Things are pretty mundane today. I accidentally broke my special handmade coffee mug today, one that my co-workers gave me with my name on it, after I ceremoniously smashed my mug that had my old name on it, three years ago. So I cried over it for awhile, because it was sort of a good luck cup, then thought to write to my ceramics friends to ask how to glue a ceramic piece back together. So I'm waiting for their reply.
God I hate my lonely life. I usually go out somewhere to be with people or hear music, but I'm too broke this week, until I receive a couple of paychecks, to do that.
I lost my bartending job a week ago, because I broke my rib. The doctor told me to take six weeks off of work, so I did. Last week I went to talk to the boss, and he told me I don't have a job there anymore. He hired his girlfriend's daughter to replace me, and I guess she like my job.
I just wonder what I did to deserve this life. OK, it's not too bad, compared to people who were brutally sexually assaulted, or tortured, or who are paralyzed, but Is this a normal way for a person to feel?? I guess it is, my cousin convinced me that I'm not unattractive, and lots of women look worse than me, and that helped. But I just see no chance of my life getting better, unless I get a degree in business management, or white collar crime, or something. OK, so cleaning and telemarketing are not too bad, better than mechanicing, but can I make a life out of this until I retire? I sure hope I don't have to.
It's been a long time since I've updated my webpage. Things are good, and things are sometimes not so good. My life is very humdrum now. I seem to have less incentive nowadays to go out and perform music. Maybe it's the lack of testosterone in my system, I don't know. But I just go to work monday through friday, then spend the weekends with my girlfriend. I moved two doors down to R__'s condo, and I've been here ever since, as his tenant. We get along great. His parents are here visiting, and I get along with them great too. They told R__ that I seem to be a terrific housemate. They're really nice.

February 12, 2003
I've been seeing a very nice artist woman, and we've been having fun every weekend. Not enough money for living it up, but we go out to shoot pool, hear music now and then, and do odd things together around the bay area. We get along really well. I have a full time job, fairly mundane, but it's not totally boring, and the women I work with are great, so I like it. I'm just one of the gals, although I'm the tallest, they don't seem to notice anything else unusual about me. It's nice. I've gotten two promotions in the past few months, so I'm doing something right. Just showing up on time and not messing around at work goes a long ways. My job now is mostly data entry, working in an office. I'm the head sales verifier, and I have two supervising shifts per week, over up to twelve people. It's a good job - not great pay, but it's challenging enough to keep my interest, but not life-threateningly interesting.

March 18, 2003
I just watched an HBO movie called "Normal", and it made me realize to some degree how others watched my transition with horror. It started off with this big kinda burly guy who reveals that he intends to transition, then goes thru about a year's worth of changes. It brought me to tears, seeing what others thought of transitioning.

May 20, 2003
Well I lost my job again. This time I was told that various people didn't want to work during my shift, because I was too strictly verifying their sales - I wouldn't let fraud occur. But apparently the management allows a certain amount of scamming, and because I didn't go along with it, I was cut. At least it's better to assume that's the case, than thinking that others don't want to work with me because they heard a rumor that I'm transsexual.

June 3, 2003
I started a new job a few days ago, at a restaurant. So far not much cooking, but a lot of preparation. It's OK, and I expect to get in shape somewhat from the physical work, and the fact that we don't get free lunch should keep the extra ounces off. It's currently six hours a day, four days a week, but is increasing. I'm working hard, and they seem to think I do OK work - no complaints, except when I was rushing I got a little bit sloppy, and was called on that.
It only pays seven dollars an hour, but it might barely pay my bills. I hate applying for jobs so badly that I'm willing to do this for a little while. It beats the feeling of depression and paranoia that accompanies the concern about where next month's rent will come from.

July 10, 2003
Well the pizza making job didn't last long, but I got another job, this time working as a waitress in an Italian restaurant. The tips are very good, and I like the work. Let's see how this one goes.

February 11, 2004

I can't believe this is all there is. I'm just working, and on my days off I sleep late. E and I get along well, but not much is happening. She paints and sculpts sometimes, and I play my guitar sometimes, but I haven't been playing music with anyone in a LONG time. Today some friends were coming from New York, but I haven't heard from them yet, and it's after 11 PM. ~sigh~
I bought a van, and when the weather gets warmer we hope to go on some little camping trips, to Big Sur, and up the north coast, just to hear the ocean roar when we wake up in the morning.

February 17, 2004
I had a physical today, and I'm seemingly in good shape. Excellent blood pressure, no lumps in my breasts, everything is OK, except of course my back.

July 5, 2004
Things are good. E and I have been taking overnight trips in the van, to explore distant towns, party and shoot pool in local bars, then camp in the van. Next morning go to some coffeehouse for breadfast and coffee, then back home. No big deal, but it's no hassle at all, and we have a lot of fun, exploring Marin County, San Mateo county, Santa Cruz county, etc. Yesterday, on the 4th, we heard a nice bluegrass band at a local pub. When we're at my house, we go swimming in the late afternoon or evening, in the pool and hot tub. It doesn't get much better than this.

