copyright June 7, 2004
Reading my own poems from years ago like a bug Your birthday approaches The responsibility disappointment Spinning spinning spinning Enchanting eyes Something fell I should have made supper or have had more accomplished by the time I picked you up. I should have gotten gas on my way home from dropping you off. I should have left earlier to pick you up. I should have done something special for you to make you feel better after a hard day of work. I should have kept the secret so you wouldn't worry. I should have thought first before the purchase. I should be more concerned with ways to help you. I should find more ways to show you how I Love you. Numbness LOVE Sometimes I feel it's to late. You were once so full of light A beautiful wedding She lies there sleeping Images in my mind Have you ever imagined what it would be like? Yes I've imagined A need I wish I could take away your pain Teasing The looks
A clear view of the shining moon as her full face sparkles through the
clouds
Dreaming of you I was doing so well this morning Seething Shots ring out in the night You sneak up behind me Something changes
I said the wrong name
When you interrupt a fantasy and take action to sooth a need, don’t be shocked at the results and reactions. The scene in my head, bits of stories read. Images of the two of them. My body reacting as one of them. You are lying as she was in the story. Your breath assaulting my senses, driving my desires. I thought you were asleep. I would have held on longer if I had known you were still awake. Your movements match the scene that had been playing. When did you read that story? How did you know that was the one I was seeing? I am doing this to myself Such a small creature Time ticks by Someone put a bow inside of me
You are mad at us Your words fill each page Wanting to respond I have never really thought about Giddiness Stirring words
Independence: freedom from dependence on or control by another person, organization, or state Mother Cerridwen It was the best sex ever I read Voices Screaming Peace Soft white-pink flesh Bright pink highlights We live in a “bad” part of town
So much pain and passion
Each relationship was whole hearted
Each one...... I thought I was in love
Serial Monogamy, that's what it was
Looking at all those thoughts
put down in space for the world to see
So many words... ideas... poems
Most of them fit so well with my love
Express emotion that I feel for my partner
I don't remember who they were written about
Past relationships are a blur in time
Some are obvious - initials in the title
Some are so vague they could be about now
Poems from the past
Reality of today
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Bug
copyright June 7, 2004
it bites you
can't just ignore
the urge
to write
can't concentrate
on other things
must give in
to the itch
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Birthday Approaching
copyright June 7, 2004
You said you don't want presents
We just got a new computer
I told you I already have your gift
You Pry... come on you always tell me
I refuse
I am going to be strong this time
I want to surprise you
I know you will love what I got
I have to hold on
Be strong
I know you'll keep asking
I told you the present is at my Mom's house so you can't peek
It's hidden... for now
Be strong...hold on...
I can wait a week to see that smile
That sheer delight that shines in your eyes when I give you presents
The way you jump up and down with excitement
I can hold on
Can you?
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Supervisor
copyright June 9, 2004
The frustration
The power of knowledge
People look to you to get answers
Employees depend on you to keep things running
To keep people on track
To make sure they are working
To keep the peace
You hire someone
They seem perfect for the job
They came recommended
Then it happens...
Attitude, Attendance, Laziness
They aren't doing their job
Now for the hard part
Dealing with problems
Personnel Issues
How to address without offense
How to get them to realize
To work
It's hard, you don't want to do it
You know they will snap
You know they will have excuses
You don't like confrontation
You don't have a choice
Being a supervisor
It's your job
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BW
copyright June 9, 2004
betrayal
not meeting expectations
can't do anything right
not worthy of your love
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Dog
copyright June 9, 2004
sniff to see if its right
spin some more
look around
lie down
aah just right
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EKB
copyright June 9, 2004
Rough tongue
Intense stare
Kind heart
Sweet smile
Kid at heart
Attentive
Jumping with energy
Undeniable
Never ending hair
Best friend
Loves to Run
Unique personality
Engaging energy
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Killer Vent
copyright June 9, 2004
Heard a clink
Did the ring go down the sink?
