September 1, 2001
Got the go ahead from my gender therapist for SRS in Thailand! Now just the travel paperwork and medical exam, then I can go. Woo-hoo!

September 19, 2001
I've been going thru the reasons I want/need SRS in my mind. Mainly I want to complete what I started. Some people can live in their new gender role without it just fine, but not me.

September 24, 2001
Today I booked my flight to Bangkok for SRS this fall. I'll be there about 5 weeks, to do a bit of exploring before surgery and to give me plenty of time to recover from surgery for the flight back. There will be enough layover in Tokyo to dilate, if possible to do that in an airport. I've been having a bit of a hassle trying to get the passport service to give me a female passport. It looks do-able, but I'll probably have to have my passport in my old name, since I never paid a judge to change it and printed it in the newspaper. I'm just stubborn I guess. I can wear pants on the plane on the way over, and on the way back I'll be post-op so there should be no problem there.
I'm starting to get excited about this. It occurred to me that although I remember sex as a male with women was very nice, possibly the major thing about it was it was a bit of validation of myself as a male, and I have no desire for that feeling. I don't want anyone to think of me as any kind of male.
About 7 weeks until my SRS. Primarily it will be a relief to be able to do things like go to a health club again, go swimming in public without being nervous that something will show, and that I won't be beaten and left for dead or murdered because I have external genitals despite my appearance and current life. And maybe I can finally NOT be distracted from having a normal life again.

October 11, 2001
Yesterday I had genital electrolysis, in preparation for my SRS. It wasn't bad. The anesthetic, lidocaine with ephinephrine, usually is excruciating in the face, but it wasn't quite as horrible in the groin area, amazingly. Then during the zapping itself, I couldn't feel any of it, until four hours were almost up. I even fell asleep for a few minutes here and there. Afterwards, my body was a mess - the area was all black, blue and purple, and swollen to the size of a tennis ball.
I stopped for a cup of coffee at Carla's afterwards, and met some new people, and went out for dinner with one woman. We had a great conversation.

October 17, 2001
I'm still feeling very uncomfortable and raw from the electrolysis last week. I feel like my underwear is lined with sandpaper, or possibly fiberglass insulation. At least the swelling has gone down. Maybe this is conditioning for the upcoming discomfort from reassignment surgery, scheduled for less than four weeks from now.
People are asking whether I'm excited, and really no, I'm not all that excited. Its not like my life will change much. So what's the big deal? Why am I doing this, anyway? It's just that my present condition is preventing me from feeling like a natural woman in my mind, or something along those lines. I won't have to worry about anyone discovering I have external genitals. I'll still have more facial electrolysis to complete, so it's not as if my "self-improvement project" will be finished after surgery. It's just one more step.

