Lili singing at GenderArt 4 at ProArts Gallery in Oakland, July 9, 2001.
Patti, who produces GenderArt, is visible in the right foreground.

July 27, 2001
I miss Patti. We broke up about a month and a half ago. I just looked at her inscription in my guestbook, and it reminds me that I still love her. I know that I will have other lovers, but she and I seemed like we were one unit sometimes.
I really felt like going out for a drink tonight, but stayed home instead, and drank orange juice, just like almost every other night. It's healthier, but lonelier than hanging out with a bunch of festive losers in a bar somewhere.

July 5, 2001
Yesterday was FUN. A friend and I went to a barbecue at a club in Hayward for the 4th of July, hung out with some friends, shot pool and played darts. My pool playing was terrible. Pistachio went along, and she made lots of friends. Afterwards we came home, then the fireworks outside started. A family down the street was shooting some off, and we watched them for awhile, till I got the idea to go up on the roof, as others were shooting off fireworks that we couldn't see from the deck.
Watching fireworks from the roof of the condo was GREAT. They were everywhere, visible from the next block to miles away. It seemed like being in the middle of the seige of Vicksburg.
I've been feeling so good lately it's amazing. My life has come around again. I'm still editing my novel, but am ready to start searching for a publisher.
I went out to my car, and locked myself out of the house a little while ago. All the doors were locked, so I had to scale the front of the house to a 2nd story deck to get in, without a ladder. This guy across the street saw me, climbing up to the 2nd floor in a long skirt - Musta blown his mind.

August 11, 2001
I's been an up-and-down couple of weeks. Things are very good overall. I saw Patti again last night at a meeting. Afterwards she, a friend and I went out for dinner. It was so great to spend a little time with Patti again.
Therapy is making some breakthroughs it seems. I had a dream last night about being a little kid looking through the upstairs closets and cupboards, and the guilt and fear of being caught that it brought. I told Linda all about it, and that I resented the guilt that had been instilled in me at such an early age for my desires to be a girl. There was nothing wrong with me really, and to be forced to be a boy was really crushing to my spirit. I just wanted to be who I was supposed to be, and having had to deny that to myself really messed me up.

August 12, 2001
I met a guy tonight who came on REALLY strong. I stalled him off. He wanted to take me out to dinner, So I said I'd meet him for a drink, and we'd see about having dinner afterwards. He claimed all kinds of outrageous affection for me, but it was undoubtedly just a line, and didn't know that I'm not your average lifelong woman. This should be interesting. it's a wonderful world we live in hon .. it's the small, nice surprises that makes an otherwise *sad life* happier. - Cynthia

Well the guy didn't show up. It's just as well. I didn't really want to see him anyway. But nevertheless I got all dressed up, wearing this grecian looking gown, and wore my hair up; since he'd called me a goddess, I thought I'd show him what a goddess looks like.

August 28, 2001
We became very worried about a friend, Janis Ryan, after we received a call that another friend couldn't Locate her. We went to her house today, no one answered our knock on the door, and the mail hadn't been checked recently. We called the police, and they responded. The couldn't force the front door, but made it in the back, and found our friend in the living room, slumped against the front door. She'd apparently been there for a week or so, seemingly deceased from natural causes. We're quite devastated.
This week has been a bit much. Saturday I went to a party at the home of a musician I'd met a month or so ago. I took Pistachio along, since it was a ways away, and she loves trips. The music was a bit too loud for my old 25 watt Fender. I was turned up full blast, and people said they couldn't hear me. Typical - I hadn't been told the party would be outside. But later we went inside, after dark, and I plugged in my acoustic, which was plenty adequate inside. The host of the party was playing his Steinway grand, and his playing was amazing. Others played very well too.
The next day, I went home through San Francisco, and decided to busk in the Castro, where I thought lots of dignitaries would be passing through for the International Lesbian and Gay Association worldwide conference in Oakland this week. Wrong. I played for maybe an hour and a half, but the tips were very meager. I was sort of waiting for some friends who were meeting in front of the BART, but it got very windy, and I couldn't see waiting for another hour for them, so I left, since I had to get up early the next day.
Monday I got up around 6 to go to Oakland, where I was to sing for the conference, at the Federal Building. Michelle Garcia played guitar, two impressive instrumental pieces, then I played. I did Life Rolls On and my own song Prescription For The Blues. It went over very well, although I felt that I could have done better - my voice was working well, for a change, but I didn't take any chances, although I thought later I should have gone further into the higher register. I gave Patti a ride home, after the whole day was over. She was co-host of the entire day's events, and was typically awesome. I perform again Thursday.
I still haven't submitted any paperwork for reassignment surgery. I really want it soon, but with the passport I have to obtain and flight arrangements to Thailand, I haven't really done everything.

