I decided to pursue hormone replacement therapy the day my wife told me she had decided to move out, in September, 1998. I had been wanting to start HRT for several years, and had been wanting to live fulltime as a female for several years as well. It seemed the best plan would be to start HRT, then when the changes started to be noticable, start to gradually work in feminine clothing at work and in public, while living as a female at home.
I asked a TS friend or two for recommendations for a good therapist to approve me for HRT, and eventually heard about a specialist in gender disorders, who has a practice about 85 miles from my home. I wrote her a fairly desperate letter, since I was feeling very dysphoric, which was disrupting my work, and my hairline had started to recede on my temples slightly. She follows the Standards of Care, which require twelve sessions, or three months of therapy before approval is granted. I accepted the terms, and made an immediate appointment to see her.
On the way to the session, I started crying with joy and relief that I was actually on the path to transitioning. I had no idea how much of a relief it was just to take the first step. I changed to Lili on the freeway, and in a quiet parking lot when I arrived in town. I wanted to make as clear a picture as possible for Anne to see my level of comfort as Lili. I was a bit nervous as I arrived, but as soon as I met Anne, I relaxed. I found her very easy to talk to.
I'm now in my ninth week, in December 1998, and am feeling increasingly anxious to start. I'm not at all afraid of HRT, and wish I had began years ago. I cannot wait! It is driving me up the wall. I feel like I physically need estrogen, and am suffering physical and mental anguish, waiting for the last several weeks to pass. Sometimes I almost double over, and get chills in my spine, from the waves of anticipation of the hormones. Once or twice a day, I suffer depression or anxiety from my need to be Lili, while at work, or when company is in the house. It helps these feelings greatly if I can pop into a chatroom, so at least I can communicate as Lili, though I'm not dressed.
I am anxious to begin working as a woman. I work in radio, so although it seems like it could be advantages to transitioning that the listeners won't see me, the truth is that I work face to face with the public a lot, with trainees, and people who stop by the station, as well as with other staff members. I clearly will have to work to develop a female voice, and have made some progress in that direction, but only can speak that way for a few sentences, which works in shops or restaurants, but then I have to drop back into more of a resonant, baritone voice for a conversation. The gentle whispery voice some transsexuals use sounds a bit unreal to me, a little like Michael Jackson: feminine but not female. I have been working to keep the back of my throat somewhat closed, reducing the resonance, while keeping my pitch a little, but not too much above normal. I plan to practice with Melanie Ann Phillip's lessons on female voice development.
It occured to me two days ago that if I were to be forced to dress in drab while working, while living as a female, I would not be very productive, as I seem to shut down my mind when in the throes of dysphoria attacks. This is possibly a self-protection device to block the pain, but in effect it is like I am dying as a male. I truly believe that my male identity is fading quickly, whether I'm ready or not. My breathing gets more difficult, my chest gets tight, and my vision gets almost hazy. The other day, during an attack, I saw my wife across the street, and didn't even recognize her until she waved at me. Knowing that I'm wearing lingerie under my drab clothing helps only slightly. I need to see and feel myself as a woman, to see my painted nails and breasts, and to sit and move in a feminine manner, not just androgeneously.
December 25, 1998
On Wednesday morning, I bumped into my online friend Leia in a TG chatroom. She sent me a personal message, asking how I was, and I answered. Then she sent me a message via ICQ , and we chatted, then she asked whether she could call me on the phone. I said OK, and gave her the number. We talked abut me transitioning while working in the radio biz, and she asked whether I had a remale voice. I said I'd been working on it, and she said, Let's hear it. I tried my best, and she said, That's very good; you won't have any problem.
After about fifteen minutes, she said, Well I should let you go, and I said, OK, I have to read the weather in a minute anyway. So we said good bye and hung up.
When I sat before the microphone to read the weather over the air, I realized, I can't do this. I wasn't back in my male newscaster identity. I was still Lili. I watch the seconds tick by on the clock until it was time for the weather. I opened my mouth, and spoke in a somewhat close proximity of my normal baritone radio voice, only it wasn't so baritone. Tt was somehow excruciatingly difficult. By the end of the minute-long weather report, my eyes were filled with tears, and I could barely finish.
