Welcome to My Growth Experience

It has now been several weeks since Cameron and I broke up. I've been doing a lot of thinking and struggling. I have begun to feel a lot better about myself and my life. Partially due to the constant encouragement of my friends and family. All of whom keep reminding me that I am a wonderful person and deserve to be happy. Partially due to my own little bit of self-esteem that was left after the break-up. This has been a good help. And partially due to the little things i life that remind us that there is a lot to be happy about and to look forward to.

I am of course still seeking therapy for my relationship issues and will no doubt become a more stable person after some good old fashioned soul searching. I have already done some on my own and I have learned a lot about myself already. However until that's moved quite a bit forward I've decided to stay out of definite commitments and to just date and make friends. Besides people do need to be single once in a while.

Friendships do last forever after all, well some. I think I'm going to be great. I need to work on some things, but I've been getting better in the last few days and I think that this will improve. Besides I just got a great big boost to my self-esteem. Although I already had some to begin with. (Okay a bit more than some).

How'd it happen you ask? Well I went through what most people go through. An extremely dramatic experience of pain and anguish. Well a little too extreme, and dramatic for certain. But then a week and a couple of days went by and it wasn't so intense. Then it faded some more. There were of course feelings of loneliness but that's to be expected. I then started getting more comfortable seeing him at the bar. I talked to him on one day, just a "hello" really. The next day was a short conversation.

Then some more time passed and I was starting to accept it when people said they thought I was special and beautiful. Then one night after belting out an apparently passable rendition of The River someone told me that they thought I was beautiful and I believed them. Cool huh? It was also a perk that I thought that he was astonishingly gorgeous, but that's another story. There aren't any weddings in the make or anything. But it was nice to feel appreciated. Which I do.

You know what I really have to apologize. I am feeling a bit better but I'm not feeling as much better as I let on in the last entry. Actually it was really just over a few days that I started to feel better and I even had a really bad spot where I thought about killing myself for about five minutes. I told my therapist this but I figured you had the right to know. But anyway here's the latest...

Well its now been two sessions with the Psychologist from Student Counselling Services on campus. I really think that she's an excellent therapist. I had one epiphany during our first session. It took two hours. But I actually started to feel the fact that I had been thinking about killing myself. I mean, me... dead! That scared the #&$^ out of me and I started to cry. I also started thinking about the things that I wouldn't get to do if I were to die. I would never get to travel, or get to learn another language. I would never get to climb a mountain just because its there. I would never get to have kids, or write a poem that people really liked. I would never get published or be on tv again.

Anyway the experience was very overwhelming and I really got motivated to dedicate to the idea of keeping myself safe, having realized that there are certain things that I just can't do without risking my safety. I mean would you go to a party knowing that there are certain circumstances that might cause someone who wants to kill you to show up. Its almost like I'm talking about two different people that are inside and I guess I am. I mean sure the one that was thinking about suicide (i.e.. killing me) was just trying to think of the easiest way to alleviate pain but really. And I've never support euthanasia.

It is kind of frustrating because, since I know that its upsetting to see Cameron, I have to do my best right now to avoid seeing him. That means not going to places that I know he might be. This is especially frustrating because I just found out that he'll be going to a CD release party that I had been hoping to go to tonight. Oh well, I've only seen the band perform like four times in as many months. Maybe more I can't remember. But the important thing to keep in mind is that the more I look after myself by keeping out of dangerous situations now the more likely it is that I will stay out of dangerous situations later. Or at least I'll have time to heal up and be safe before I do. You know? That wasn't clear was it.

Let's put it this way. I've been hiding my feelings from myself and others. More from others but still from myself as well. So I've been allowing myself to get into certain situations even though I was, and probably am, too fragile to handle them in a safe and healthy manner. This is a pattern that I've learned which fulfils my need to seem indestructible and protect others from having to worry about me, while not fulfilling my need to rest up and look after myself when I'm feeling vulnerable and in pain. So in order to learn not to do this in the future I have to really make sure and do it now. Especially considering the severity of the situation. Life or death sometimes.

Keeping things that I could harm myself with out of the way. Staying away from tall buildings when I'm alone or in a bad mood. Or going somewhere to think. Making sure that I get enough sleep and nourishment even if I don't feel tired or hungry. A boy's gotta' regenerate. Making sure that I have a backup plan for the night just in case I have to leave the place that I'm at because seeing certain events or people at the moment isn't very wise. You know, if he shows up at the bar my friends and I are at, we go somewhere else. Pre-planned. And if my friends won't do that then I don't go out with them that night. I find someone else to hang out with. I can have fun with anyone. So I don't really have to worry about that. Besides there are lots of places I've never been in this town. Of course there are lots of places I never want to be either.

Anyway this is turning into a rant but its very, very, therapeutic for me to express. I think this is more for me than anything, cause this way I can think about it as I write. Everyone should try this.

Well its been a little while so I owe you an update. I really think that this time I've spent avoiding Cam and working on my issues is helping. I have quite a way to go still but I'm learning a lot about myself and where I'm coming from. I'm also a lot happier than I was before. I'm not exactly ready to do cart-wheels in the street but I'm feeling a bit better. Right now I'm starting into the deepest part of my thoughts on me that I've done so far. (Not that it won't keep getting deeper as I go along). I'm exploring why it is that I got so attached to this person in two months that I would feel that I wanted to die when it ended.