Wrong direction
Turn around
Down the vent
Never to be found
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Shoulda...
copyright June 9, 2004
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Headache
copyright June 9, 2004
Empty feeling
Vice grip squeezing
Mind shuts down
No more sound
Turn out the light
Hope for rest
For release
From the pain
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Love
copyright June 9, 2004
Beautiful woman
Earthbound goddess
Talented
Trusting
Encompassing sprit
Rejoicing heart
LOVE...
LOVE
Awakening
Living
Wonderment
All for you
Yes forever
Single spirit
LOVE
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Falling
copyright June 9, 2004
Like we're slipping away.
More like strangers each day.
I won't give up hope.
I can't loose faith.
I just feel so lost.
I'm not sure what to do.
I feel like I'm loosing you.
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Friend
copyright June 12, 2004
Now I see the darkness in your soul
I know you have been hurt
I've heard stories of your trials
I've heard of the abuse
After you were married about a year
I heard a story about you
I wanted to drive out and get you
Take you away from the pain
You needed to leave him
I knew you wouldn't
You don't believe in divorce
You would want to try to work things out
That's the way you have always been
I see you now
A different person
You have this darkness
It shows you were broken
You've learned a hard lesson
The light is still there
in the form of passion
You are still a strong woman
You always have been
Once the strength came from light
Now it comes from bearing the darkness
It's changed you so much
Yet you are still the angel that has graced my life.
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Wedding
copyright June 12, 2004
Placed in a garden with a pond and some sheep
The bride was radiant so full of emotion
The groom standing proud at the alter
We all got to see his tender side
As he stroked your cheek and wiped your eyes
He tried to warm you against the chill wind
My best friend now happily married
To a wonderful man
Who has stolen her heart.
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My Baby
copyright June 12, 2004
Her hair curled around her face
A small smile across her lips
She's so beautiful
Wrapped around her blanket
Instead of snuggled inside it
That's my baby
I'm lucky to have her
I can't imagine my life without her.
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Urges
copyright June 12, 2004
Thoughts of her
Thoughts of others
My body tingles with imagined touches
My lips burn for the kiss
For the caress of soft flesh
My mouth waters for that sweet salty taste of her body
My fingertips travel move, picturing what they will do
Dancing across her body
Sliding through her hair
Caressing spots that make her moan
My ears hear the sweet songs of her
The fantasy ends
I sit alone
spent
waiting to fulfill the urge
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Questions
copyright June 12, 2004
What would happen if?
Do you think you would ever have the nerve to find out?
To take that step?
Would you ever just walk up and do it?
What if you did?
How would they react?
Would they give back?
Be frightened?
Run away?
Or would they stay?
or beg for more?
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Answers
copyright June 12, 2004
I've played scene after scene in my mind
I almost did once
A stolen touch, a loving caress disguised as friendship
Don't have the nerve for more
To take that step
I've imagined the reactions across the board
In truth I hope for the best
but would probably not act
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Need
copyright June 17, 2004
A Crave
A longing
A desire
Whatever it is called
Its something I have
Something I want
To satisfy my spirit
To fill my heart
A fantasy
A scene
Its not something you can request
It just has to happen
It comes from inside
To tell someone what the need is…
The results would be tainted
I would never know
Did she do this on her own
Or because she knew that’s what I carved
I wish I could tell you
What I’m missing
longing for…
What makes me sad is
I don’t think you can figure it out
So I know that part will always be
this craving stuck inside me.
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Pain
copyright June 17, 2004
The frustration, anger, loneliness and betrayal
that you are feeling
I wish things were better in your life
I wish I could make everything right
I am trying to make life nice
easier
for you
I want to give you the world
make people see how they hurt you
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Flirt
copyright June 20, 2004
Talking about adventures
Trying new things
You drive me wild sometimes
Taunting me with new toys
Talking about clubs
groups of people
videos
Distracting from tasks at hand
so hard to resist
You get me all worked up
ready to pounce
You’re such a flirt
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Soul mates
copyright June 24, 2004
touches
statements of devotion
They listen to one another
defend and protect
no matter the cost
every action to provide for the other
It’s plain to see
The love between them
They ARE soul mates
They are in love
They will never be apart in this life or in the next
They are true soul mates
XG
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Drawing Down
© June 22, 2004
The sky a deep indigo as the storm rolls in.