September 1, 2001
Got the go ahead from my gender therapist for SRS in Thailand! Now just the travel paperwork and medical exam, then I can go. Woo-hoo!
Spent more time with Patti this week. Big fun! Played at another Gender Art performance in Oakland, and sang Ain't Got Nothin But the Blues, my own song Just One More Day, and Women Be Wise. The other performers were terrific! Ashley brought down the house. What a ball!
Last night we had a peer support meeting in Berkeley, which Patti and I facilitated, and it dealt with Janis Ryan's passing. Everyone was so shocked and devastated. Janis was so sweet, gentle and kind to everyone, and a great supportive friend. The community lost a major member and a real mover this month.

September 19, 2001
I've been going thru the reasons I want/need SRS in my mind. Mainly I want to complete what I started. Some people can live in their new gender role without it just fine, but not me.

September 24, 2001
Today I booked my flight to Bangkok for SRS this fall. I'll be there about 5 weeks, to do a bit of exploring before surgery and to give me plenty of time to recover from surgery for the flight back. There will be enough layover in Tokyo to dilate, if possible to do that in an airport. I've been having a bit of a hassle trying to get the passport service to give me a female passport. It looks do-able, but I'll probably have to have my passport in my old name, since I never paid a judge to change it and printed it in the newspaper. I'm just stubborn I guess. I can wear pants on the plane on the way over, and on the way back I'll be post-op so there should be no problem there.
I'm starting to get excited about this. It occurred to me that although I remember sex as a male with women was very nice, possibly the major thing about it was it was a bit of validation of myself as a male, and I have no desire for that feeling. I don't want anyone to think of me as any kind of male.
About 7 weeks until my SRS. Primarily it will be a relief to be able to do things like go to a health club again, go swimming in public without being nervous that something will show, and that I won't be beaten and left for dead or murdered because I have external genitals despite my appearance and current life. And maybe I can finally NOT be distracted from having a normal life again.

October 7, 2001
This past week I had to go to Mendocino County, to speak on a panel about alternative sexuality in a rural area, and I wanted to go see a production of A Little Night Music in Fort Bragg, so I decided to stay over for 3 days. I asked my friend E, who is an artist, if she wanted to go along, having never been to Mendocino, and she did. We had a great time. We arrived Wednesday morning just before noon, and the panel started at one. There were two lesbian women, two gay men, and I was the only TS person. We each got a chance to speak for about five minutes, and when I was finished, I received terrific applause. I guess they thought I was brave or something for speaking so frankly, and surviving transition in a small town. E said I did very well, and that my presentation was best - but she might have been slightly prejudiced in my favor
Afterwards we shot pool, went to Mendocino, went to lots of art galleries, hobnobbed with artists, went drinking, visited friends, and had a ball.

October 11, 2001
Yesterday I had genital electrolysis, in preparation for my SRS. It wasn't bad. The anesthetic, lidocaine with ephinephrine, usually is excruciating in the face, but it wasn't quite as horrible in the groin area, amazingly. Then during the zapping itself, I couldn't feel any of it, until four hours were almost up. I even fell asleep for a few minutes here and there. Afterwards, my body was a mess - the area was all black, blue and purple, and swollen to the size of a tennis ball.
I stopped for a cup of coffee at Carla's afterwards, and met some new people, and went out for dinner with one woman. We had a great conversation.

