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Part III - Paradise Lost
December 1997 to March 1998 |
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- December 20th 1997
- Well I managed to drag myself from out of bed.
- Yoikes. It was REAL scary picking my parents and brother up from the
airport.. I couldn't believe I was 41 and scared of meeting my parents!!! I
won't use the word 'apprehensive' as that's just a word adults use when they are
too scared to admit they are scared. :-)
- When I went to the airport to pick them up I was a tad nervous.. No let me
rephrase that - terrified. I couldn't figure out why - I mean I'm 41 for God's
sake. What's going to the airport to pick your parents up compared to a crowded
shopping mall on a Saturday! (Sly grin) I chose jeans and a white top - very
non- confronting. When my sister and I got to the airport and parked, I had to
stand next to the car composing myself and puffing away on a cancer stick. I
think Sis was getting a little cheesed off with me, because I kept saying 'Do I
look ok?' every five minutes. In any case, when we went in, it wasn't nearly as
bad as I imagined.
- Still, my mother has come round. She called me 'Kim' for the first time
today and used the word 'she' which was really nice of her. I've got to go and
do the tourist bit with them this afternoon..
- I had to take them out to do the 'tourist' bit - you know, the Rocks,
Botanical gardens, Darling harbour and so on. It didn't phase my mother, but it
took a while for my father and brother to see that the looks I was getting were
not because of whether I 'pass' or not, but rather that the looks were
appreciative (mainly of my legs). They tended to walk about ten feet back.. One
of the amzing things was that I have been doing a lot of the cooking at home
while they have been here and to my utter amazement, both my father and brother
wolfed down everything I made. This is so, so different from when I lived at
home - it seems like centuries ago, when I used to get the shaking head routine
every time I started to cook. The unsaid statement being 'girls cook - boys
don't'
- On Christmas day we are having all of my sisters in law and his mother over
for a BIG dinner. Turkey, Hams, the whole bit. Guess who's cooking? Heh Heh...
- Oh, you'll be happy to know I've become really 'blonde'. In the last few
weeks the following has happened:
- · My toast wouldn't come out of the toaster. I got worried as it might burn,
so I tried to get it out by fiddling with the push-arm-thingey, to no avail. I
started to get real worried when smoke started to come out and called out for my
brother in law. He walked in, switched the toaster off at the wall and hey
presto, the toast popped out. Duh #1
- · Then I sat with a tape recorder for half an hour getting increasingly
frustrated that I couldn't get it to record. I gave up and went to my brother in
law, who calmly un-pressed the 'pause' button. Duh #2
- · I wanted to watch TV, so I turned the TV and stereo on, but no sound came
out. I checked all the cables and fiddled with the thousand or so knobs on the
front but no sound. 'Help!' my brother in law came in. I looked sheepish and
said I thought I'd broken it. He walked over, turned the sound knob up and guess
what? Sound. Duh #3
- · A couple of days ago, Sis and hubbie got a playstation for the kids for
Christmas. They went out, so I decided to have a go racing a car around a track.
Boring really, but I was bored anyway. I plugged it in, pressed the reset button
and waited. Two symbols appeared on the TV. One was a picture of some notes and
the other was a bunch of little cartridge shapes. I moved the pointer around and
pressed every damn button on the screen. The game would not start. I opened the
manual and read it from cover to cover. I must say manuals have become
increasingly difficult to read now. I get confused easily. I gave up. When they
came back, I asked Hubbie how to make the game start. He sat in front of the
machine, opened the lid and put the game CD in. 'You really need to have the CD
in the unit to make it work, you know..' Duh #4
- · I spent about five minutes trying to unscrew the top of a beer bottle.
Hubbie was sitting at the counter and started laughing. I kept saying 'what?'
but he just kept watching me struggle with this bottle. 'Ok', I said in the end,
'I give up. I don't have the strength anymore. YOU do it.' He got up, walked
past me to the utensil drawer and took out a bottle opener. It wasn't a
screw-top.. Duh #5
- I also lose track of conversations really easily now as well. Hubbie
delights in confusing me by walking up and staring at the ceiling. Eventually I
crack and look, but by then I've completely forgotten what we were talking
about. There's never anything to look at, but it distracts me anyway.