We stand,
Four naked women,
So small against the power of nature.
This is my first time.
Nervous, I watch... catcher, receiver, drawer, reader.
I speak the words and see what happens.
I am the third.
The power in this space has grown to the point that my hairs stand on end.
My body tingles with anticipation and fear.
I have read, witnessed, heard stories about what happens.
You don't really understand until you experience.
For each it's different.
Communing with the Goddess.
Sharing your body,
Being one with that primal force.
I stand before the drawer.
I close my eyes as the words are spoken.
My focus shifts,
Words come to life.
The heat increases.
Then it hits.
A sudden movement and I am cool.
I am the storm cloud rolling over the land.
I choose to nourish the earth. I fall with the rain, soak into the soil.
I feel myself moving with the pulse of the earth.
I am the food chain.
Death and Rebirth.
I can move with the wind, fly with the spirits.
I am one with the Goddess,
I am the Goddess.
I know she will always be here inside.
All I have to do is see, ask, feel the power and it is there.
Slowly I return to my body.
I am no longer standing.
We are sitting,
Still nude,
Talking about the experience.
I still feel like I can fly.
Take off from the ground and see the world.
I return to myself.
Mortal form.
I am no longer the Goddess in her full raw power.
She is still here.
She always will be.
Inside,
In my actions,
In the world I live in,
In my friends and enemies.
She is everywhere.
We just have to learn, to see, to tap into that power.
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Dreaming
© June 23, 2004
Your soft skin
Your tantalizing scent
Seeing your sweet smile
My mind swims with the
Texture of your hair
The sweet ways you tease
The sparkle of those deep brown eyes
Pools of expressive emotion
Telling me stories of your soul
Asking me to dive in
Showing me what you don’t want to say
Dreaming of you makes my day
Move smoothly
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Morning
© June 24, 2004
Life was good
I felt like today would run smoothly
Everything would get done
I would be able to finish my reports
Then you had to say it
You wouldn't leave until I did
Couldn't just leave it be
Let me worry about it on my own
It's not you they look at
No
I went to change
Now
Upset
Uncomfortable
Self conscious
ANGRY
Late for work
I get marked for even being 5 min late
This goes on my record
I am having enough issues with this as is THANKS
I'm not mad at you
I'm mad at the world
I'm pissed that I don't get the flexibility you do I'm angry at the color of my shirt The cut of the collar The position of my bra straps The fact that the tag wont stay down
I'm frustrated because I don't want to go I hate doctors I will just be in the lobby We will probably get back late It won't help any here But you want me with you so I will go Even if I am worried about work
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ANGER
© June 24, 2004
I want to hit something
Anything
Not you
I won't hit you
I need to release
This
Frustration
Anger
Before I kill someone
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North
© June 23, 2004
Was that a gun
Or a car backfiring?
Last week a body was found
Stuffed in a trash can
Two maybe three days old
Shot
Just 3 blocks away
A life taken
Police comb the area
Nightly patrol increased
Only for a week
No one around tonight
Afraid to open the door
More shots
We tell ourselves
It’s just a car
We can’t afford to be gripped by fear
To give in to the stories
This is OUR home
They won’t get in
They can’t break us down
Yet we sit here
Locked in our house
Hoping the sounds don’t move closer
2 blocks away
We are safe here
Aren’t we?
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Nails
© June 24, 2004
Lightly you run Your nails down my back
Just enough to know they are there
A promise of sweet pain
i groan
You want to play
You grab my ass
“Follow me”
That sexy sultry voice
i willingly obey
“Kneel Down”
A soft command
i drop to the bed
Disobeying
“I said Kneel”
*slap*
Her firm hand lands
On the soft flesh of my ass
Then caresses
Squeezes
i moan
“On Your Knees”
Nails rake my back as i move to my knees
i lean back
Hoping for more
“Don’t Beg”
Down my back
Your nails blaze trails of red
i whimper
*slap*
moan
“No sound”
Red welts start to swell
i can feel every track You made
Skin not broken but raw
You drive me wild
i want to scream
i wait
You take me
Few short strokes
Thrust and a bite
One word from You
i scream
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Seizure
© June 23, 2004
Shift in consciousness
You let yourself relax
You start to enjoy
Then your body reacts
The shaking starts
Head tips back
Back arched
Your fists slam down
Muscles tense
You can’t speak
Moan or Cry
Teeth clenched you grunt
Trying to regain control
I hold you in the aftermath
Firm rhythmic strokes
Soft soothing words
Slowing down your pulse
Holding you close to me.
