Noah & the bureaucracy


And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded
thee to build?"

And Noah replied, "Behold, when I journeyed to the Jordan County
Planning  and Zoning office for a permit, verily they railed against me
and said, "Thy property is not zoned for an ark thirty cubits high. Thou
wouldst require a 1040 review, environmental impact studies and a public
hearing for a variance..."

"And behold, when I toldst them it would be a temporary usage, they
asked where I was going with a three-storied ark?  I explainest to them
about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the flood-gates of
the sky. And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights and
minimum stream flow regulations and flood plain studies.  I barely
escaped with my life.

"An another thing, oh Lord, my lot is zoned for a single-family dwelling,
and Thou has planned ark condos for even my three sons and their
wives. That wouldst be a multifamily development.

"That reminded me, oh Lord, last week at the homeowners' meeting, I
mentioned the animals.  They reminded me of the covenants.  Feeling
a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list... lions,
elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, two by two, and fowls
of the air, seven by seven.  Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense
of humor and sought to smite me.  But I will work on it. Couldst Thou
please assign a bodyguard?"

And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, doest thy best...I'll take
care of you.  But I need the ark completed in two fortnights.  Do not
faileth!"

Noah answered and said, "It will be so."

But it was not so.  And the Lord saith, "Noah, where is the ark?"

And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been
giving me fits.  Thou didst specify gopherwood beams on one cubit
centers on the second level.  Code requires that gopherwood beams be
placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing
strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos.  When I left, they were
calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus.
Lord, I thinketh that we are in trouble with the animals.

"And Lord, The plan checker wenteth into a fit and gnashed his teeth
when he saw that the plans called for only one door on the whole
building.  He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits
on each level."

And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule called for the ark to be
completed before Christmas.  Worketh thou very hard!"

And Noah answered, "Christmas?  What's Christmas?"

"In by Christmastime!  It's just an expression used in the building
trade. It doesn't mean a thing."

And Noah answered, "Verily, it shall be done."

But behold, it was not done.  And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is not
ready."

And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and last
Monday was a holiday.  And the fowls of the air Thou ordered by
sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots."

Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying "Oh Lord, I am undone."

And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah.  Now thou
understandeth why I have called for a flood to descend upon the earth."