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Part III - Paradise Lost
December 1997 to March 1998 |
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- March 20th, 1998
- It's 3:30am. I've just woken up crying at the most graphic and horrible
nightmare I have ever had. Anybody know how to interpret dreams? It went like
this:
- I didn't get the job. My car was stolen. I have moved into a dive with a
couple of other girls. I have a room. It's small. A few cardboard boxes in one
corner. A doona and pillows on the floor. I have no money. I'm sitting cross
legged in the middle of the floor. The walls are flaking with black paint
covering mildew. The carpet is faded and stained. It's cold. In front of me a
piece of plaster lands with a kind of slow motion puff of dust in front of me. I
look up. The roof is coming apart very, very slowly. Dust floats down and is
caught in a ray of greyish light. I see cracks slowly forming in the walls. I
drag in a shuddering breath of air and a wave of desolation seems to wash over
me. I sit and tears slide down my face and I feel a decision form in my mind. I
reach forward to a notepad and begin to write. A pile of letters form by my
side. They are addressed to all my friends all over the world. The words are:
"I'm sorry. I can't go back and I can't seem to move forward. I'm tired.
Thankyou for all your help. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's over." I then get up,
walk to the door with the letters under my arm. As I leave the room I hear a
sigh of dust and I know the room has collapsed. I walk down the stairs without
looking back. The steps behind me fall into a black abyss as I pass them. I walk
out onto the street. It is deserted. I push the letters into a post box and
begin to walk, tears streaming down my face, my body shuddering in pain. I reach
South Head. I stand there on the edge of the cliff and take out my last
cigerette. When it is finished I flick it out over the cliff into the sea. "One
way to stop smoking I suppose" I whisper. It is just before dawn. I strip naked
and carefully fold my clothes and place them in a small pile. I stand on the
edge and look out over the grey sea and close my eyes. I can hear my breathing
clearly and it seems to coincide with sound of the breakers far below. I feel a
breeze and a touch of a light shower. I extend my arms out wide, palms up and
face upwards. The rain drifts across me and runs down my face and body. It feels
warm. I can feel the first rays of the sun touch my forehead and move down my
face. The warmth moves down my neck, my shoulders, my breasts, my tummy. But
when it almost reaches my hips, I open my eyes, look down at the water and feel
a wash of deep peace flood me. I can feel a smile form on my lips and I mouth
the words "It's over". I take a step forward.
- Hands grab me and I feel myself pushed roughly to the ground. Four men. "No!
You don't understand. I can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to be saved.
Let me die in peace." I struggle and look up at them. They are smiling. And it's
not nice. One pushes his face right against mine and says: "Oh, we're not saving
you. If you want to die, you can. We won't stop you. At least not yet. First we
are going to have some fun." Then they each rape me. I scrabble at the rocks and
try to crawl to the cliff edge but they keep dragging me back. I manage to turn
and see busloads of people standing behind the fence. They are just watching.
Some have cameras and are taking pictures and chatting to each other. I feel an
emptiness form in my mind and cease struggling. The four men finish. I look up
at them. I start to turn away and the one who spoke grabs me and says: "It's not
over yet darlin'. You know the next bit." I slowly turn to them and say "I'm
sorry." They laugh and walk away. I can't walk. I crawl, covered in grazes and
cuts towards the cliff edge. I reach the edge. I get to my knees. I begin to
fall forward. Hands pull me back roughly. I struggle and turn and see a line of
men stretching back far into the distance. I feel my eyes close and my head fall
to my chest. The hands push me down to the rocks and the next four start.
- I woke up with such a start, sat up and wailed: "I WANT TO BE SAVED.
PLEASE!" I was drenched in sweat and the doona was a ragged bundle on the floor.
- It's all crap of course. I have no intention of jumping off a cliff, but it
was the first nightmare I've had in nearly a year. Makes a mockery of my
statement to the potential employers doesn't it?
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