October 17, 2001
I'm still feeling very uncomfortable and raw from the electrolysis last week. I feel like my underwear is lined with sandpaper, or possibly fiberglass insulation. At least the swelling has gone down. Maybe this is conditioning for the upcoming discomfort from reassignment surgery, scheduled for less than four weeks from now.
People are asking whether I'm excited, and really no, I'm not all that excited. Its not like my life will change much. So what's the big deal? Why am I doing this, anyway? It's just that my present condition is preventing me from feeling like a natural woman in my mind, or something along those lines. I won't have to worry about anyone discovering I have external genitals. I'll still have more facial electrolysis to complete, so it's not as if my "self-improvement project" will be finished after surgery. It's just one more step. October 21, 2001
Please dear Goddess, guide Dr. Preecha's hand well for me

October 22, 2001
It seems people around town are talking about me. One imbicile read me, and is telling everyone he knows that I'm TS. It's starting all over again. Oh well - I had a year of successful stealth life, It was nice while it lasted. All I have to do is move to another town, and I can be anonymous again.

October 24, 2001
Letter to a friend: I was thinking that I should maybe tell you, one of my close friends, why it is that I'm having reassignment surgery, since you seemed a little shocked that I'm going thru with it. Its not like I have a big choice. I hate being a freak. But I'd rather continue to be a freak than go back to living as a guy. I hated it so much, it was like I felt like my body was covered with slime or filled with sludge, and I was like angry all the time that it had to be that way. I don't know why exactly. But I finally gave up on thinking that meeting the right person would make my life worth living as a man. I don't think anyone could do that. I met a woman, and She and I hit it off real well in the fall of '98. I spent a few days & nights with her, but I felt I HAD to tell her I was transsexual. She pretended to take it well, but then she dropped me as soon as she could. She broke my heart big time, more than anyone ever did before. Not that she was the finest woman in the world, but I'd really told her the truth, hating to do it, because I thought she'd drop me, and she did, when I was at the most vulnerable condition ever. I cried and cried over that one, took it real personally. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Anyway, one by one the several women whom I was close to each made it clear that there was no chance of me being with them. Cause I'm a freak - If there was one nice person who wanted me to stay the way I am, maybe I wouldn't need to have surgery, but there isn't. So fuck it. I can't go back to living as a man, I'd rather not be alive than do that, and I hate being in the middle, so I'm going to be a complete woman. And I know that people in my hometown will never accept that, so I'm never coming back for more than a brief period. Like on the radio last week on Friday afternoon, I heard over the phone someone referred to me as "he." Whether it went out over the air I don't know, but it seemed like it must have. I didn't let on, but it bothers me for days every time that happens. Why? Because it means that no matter WHAT I do, people will still call me He. And since I'd rather be dead than be a Him, it feels to me like they're letting me know there's no point in continuing, because I'll NEVER be female in their eyes, and they verbalize that attitude. I can't take it. So I don't think I want to be on the air anymore, because it always seems to happen, someone calls me Him or He or by my old name over the air. It's like getting kicked in the stomach with the reality that I'll never be respected there as a female. And I can't deal with that feeling. Down here, most people assume I'm a woman, or at least they do at first. Some people figure it out, but since they never knew me as anyone but Lili, it's OK. I spent my whole life lying to people, except for the 2 years from fall of '98 to the fall of 2000, when I moved down here. So I'm back to hiding. Being publicly transsexual in the Valley was just about the worst period of my life. I never want to go thru anything like that again, and still being referred to as male during the pledge drives after all this time is more than I can stand. I wish I could have been happy being a guy, but I couldn't. Even when I was a kid, I detested myself. Then I tried to be a man for many years, but I couldn't make it work for myself. It will never change.

