Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was
playing in the backyard one morning.  Soon, some honeybees started swirling
around, annoying little Johnny.  He began stomping on them in his temper.
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of
thought said, "That's it!  No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon
started catching them and crushing them under his feet.  His father again
caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you
for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy
when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.  She began
stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's
mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me
to?"

-----------------------------

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for 
sexual innuendo.  But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of
sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some
eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.  With much fear and trepidation,
the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.  He was
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.  And they all attacked at
one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with
sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to 'f--k' with the Lone Ranger."

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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to
his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

--------------------------------

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening
to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining
room. She heard the train stop and the son said,  "All you sons of bitches
who wantoff, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and
all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam
train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language
in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think
about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train 
again, but I want you to use much nicer language.

Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with
the train.  Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you.  Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you
will ride with us again soon.  For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow
your hand luggage under the seat.

Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope
you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you
who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly 
stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

-------------------------------

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.  Her reply is, "Gentlemen
don't ask ladies that question."  Johnny then asks his mother how much she
weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"  To this, the mother says,
"you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.  When he
picks it up, her driver's license falls out.  The boy looks it over and goes
back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now.  You are 36 years old,
weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"