You get so hyper sometimes
With compliments you get
I loved your energy
but didn't understand
Now it makes sense
I am still flying high
from what I recieved yesterday
me, compared to the greats
I mean WOW
how do you take that?
That glow that you get
You know, the one I love so much
I see where it comes from now
My thanks and gratitude to DSR
for giving me something
I will NEVER forget

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Quoted Sketch
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

I am didn't catch it
There was a possibility back then
I thought you were cute
I was afraid
You drew me a picture
A woman sketch, caption
"Sometimes you just don't know who you are"
I've seen it many times in the past three years
Looked at it again yesterday
Finally I understand
You were gay too
Just looking for friends
I wish I had been out
To get to know you better
You knew before I did
That I was deceiving myself

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Intruder
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

I feel like an intruder
Sitting in your room
I know it's your style
Invite people in
Friends just hang out
It's not me
I love talking with you
So open and candid
You know how to listen
I love hearing about you
I really enjoy having you as a friend
You have your own life
You're used to doing your thing
Even while others are over
Sitting alone in your room
You on the phone down the hall
Your girlfriend went somewhere
House mates don't like me much
I just get uncomfortable
Sort of feel like
You're just being polite
Trying to make me feel welcome
Thanks, but...
I feel like an intruder

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Blindness
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

Why...
... am I always so blind?
... can't people just say things?
... don't I notice until it's to late?
... does it take me so long to see?
I never notice those little flirtations
Get nervous about boundaries
No one has ever treated me like I see other friends
Goofing around, touching a lot
I never notice the genuine interest
Don't see what people are saying
Can't tell if somebody likes me
Won't belive it when they say that they do
I am a blind woman
Lost in this world of sight and sound
Not noticing the things around me
Why am I this way
Confident one moment, Scared the next
Why am I always so blind?

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Wondering
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

I sit here wondering.
Wondering if you noticed that I left
Wondering if you feel bad because I didn't say good-bye
Wondering if I should go back
Hoping that you will come down to see if I am still here
Wondering if you even give a rip

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Bridget
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

Bringing us together with friendship
Reminding us that situations pass
Involving us in positive ways
Doing your best to help us succeed
Getting to know us
Engaging us in conversations
Teaching us how to communicate

Serving as our mentor
Enabling us to talk
Receiving our endless chatter with a smile
Inviting openness
Giving us leadership

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Making Friends
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

You always seemed like you hated me
I was never sure how to act towards you
You surprise me now and then with little things
Saying Hi to me, asking if I wish to help
Today you let me pick the music
Asked for my involvement in a project
It makes me wonder
If we are becoming friends

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Learning to Speak
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

It's a slow process
Takes time and patience
Finding the words is easy
Getting them out is hard
First you find the courage
But fear blocks you normally
Write it down, that's the way
NO, find your voice, Learn to Speak
Try again
You say it
Something you wanted to say for a while now
That is step one
Now you build yourself up again
Even if you fear what people thought of you last time
Eventually you will find your voice
Then you'll be free
To say
To feel
To Speak

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Lost Promotion
copyright Jan. 27, 2000

You worked there for a long time
They fucked you over
You deserved that job
She has far less experience than you
You know how to run the place
Could do it easily
She needs training
She sucks up
Got the job because she lied
Said the things they wanted to hear
You told the truth
You deserve better
They don't know what they are missing
They'll find out when you leave

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Eyes
copyright Jan. 28, 2000

I have never been able to look into any ones eyes

But yours are such a beautiful shade of pale blue

I am always afraid of what I will see there

That shade like the color of the sky on a crisp clear winter morning

That disgust at my being, hate, pity

The day after a major snow storm when everything is calm and white and the sky reflects the pristine beauty

Someone will see inside me, find out who I am

Your eyeliner, dark, black I think, can't tell in this light, makes your lashes seem longer

Only quick glances so no one will notice

I can tell you are smiling, those sexy wrinkles are accenting your cheeks, shooting like a tail of that comet like sparkle in your eyes

Never hold eye contact, it is too dangerous

I can't help myself those winter sky blue eyes draw me in

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Dream
copyright Jan. 29, 2000

It was a dream
To be with you like that
To be close to you
awaiting the moment
of meeting lips
knowing it is not meant to be
I am all wrong for you

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Self Incarceration
copyright Jan. 29, 2000

I stick my neck out
speak my mind in writing
I love you
I should never have said it
I know you can't leave
Not now anyway
Besides, you love her
When will I learn to shut up
You are taken
Now you will probably never speak to me
Why am I so stupid?