For the entire morning, I waited to switch back into my male persona, but it didn't happen. My co-workers arrived, and I interacted with them, but I found I was quite short tempered, and while not being severe with any of them, I loudly cussed out certain other station people who weren't present, and kinda had a bit of a hissy-fit. Afterwards, I realized that it was probably because I was so miserable trying to be Jack, that I was enraged, and was just unleashing my rage on some people who weren't present. I didn't say anything that was untrue, just things that my co-staffers and I have discussed in the past, such things as working too many hours, and volunteers calling on staff to do things on our days off, and the like. I wasn't out of line, but I was uncharacteristically bitchy. Not saying bitchiness is a gender-specific characteristic, and I was sufficiently masculine in my tone of voice that I wasn't verbalizing in a feminine manner - it was just that I was pissed, and I was letting off steam.
On my way down to my therapy appointment that afternoon, I was crying a bit, and didn't have the time to do a spectacularly through job on my hair and make-up, and I certainly didn't have that sparkle that I sometimes feel as Lili. I told Dr. Anne about my morning experience, and how miserable I had been since, conducting myself as Jack, and reiterated how painful my life is.
I was hoping that she would offer to write me a psychologist's letter to the station manager saying that Jack is totally stressed, on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and needs at least two weeks off - with pay. But she didn't offer that. Instead, she said that maybe it's time to start living as Lily full-time.
I made various excuses, saying that no one except a couple people knew what was really going on with me, and that I don't have the confidence or the appearance yet without hormones that I need to transition. She understood that, and suggested that I then set a future date, and start telling my co-workers, friends and relatives that I'm going to live full-time as a female. I agreed to that, and arbitrarily selected April first, 1998 as the day I will start living as a woman.
January 7, 1999
Two weeks later, in early January 1999, an opening in the endocrinologist's schedule appeared, and I booked it. I went to San Francisco, found the clinic, and located a men's room in the mail lobby, where I was able to shave closely. Then I went back to the van, and changed into Lili's clothes. I attracted no attention until I spoke to the receptionist, and they realized I wasn't female. The exam went well, I liked the doctor, a senior woman from Europe. The only thing not too positive was my blood pressure, which she said she'd like to see lower. I was a half inch shorter than I was last time I was measured, 5'11" and a half, and weighed 157, less than I had weighed in years. She sent me for a blood test and urine test down the hall, and I booked another appointment in two weeks.
Afterwards I went to my therapist, who reminded me that I had just made a significant step in my journey, and that with this particular endocrinologist's treatments, the dosages will change me into a woman. Jack will cease to exist. I'm not altogether thrilled about Jack vanishing, but at least I will retain his musical and artistic chops, and memories.
January 14, 1999
Yesterday I went back to my endocrinologist for my prescription. My blood is very healthy, testosterone level high, cholesterol level a little high. No problem taking hormones. She gave info about the biological effects, some of which went over my head. She also reminded me that due to estrogen supplements I will be unable to achieve an erection soon. I was hoping that would be a long-term effect, since I would like to remain sexually active for awhile. I might take a slower course than what she prescribed to start. She is known for her high hormone dosages, which I don't really want to start with. 2.4 mg of premarin a day is what she prescribed. I haven't filled it yet, but will after payday tomorrow.
Thus far, after 3 weeks of .625 mg of premarin daily, I detect a definite softening of skin, on the un-whiskered parts of my face, insides of my arms and palms, and on my feet. This morning I seemed to notice a slight difference in my face that is difficult to describe. Maybe in my cheeks, around my mouth. Maybe it's my imagination.
Jannuary 17, 1999
I've taken all my meds today, but here I am, climbing the walls, between two worlds. I don't even know how to put it into words. I feel like the tears should start any minute, but I don;t know why. God I hate when this happens, I thought it was over when I started the hormones. Maybe they just take a couple weeks to kick in, but I don't know what to do. It feels like it's tying my stomach in knots, not pain, just almost like nausea, but not nausea, just churning. I want to unplug my brain. Not really, but why can't I just be one way or the other?
