 WTC members Stephen Weitz, David Douglas and Ryan Osmond (in turban) disguised as surrendering Iraqi troops in order to aid the Bush Administration's War Effort |
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AL BASRA, IRAQ (March 26, 2003) In a stunning announcement the Bush Administration has admitted that it has utilized the service of actors disguised as surrendering Iraqi troops to boost morale and raise public support of the War Effort. When television reports late last week showed video of what looked like surrendering Iraqi soldiers, Iraqi Defense Minister Tariq Aziz stongly denied the claim saying that the videos depicted not Iraqi soldiers but "stupid Infidels" pretending to be Iraqis. Closer examination of the videotape reveals that several of the men do not appear to be of Middle Eastern descent, but rather look like Americans. Defense Department spokesmen initially refuted Aziz's claims, but under growing international pressure the White House finally made the admission late today that some of those images were not completely as they appeared to be. In an afternoon briefing White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer said: "We do confirm that a small number of international diversionary agents are being used in Operation Iraqi Freedom, but we would certainly not call them actors and it was never our intent that they should intentionally mislead the American People." When asked to define the term "diversionary agents" Mr. Fleischer |
refused further comment on the basis of mission security. Our reporters have discovered that these "international diversionary agents" were perhaps not actors in the traditional sense, but three of them are members of the world-famous Weehawken Theatre Caravan, a New Jersey-based international band of traveling players. The trio was recruited personally by White House chief Political Adviser Karl Rove in order to "give the impression that the Iraqi regime was crumbling." The identity of the three players has been released. They are: Stephen Weitz, 34, of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania; Ryan Osmond, 37, of Queens, New York; and David Douglas, 25, of Miami Beach, Florida and Milan, Italy. The Pentagon claims that all three have been trained in hand-to-hand combat, but further investigation revealed that that training was "stage combat" training, and would be useless in a real-world combat situation. When pressed, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld refused to say that placing individuals on the field of battle without legititmate combat training and experience was reckless, but he did admit that it "would certainly make them much more vulnerable in an attack or ambush." An aide to a high-ranking Administration official speaking on condition of anonymity added: "these guys are dispensible. They're not real actors, they're traveling players -- cheap carny trash -- a dime a dozen. They can easilly be replaced -- with the travel opportunity and the 20 Equity points we're offering, hundreds of actors will line up for a gig like this. If we need more we'll just put an ad in Backstage."
When reached for comment late this afternoon Weitz' attorney, Johnny Cochran said he and the Rev. Jesse Jackson were flying to the region immediately in order to plead for the timely release of the imprisoned players, though where they were imprisoned, and by who, remains a mystery. He said he had not been informed of Weitz' plans prior to the incident and was "dismayed" by the news that his client was in such an unenviable position. In Mr. Cochran's absence his associate Ron Ross, a talent agent who claimed to represent several of the players, made himself available to the media. Mr. Ross, a lizard-like man in a tattered Izod shirt claimed to be "horrified" at the thought that "such fine young men were in harm's way", but then quickly recovered when a reporter asked if he would be representing the trio should negotiations begin for the television rights to their story.
In the telephone interview Mr. Cochran also added that the comments made by Bush Administration sources stating that Weitz and his colleagues were dispensible were "highly inflammatory" and he promised a quick legal battle. When asked what the basis of a lawsuit would be Cochran said he did not know exactly, then added "we'll find something."
We will continue to follow this breaking story and update you as details become available.
© 2003 WTC News