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I Want...
copyright Jan. 29, 2000

I Love You
I want to hold you
I want to be near you
To show you that I care
You are so beautiful
So loving
So passionate
You excite me
Cause emotions in me that I forgot were there
You are always in my thoughts
I see your face in my mind
I feel the softness of your cheek on my hand
Lingering memories of wiping your tears
I remember the pain I saw in your eyes
As they filled with water
I Love You darlin'
I want to hold you close
I want you to cry on my shoulder
I want to take care of you
I want...

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All Wrong
copyright Jan. 29, 2000

I am all wrong for you
This I know
You have told me what you are like
I am completely opposite in many ways
Things have to be perfectly neat
I am a slob
I can change though right
Not likely but I try
I like being neat
But it is hard
I'm not used to it
But I still want you
I can't help myself
I am all wrong for you
But I can work on that

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Touch
copyright Feb. 1, 2000

I have never been one to do a lot of touching
I tend to allow for free movement areas
I love close contact, but I don't want to make people uncomfortable
All I can do is think about being close to you
Hugging you, cuddling on the couch
Running my fingers through your hair
Drying your tears on my shoulder
Just having you near, even if I can't do anything or have anything more
To be in your presence with the hope of a touch
That is the minimum I hope for to be closer to you

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Life Is Confusing
copyright Jan. 29, 2000

Life is confusing
I love her
But can't be with her
I like some others
I want to date, to have a girlfriend
I love her
But she is taken
I will be her friend
Always be there if she needs anything
Now I'm confused
I love her
I want to be with her but can't
So I am not sure,
Should I date one of the others?
They are nice and I do have an interest
But I would go in knowing it won't last
If I get a chance with her I will take it, because
I Love Her

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AM LK AD IG
copyright Feb. 1, 2000

Bits of songs run through my head
Little known artists with wonderful lyrics
Great phrases to use in poems
Hard to resist stealing their words
I respect their talent so I find other ways
Using bits of songs to stimulate poems

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Eye Contact
copyright Feb. 1, 2000

I anticipate your letters
You told me you care
The poem I sent you
I wonder if you realize
It was about you
The topic you said you found important
It is to me too
I had just never been comfortable with it
'till now, with you

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Lessons Learned
copyright Feb. 1, 2000

You showed me something about myself that I didn't realize before
I am a lesbian, this I knew already
I find men interesting and have many as friends
With you, we talked a lot and had some fun
Give it a chance girl, I told myself
Well I did
Since that time I have done nothing but worry about consequences
I beat myself up
I betrayed my soul nature
I love women, every way, every form
Men are cool, but only as friends
I don't like the emotional beatings
Or feelings inside
You showed me this
I appreciate that
But you have to know
It won't happen again

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Boundary Waters
copyright Feb. 1, 2000

The setting sun's orange and crimson rays shimmering on the waters of a secluded lake in the northern woods.

Trees cloked and outlined in black against the colorful sky

Peaceful waters showing the slight ripple of a gentle summer breeze

Call of a solitary loon echoes across the distance

The crackle and pop of the campfire in the silence of the wilderness

Pleasant sents of sun warmed earth, wild evergreens, and clean fresh air

The cool smooth surface of rock against my back

This etherial beauty of unscared land goes unnoticed as I loose the essenceof my being before your eyes

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Coin Clean
copyright Feb. 3, 2000

The continual mechanic hum
of washing machines
filling, churning, rinsing, spinning
the repetitive click of metal falling
as the clothes spin in the dryer
white noise
easily blocked yet penetrates
nothing to think of but the hummmmmmm

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Good Grades
copyright Feb. 3, 2000

There's an assignment due today
I remember getting it but forgot to do it
I have not been concentrating on homework
More interested in girls than education
I am going to do better this year!
I will get good grades
This assignment will be late but never again
I am going to get all A's

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Wet Clothes
copyright Feb. 3, 2000

Dizzy
tumbling
Falling
Floating
Flying
Warm air
Sucking out the moisture
Drying

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Freedom
copyright Feb. 5, 2000