I had the overpowering urge to call my older sister tonight, who was really a pillar of strength when my parents were dying, kept the whole thing together, and I feel we all owe her a lot. So I figured I should be honest with her, as I have been with my other sister and brother, about my HRT, since it may make a difference by the next time I see her. So I put it off till I couldn't delay any longer, 9PM central time, but no one was home. Obviously I didn't spell it out on the answering machine, although maybe that would have been the quickest, easiest way! Hmm. Maybe not a bad idea.
So I couldn't talk to her. So I had some soup, and figured I should go to bed. But I have to work in the morning, so I should remove the "Amourous Amethyst" color nail polish I used last night. But believe it or not, there is great reluctance in my brain to do that. It sounds silly, but it is really fucking hard to do. Such a stupid little thing.
I was talking to the wife of one of our TG group's founding members last night, who said that "he" was in constant turmoil, stressed out, irritable, etc, till finally his wife said, Would you just start living as Diane fulltime, and be done with it? So "Dick" made himself do it, not knowing whether Diane could teach math, but Anne said that within one day, it made all the difference in the world. Totally changed mood, and completely relieved, and probably a better instructor. I'm afraid I might be getting to that point. And I don't want to be.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll go to bed.
January 18, 1999
The thing is, I'm getting disfunctional at work, due to the gender
conflict. Everyone is noticing that I'm kinda losing it. They think I'm overworking, and/or recently separated, but don't
know I'm dysphoric, depressed, insomniac and TS. I gotta do something, or I'll crack up very soon. I lost it bigtime at
Xmas, and had a real bad night last night. I can't stand it much longer I'm afraid. I put on a good act, but I'm in really
bad shape.
January 27, 1999
For about two weeks now, I have noticed my skin softening, in the areas of my upper cheeks under my eyes, my forehead, my palms and feet and breast area. Yesterday I noticed a slight ache, not even an ache really, but an awareness in my left breast area, about an inch an a half above the nipple. This follows some rib pain last week, which started in the bottom of the breastbone area, and over a period of several days, moved over to the outer bottom edge of the ribcage. It felt like I had been punched in the ribs. This week that ache is gone. Maybe it was from something physical I did, like splitting firewood, but I don't think so.
I don't see much, if any change in the mirror, but my cheeks do seem a little wider, despite the fact that I've lost almost 20 pounds since my wife moved out in September. She told me over this past weekend that I now have funny little smiles that I didn't have before, which are probably cause by the fact that my dysphoric moods are not as intense.
February 19, 1999
I saw my endocrinologist two days ago. While waiting in the lobby, an elderly woman talking to her daughter referred to me "this lady", in comparing how long we had been waiting. That made me feel good, as I had assumed I'd been read when I arrived.
The doctor took my blood pressure, and noted that it was much better than it had been a month before. When she examined my chest, I asked whether the bulges were breast growth, but she said no, they were my pectorals. Maybe so, but my pectorals have at least a half inch thickness of fat covering them that wasn't there before. I've never had pectorals shaped like these!
She doubled my dosage of premarin to 5.0 mg. per day. I was very happy to be able to take two 2.5 mg tabs a day. It's a good feeling to take the hormone, and now I get to enjoy that feeling twice a day. I've often wished they came in small enough dosages that I could take 50 a day - eat them out of a bowl like M&M's.
I feel like my dysphoria is much better, after six weeks of taking premarin. My depression is just waiting for me to slip up on taking my St. John's Wort and effexor, though, so I have to be careful to follow the regular schedule with them. Several times, I've tried splitting the day's dosage of St. John's Wort up, to make it more time released, but after bummer moods, decided I need to keep taking 1200 mg first thing in the morning. The estrogen makes my antidepressants less effective it seems.
February 28, 1999
It seems TGs' girlfriends become girl friends.
Both my nipples are sore now.
Yesterday I got antzy, got dressed as Lili and went to the coast. I procrastinated for hours, because I know lots of people there, and was sure I'd be spotted, but I said to myself, well, it's time to face the music. You're burning your safety net with every friend you tell, so might as well quit hiding. I went to a nice tourist café and had dinner, but didn't see a single person I knew. Just as well. No one gave me more than a glance when I walked in. The waiter may have suspected I was male, but he was perfectly cool, if he did. The whole staff was young, and young people around there are cool, have various colors of hair unknown to science and piercings, so they probably think TGs are cool. Anyway it was a nice quiet dinner. I had some writing material with me, so I seemed preoccupied. No one paid any attention, which is what I like.