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Insult
© June 23, 2004
Was it out loud or in my head?
Oh Gods did that come out?
Your hand stops
I hurt you…
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Intent
© June 23, 2004
Gods you are wonderful
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Torture
© June 23, 2004
Torture
I can’t focus on my job
My chores go ignored
I am constantly lost
In dreams, stories, poems
I started this process
Knew it would happen
I am torturing myself
Trying to drive myself mad
I know this
Yet I don’t want to stop
I know I should end
this
sweet
delicious
toture
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Mosquito
© June 23, 2004
Potentially deadly
Insignificant
Easily killed
You can carry disease
You are growing powerful
Yet we don’t think of you
Until you strike
Biting on our flesh
Suck out or life blood
Spread your disease
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Class
© June 23, 2004
Minutes turn to hours
I wait patiently
Reading, Writing, Worrying
you were supposed to get out early
It is already well past the normal end time
I will remain
waiting, worrying
that something happened
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Bow
© June 26, 2004
It’s one of those fancy ones
Beautiful, decorative but deadly
Pulley like things on the ends for tension and power
Curl in towards you
Like ornate knobs that the string would wrap around inside
From there a graceful arch from both ends
To the center, grip
Dips back
With a built in glove and wrist guard to protect you from the snapping string
Truly a beautiful weapon
Only they forgot the string
And made it out of hard steel
Shoved it inside me
And try to kill me with it
It’s like a white hot sword
Running through my abdomen
Without the pleasure of cauterizing the flesh as it passes
Just letting it continually burn and bleed
Not a constant pain
It fluctuates
“Dull” painful ache that keeps you curled in a ball whimpering
Then they increase the electricity
Instant searing white hot metal
The bow glows
I can see it from outside my body
I can trace it on my tummy
Just below my navel
Down to my sex
Out to my sides
Lying crooked, if I stand
The pulley knobs closer to my back
You can’t stop the pain
I try…they have tried
I over does on pain meds
Ibuprofen
1000 mg
Every hour
Sometimes more
Just so I can move
It doesn’t take it away
Just blocks my senses
Or makes me not care
Just enough so I can move
Function in the rest of my life
But I can still feel it burning
The “dull” made bearable
The fire still makes me want to scream
Nothing can block that
It makes me want to die
The cure…?
Old wives tale
Have a baby…
Anger
Oh Yes, now I just have to wait
To accidentally get pregnant
By the fingers and tongue of my lover
Ooooh wait
Maybe the dildo will suddenly spew forth
Immaculate conception?
Demon spawn
Or alien implantation!
Yep, it’s just so easy
Are you seeing my sarcasm?
Sorry but man…. Not normally on the menu
So I wait
For the pain to subside
For the extra dose of drugs to kick in
So I don’t care
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Life with Husky
© June 28, 2004
We have done something to make you hate us
Perfectly good furniture lies in ruins
Foam rubber everywhere
Bits of fabric dangling where they should not be
Recycling strewn about the house
You got into the gum
And the cookies
How the heck did you get those?
They were locked in the cupboard
Above the counter
What was it this time?
Was the water dish not full to the brim?
Not enough food for breakfast
Did we not pat you enough before we left for the day?