I wish you could speak freely
Without someone looking over your shoulder
You worrying that they might see something they shouldn't
You are so beautiful
In such pain
You want to cry but can't because they don't know
I want to be there to hold you
To take you away from it all
You don't deserve pain
You are such a loving person
So beautiful and kind
You put up with things you shouldn't have to
Share jokes and words that you know are false
I wish you could be free to say what you want
Without feeling like you are hurting someone
Without worrying that someone might get upset
You need your privacy too ya know
So you can talk to people without fear
So you can complain about your life
To this loving ear
So you can cry on someone's shoulder
And not fear the reactions of others
I am your friend
Who just happens to love you very much
I know you are taken
I don't mean to be a threat
If you are getting into trouble because of me
I am sorry
I can't help my feelings
and YOU need your freedom

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Day Dreams
copyright Feb. 6, 2000

I picture myself with you
Coming home from classes to your arms
Running my fingers over your beautiful face
Kissing your soft lips
I see us in the future
Holding hands as we walk on the beach
Enjoying a sunset as we relax on the sand
I see our vacations together
Exotic locations
A trip to the woods
Our house
Large and comfortable
Perfectly decorated
Your smile ever present
As we share our lives together

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Night Club Dancing
copyright Feb. 6, 2000

You are a strong woman though you would never belive it
You fear the world but I want to show you how nice it can be
You have this gleam in your eye that you claim to not see
You worry about your weight and think you are fat
I see you before me a strong sexy woman who deserves the best in life
Even when you are not near I see you in my mind
You don't like clubs, too many people
When I am dancing all I can do is think about dancing with you
Wishing you were there, in my arms, grooving to the music
Your wonderful presence filling my senses
I imagine a time when you no longer fear being in public
So we can dance the night away and not notice the other people

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Speak
copyright Feb. 8, 2000

Think... Write... Speak....
Speak...
Speak, I never seem to make it to that stage
I always get stuck somehow
I know how to form the words
I can make sounds with my voice that sound like speech
I know how to talk
But I don't know how to speak
Speak
Speaking my thoughts and feelings
I just can't do it
I can think them quite clearly
I am good at writing them down a lot of the time
I just can't make them in to audible words
Speak
The beats of a drum
The melody of a song
I can do those just fine
When it comes to putting sound to my poems
The rhythmic ability leaves me
Speak
I don't do this well
I have always learned that if you have something big to say
You write it
It is easier that way
People can deal with their emotions on their own
then write you back
Speak
Impassive babble about scientific things
Discussions on what could have changed in the past
The goal to educate future teachers
I can do that just fine
When it comes to my thought
My feelings
The words aren't there for my tongue to form
My fingers have access
My mind races with ideas
My voice doesn't exist
Think... Write... Speak...
Speak...
I just can't seem to get to that stage

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Your Rainbow
copyright Feb. 8, 2000

Red is the color of our cheeks after being out in the cold
Orange is the glow of the sunset on your skin
Yellow are the highlights in your hair
Green are the foods that you love to eat
Blue is the color of the expressive eyes that captivate me
Purple is the color that represents your love

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Roses
copyright Feb. 8, 2000

Roses can represent friendship or love
They can bring a smile to a sad face
They cheer people up and show sympathy for loss
Roses show caring and compassion
Their scent is intoxicating
Their beauty ranging in color mesmerises the heart
Roses make you feel good even when you are at your ropes end
They brighten the darkest of days
Letting you know that someone cares.

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Affection
copyright Feb. 8, 2000

Small things every day
Kind words, gentle touches
Gifts for you with no occasion
Rooms full of flowers to make you smile
Messages and poems where you will find them while I am away
Your favorite movies
Warm blankets and closeness on cold nights
The little things to show you I love you
So you will never doubt even in a fight
That my heart belongs to you

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On My Mind
copyright Feb. 8, 2000

Moments pass
I think about you
What you are doing
How you are feeling
I see your face, your body
I see your smile, your beautiful hands
I hear you say that you are afraid
I see the tears in your expressive eyes
I didn't want to leave
Will you be ok?
If I don't leave things will get worse
I love you my dear
Think about you always
Wish I could hold you
Take away your tears
For now all I can do is
Show you I care and remind you
You are always in my thoughts and
I Love You

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Unusual Kindness
copyright Feb. 15, 2000