I told one of my old picking buddies yesterday what I'm going thru, as far as taking estrogen. I didn't tell him I want to be a woman, but said I have this subconscious gender identity conflict which is taking ahold of my brain, that is treatable by HRT. He said oh wow. But completely understood why, under the circumstances, I would be willing to undergo hormone therapy. So he's at least aware why I'll eventually have breasts. I just didn't feel him the whole thing yet. He's liberal, but I don't know how much to tell some people.
March 6, 1999 - CLEAVAGE
I've got cleavage! Not a whole lot, but today when I tried on a tight low-cut leotard, I saw it for the first time! Enough to stick my thumb into, with hard nipples showing through! Not enough for a swimsuit shot, but it's happening! After all these years, I am absolutely joyous. How do you take your measurements, anyway? Compressed I'm 36" in the bust, with full breath almost 40". Just loosely, 37". Am I A or AA?
March 19, 1999
I saw my endocrinologist two days ago, and received a prescription for provera. She examined my chest, and felt two hard spots inside the nipples, indicating growth getting ready to take place. She seems to think I'm developing earlier than normal. The provera should do it. I just wonder how soon. She said that in six months my face should be different, due to the redistribution of fat. I think it's already changing. I saw a photo of myself with my co-workers today. I look like an androgenous beanpole, but with my hair tied back, I look more like a male in the photo. I'm just under six feet tall, but my weight loss makes me look taller, especially in a photo of mostly women, who are all shorter than me. Oh well. I'm used to being tall.
March 23, 1999
Over the past weekend, I wrote Jack, the guy I've shared this body with for 45 years, that his time is up, time to hit the road Jack, doncha come back no more! Today I think he did just that! I felt very strange at work, then realized what might be happening, and told a couple of my co-workers, before I went home for lunch. I felt like I was like in some kinda giving birth state, strangely. I got home, and crashed on the sofa, and started crying hysterically almost, for about 15 minutes, and felt that something was definitely changing! Then I felt great, as if I'd been exorcised! I went for a walk in the woods along the creek behind my house, and felt completely different than before. I wanted to spend the day sniffing the roses, so to speak, but I had to go back to work. Anyway, I think that's its just a matter of my body catching up with my mind now.
March 25, 1999
Well, regretably I haven't gone fulltime publicly yet. I still look so much
the same that I just can't do it here locally. I'm telling all my close
friends what happened, and they're fascinated, but I'm not too much
different, except in spirit. But I'm a little worried about getting
entrenched in the "Jack" mode, because if I keep male habits, that's not the
most effective thing in developing me as a different style. Like, being the
professional radio person I am, I sound as normal as ever on the air. On the
other hand, it seems like it would be inevitable that I would increasingly
feminize internally as well as externally, the more hormones I ingest.
What happened to me on Tuesday was spiritual. I felt Jack dying, and went
thru this INTENSE thing, like giving birth, without the labor pains. Then I
came back as female, with my coordination all off, and a whole different
outlook on the world. It's great. I"ve never been happier.
I still can't bring myself to appear as Lili locally, but I look pretty
androgeneous, and get questioning looks from lots of people. It's OK - I
can't see suddenly walking around with a padded bra, unless I'm somewhere
trying to pass as a woman, which does work now, and I do it whenever I get
out of town.
Maybe it was just the hormones. They make you cry, no doubt about
that, but JESUS, was this a wild experience. Like LSD or something. I feel
like I must have gone thru what born-again christians experience at the time
of rebirth. Only I didn't end up a christian, just a chick. A kinda ugly
one, unfortunately. Oh well, that's what make-up is for.
Maybe it's just my imagination, but with the high dosage of hormones
I'm taking, (for my body weight of 155 lbs.) I think this is bound to last.
And increase, is my expectation.