November 2, 2001
My surgery is about a week and a half away. I just want it DONE now. Since I had the electrolysis on my genitals, they are so irritated, that I can hardly wait till they're rearranged. My kid is very freaked and angry at me for having surgery, and I considered maybe postponing, She wants to move into a warmer place for the winter, but she would never live with me as a woman - but she probably wouldn't live with me now if I went back to living as a MAN, either. I can't blame her, she's only twenty. Who would want to live with their father when they're twenty, even if their father WASN'T transsexual?
Besides that, after going two weeks without estrogen, as required for surgery, there'e NO WAY I could ever consider living as a man and going off estrogen permanently. It's awful. I could quit if I had to to save my live, or was too broke to afford it, but that's the only way. I feel very frustrated, tense and even aggressively angry without it. Today I have to get my passport, and tonight is my weinie roast, in San Francisco - kind of like a bachelorette party, except instead of getting married, I'm getting neutered.
Last night I went to a blues jam. I've met a woman blues singer who is awesome. She suggested that we start an all-woman blues band, with another woman. I said yes, of course. I've always wanted to be in an all-female band, and a blues band to boot. How cool! We'll see how this plays out. Anyway, the last few jams I've been in have been tremendously successful for me. Not many women play guitar like I do, so it's very unusual.

(I underwent genital reconstruction surgery on November 11, 2001, in Bangkok Thailand. It was successful, but was a hell of an ordeal. What follows are my thought throughout the experience.)

Skipping ahead a bit...
November 10, 2001 - 2 PM
It sure is sultry. Dr. Preecha is going to do my surgery tomorrow instead of the next day! I checked out of my hotel and will check into the hospital today. Then a little dancing tonight maybe, then no more dancing for a few weeks at least.
It will be nice to rest. I tripped over my suitcase yesterday when I was struggling with all my bags, sprained my thump and jammed my toe. I'm sure I'll forget about all those complaints very soon The Thai girls sure are pretty. I feel like such a beanpole. The guys don't appeal to me much. They mostly ride motorcycles - very few people on bicycles so far. Except for sandels, the guys here dress like Americans. The girls do too, except a little more Asian in style. Their individual choices of tops and dresses are a little different than American - more feminine and colorful than modern America - they seem to wear pants most of the time, which in this heat seems odd.
I'm getting a few odd looks, but maybe just cause I'm a tall American woman. One cabbie called me Sir, so I'm trying to raise my voice, cause the girls here have little tiny voices...
Hard to believe tomorrow at this time I'll have a vagina in the place of my genitals! Cool. 400 cc. breasts - a little large maybe, but what the hell, I have broad shoulders, as Dr. P. pointed out. I said a small C cup. In 2 weeks I'll be shopping for a bikini, and in three weeks maybe I'll be wearing it on the beach.
Teri sent me an email saying that my reasons for SRS seem very valid. Wish I could remember what I said...
I got to the hospital around 6 PM, ate some vegies with chicken, had my weight, pulse and blood pressure taken, then went out...
I talked to Michele from Massachusetts, who had SRS about 3 days ago. She said it was a bitch, when I asked her whether it hurt. Yes it hurts, unquestionably, I guess. But so does Dr. Joy's injections, electro, and my back injury can't hurt any less than SRS... Only twelve hours till surgery, till they turn me into a woman permanently. I love it!
The nurse came in and shaved my armpits and genitals. That mus have been hard for her. I had to remove my nail polish and chop my fingernails....
5 AM, November 11, 2001
I'm crying. I just thanked The Guy I used to be for everything he did. He did the best he could. The song "Faraway Places" runs through my head.
THe lovely nurse woke me at 6:30 for an enormous enema. Ye goda. That was A BIT uncomfortable. I got that out of my system, then gave a urine sample and gave blood.
I just had my EKG at 7:40. A breeze it was. I just got a call for breakfast, which I had to turn down. I've never turned down breakfast before.
8:40 AM
Time for a shower. The nurse just told me my hair is beautiful. How sweet.
Shit, I'm crying again. The idea of giving up sex with women is a little hard to accept. Women are so beautiful. But it never really worked for me....
9:35 AM
I just had an IV put in for electrolytes, etc. which will of course stay in my left hand for a couple of days at least...
I met another of Dr. Preecha's patients, Michele in the next room. We're friends. She plays keyboard, so we talked music and life. I tried to cheer her up because she looked sad. Then they called me back, and she sent me a rose!
11 AM