You are such a wonderful person
You know what to say when I am down
You are friends with everyone
Cheering me up tonight
I mean the things you said made me feel really good
I am usually told I don't know how to do things
But you told me I was good at it
I can deal with things
You encouraged me to stay in the race
You made sure I was included
Why do you do that for me?
Why are you so nice to me?
It is obvious none of the others really like me
So why you?
You are wonderful and I am thankful to have you as a friend
Don't get me wrong on that
You just make me think sometimes
You make me feel like a person when you are nice to me
Especially when things happen that I can't control
Thank you for being my friend

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Just Want To Say...
copyright Feb. 15, 2000

I just wanted to tell you
That I think of you all the time
You occupy my mind
Bring a smile to my face
Make me warm thinking of your embrace
I just wanted to say
I like you in that way
That I would love to show you
How much I care
I love hearing from you
I anticipate your words
Truly I don't mind if you complain
Just sharing your feelings with me
Shows me you care
I can see that you trust me
I just want to say, darling,
That I love you
That I am always going to be here for you
I just want to say
Happy Valentines Day

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Napkin Poem
copyright Feb. 12, 2000

You drive me nuts sometimes
I love your company
But you don't think of me the same
There are things I would love to try with you
But don't dare ask seriously
We laugh and joke
Drink and dance
But it hurts they way you pull away
They are just jokes, when I say
By the gods I could kiss you
Why do you tease so much
Then freak out
When I joke about something
Like a Kiss?

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Jealous Girlfriend
copyright Feb. 16, 2000

I have this knack
for bringing things up at the wrong time
I just want to know what is up
I love you so much
I don't want to cause unnecessary suffering
You know that I care
So does she
I get the feeling that she is listening
She tries to make you hurt
When we talk or write
I am sorry about that
I don't regret telling you how I feel
I had to let you know
I can't take it back
My feelings are true
I don't know what to say
Other than I am sorry
That you have to live with a jealous girlfriend

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Downward Spiral
copyright Feb. 16, 2000

It seems that the longer this goes on the worse I feel
I was doing so good, I felt like a person
Every time I hear something from you I fall backwards
Down that spiral of my past towards the pits of depression
I am a good person
People do care about me
I am beginning to hate you for the way you make me think
The way you make me feel about myself as a person
I won't let you do this to me
All I can say now is Fuck Off
I am not going to listen any more
I am not going to hear what you think about me
I am not going to pay attention to how you treat me
I don't care anymore
I don't want to go down that spiral anymore
I will NOT fall into that deep depression again

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Co-workers
copyright Feb. 16, 2000

They are so wonderful
The women I work with
Even the guys in the warehouse
Friendly conversation
Fun jokes and mishaps
They have this way of making me smile
Even when I am making mistakes
They don't mind my questions
They encourage participation
Some of the comments border on flirtation
but only the ones from the guy in the warehouse
that always talks to me
I am glad I was working today
You really helped me out
Made me feel part of the group
Even shared some food
I love my job

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Hugs
copyright Feb. 16, 2000

You like hugs you said before
I love hugging you
Those long hugs that don't seem to end
The ones that go beyond the bounds of normal friendly gestures
Holding on just a little too long for friends
Don't ever stop that
Your hugs are so warm and loving
They make me glow inside

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Unchanging Distance
copyright Feb. 8, 2000

Just hearing your voice tonight, full of smiles and laughter
That will keep me going for a long time you know
I am glad you liked the cards I sent you
They are just a small token of appreciation
I hope you will like the rose and necklace as well
They are the other half of the valentine I got you
I wanted to give them to you in person
But, since I can't talk to you this weekend
I would like to send it just to say
That I am always near
Just a heartbeat away

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Jenn and Leah
copyright Feb. 16, 2000

The distance between Hartford and Boston can be great at times
But you seem to make it work out
You have been together for more than a year
Love is funny that way
Even with the separation you make it work
I wish you the best
Oh friend of mine
The best life has to offer for you and your girl
May you be happy and healthy
And may your days be filled with love and closeness
Despite the distances.