July 13, 2004
Things have gotten interesting again. My housemate bought a new car, and since the car dealer would only give him $2300 trade-in for his van, he offered to sell it to me for that price. I couldn't pass it up, so spontaneously agreed, which I NEVER do. But it seemed too good to pass up. His van is only six years old, has 60,000 miles on it, and has all the features I'd realistically want - a great stereo, air conditioning, cruise control, etc.
So now I have to sell the van I bought six months ago. I love it, but this other one is so much better I think that I should sell the older one; I just hope I can get back close to what I shelled out for it!
Also, should I keep my old Toyota? It's a great running car, even though it has over 200,000 miles on it, and is 18 years old. I can't sell it, since to pass the smog inspection it needs hundreds of dollars worth of parts. So the question is whether to keep it or donate it to some organization, that probably doesn't want a car in this ragged condition anyway.
It is ironic to once again find myself in the position of owning three vehicles, and trying to unload at least one to keep from having to insure all three. I never thought I would be affluent enough to have a quandry like this again, but I guess I'll never really change, as long as I keep driving.
In other news, I've had my current job now for about a year, which is a little unusual for me. I usually have short-lasting employment, but I really like my current employer. The work is hard, but every job gets tedious. This is sure better than the manual labor work I used to do twenty years ago.
My relationship with E has also been going on for well over a year. We get along so well it's amazing. We have the same temperment, both being artists, enjoy the same music, enjoy shooting pool and reading. She has even learned to share my sleeping late and staying up late habits!
I just reviewed my insurance policy, and discovered that they still have me listed as a married male, when in truth I am a divorced female. Looks like I need to get some corrections made!

March 11, 2005
Sometimes I still get the blues really bad. I start thinking about how my family has mostly turned their back on me, and I get angry. My current friends and co-workers seem to have no suspicions about my past, and accept me totally. But why won't my family? They say blood is thicker than water, but I no longer believe that. Family members will often stand by each other despite awful crimes that are committed, but NOT when a family member has faced up to and accepted their own transsexual condition. Life truly sucks.

July, 2005
Things are still good. I started writing a new novel, which is coming together very slowly. E and I are still getting together great. This week we went to the coast again to watch the surfers, but the surf was wimpy. So we went to a couple of clubs, and had a good time. We turned the middle seat in my van so the rear seats make sort of a double bed, which works for sleeping, except the seats are sort of short, so our legs either dangle in the forward seat, or one sleeps curled up, in the aft seat. But even though it's relatively comfortable, I still have trouble sleeping in the van
At work, we have new management, who first accused me of closing the salad bar too early, but after my supervisor told them that I was just doing as I was trained, they backed off, and are again treating me nicely. Still no signs of transphobia, or of me having been read! I've been working there two years now, so I guess I pass!

July 2, 2006
It's been quite awhile since I updated this memoir. I'm off work. Some things are new. I now play music on the streets several times a week. Yesterday a young Black woman asked if I'd play guitar for her vocals of Memphis Minnie and Robert Johnson songs and others, for some cabaret-style event. I said sure. I also might be playing bass in a new band, a trio playing mostly rock covers, but some original songs too.
I'm looking for a job that I can do without using my hands, since they're wearing out, with constant pain, probably due to arthritis. Maybe I should give guitar lessons again.

October, 2006
The band worked out for awhile, but we've lost our lead guitarist. The duo gig with the blues singer went very well too, but there aren't any paying gigs for a blues duo, so that's probably not going to happen again. I'm still playing solo on the streets, singing and playing slide guitar. The money is okay, and I get a lot of compliments. No press coverage yet, but maybe that's a good thing.

November, 2006
How can a person who's seriously depressed talk about their condition? How do they handle their pain without resorting to substance abuse or suicide? I don't know. How do I do it? I don't know. I ride the pain until tears well up in my eyes, until the lump in my throat aches like as if I'd swallowed a golf ball. There are times, late at night, when I wish I had some alcohol to drink, but I don't keep liquor where I live. That's a habit that my mother lived by. Why did she? I always thought it was because she was an adamant tee-totler. The reason I don't normally keep liquor is because I can't handle it, and the nausea that accompanies it. Is that the only reason I'm not a boozer? Perhaps. My brother who recently died was a boozer. Sometimes I see liquor on television, or in a club, and I sorely want to have a drink. If I had one, it would not lead to another, then another, then another. One is enough, but during the holiday season I do tend to go for several rum and eggnogs, which often lead to a proper headache in the morning. The holiday season is approaching. The eggnog is on the grocery store shelves.
It's been suggested to me by a therapist that perhaps my depression and my inability to concentrate may be primarily due to my transsexuality; going back to my early childhood, when I first realized I could never be what I wanted to be. As a result, perhaps I withdrew into my private thoughts, but unable to face the reality that I needed to be female.