You never know...
who is and who isn't
You never know...
who's feelings got hurt
You never know...
what bothers a person
You never know...
what can offend
You never know...
if somebody cares
or if someone's listening to your prayers
You never know...
if someone is gay
You never know...
unless they want it that way
You never know...
until somebody says
Hey, your hurting my friend
You never know...
till somebody says it
You never know...
till that person tells it
So watch what your saying
you might hurt someone
Not all joking is fun
because
You never know...

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Sleep
copyright 1999

You know
sleep is a good thing at times
it clears the mind

sleep can open the heart
and expose deep thoughts
to explore and play in dreams, in a way

sleep makes my mind discover great places
and intricate details on small things

it gives my thoughts a chance to process
even if the pace of life around me is quick

sleep slows time
makes life flow more smoothly

sleep frees the mind to explore fantasies
bringing detail to what you desire

sleep makes me stop for a change
it forces my muscles to unclench at the end of the day

sleep brings peace
sleep is harmony

Sleep is Good
G'night my friends
Sleep calls to me again



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What is a poem?
copyright Feb 5, 1999

The one thing I love about poetry and prose
it never really has to make much sense
just lay out whatever is in ones mind
it can be called art
not everyone will like the works I write
not everyone will understand them
what counts is not in the rhyme or reason
but in expressing what is inside
nonlyrical nonsense
understanding the mind that writes?
What? should that be expected?
Even if the writer does not understand it?
messes of words
immages racing through my mind
not comprehending what is happening yet...
wanting to express somehow what I am seeing
so I write confused things out on my screen
some of them I actually send to people
others I write and delete immediately
I can't spell
I can't rhyme
I can't form romantic sayings
Face it your a looser
I HATE!!!!
remnances of depression
resurfacing when you least want them to
people not understanding
that that is not really...
how I live my life
but then sometimes
my mind just does it
that is why I love poetry and prose
you don't have to make sense all the time
it's an expression of the mind
interpretation is in the beholder
can't usually see the real meanings
things can be interpreted in ones own life experiances.



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Life
copyright Feb 12, 1999

sometimes I wish life would just hurry up and leave me alone
yet I don't want to die
I want to be held and allowed to cry
I long for the touch of my lover's arms
I long to feel the love I give returned to me
I can't wait for school to end
for the money to come in
for my heart to be complete
to feel the touch of my lover's hands
to be held and allowed to cry
sometimes I wish life would just hurry up and leave me alone
yet I don't want to die

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Out of Darkness
copyright March 11, 1999

In the void of the universe
a dark abyss, a vacuum
a lonely soul waits for something

...something, to come along
to warm the soul to cure the loneliness

then she appears
a ray of light shining
piercing the darkness

the heart of the lonely soul warms
causing the vacuum to vanish
powerful forces set in

The forces holding the two together
binding two souls
the warmth blossoms

then there is life
through the void of the universe
glowing like the sun

the heart of the once lonely soul
now beats rhythmically with another
bound by love, united by spirit

No language can describe
the feelings inside
the love between the two

shining out of the darkness
A ray of hope
In the void of the universe

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Printer Death
copyright March 10, 1999

The school computer system
set up for the whole population
the leadership center
a dozen terminals
all connected by a network
the printer
in the leadership center
lazer printer
standing alone in the middle of the room
hundereds of students, faculty, and staff
every week
depending on that one lonely printer
standing, in the middle of the room
this week is midterms
everthing is due
the printer
in the middle of the room
is dead
they don't know what is wrong with it
it won't print
nothing stuck inside
connections are fine
but it won't print
a fatal error in the equipment
or is it the program
techs don't know
students can't help
my project is due tomorrow!
I need to print a transparency
sheets cost fifty cents each
bought in advance
no refund
I have an inkjet printer
different transparency
smears the ink
the printer....
the one in the leadership center...
is dead!
hey I can get an extension!
guess again
must be in tomorrow
no matter what
go buy markers write it by hand
lower grade, poor quality
fuck that printer
it is brand new
why is it dead...
why did it have to be now?
maybe in the morning
probabaly not
oh well
who cares anyway
give me a bad grade
I will deal with it
life will go on

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Savior Reigns
copyright March 10, 1999

Thank the Goddess for friends
Friend walked past
saw my screen
knew the project
felt sorry for me
"hey guess what"
said with a smile
I have a lazer printer
I turned around
"really?"
"yeppers I do!come on over
tonight after work
you can print and be done"
smile turns to frown
"I am not off till midnight"
"So, what does that matter?
I don't go to bed till 2"
"seriously?"
"yeah stop on by"
Smile returns
thank you savior
I owe you so much
my grade will be good now :-)