I'm being a little different, I smile a lot more, laugh a lot more freely,
gesture more freely, but don't walk differently, due to the fact that my
body fat redistribution hasn't occurred yet. My shrink says that's what
determines the female walk. Talking, I kinda talk differently to my wife, and
some friends, but not at work. I've told a number of people there what's
happened, but I haven't started doing things differently.
The best thing is that I'm ONE PERSON instead of two! I don't remember ever feeling this at peace with myself. I love it.
March 27, 1999
Friday night I went to see some live music. This beautiful young woman who had been at the station encouraged me to go, so I accidently slipped back into the Jack mode as I prepared to go, intending to dance.
As I went inside, I realized that it had been a mistake. I was moving like Jack. Wearing my ancient motorcycle jacket and black jeans, walking hunched and tensely, one woman even called at me, "Hey you - the sinister lookin guy!" My mood was crumbling, tho the band was great. I was miserable. A friend named Brian came over and talked to me, and I spilled my whole story - saying I'm in the process of changing my gender. He was obviously knocked for a loop, but seemed to understand me. I even told him that Jack had left my body earlier this week - due in part possibly to my last possibility of a girlfriend saying that she couldn't be romantic with me, citing something that I did back in December that brought her to the realization that it wouldn't work. I said to Brian, "I just wanted one more relationship as a guy!", and was on the verge of crying. He really sympathized with me, and offered to buy me another beer. But they'd announced last call, and no more beer. I'd had enough though.
Then this morning, I decided to go to town to buy some new clothes, maybe even get my ears pierced, when I ran off the road in my daughter's car, ran thru a wire fence and screeched to a halt at a 45° angle sideways at the top of a cliff.
I managed to climb out without causing the car to roll down the hillside, and a passing driver called the tow truck. Then the driver saw the predicament, and had to call a 2nd truck, and the CHP. They were blown away, and I was told how lucky I was. The car was pulled back up over the edge, and I drove home, with part of the wire fence stuck between the fender and the headlight. Scratched the hell out of her car, It'll probably cost me at least $500. Needless to say, it took Jack's stamina to deal with this miserable situation without crying. What a bummer.
Can you imagine all this? To be taken to heaven for 3 days, then to be dragged back to earth literally thru a barbed wire fence? What a mindfuck this is. Not having fun yet, I'll tell you. But I'm starting to climb out of this pit.
April 7, 1999
Another step along the way occurred this week, but it wasn't as pleasant as the last one. I again feel "off" for a couple of days. Two days ago, I felt like wearing a tight top to work, although it made my tiny breasts kind of visible. No one mentioned it, but I know that one acquaintance of mine who came in wondered what the heck was going on with me. Then yesterday I realized that another hormonal wave was on its way. I had a rough day at work - personnel hassles that arose. Nothing to do with my personal life, but it upset me very much. Then I talked to my spouse, and had a very emotional heart-to-heart talk. We're very close, and have an excellent relationship, though we can no longer live together. We both ended up crying, hugged, then I left. On the way out of her driveway I started crying hysterically, and continued all the way home, having to pull over a couple of times. When I got home, I composed myself to talk to my daughter, and that was that. But this morning when I looked in the mirror, I realized that I really did not feel like the person I saw. I felt deformed. I again knew that I can't keep dressing like a male much longer, but with this face, I can't comfortably go fulltime yet either.
April 13, 1999
I've been very emotional lately. Thus far it was mostly noticable in that I cry freely when I'm alone, sometimes for no particular reason, but usually at the end of a work week. But that really started before I began HRT. Now I find that I get excited over things that used to kind of go over my head, like suspicions of ulterior motives in associates. It used to bother me, eat at me, but I'd only discuss it with my wife or a close friend who is involved. Now I tend to shoot my mouth off about it, to whichever of my co-workers I'm talking with. That's the kind of thing I used to observe in my female co-workers. Men would usually furrow the brow and say "hmm," and leave it at that.
Today I saw an old friend at the station - not a close friend - but someone whom I've known for about 10 years, and occasionally share a wisecrack or two, and that's about it. But today, I had a strong urge to hug her, so I did, and said "Thank you for being such a wonderful person." She was blown away, of course, since I never used to do things like that, but she smiled, and kind of returned a similar compliment. It felt very nice.