Please dear Goddess, guide Dr. Preecha's hand well for me

October 22, 2001
It seems people around town are talking about me. One imbicile read me, and is telling everyone he knows that I'm TS. It's starting all over again. Oh well - I had a year of successful stealth life, It was nice while it lasted. All I have to do is move to another town, and I can be anonymous again. October 24, 2001 Letter to a friend: I was thinking that I should maybe tell you, one of my close friends, why it is that I'm having reassignment surgery, since you seemed a little shocked that I'm going thru with it. Its not like I have a big choice. I hate being a freak. But I'd rather continue to be a freak than go back to living as a guy. I hated it so much, it was like I felt like my body was covered with slime or filled with sludge, and I was like angry all the time that it had to be that way. I don't know why exactly. But I finally gave up on thinking that meeting the right person would make my life worth living as a man. I don't think anyone could do that. I met a woman, and She and I hit it off real well in the fall of '98. I spent a few days & nights with her, but I felt I HAD to tell her I was transsexual. She pretended to take it well, but then she dropped me as soon as she could. She broke my heart big time, more than anyone ever did before. Not that she was the finest woman in the world, but I'd really told her the truth, hating to do it, because I thought she'd drop me, and she did, when I was at the most vulnerable condition ever. I cried and cried over that one, took it real personally. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Anyway, one by one the several women whom I was close to each made it clear that there was no chance of me being with them. Cause I'm a freak - If there was one nice person who wanted me to stay the way I am, maybe I wouldn't need to have surgery, but there isn't. So fuck it. I can't go back to living as a man, I'd rather not be alive than do that, and I hate being in the middle, so I'm going to be a complete woman. And I know that people in my hometown will never accept that, so I'm never coming back for more than a brief period. Like on the radio last week on Friday afternoon, I heard over the phone someone referred to me as "he." Whether it went out over the air I don't know, but it seemed like it must have. I didn't let on, but it bothers me for days every time that happens. Why? Because it means that no matter WHAT I do, people will still call me He. And since I'd rather be dead than be a Him, it feels to me like they're letting me know there's no point in continuing, because I'll NEVER be female in their eyes, and they verbalize that attitude. I can't take it. So I don't think I want to be on the air anymore, because it always seems to happen, someone calls me Him or He or by my old name over the air. It's like getting kicked in the stomach with the reality that I'll never be respected there as a female. And I can't deal with that feeling. Down here, most people assume I'm a woman, or at least they do at first. Some people figure it out, but since they never knew me as anyone but Lili, it's OK. I spent my whole life lying to people, except for the 2 years from fall of '98 to the fall of 2000, when I moved down here. So I'm back to hiding. Being publicly transsexual in the Valley was just about the worst period of my life. I never want to go thru anything like that again, and still being referred to as male during the pledge drives after all this time is more than I can stand. I wish I could have been happy being a guy, but I couldn't. Even when I was a kid, I detested myself. Then I tried to be a man for many years, but I couldn't make it work for myself. It will never change. November 2, 2001 My surgery is about a week and a half away. I just want it DONE now. Since I had the electrolysis on my genitals, they are so irritated, that I can hardly wait till they're rearranged. My kid is very freaked and angry at me for having surgery, and I considered maybe postponing, She wants to move into a warmer place for the winter, but she would never live with me as a woman - but she probably wouldn't live with me now if I went back to living as a MAN, either. I can't blame her, she's only twenty. Who would want to live with their father when they're twenty, even if their father WASN'T transsexual? Besides that, after going two weeks without estrogen, as required for surgery, there'e NO WAY I could ever consider living as a man and going off estrogen permanently. It's awful. I could quit if I had to to save my live, or was too broke to afford it, but that's the only way. I feel very frustrated, tense and even aggressively angry without it. Today I have to get my passport, and tonight is my weinie roast, in San Francisco - kind of like a bachelorette party, except instead of getting married, I'm getting neutered. 2001, in Bangkok Thailand. It was successful, but was a hell of an ordeal. What follows are my thought throughout the experience.)

My SRS Journal

November 8, 2001, 1:15 am
Tomorrow - today really - I'll be embarking on the strangest journey I've ever taken. I'll be flying to Thailand to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. The surgery will happen in five days.
I've been getting anxious for the day to come, since I had genital electrolysis; the irritation has been hard to deal with. So now I just want to get rid of my genitals as soon as possible.

November 8, 11 am
I reached the airport. Slept like a log last night. My housemate asked if I slept OK - I guess some people might be too nervous to sleep. But I'm not nervous, now that all systems are go. I'm waiting to board the flight to Tokyo. What in incredable hassle it's been, and I haven't even left San Francisco yet. Ok, I'm on the plane. I was searched again while boarding the plane - a "random check." I made sure I had my cash before I left the search area. Everything's in Japanese. Cool. I have a few words of Japanese in my purse to use in a crunch. I don't intend to do much though. So far I have the two seats next to me empty.
Ten hours and twenty minutes is how long this flight takes. 4,770 miles to Tokyo. So I'll have traveled over ten thousand miles by the time I get back home, a month from now. I'm gonna miss my daughter, and my dog, but I have Raggedy Ann with me. I won't be able to play guitar for a month! That's got to be the longest I've ever gone without playing.
It's almost inconceivable that I'n actually going to have sex change surgery. After all these years of dreaming about it. Why? I don't know. The Dude is gone. All that remains is the memory of his reluctance to lose his sexual prowess. But that's a thing of the past. Sure, I thought it would be fun to have intercourse with a woman again, but it's not worth waiting more years for. It would have made sense for me to wait for a year, have more genital electrology, and to wait for my CD to mature in April. But I couldn't wait. The idea of waiting is NOT really worth considering. Oh boy - lunch time. I wonder what Japanese airline meals are like.

Skipping ahead a bit...

