seems to be kind of conservative in terms of having me on the air. It's fine for women to wear pants everyday, but as a M2F transsexual, it's NOT the best thing for me to try to talk like I want to sound, like the woman I feel I am.
Well, that's enough complaining. We'll see where this goes. I've been told I should be able to make big money singing in gay bars, as a TS woman. But I had a trachea shave last month, and it took the top half-octave off my singing voice, and all I can do is hope it's coming back. Not too many jobs for a woman with male vocal cords. Sounds like I'm back to my old depressed self again, doesn't it? Well it was nice while it lasted. Hell is here on earth. We are in hell now.
AND NOW - FAN MAIL FROM SOME FLOUNDER:
"Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 21:52:34 -0700
From:at <_______>
To: K___ Mail
Subject: lili, get stuffed, okay?
Jack: your hormones do you no good. you didn't have any guts as a guy, and less as a girl. you and mary deserve each other."
That was a recent e-mail message from an old friend, whom I asked to stop coming around the workplace because she deliberately offended one of our clients this week during one of her frequent visits, and to stop calling in to our talk shows, because she slanders the local newspaper publisher. Well I'd slander him too, but my job won't permit it, and my job requires me to try to try to prevent such illegalities as slander and libel from happening on our airways.
Then she wrote a letter to the station manager and our board of directors about me, asking them to "fire him/her/it."
Ordinary people assume I'm an ordinary tall woman. But my old friends keep screwing it up for me. Two days ago, a brilliant and distinguished-sounding air personality who's known me for several years referred to me ON-AIR as "...Jack - I mean Lili..." I haven't used the name Jack in over a year now. I cringed, but what could I say?
I've been thinking about a certain guy a LOT these past couple days. He calls me at work at inopportune times, then when I try to call him back, he isn't there. He really likes me and I like him. Well it could be worse, and any attention as better than being ignored.
I'm going on vacation next week, if my car's axle gets fixed. I don't know where I'll go - maybe Big Sur? I haven't been there in 27 years, since 1973. How can that be 27 years ago? I was there as a young man nineteen years old, now I'll return as a middle-aged woman. Life is full of changes.
JUNE 22, 2000
I'm on vacation, and it could be a permanent vacation if I just lift a finger.
I was told to use up my vacation time and take a long rest. Me, rest? I don't think so. But I'm on vacation, stayed a couple days with a friend