- For the record, this new 'blondness' I'm acquiring is a great source of
amusement to everybody. Sis finds it really hysterical. She says she can't
understand how I can build and think in detail about really complex programming
and database tasks and yet have absolutely no mastery of even the simplest
mechanical devices.
- Gawd! Do I need a man around or what?
- December 25th 1997
- I'm still sick. I am also getting tender skin and I cough ALL night. It's
incredibly draining. I feel like I haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks. I
think I'll have to go to the doctor, except it'll have to wait until after
Christmas.
- Christmas day was a hoot at first. Sis and I spent ages pre- preparing food,
but not the turkey, ham, pork, mince pies or cakes. We were going to get up
early and do them on the 25th for lunch. 8am on Chrissy Day, the oven blew up.
Arrrrggggghhhhhh.. Sis called the electricity emergency hotline and asked
whether that was considered an emergency. To our complete surprise, she said
'Absolutely! No turkey? Or ham! I'll get someone round as quick as I can...'
- The guy turned up at around 10 am and it took about an hour for him to jerry
rig it to work. Neither Sis nor I could help as we were frantically trying to
get the other stuff ready. We just made everything but the hot stuff by noon.
The turkey and the other stuff was late, but ok.. Pheww..
- At noon people started arriving. As usual the kitchen was overflowing with
people, but we managed to eject them by walking around the kitchen holding
scalding hot pans.. *grin*
- None of us bought presents for each other as planned, because the sheer cost
would have broken us all. So it revolved around kids ripping paper up and
crowing about gifts. The party started at around 1:30 but I left about 3pm to go
and have a long cry in my room. I just missed the girls so much...
- It made my heart ache to see the kids crowded around sis and hubby and their
grand parents. I began to see the heart ache my parents felt on seeing their son
now their daughter.
- It is so hard to understand for people who have not lost loved ones through
this process. I miss both of my girls so much.
- My brother is avoiding me like crazy. I spoke to him briefly and he just
said "I can't deal with this" and walked away.
- December 28th 1997
- Still very sick. This is getting worrying.
- Sis took ma and pa and bro and me to a high class resturant for a Christmas
lunch without the kids around. I have this gorgeous silk dress and decided that
I was sick of being ultra-non- confrontive with the family (I had been wearing
jeans and a light top all the time) and decided to wear it. It's not trashy or
outrageous mind.. I'm not like that.. I looked quite ok..
- My father looked pole-axed when he saw me. My mother managed to get out
'That's nice dear..' which amused me no end. Anyway, we went to this restuarant
and had a great meal and lots of wine. My parents only slipped a few times,
which caused a bit of confusion for the waitress.. :-)
- I had a long and involved argument with my father about my childhood. It was
civil, but I could see he was getting very annoyed because he absolutely
believes that all the beatings he gave me and the way he treated us was the
'right' thing to do as it made us all 'better adults'. I was arguing that that
was crap and it has given me no social skills whatsoever and I was fucked up for
decades because I didn't believe I was worth anything. I kept saying: "So what
you're saying is that it is good for a child to try to commit suicide three
times before they are 18 and be brought up to believe they are worthless?"
- As we were leaving (all trashed) we had to go through the main part of the
restuarant. Now the floor there is polished (and I do mean POLISHED) wood. Tipsy
and wearing heels I managed to NOT fall over.. I actually didn't really notice
until the girl cashier complimented me on being able to negotiate the floor. She
said a lot of women fall over.. Made me feel good.... Heh heh..
- December 30th 1997
- We took them to the airport. Everything seemed fine, but I could see they
were all desperate to get away. I tried to bridge the gap a few times, but
everything slipped into the old routine of saying platitudes and ignoring
reality. My brother practically ignored me the whole time. It made me feel very
sad. I know I won't see them for a very long time now.
- Oh, and I'm still sick. It's just about all I can do to get out of bed.
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