November 10, 2001 - 2 PM
It sure is sultry. Dr. Preecha is going to do my surgery tomorrow instead of the next day! I checked out of my hotel and will check into the hospital today. Then a little dancing tonight maybe, then no more dancing for a few weeks at least.
It will be nice to rest. I tripped over my suitcase yesterday when I was struggling with all my bags, sprained my thump and jammed my toe. I'm sure I'll forget about all those complaints very soon The Thai girls sure are pretty. I feel like such a beanpole. The guys don't appeal to me much. They mostly ride motorcycles - very few people on bicycles so far. Except for sandels, the guys here dress like Americans. The girls do too, except a little more Asian in style. Their individual choices of tops and dresses are a little different than American - more feminine and colorful than modern America - they seem to wear pants most of the time, which in this heat seems odd.
I'm getting a few odd looks, but maybe just cause I'm a tall American woman. One cabbie called me Sir, so I'm trying to raise my voice, cause the girls here have little tiny voices...
Hard to believe tomorrow at this time I'll have a vagina in the place of my genitals! Cool. 400 cc. breasts - a little large maybe, but what the hell, I have broad shoulders, as Dr. P. pointed out. I said a small C cup. In 2 weeks I'll be shopping for a bikini, and in three weeks maybe I'll be wearing it on the beach.
Teri sent me an email saying that my reasons for SRS seem very valid. Wish I could remember what I said...
I got to the hospital around 6 PM, ate some vegies with chicken, had my weight, pulse and blood pressure taken, then went out... I talked to Michele from Massachusetts, who had SRS about 3 days ago. She said it was a bitch, when I asked her whether it hurt. Yes it hurts, unquestionably, I guess. But so does Dr. Joy's injections, electro, and my back injury can't hurt any less than SRS... Only twelve hours till surgery, till they turn me into a woman permanently. I love it!
The nurse came in and shaved my armpits and genitals. That mus have been hard for her. I had to remove my nail polish and chop my fingernails....

5 AM, November 11, 2001
I'm crying. I just thanked The Guy I used to be for everything he did. He did the best he could. The song "Faraway Places" runs through my head.
The lovely nurse woke me at 6:30 for an enormous enema. Ye gods. That was A BIT uncomfortable. I got that out of my system, then gave a urine sample and gave blood.
I just had my EKG at 7:40. A breeze it was. I just got a call for breakfast, which I had to turn down. I've never turned down breakfast before.

8:40 AM
Time for a shower. The nurse just told me my hair is beautiful. How sweet. Shit, I'm crying again. The idea of giving up sex with women is a little hard to accept. Women are so beautiful. But it never really worked for me....

9:35 AM
I just had an IV put in for electrolytes, etc. which will of course stay in my left hand for a couple of days at least...
I met another of Dr. Preecha's patients, Michele in the next room. We're friends. She plays keyboard, so we talked music and life. I tried to cheer her up because she looked sad. Then they called me back, and she sent me a rose!

11 AM
I just got back from Michele's room. She's really nice. We were singing - she sings jazz, Billie Holiday type stuff. She's so blue - I need to cheer her up if I can.

11:15 AM
Just fifteen minutes. I'm impatiantly watching a stupid movie, Richie Rich. THe sooner I have surgery the sooner I can eat lunch! I'm hungry, with no food or drink for 12 hours. C'mon lunchtime and surgery!

November 12, 2002, 12:30 AM
It's finished! Yay! Hurts like hell, but only badly when I try to move. Shoulders hurt from implants, chest hurts and vagina hurts. But it is tolerable. I'm smiling already.

3:20 AM
So I have a vagina! and breasts! I can't wait the several days till they unwrap them. I am SO SORE. Especially my boobs - my whold chest aches.

5:30 AM
It seems I woke up after only about an hour of sleep. Whether it's the pain that keeps me awake or the fact that I can't roll over, I don't know. I feel like I was shot in the chest with a shotgun, and with a .22 in the crotch.

6:05 AM
I wish I could sleep. The nurses were just here taking my pulse, blood pressure, temperature and changed my antibiotics. This staff here is really good here it seems, and the ladies are so sweet. This mattress really sucks tho, and my back really aches.
My television remote control just crapped out. There isn't much to do here - hard to read, hard to write, impossible to sleep. Damn, I forgot to tell Dr. Preecha I hadn't finished electrology. Oh well.

8:40 AM
The pain is worse. It really feels like my penis hurts, and since it's tucked inside, it seems I still have sensitivity. It feels like the stitches that hold it up are tighter, perhaps from swelling.
Dr. Preecha said it wouldn't hurt much, but relative to what I wonder - stepping on a land mine perhaps? My arms hurt a lot too, when I move them, as that's where the incisions were made and the implants put it. I just took a pain pill and one for antibidies. Ugh.

9:45 AM
Ouch. I dropped the pen on the floor, and instead of waiting for an attendant to pick it up whenever they come back, I leaned way over the side of the bed. I feel like I kind of pulled on the sutures - but maybe not. There's a drainage tube coming out of my armpits, as well as a catheter in my cunt, and the IV in my hand. The fact that I now have a vagina seems very normal, except that it hurts like hell. My breasts seem to have good sensation too. More to come! As soon as I type it. Check back soon.