I just got back from Michele's room. She's really nice. We were singing - she sings jazz, Billie Holiday type stuff. She's so blue - I need to cheer her up if I can.
11:15 AM
Just fifteen minutes. I'm impatiantly watching a stupid movie, Richie Rich. THe sooner I have surgery the sooner I can eat lunch! I'm hungry, with no food or drink for 12 hours. C'mon lunchtime and surgery!
November 12, 2002, 12:30 AM
It's finished! Yay! Hurts like hell, but only badly when I try to move. Shoulders hurt from implants, chest hurts and vagina hurts. But it is tolerable. I'm smiling already.
3:20 AM
So I have a vagina! and breasts! I can't wait the several days till they unwrap them. I am SO SORE. Especially my boobs - my whold chest aches.
5:30 AM
It seems I woke up after only about an hour of sleep. Whether it's the pain that keeps me awake or the fact that I can't roll over, I don't know. I feel like I was shot in the chest with a shotgun, and with a .22 in the crotch.
6:05 AM
I wish I could sleep. The nurses were just here taking my pulse, blood pressure, temperature and changed my antibiotics. This staff here is really good here it seems, and the ladies are so sweet. This mattress really sucks tho, and my back really aches.
My television remote control just crapped out. There isn't much to do here - hard to read, hard to write, impossible to sleep. Damn, I forgot to tell Dr. Preecha I hadn't finished electrology. Oh well.
8:40 AM
The pain is worse. It really feels like my penis hurts, and since it's tucked inside, it seems I still have sensitivity. It feels like the stitches that hold it up are tighter, perhaps from swelling.
Dr. Preecha said it wouldn't hurt much, but relative to what I wonder - stepping on a land mine perhaps? My arms hurt a lot too, when I move them, as that's where the incisions were made and the implants put it. I just took a pain pill and one for antibidies. Ugh.
945 AM
Ouch. I dropped the pen on the floor, and instead of waiting for an attendant to pick it up whenever they come back, I leaned way over the side of the bed. I feel like I kind of pulled on the sutures - but maybe not. There's a drainage tube coming out of my armpits, as well as a catheter in my cunt, and the IV in my hand. The fact that I now have a vagina seems very normal, except that it hurts like hell. My breasts seem to have good sensation too. More to come! As soon as I type it. Check back soon.

March 1, 2002
I'm now three and a half months post-op. I feel pretty good. My vagina still feels a little odd, like as if parts of it are coming undone, but that's not the case of course, just nerves reconnecting and become reoriented. My new parts look great, and I've gotten compliments.
It's now back to life as usual. I'm not really different mentally, but I have lots of physical maintenance, consisting of dilation and breast massage that I have to continue for life.
I still have the crummy bartending job. An acquaintance, to whom I mentioned my safety concerns, emailed me the following question, to which I responded as follows:
How about applying for a concealed > firearm permit? My response: I checked into it, and the local sheriff's dept and police both said that the likelihood of me getting a permit on the basis of closing the bar and walking to my car, even with a vague threat like I mentioned, is almost zilch. They suggested I get a male companion to walk me to my car after I close the bar. So if I feel threatened, I borrow the largest butcher knife I can find from the bar's kitchen, and hold it under my purse. Then I'd just face a self-defense question, rather than a "use an illegal weapon go to jail" scenario. I understand the women's prisons are no picnic either.
Just last night a sociopathic ex-con alcoholic who'd fallen off the wagon came in 15 minutes before closing time, and was obviously looking for a "white boy" to pick a fight with. He called me "Gorgeous", but probably wouldn't have, had he known I used to be a white boy, physically. Surprisingly he left without incident, since no "white boys" were available - only another Hispanic dude. - I gotta find a better job. March 12, 2002
I had a dream last night, that I was dressed as a guy, for some reason. I met a really nice woman and we really hit it off well, and I thought maybe a relationship was in the works. But then I wondered how I could ever tell her that I had a vagina and breasts.

