There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand.

He keeps staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally
detained by a policeman ...

PM: "What's the problem, buddy?"

DRUNK: "Someone stole my car! *hic*"

PM: "Where did you last see it?"

DRUNK: "It was right here on the end of my car key ..."

PM: "Uh huh. Did you happen to notice your fly is open?"

DRUNK: *Looking down at his fly* "Omigod occifer! Someone stole
       my girlfriend, too!"

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A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to
make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he
crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a
confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow
was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the
confessional.  But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any
toilet paper on your side?!?"