Last night I felt the need to talk to a friend to share my concerns. Not wanting to run up my phone bill calling a TS pal, all of whom are long distance, I called a pickin' buddy who I had to hang up on earlier this week when he called me at work. There was a little distance, probably since it is so unusual that I ever call him up just to talk. Finally I just started saying, "Man, it sure is intense lately," or something like that, and just started talking about my moodiness and recent mind trips. I had previously told him that I was taking estrogen for my dysphoria, but apparently he wasn't cognizant that I was really going thru transition. Finally when I couldn't make it clear how I was changing, I just blurted it out, that I'm going thru gender transition. Obviously it blew his mind to some degree, although I had described the symptoms of my situation. We ended up laughing when I told him I'm learning some Bessie Smith songs. He saw that as a good approach, and we decided to get together this weekend to play music together, as we have for almost 20 years.
Today it occured to me that the reason I'm so sad when I tell my friends about this is because I'm really starting to say goodbye to them. Jack is leaving for good. I feel like I'm going on a one-way journey to Europe, and will never be back. I feel very good about the changes, but it makes me sad, and until now I didn't know why. I said goodbye to Jack several weeks ago - now I'm saying goodbye to my closest friends. I'm not leaving town, but Jack is.
My breasts are now probably size AA. They barely look like pectorals anymore. At this rate, I won't be going shirtless in public this summer!
April 19, 1999
Hi ________,
I hope everything is good with you.
I had to write, because I missed being at at this evening's group session so much. All day I was feeling disconcerted, thinking about having to miss the session because I had to go to a staff party.
So I went, and it was an OK party, great food and a lot of laughs, but I was thinking the whole time, here I am, pretending to be their old buddy Jack, when Jack never really existed. They're great people, but I feel like I'm a person of color in disguise at a Ku Klux Klan meeting. It felt so heartbreaking, that I kept going outside to escape.
I was thinking on the way there that this was why I was so angry for so many years. Not angry at anyone or anything - except maybe angry at myself for not letting myself exist. For making myself pretend to be some kind of macho urban street dude. For making myself change into someone else from the age of 5, until I was 45. For forcing a sensitive 5-year-old kid to try to be a man.
Anyway, I just needed to make connection with you, to somehow touch base with myself, since I was really at the group session in spirit, while Jack was forced to put in an appearance at the staff party.
April 21, 1999
Hi _________!
I'm thinking,
here I am, with one foot out of the TS closet, starting a call-in program on
whatever anyone wants to talk about? Am I out of my mind? Yes, of course I
am. But I just couldn't say no when the manager polished my ego, saying I
should do what was a spontaneous half-hour vamp when a host cancelled, on a
weekly basis.
I am absolutely dying to climb out of my cage. I have shortness of
breathing. I'm sometimes brought to my knees by this dysphoria. It's like it
was before I started HRT, except this time hormones won't fix it. only going
fulltime will fix it. I'm overdue.
Yesterday I stripped down to my pink tanktop at work in desperation. No one
said anything. I think if I just get a few more unisex tops, pluck my
eyebrows a little more, I can jump the fence in the very near future. Either
that or go completely bonkers. Last night I even filled out the application
to the blues camp at the end of June checking the box FEMALE, because I'll
have to be living as a female by then or lose it completely.
Yesterday a friend's dog was kind of jumping on me, which of course
wasn't bothering me, but his owner said, "Stay off of him!"
And I actually found myself thinking "Him? HIM? Hey, dude, get your pronouns
right!" But I didn't say anything - I was too surprised at my feelings to
say anything.
Of course all my TS friends are encouraging me to just do it. Just start
dressing. Yesterday I had to make the excuse that I don't have any summer
clothes, which is sort of true. But the fact is all my summer stuff is
feminine, not middle of the road. I have these long deadhead skirts, but to
go with them I just have longsleeve sweaters, and it's in the 80's every day
now. I need to shop shop shop. I also need to get my co-worker to go with me, since I love her taste in clothes.
I'm not a religious person, but if you, as a Catholic do daily praying, why
don't you throw one in for me. I can't believe I'm saying this. I am
absolutely in torment over this. The tears are in my eyes. I need help, and
no one here can help me. And no one on the net can help me. I just need
strength.