Wanton destruction
That is your forte
You’re not quite the playful puppy
More like a destructive monster
We are mad only for a moment
Then you look at us
Those startling blue eyes
Wagging tail
You just want to play
We give in
Making a game out of cleaning up the foam
Trying to bury you in the bits of fabric
That at one time was a couch
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Storyteller
© July 1, 2004
A tantalizing story
Bound in hard print
Love
Pain
Something more
Hope, Desire, Dreams
Torment
You capture each emotion
Each look
Each Feeling
You put the essence down
For all to see
You paint pictures
In the minds of your readers
Vivid scenes
Played out
With
Exquisite detail
Making the words
Come to Life
Before eyes locked in rapt attention
To the page
Your talent
Overwhelming
Makes me want to know more
Proud to be known as friend
To someone such as yourself
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Speechless
© July 02, 2004
To express the feelings inside
The sensations… images
Your words create within me
Stuck
Unable to form clear
Articulate
Responses
My vocal inabilities
Have finally hit my writing
Never thought this would happen
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JL
© July 02, 2004
How you saved my life that day
I should really thank you for that
Such a small thing
Yet so huge
You have no idea how much
How much you did
For me
Acknowledgement
Of my existence
You showed me I had worth
I was suddenly not invisible
I was no longer a machine
A speck of dirt
Under everyone else’s feet
Just one word
Nothing more than a grunt
And a smile
Later a quick sentence.
You saved me you know
From the pit of my mind
You pulled me back
Filled it in
Made the fall not so far
Behold the power
When used correctly
Words can change the world
Yours did
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Hard day at Work
© July 02, 2004
Unfocused eyes
Muddled mind
Attention elsewhere
Marriage
Actual… Legal… Bond
We have had two rituals
Both bind us
Both have power and meaning
Neither have legality
In just over a month
2nd honeymoon
Same location
Different room
This time we will have the papers
Showing that is what it is
First time around it was just us
In front of the Lord and Lady
Speaking aloud our commitment
Joining our lives to one another
Second time we had others
Minister, Witnesses, friends
Feast following the formal ritual
We bound our souls
Blood ties to last past death
Joining our spirits for eternity
They say the third times the charm
Three is a power number
The balance that is life
Maiden Mother Crone
Son Hunter Lover
Birth Life Death
Before Now After
Our third time makes us legal
My heart feels warm
My head swims
Joy in our new bond
Anticipating the next month
New Rings
New Name
New levels of joining
The trip alone will be worth it
Valhalla
Amethyst mines
Waterfalls
Hiking trails
This time we will get pictures
Have hard proof that it happened
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Book
© July 02, 2004
Vivid emotion
Gripping scenes
Stories you can fall into
You become the character
You feel the pain, loneliness
Love, confusion
Frustration, passion
Speed increases
You can’t read fast enough
Anticipation
You can’t stop
Must read on
Time passes unnoticed
Until you finish
The book ends
You are left with
Satisfaction of a great story
Frustration that it is over
Wanting needing to read more
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Independence
© July 04, 2004
Independence is
The ability to speak our minds
As a woman
Having the right to vote if I so choose
Having the right to choice
The ability to own my own home
To have my own bank accounts
To work or not
To be able to take home my own hard earned money unlike my friends in Peru whose paycheck goes to their father or husband
Independence is
Being able to bad mouth our country and government without being jailed or shot
Being able to hate what we stand for openly without fear
Being able to put fear in others for things they say
Independence is
Having a web-group for poetry
Of every type
With no recriminations
Or harsh treatment for your words
I value my independence
On this Forth of July
The day we celebrate our Nations freedom
I’m not one that is normally proud of my country
I don’t agree with the war
I think America has gotten to big of a head
And that we need to be pushed back down to reasonable size
I also have friends in the military
I know people who have died fighting for my freedom
I am proud of them
For being proud of their country
And wanting to give their lives for me
So I can hate their boss and the politics
And want them to be home safely instead of out in a war
Independence is
Being able to be the person I am today
Because of the rules that I hate in this country
Because I can stand up and say they need to change
Independence is
Being able to drive up to Canada
So I can be legally married
And then return to my country
To live my life