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Death
copyright April 18, 1999

*a poem sort of*

section of myself... torn from inside... cavity has been filled with a caustic acid... emptyness fills me... why bother with anything... love filled me once... it was taken away... I hurt her somehow... by loving her... why does this happen to me?... first I awaken a new love in someone... she finds the woman in her town... then I expose someone to something new... she got scared and started crying... turned to a man instead... had a boyfriend once... he still wants me... I'm not interested... he knows why and we are friends... went with a sweet woman... she fell in love with another... she is now a wonderful friend... fell in love with a woman... we exchanged rings... spoke sweet commitments... we could only be together physically for a few days... academic commitments got in the way... I hurt her somehow... by loving her... don't know what went wrong in those four days... but she blocked it... difficult situations... that was my excuse... no word heard except when I called... short conversations... then came the letter... no signature... no nice reply... so very short... something is very wrong... she is mad... no it's more than that... why did i have to ask... 'I think of you as a friend, no more'... among other statements... the longest response I have gotten in a few months... I love her... a section of myself torn away... filled with something that ate me out in a heartbeat... the emptiness fills me... death must be like this... I have often wondered... what it would feel like to die... everything shuts down... no more thoughts... no more feeling... like I am now... mind blocked... numbness... death arives

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Don't Loose A Friend
copyright April 30, 1999

Dedication: For a friend lost in the cycles of life

Have you ever done something blindly?
Jumped into a situation without thinking?
Found out some informaion afterwards that made you stop and think?

That happens some times
I step off a cliff
sweapt away by needing something
don't think about what might happen
then I find out how young she is
I know it is not right to talk to her
but she has a better way with words
especially in that situation than I do
why must she tempt me?
doesn't she know...
I could go to jail

Sorry I hurt you
I don't like being so cold
but I can't go to jail
you are a friend
nothing more
I am allowed to be a friend
but you must understand
I can't afford to be more than that
to you
wonderful person
full of love and passion
you deserve to be loved
in ways that you could not immagine
cared for so deeply
that the warmth of the earth
would be cold in comparison
I am sorry I was so mean
I don't want to cause pain
please don't shut me out
let me be a friend
I am only looking for friendship
not another wife at the moment

I wish she could understand
I do not mean to tease
trying to be a friend
to understand what it must be like
but I don't know what to say
things have changed
now that i realize the danger
of my past actions
I have to change
I have changed
Will she accept my friendship

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My Life... rambling thoughts that dwell there
copyright June 8, 1999

You don't love me like you said, you think of me like a friend,
I gave you my heart and promised my soul,
to you I gave the world,
money didn't matter,
I would sell my soul for you if you wanted,
the world stopped spinning when you gave me that letter,
when you said we were through,
everything went dead,
I felt empty inside,
you still hold my heart,
I love you more than life,
but you don't return any of the love I feel,
at least you said something to me,
and we are still friends,
it is hard to talk to you though and not say je t'aime,
perfect timing I must say... right at mid terms,
my grades fell I no longer cared, my life is nothing,
I am empty inside,
why did you not say something while I was there?
you stole my heart then pushed me aside,
I thought I was ok... I know I will live,
but I can't stop thinking of you,
I am glad we are still friends,
you mean the world to me and I am glad you are happy,
but now nobody loves me, that's how I feel