April 24, 1999
Two mornings ago, Wednesday, I woke up around 4:15, still ripped apart by the feelings that struck me that I just wrote about on Monday, in the above letter I wrote to a friend. I looked in my closet for something that looked less masculine that the rest, finally pulled on a women's Hawaiian shirt and tight black Levis. It wasn't the same as wearing a skirt, but I'm still working as a guy.
On the five-minute drive to work, I was singing to myself the song Lili Marléne, trying to remember the words, which are:
Outside the barracks by the corner light
I aways stand and wait for you at night
We will create a world for two
I wait for you the whole night thru
For you Lili Marléne
For you Lili Marléne.
Bugler, tonight don't play the call to arms
I want another evening with her charms
Then we will say goodbye and part
I'll always keep you in my heart
With me, Lili Marléne
With me, Lili Marléne.
Give me a rose, to show how much you care
Tie to the stem a lock of golden hair
Surely tomorrow you'll feel blue
But then will come the love that's new
For you Lili Marléne
For you Lili Marléne
When we are marching in the mud and cold
And when my pack seems more than I can hold
My love for you renews my might,
I'm warm again, my pack is light,
It's you, Lili Marléne
It's you, Lili Marléne.
I couldn't remember half of the words, and was thinking of occupied France, when I was struck by an incredible sentimental sadness, and the tears started flowing. Then I started sobbing uncontrollably, then started howling like a banshee. I could barely drive. Whether I was half-remembering a previous life, in which maybe I really was Lili, or was just nailed by the hormones, I don't know. But as I arrived at work, I was still sobbing. I barely managed to pull myself together in time to sign on the radio station. Then I did OK, but it was really, really hard.
I called my therapist, and told her about it. She asked, is there anything keeping you from going fulltime? I said, well, we're having a ten day pledge drive, and I don't want to make everyone uncomfortable. She said when is it over, and I told her May sixth. She asked if I can last until then, and I said I can try. Then she started to suggest, unless you want to make it a -- and I finished her thought -- A selling point? She said yes, a selling point. I said no, I don't think I can do that. I'm not Howard Stern. So I set May sixth as the date I can start living as a woman.
May 4, 1999
As the first day of the Real Life Test (or RLT, the beginning of living as a female) approaches, I find myself telling dozens of people at work about my plans. Primarily it's to let everyone know that this is no joke, and so they won't think I'm pulling a gag when they see me looking different. Also I'm setting fire to my safety net. Everyone is very supportive - I never cease to be amazed at the number of true friends I now realize I have. I'm telling them that Jack is gone, and that in the interim period they can call me CJ. I can't bring myself to tell everyone in town that my name is Lili; that really doesn't fit me yet. I may ultimately change my name to something that uses the initials CJ, such as Cate Jacqui, who knows. I don't really know who I am yet, so I'll just let my personality develop and see where I end up.
On Thursday I'll be leaving town, to spend a couple days on the road, I hope in a different vehicle than my old pickup, visiting my friends, and getting used to life as Lili. Then on Monday, back to work as a different person. Don't let me back down from this. I need more strength now than I've ever needed before.
May 6, 1999
This is the first day of my publicly living enfemme. To say I'll be fulltime is not exactly true, since my daughter doesn't want to see me as Lili, and we still live together. She wants the house, so she can have it. I can't live with her if she can't accept me, so I found a cabin that just needs a little work before moving in.
So far, I feel good. My co-worker, a great friend who I work with slept on my sofa last night since we both worked till 2 AM. She knows about me, so this morning I got up, wore a long skirt & sweater, piled my hair up on the top of my head, put on some makeup and went into the kitchen. She told me later that she awoke, heard a noise, looked up, saw a woman, and thought, Gee, Jack didn't tell me he had a roommate. Then she realized it was me. That made me feel great. Everyone at work is very accepting, but it will take awhile before they stop calling me Jack (I'm going by CJ now), and quit calling me "him". I haven't yet asked them to change the pronouns to female yet. I'll give them a day or two.
I have a 4 day weekend underway, so I'm off to start real life with Lili!
