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Purgatory
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1996 - Age 40
- I've been in therapy dealing with the issues and have resolved them. I used
to get so angry and impotent with my father and blamed him for everything, but I
began to see there was no future in doing that. I didn't have the right to judge
the man today, because he is not the man today who used to hit me and make my
life hell then. I had to move on and let it go.
- I'm happy and content with my choice and want to start the process as soon
as possible. I can't do it in Perth though. I have too much of a high profile
here. And besides, the discrimination is appalling. I will move to Sydney at the
end of June.
- I have started Electrolysis on my face. It takes ages and costs a lot, but I
have to start now, otherwise I will have to go full-time with a beard which is
not what I want to do.
- I went for a trip to finalize all my plans. I drove around Australia for the
last time as my 'male' self. Each time I did something like climb Ayers Rock, I
smiled and thought, 'His last climb' and so on. I was gradually letting go of
the man who had struggled so hard and had kept the real me alive for so long.
- People started asking me if I will have a funeral for 'him'. I keep saying
that it is not death. I want something more like a wake anyway. He is so tired
and so lonely. He fought so hard and was in such pain. I want to gently lay him
down and smooth his brow and let him rest. He will always be with me, even when
I am Kim. He was a good friend and kept me alive for forty years.
- 1997 - Late June
- My 'Ex has said she will sell the house. I didn't want her to because I
think she is doing it to give me money for the change. She is adamant though and
asked me how much I think is fair for my share. I simply totalled up what I had
paid towards the mortgage and said that amount. It is about 10% of the worth of
the house, but I want her to have enough to be able to buy a nice place for her
to live and be happy. I can start again. I've done it before.
- I found H. My 6' Dutchman. We went to high school together and he was my
best friend. I always wanted something to happen between us, but he is all-male.
I used to dream about him when I was a teenager, but when I woke up I would be
ruthlessly hard on myself for even having such dreams. Even then, I was denying
what I really felt for him. But that's in the past now. He is a senior officer
now and I feel so sorry for him as he has changed into a bitter and tortured man
as he has seen his ideals about doing good shattered and trampled by corruption
and the daily grind of dealing with murder, rape and what not.
- I ummed and ahhed about speaking to him because of my feelings. Eventually I
called him at his office and arranged a meeting. He was so happy to see me and I
had to try really hard not to hug him. We sat and talked and I spilled the beans
about what I was about to do. He was amazed but ok about it. He started to
waffle a bit and I found myself just sitting with my head resting on my hands
looking dreamily at him. He stopped and asked me if I was ok. I smiled and said
yes. Then he said that he wanted to know if I'd come to his wedding as Kim or or
my old self. Married? H? Oh God..
- I excused myself and went to the loo. I then sat and sobbed for a little
while. Then I dried my eyes, washed my face and returned. I smiled, gave him a
big hug and said I probably wouldn't be able to make the wedding. He was sorry
and wished me well. I dropped him off and drove home. I lay in bed and cried
myself to sleep. I now know how much I love him and how cruel life can be.
- I was very sick at the time of the wedding. I have to say I think it was
psychosomatic as I couldn't bear to see him with another woman, but I sent a cab
with a message to the reception telling him how much I cared and wished him
happiness with his new wife.
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