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You Make Me Smile
copyright Feb. 17, 2000

I think of you every day
Your glowing face brightens each moment
No matter how hard life is
I know you are there
To make me smile

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Healing
copyright Feb. 17, 2000

The candle burns after my ritual
Healing prayers, incantation, rocked my body with energy
I lye here communing with the goddess
Feeling the pulse of the earth
The flame continues to feed my soul
Sending me deeper into my trance
Allowing my dreams to take over
Formal ritual ended
Healing process just begun

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Sweet Voice
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

Thousands of miles
Just a touch of the finger
Connection made
First utterings
Sweet music
Female voice
Thick accent
That sexy voice
Don't be ashamed of your voice darlin'
Be proud of it
It has power
Use what you have
Don't be afraid of how you sound
Your voice is wonderful
I am glad I finally got to hear it
I want you to scream
Shout, sing, whisper
speak, cry, coo
Use your voice
It is there for a reason
Don't fear what people will think
They will love it

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Jealousy
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

Why is it that I get so fucking jealous?
Especially when I am the one who gave the damn advise
I should learn to keep my fucking mouth shut
Or learn to speak my feelings more
I am happy that you both now know how the other feels
Don't get me wrong on that
I am happy and you two are so cute together
I have always thought you would make a great couple
Even if you two don't get together in a relationship
Now that your feelings are known
Things will never be the same
The energy between you two will be more intense
The boundary is gone
There won't be that fun flirting any more
I again will be pushed aside
You two want to be alone
I loose more friends to relationships
I just can't be comfortable as a third wheel
I know you aren't monogamous and I shouldn't think this way
But it is hard to change ideas that have always been drilled into your head
I love the idea of polygamy
It makes so much scene in my mind
But I have this problem
Values pounded into my being struggle inside
you are the first polyamourous person I have known about
Who talks to me about life and feelings
I'm jealous is all
Jealous that you can sit and hold one another while watching TV
Jealous that you can show up at each others door step at the drop of a hat
Jealous of your happiness
Of your comfort with yourselves
Jealous of reciprocated feelings
The people I show my feelings to have never given me that response
The response you got from each other
That is what I am Jealous of

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Inclusion
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

You make me feel like a part of something I have always wanted
What I see in my friends with their other friends
You include me without question
In the flirting and teasing
You make me feel like a person
You make me feel like I am not ugly and fat
It is wonderful to be part of a group that doesn't shut me out
Inclusion is wonderful
I don't want to lose that ever
I love you guys

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Standing My Ground
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

Your intentions are good
You have this pure heart
There for people when they are hurting
Trying to work out something that you know will harm you
I care so deeply about you it hurts sometimes
I don't want to see you in pain
Sick all the time
I Love you, you know that right
I can't help it
I had to tell you and I can't drop it
Lately I have been thinking that I should though
I will always love you
It will hurt greatly to break contact
I can't handle this though
Being shot down all the time
I won't make any moves on you
You know that as well
I so desperately would love to hold your hand
To kiss you gently
To just be close to you
I don't dare
You are taken and aren't polyamourous
I want to take you away from your pain
I want to help you with everything you want
I want to be near you
I want to be your friend
How can I be your friend when I can't talk to you
When I can't see you
When I can't even speak my mind
All because I don't want to make things worse for you
Where you are
I have thought about cutting contact
Backing off
Because I don't like being turned down
Time and time again
Just for wanting to have coffee with you
And to talk
I won't do it though
I can't
I have to be close somehow even if you always say no
All I want is your friendship
And you to know that I am always here for you
As much as it hurts some times to do that
I won't give up
I won't back down
I will continue to ask
Even if you always say you can't make it
Even if you always find some reason to not show up
I will always ask
The only time I will back down is if you tell me to
I will only leave if you tell me you will be happier if
I don't talk to you
Don't send you letters or e-mails
Don't try to be your friend
I Love You
Even if you don't feel anything back

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Day Made
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

You hardly know me
Just run up and give me a huge hug
You don't know how much that means to me
Thank you

I was having a strange day
Started off not real
Then was sort of sad the more I dwell on things
Then you appeared

Out of nowhere
Your arms around me
Holding me close
In a wonderful bear hug

You made my day
Got me smiling
Made me feel welcome
Hugs to you babe!