April 2, 2002
Lying in bed this morning, I thought about why I don't want to be labeled as transgender, now that I have a neovagina. I realized that when I was a teenager, I was very skinny, wore ugly glasses, had acne, and was very shy partially due to my physical geekiness. I grew out of it eventually, and became popular. But even now I carry a complex about the alienation I felt as an adolescent. So now I don't want to be once again considered physically repulsive, due to questions about whether or not I'm a woman with male genitals. I'm NOT, I am physically female of course, but I'm read occasionally.
So the question remains: do I try to remain stealth, or do I once again go public with my history or transsexuality? Since I work in a redneckish bar, I think I should remain stealth as much as possible. True, some people assume I'm transgender, and don't really have a problem with me serving them drinks. But there is still a stigma about transgenderism; one night a guy asked me to go to breakfast with him that night, and to a movie that weekend. Although I wasn't attracted to him, I somewhat reluctantly accepted.
Meanwhile the guy sitting next to him started laughing. It occurred to me that maybe he thought it was funny that some guy would ask me for a date not knowing I was a transsexual. Then they both went outside for a cigarette. When they came back in, about ten minutes later, both were somber. The guy who had asked me out had another beer, and told me we'd have to have a rain check on breakfast. Then he never called me about the movie, and I haven't seen him for about a month. Could it be that the other guy told him something about me? He told me he didn't.
OK, so it might be a good thing that I never went out with this guy, since I wasn't attracted to him. But I don't need people "warning" others about their suspicions about my physical endowments.

June 3, 2002
It's been awhile since I wrote anything. I guess I'm busy. I feel like working 20 hours a week is about right for me, but I sure can't get ahead working those few hours, and can't even pay all of my bills. My endocrinologist billed me $200 for my last session, which included a pelvic exam. I can't be paying that every three to six months. But most women don't need pelvics that often, so I don't intend to pay that much. I might just completely switch to my gynocologist in San Jose, and drop Dr. Smilo.
This weekend I went north to hit a folk festival in my hometown, and pick up my car, which broke down there two weekends ago. I took a grayhound, then hitchiked from the county seat. It was fine, I got a ride with a very nice school teacher who was going to the festival. I was dressed very androgenously, with hardly any makeup, so that I might be able to "pass" as a guy, in case the person who picked me up was threatening-looking. It is not a good thing psychically for me to switch back and forth like that, but when hitching, one has to take extra measures for safety. I shouldn't even hitch at all, of course, but when one's car breaks down, one has to do what one has to do, doesn't one?
So when I got to the festival, I was carrying around a big overnight bag and my acoustic guitar, and felt a little over burdoned. I saw lots of old friends, which was good, but I felt like I was in "drabbe", which is not a good feeling. But it was OK. I changed into a nice summer dress as soon as I could, and dropped off my baggage, to mingle, and mingle I did. Some nice old friends offered to let me stay at their home, so that was not going to be a problem. It is SO nice to see my old friends from the radio station. One guy whom I didn't know was acting very friendly to me, but his breath was not good, so I didn't talk to him long. So at eleven PM or so, the Cuban dance band finished their set, and my friends and I left. I slept in their Airstream trailor next to their house, which was very nice. Then the next morning Bill and I had a long conversation over coffee and toast, then he took me to my mechanic's shop to get my car. Unfortunately I then had to head back to the bay area, rather than go back to the festival. I only had ten dollars left after paying the mechanic, and was hungry. I knew that if I went back inside the festival I'd spend almost that much just satisfying my hunger, and not have gas money for the road. And I knew that the sunday music that early in the day I could live without hearing, so I hit the road. I find that when I go back to Duckburg, I tend to gravitate back to my old mindframe, talking to Bill about chainsaws, firewood and trucks, which is fine, but really irrelevant to my current life, and I tend to drop my "female" voice, going back to Lefty's speaking voice. That is OK, but not what I like, and very retro. But we tended to talk about how much we HATE cutting firewood and working on vehicles. We're both in our 40's and don't need to do that anymore. I would have actually rather been talking to Bill's wife, but she had to be at work. They are both VERY nice people whom I like very much.