ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:

 "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

 "Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies."

 "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."

 "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an ASSHOLE!"

 "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
 ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

 "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public 
schools"

 "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

 "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."

 "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

 "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! 

 "We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse."

 "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

 "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

 "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
      find a rock."

 "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

 "Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes."

 "Cover me.  I'm changing lanes."

 "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."

 "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."