How I choose
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Devotions
© December 10, 2000- revised 07/02/04
Hear my plea
Let my life be devoted to thee
Hold me close
Teach me
Inspire my thoughts to do all I can
For you and yours, for all of man
Bring me life and purity
For I give myself to thee
Father Lugh
To you I belong
Fill me with creativity
Bring your gifts to my hand and mind
That I may share them with your children
May I be your voice
To give your lessons here on earth
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Aftermath
© April 16, 2003
Feeling the pulse of the earth
The power of a thunderstorm flowing through my body
The moon shining from my breasts
Tasting the fresh water on my parched lips
Being gently cleansed by the mother
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Hatred
© July 2, 2004
Others websites
Friends and strangers
I realize something
I start comparing
Precise words
Each phrase thought out
Deep meaning in each entry
Reason for writing
Word vomit
Continual spewing of thoughts
Things written on the spur of the moment
Nothing of value
I reflect
It should stop
No one cares
Word vomit
That’s what I’ve become
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Rough Night
© July 2, 2004
Nasty words meant to drive daggers through the spirit
Gut wrenching
Hurtful phrases
The doors were closed
Sometimes it is hard to fight
When triggers hit
A crack forms
The wall is weakened
The voices return
I push back
I fight as I have learned
I remind myself they aren’t real
They are so real
Friends, Family, You
I’m not bad
You can’t say that
Just leave me alone
That’s what hurts the most
You, your voice
Screaming at me
Harsh words disguised as gentle phrases
They cut deep
They don’t hate me
I won’t let them
I do have friends
They don’t joke about me
No I won’t listen
I hear you
I know they say that
Everyone says that
I’m the big joke
They laugh
Throughout my history
They laugh
At me
They tease
Tell me how bad I am
How pathetic
Worthless
Hopeless
Looser
Why fight when it’s the truth
Truth hurts you know
I cry
They tell me I am weak
I agree
NO
I grind my teeth
Trying to force the tears back
Trying to hold it inside
Where it belongs
Please stop
You have to stop
Go back in your room
You can’t rule me
I can’t live while you rule me
I hate this feeling
Loss of control
To them
They are so loud
So hurtful
They won’t leave
I fight
It doesn’t help to talk to myself
So I type
I type
To get it out
To stop holding it in
To make them leave
I don’t care if it’s word vomit
Fuck you
I can’t live like this
You can’t come back
You have to leave
The pain eases
Only enough for my body to start shaking
Nervous twitches under the skin
Why bother
They won’t read it
No one will see
It doesn’t matter if any one reads
It is that it is out there
There is the possibility that someone will see
Someone will care
They don’t care
They don’t know
They will write back and say they do care about me
They don’t know me
How can they care
How can they even pretend to care
That I exist
That I live with demons
The voices
They attack
I have to keep going
My purpose is not completed
I keep writing
Fighting
To make them stop
Breathe
Slow, calm breath
Peace
Internal
Clear the mind
They subside
The tears end
I am left
Weakened
Spent
After a hard fight.
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Water
© July 2, 2004
Calm Waters
Smooth Surface Ripples
Flowing Gently
River
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Burn
© July 3, 2004
Lying above the flames helpless
Unable to move away
Sweat beads and gathers
Across the supple skin
Before darkening begins
Slowly
Blistering
Black marks rise from the flesh
Crisp outer layers crack
Allowing the boiling juices to escape
Leaking from the body onto the fire below
Burned flesh
Gently lifted from the fire
Placed on a soft white surface
Smoothed over with cooling
Moist
Creamy
Salvation from the heat
Held gently
Lifted towards the sky
Carefully
So the Smooth moisture does not drip
Then eaten
Otherwise entitled Ode to a bratwurst
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Hair
© July 3, 2004
Against deep mahogany
And light brown
Covers grey it says
Right there on the box
Yep it’s covered alright
In PINK
So I guess I have to find one
That says covers silver
Not just grey
Silver
Gods I hate my hair
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Culture Shock
© July 3, 2004
Two white girls
Who wear dress casual most days
We look professional
We don’t quite fit in the hood
Neighbors look at us
We are anomalies
Kids playing in the yard next door
As we listen to
Enya, Gregorian Chant and Indigo Girls
Ani DiFranco
Not the rap that they listen to
No hip hop
We are dykes
They can tell
Then the day the windows were open
Door propped wide for a breeze
There they are dancing around
In the living room
Jeans and sports bras
Listening to Eminem
And Rob Zombie
They stop and stare
Culture shock