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Surreal World
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

I am walking around, I think
Feel like I will awake from a dream at any moment
It is like I am not really here
I can see and hear what is around me
but none of it seems to matter
Like if I close my eyes it will all go away
But it doesn't
I am disconnected to my body
The world is surreal
That is the problem
The emotions are there, but not really
I know I should be happy
I had a great weekend
I should feel great because I am accepted, included
I want to feel like I am crying because I know I need to
I should be worried about my studies
I should feel something
But I am not really here
My mind is blank
My body is floating through the day
Wandering from class to class waiting to wake up
I am here and thinking
I am here and feeling
I am here and moving
But it is not quite there
Stuck in a surreal world
Waiting to wake up

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Forgive Me?
copyright Feb. 22, 2000

I am such a shit
Never do anything wright
I cause problems all the time
I am making you hurt
Sorry babe
I don't mean to
I just have to let you know my feelings
And hope that you aren't hurting too bad
I love being your friend
I love being there for you
Please don't let me hurt you
Tell me flat out if I am
You did tonight
I will back off on that
Please forgive me for causing you trouble

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Best Friends
copyright Feb. 24, 2000

I know you and I will never be
You hold my heart and have my devotion
I have my needs as well
I want to have the connection you have with her
I am backing off but am still here for you always
She is sweet and I like her a lot
I want to make it last with her
I hope you understand as this is hard to explain
I love you darlin'
I always will
I know you care for me deeply
But it will never be the same
Knowing that I cause you pain
I have to have my own life
While you work out yours
I am here for you always
Love you forever
Count on me as your best friend
Any time you need someone to talk to
Need a hug or an escape
My door is always open
But I have to let you know
I am dating her

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Hmmm
copyright Feb. 24, 2000

Your willingness intrigues me
I'm nervous and excited
Trying to move slowly
I have a habit of rushing
I want you to lead
You have this air about you that makes me tingle
I wonder if you feel the same
Don't fear speaking up
Communication is the key

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Steps
copyright Feb. 24, 2000

Beautiful Innocence
Passionate Activism
Confusing Sections of Life
Wanting to Learn
Changing Personality
Enjoying Issues on Diversity
Wonderful Woman
Learning to Live

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Panel Discussion
copyright Feb. 24, 2000

Why am I so nervous
Sitting here listening
You are sitting next to me
I want to hold your hand
My stomach is in knots
from other parts of my day
You calm me
I want to cry because of stress
Life is so frustrating at times

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First Date
copyright Feb. 24, 2000

That first date
I wanted to hold your hand
There were so many things I wanted to say
Then I was stupid, I got nervous
Said some things I shouldn't have
I am sorry

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Boundaries
copyright Feb. 24, 2000

I love your perfume
You smell so wonderful
Some of your gestures tell me things
I am not sure if I can act on what I am thinking
What is allowed what is not
Is it too soon for this
Do I go to far if that
Can't talk now, too many people
What are your boundaries
When can we talk?
How do I ask?

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My Turn
copyright Feb. 25, 2000

When is it my turn
To not have someone get scared away when I put my arm around them
When is it my turn
To find someone and have that connection
When do I get
To cuddle with someone for no reason
When is it my turn?

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Bottom of the Pit
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

I feel like curling up into a little ball and just going to sleep
And never waking up
I'm so tired of life, of not knowing what is wrong with me
Nobody knows me, I am a freak, I make people uncomfortable
I am tired...
... of having to apologize all the time
... of screwing up everything I try to do
... of being talked to like I can't take anything
The problem is no one ever talks to me
I want to be a good person,to be nonthreatening, to have someone to care for that cares about me
I can't cry any more, my eyes won't release the tears
I'm just so tired
So tired.

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Awkward Bubble
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

I am learning to hide, what I feel, what I think
Shutting the door to myself so no one will see
Putting up the fake front, "Yes, I agree"
I see the circles close in front of me all the time
Not fitting anywhere quite right
Some try to include me but it is like attaching a little bubble to the side of a sphere
Makes things uneven, tilted, not right
I used to think physical location would make a difference
It won't, I will still be me
This little bubble of ideas, thoughts, and feelings that doesn't seem to fit anywhere

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My Problem, Not Yours
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

I don't have anyone I can call up in tears because I need a hug
I have never had anyone that will just sit and hold me so I can cry
Tears don't bring relief any more
They just make me see
That there is no one else here
No one to just show up at my door
To sit and chat or watch movies
Nobody comes over to say Hi
No one ever seems to notice
Especially when I cry

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Why Write?
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

I write to stay alive
Knowing, or at least imagining
Someone else is reading and gives a damn
Hoping that sometime, after I am gone
My words will be given to someone like me
Showing them that they are not alone
My goal is to make people think
Do you know anyone like me?
Do you know a woman, a girl who has a false front?
Do you let people know that you care?
Can your friends call you up without feeling like intruders?
With you friends, who initiates?
Is it always that one person asking to do things?
Do you ever ask back? without a reminder or a prod?
Do you ask or include out of guilt or compassion?
Do you think about that?
I write for my friends, for those I care so deeply about
I write so i don't have to think
I write to stay alive
Screaming silently on this page
Imagining someone hears
Receiving e-mails in response
I belive they are meant to be true
Clinging to kind words that appear on a screen
Craving something more but expecting much less
I write to forget
I write because I have to...
To cling to this hope, that
Someday things will be better
That my joyful tone in the words isn't hiding something else
I write to stay alive
Even if I am gone
My words will still be here.