I was doing fine!
getting better about failing in love,
I was doing fairly well with myself,
then I saw mom, she brought the feelings back
I am worthless... a looser...
I don't care about anything... especially school...
my hair is too long and it looks like shit...
I don't know what I am doing in life...
I have been playing around the past 2 years...
I am not really gay (so she says)...
my life means nothing...
I want to scream THEN WHY DID YOU HAVE ME
but I don't
she says these things to me like she wishes me depressed
she thinks she is drawing me closer when infact she pushes me away
she does not love me like she claims to
I still love her though
just like I love you my dear
though I love you more at the moment
at least you don't make me feel like shit
I want to cry... but if I do I have to explain myself
I need a hug but am afraid to ask...
you, I would if you weren't 2000 miles away...
can't show weakness,
can't show hurt,
if I do people will no longer like me
I have no friends.
noone knows me
you loved me once or so I thought
I should have never opened my heart
my mom taught me that
don't love anyone and you won't get hurt
don't care for people and you won't have this pain
I am not a bad person... at least I don't think so
I still love you though you don't return it
I still care for my mom though it is hard
hard to hear her berate me then turn and say she will miss me
hard to see that look in her eye and then hear the words she loves me
hard to hear her say she prays for me and know she does so because she does not accept me...
because I am gay
hard to remember her telling me she will always love me...
then to see her today and realize she lied
she does not want a gay daughter... I can't show my pride
she tells me to stay in the closet, for it is the only way to survive
she tells me I won't get a job... if I am openly gay
I will never be able to live life that way!!!
I tried it once... lived in depression for 7 years because of it.
I tried to be str8 (now I can't even say it).
I tried to please her... to make her love me
I knew full well that if I came out she would change her mind
she gave me a hug... said your my daughter of course I love you
but since then she doesn't seem to care much for me
she tries to include me... then shuns me while I am there
I can't do anything right... I don't have a brain you see
enough about my mom
I write this to you in hopes that you will stumble across it one day
and see that I still love you Amélie... I always will
my life at the moment is shit...
without you in it I find myself worthless
people try to tell me otherwise but it is hard to belive them
my own wife could not find anything loveable why should I?
we are still friends... but I fear your letters
I wish you all the happiness in the world... but it hurts at the same time...
to see you moving on
I have tried to move on...
but they all know that my heart will never be the same as it was with you.
I am doomed for ever to sit ... here at my desk... crying to myself...
hoping that nobody sees
I don't like sharing myself... bearing my soul... wearing my heart on my sleeve
I write this proseish poetry, hoping to release some of my mind
It will probably cause people to run from me like usual though
maybe it will open some eyes
maybe it will show someone that there is someone out here that is going through hell just like they are
maybe someday my words will help someone in some weird way
by reading this proseish poem writen by a person who belongs in a mental hospital...
I swear I hear voices in my head
I hope you do find this letter my dear... and anyone else who will find it.
That is just how I am feeling now

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Buying Condoms
copyright June 9, 1999

You are inocent
I have some experiance
I know more than I have actually done
reading gives you alot
your shyness is sweet
your blushing is beautiful
you sure you have never shopped alone?
you are embarassed to talk in public
not with me your not
you were so open yesterday
surprised me with questions
never thought you would ask me
glad to give advise
we had fun
scared the lady behind the counter
glad you are opening up
you are so sweet
so inocent
I know you are dying to get out
enjoy life
have fun my friend

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Wolf
copyright June 9, 1999

I don't know your name
I know who you are though
you are a wonderful friend
I know you care for me

Your name is powerful
sings to the moon
great spiritual leader
one of my protectors

I am glad to know you
you are mysterious and loving
Greatest friend in many ways
but... I don't know your name

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Earning My Studs
copyright June 20, 1999

you have introduced me
to a world of new adventures
I am now a slave with a master
this is all so new to me
but a leather dyke I shall be
with your soft hands and warm heart
you really help me feel a part
of this world of new adventures
leather pride, smiling eyes
each turn a new surprise
now that I know your name
you are still my Wolf just the same
slow and steady wins the race
we can set our own sure pace
your caring touch and warm embrase
make me fell home in this place
a witty charm and teasing touch
I wish for lasting love and trust
I hope this feeling never ends
for you are my greatest friend

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Thanks and Praise
copyright 1999

You showed me a power that is always around me
you gave me the knowledge to use it for free
You showed me the strength that I can lean on
You gave me a life force that I desperately need
Magical power from deep in the earth
fills me surrounds me gives me new birth
helping me get through good times and bad
your friendship and trust has brought me no end
You showed me a power that is always around me
you gave me the knowledge to use it for free
for this I thank you my good friend and love
For releasing the power of earth, heaven, and the stars above.

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Power of Spirit
copyright June 26, 1999

I have never felt this sort of happiness
growing inside me like a fire
engergy flowing from all directions
walls being put up to block harmful glances
only love and happiness can penetrate these barriers
being able to finally thank a force that has always been there
it gives me great pleasure to know she is there
knowledge and power echoing in my spirit
a warm glow eminating from my being
energy and happiness shining on my face

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Giving Thanks
copyright June 26, 1999

you have opened my eyes to a new life
for this I owe you a great debt
brining me out of the darkness
paving a way for new light
I didn't think I could love anymore
didn't want to even try to care
now my love shines in my eyes
it is for you ya know
a different kind of love
but it is a love just the same
deeper than any I have felt
I hope it lasts a lifetime

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Fine Ignore Me
copyright June 26, 1999

You show up to talk specifically looking for me
I listen to what you have to say
you ask questions and I do my best to reply
all about your new life, religion spirituality
I learn all about what you have been up to
like I really care
sure you are cool and all
but it buggs me that you don't listen in return
I like hearing from you
but not when I ask a question and never get a reply
I make a comment and you ignore it
fine ignore me
see if I care
I have other friends to worry about

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