10:45 AM
Ouch. The attendant asked me to go into the bathroom to wash, to my amazement. I was not ready. The pain was too much, and I somehow pulled a tube from my right armpit.

11:20 AM
I'm feeling better. There's a weird movie called Interstate 24 or something. Took my mind off my aches.

12:50 PM
Was starting to fall asleep when Michelle came in to say hi and cheer me up. She's having a face lift tomorrow. Then I got a new IV, lunch, pain pill and anti-bloodclot.

1:30 PM
I feel relatively good now, but am very bored. Someone turned off the TV at the set, so I can't turn it on with the remote. Just as well; nothing but crap on TV.
The food here is pretty good for a non-picky eater like myself. I'm eating like a horse.
My crotch is encased in a chastity device, it seems, and it feels like someone slipped a baseball into it just before they locked it in place. The effect feels like I'm sitting on a fencepost all the time.

3 PM
The crap on Thai TV is so hard to watch. Even HBO & MTV are showing absolute crap. I can't get into reading, and it's hard to write. I just sort of look forward to the wonderful staff here to come in. I smile at them all the time, cause I want them to know I appreciate what they do, their thoughtfulness and to give a good impression of transwomen and Americans.

4:35 PM
I'm feeling better all the time, but being careful not to pull anything loose, like cathetor, stitches, etc. I tried to stand up a couple times, but my breasts hurt when I sit up or stand. I feel kind of grungey, and wish I could wash my face and brush my teeth.

3:30 AM
I finally got some sleep, but am so tired of being tied to this bed. Stitches still pulling, or maybe it's the bandages, and everything still hurts. I really want to get up, but the cathetor has me stuck.

November 12, 2001
Lots of slasher-stalker films on HBO. Not the best thing. There was one Eddie Murphy film that was Okay.
I can see how some new post-ops get depressed or discouraged after surgery, cause it's so boring and painful. But I'm OK. Michelle is all freaked. The pain't not too bad today.

600 PM
I think most of the pain now is from the bandeages pulling, the tube in my armpit and maybe the stitches. I can't wait to see my breasts and how they look in a low-cut top.
It would be nice if some genetic woman could teach me how to fuck a guy, so I'm not clumsily obvious, when the time comes.

March 1, 2002
I'm now three and a half months post-op. I feel pretty good. My vagina still feels a little odd, like as if parts of it are coming undone, but that's not the case of course, just nerves reconnecting and become reoriented. My new parts look great, and I've gotten compliments. It's now back to life as usual. I'm not really different mentally, but I have lots of physical maintenance, consisting of dilation and breast massage that I have to continue for life.

April 2, 2002
Lying in bed this morning, I thought about why I don't want to be labeled as transgender, now that I have a neovagina. I realized that when I was a teenager, I was very skinny, wore ugly glasses, had acne, and was very shy partially due to my physical geekiness. I grew out of it eventually, and became popular. But even now I carry a complex about the alienation I felt as an adolescent. So now I don't want to be once again considered physically repulsive, due to questions about whether or not I'm a woman with male genitals. I'm NOT, I am physically female of course, but I'm read occasionally.
So the question remains: do I try to remain stealth, or do I once again go public with my history or transsexuality? Since I work in a redneckish bar, I think I should remain stealth as much as possible. True, some people assume I'm transgender, and don't really have a problem with me serving them drinks. But there is still a stigma about transgenderism; one night a guy asked me to go to breakfast with him that night, and to a movie that weekend. Although I wasn't attracted to him, I somewhat reluctantly accepted.
Meanwhile the guy sitting next to him started laughing. It occurred to me that maybe he thought it was funny that some guy would ask me for a date not knowing I was a transsexual. Then they both went outside for a cigarette. When they came back in, about ten minutes later, both were somber. The guy who had asked me out had another beer, and told me we'd have to have a rain check on breakfast. Then he never called me about the movie, and I haven't seen him for about a month. Could it be that the other guy told him something about me? He told me he didn't. OK, so it might be a good thing that I never went out with this guy, since I wasn't attracted to him. But I don't need people "warning" others about their suspicions about my physical endowments.

June 3, 2002
It's been awhile since I wrote anything. I guess I'm busy. I feel like working 20 hours a week is about right for me, but I sure can't get ahead working those few hours, and can't even pay all of my bills. My endocrinologist billed me $200 for my last session, which included a pelvic exam. I can't be paying that every three to six months. But most women don't need pelvics that often, so I don't intend to pay that much. I might just completely switch to my gynocologist in San Jose, and drop Dr. Smilo.