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Happy Side
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

Moments of Joy
Snapshots of Happiness
True feeling revealed
For a few brief moments
Even when I'm happy I question myself
The smile is real
So I'm not that far gone right?
Long pause
Hello out there?
pause again
Hello? I asked if I was right!?!
No response... or was there
Silence is a response usually saying
"Well..."
You know that expression
upward slant of sound with a curve
that tightening of the lower jaw into a grimaceish smile as the head dips
and shoulders come up in a shrug
Noncommittal disagreement, refusal to put into words in the fear of offending
I prefer my happy side
I love making people laugh
It is fun being proud of my work
Now how do I stop them...
The questions I mean
How do I stop the voices screaming at me
How do I kill the comments about what other people might think
That cause the questions in my head.

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Temptation
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

She calls to me
I want to answer
I want to drown myself
In that sweet, sweet nectar
Feel the burning, tingling warmth
Sliding down, filling me
Numbing sensations
Dropping inhibitions
She is calling to me all the time
"Taste my juices,
You know it will make you feel good"
I want to answer
To feel that smouldering sting
Easing down inside
Filling my body with that beautiful glow
Warm fuzzy feeling
Touching my soul

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My Hero
copyright Feb. 26, 2000

Some people just have this sense of timing
I love that
Calling at just the right moment
Being able to tell that there is something up even though it is hidden
Making me laugh when I need a boost
"You look better in a suit than any guy I know"
Who couldn't smile at that compliment
He's gonna get me a date tonight
Don't belive him but it's the though that counts
No matter how hard things seem
He always shed a positive light on it
Mom thinks we are a couple
Well he is a guy and he is my friend so I guess you could call him boyfriend
Self defined as a Dyke and a Fag don't usually date but
Yep he is my boyfriend mom
Constantly reminding me that he is there if needed

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Chance
copyright Feb. 27, 2000

I took a chance
To get a dance
Instant connection
Amazing woman
Things in common
Love to talk
Touching a plus
Similar interests
Xena
Mild leather
Dancing
Kissing
among other things
Breaking of inhibitions
Trying of things once dreamed of
Finally tasting what I see around me
Beautiful, sexy
Passionate
It is amazing
What can happen
When you take a chance

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Vanilla Kink
copyright Feb. 29, 2000

You don't quite understand do you
In your life you have never enjoyed things that I have
I don't think you will ever quite get it
The things I like
They are sick perversions to you
Today, you looked at me like I needed help
Like I was hurting myself or something
Don't you get it?
These things causes me pleasure not pain
You live a sheltered life
The foundations of your being
The innocence
I enjoy my exploratory side
The things I enjoy
They just aren't for you is all
I hope you can respect that
And not think I am sick
Someday maybe you will get bitten
And melt into a puddle
Like I do

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Learning Leather
copyright Feb. 29, 2000

Confusion sets in
See you again?
I like you a lot
There are things that I can't do
One of them is see you
It won't work between us
There are things I can't teach you
I would love to help
Like you asked
But part of that I can't do
You have to be comfortable with yourself
Before you even start
Lesson number one
Be true to your heart
One part of that is leaning to say no
If you can't say no
You will never survive
In this world of mine
That you want to learn about
Speak up when uncomfortable
You can't keep going
If you don't want it to happen
You are breaking the rules
You have to say No
Stop the action
Before the rules are broken
You want to live by the rules of leather
Then you must start by knowing yourself
Safe Sane Consensual
I can give you the first two
It depends on you for the third
That is why you must learn to say No
Or Stop, diciest, not right now
If you don't learn to speak you will not survive
Things will get bad
And both will be to blame
So my advise to you
As a teacher and friend
I can't see you again
Until you have found in yourself
The knowledge you seek

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mayqueens@earthlink.net Thank You for Reading!!