I mean its sounds absurd to me. What's so important about being in a relationship with someone that I would feel enough pain to warrant a desire to die? Not that Cam isn't a special person and all, but in a third person kind of perspective its just silly to have that kind of reaction to the end of any relationship. But I was there and that's what I have to figure out. What is it about having a relationship that I am so overwhelmingly needing? Why do I feel this rush or dead line to get into the perfect relationship and keep it? Where am I going so quickly that I need to get Mr. Right right now and keep him?

The answer must be blowing in the wind because I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe I'm distancing myself from it. Depersonalizing it by theoretical analysis and not feeling it. Thus keeping myself from seeing what's causing this intense feeling of need to have a long term relationship that works out. Maybe it comes from my need to feel that I am intelligent. Stick with me here. I need to feel that I am considered intelligent right? Right? Right! Therefore I need to show that I make good choices and stick to them. If I'm smart I should be able to decide the right thing and keep with it, eh? So maybe I am feeling that I need to have a long term, happy for eternity, relationship when I get into them because I think I've made a bad choice if it doesn't work out and smart people don't make that kind of screw up?

Hmmmmm........ I don't know I think perhaps it also has something to do with this intense need to feel loved. I know that I'm loved by my friends, family, and even some strangers who just happened to get attached to me through my site or the few times I've been interviewed on TV. But for some reason I don't feel that need being filled in those. Its close but something feels like its missing. I don't know what. But is that thing that's missing enough to kill myself over. Right now I say no but at the time it felt damn painful, so I really need to figure out what's up.

I know that there were times when I was talking about the world in general. How hopeless it is and how its going to be impossible to fix the big problems like war and hunger if we can't even raise our kids well enough to have a good and caring relationship by the time they're in their late twenties. But I'm not sure if that's what I was feeling or if it was just the pain talking... lashing out against what it saw as a cause. I don't know.

I think that its got a lot to do with what Jenn mentioned to me today at lunch and my therapist was scratching at in the session. Do I think I'm a valuable person? Am I not good enough as an individual to warrant living happily? In other words how's my self esteem? Well I believe that I am an attractive and intelligent person. I think. I seem to require reminding a lot. People tell me that I am and I say "I know" or "Thank you" and I'm not sure if I feel like I believe them.

I've learned that feeling and knowing are very different. You can know something is going to happen (like you're going to die of a tumour) which is when you make plans and arrangements. You research your options and you look into your resources. Then there's when you feel something is going to happen. That's when you freak out and cry and scream and pray and begg. That's when you are confused and you don't want to do the things that you "know" you have to do.

I'm starting to learn how to feel things and not just think about them. I have to admit that I really don't find it easy... it really slows things down. But it works.

Hello all, I hope that your season's treating you well. Well I'm doing pretty good. I recently gave my heart away and it wasn't handed back to me on a platter with chucks out of it. I was given another's instead. Sort of a fair exchange I'd say. Well it's not all roses and stream-side walks or anything. He moved far far away, sadly. But he's still in touch and we're missing eachother and I'm happy about that.

Now you're probably wondering why this is pertinent to my personal growth. Well here's the thing. During my direct association with him I had some trouble voicing things that were bothering me and it caused some momentary problems. Thankfully there was a very understanding and forgiving individual involved in this situation with me so I was given the opportunity to change my ways of communication and I'd say that I made some improvements. I think that I still need to work on my communication and assertiveness to a great degree, but I did quite well in letting him know things that I liked and disliked and will continue to do so in the future. With even more fairness and assertiveness and with clearer communication. Hopefully this will improve my interactions with both him and everyone else in my life.

I'm sure that my friends, family, amd associates will be most pleased once I master the art of making a declarative statement. Like "No I don't like that and I would be more comfortable if...." or "I liked that but I would be more comfortable if..." I'd say that this isn't going to be easy but I'm going to do it. I want my interactions to be rewarding for both myself and those in my life...no matter what role they are playing. Friends, family, boyf, aqcuaintance, co-worker, etc.

Well it's been a while so let's update you shall we. I have recently ended my weekly trips to the therapist, I liked them and they were very productive and helpful for me. But my therapist decided to go and have a baby do she needed some time off and we were finding that I was making progress from my hard work so we decided that it was a good place to end. So I still have work that I am doing with myself to maintain my self but I am doing great. I am happy with myself and I am having fun and working at life. I have recently started seeing an extremely nice guy who I shall not name here, cause he dislikes the net so I won't associate him with it too much. He treats me right and we are getting along very nicely after a couple of months of dating. It is possible that this will be the last time that I update this page since I feel that I have changed a great deal since I started it and am not sure if I need it any more. I will, of course keep adding to the rest of my site as I go through life but this page may bite it eventually.

It's very strange how the way that I think about a great deal of things has changed. Not to an extreme point in some cases but in other...well to an extreme point. I think that I have mellowed a great deal in how I see the world and its views of me. I have especially improved and intend to keep working on how I think of me and how I think of others. But I have noticed that the way taht I think about stuff has altered over the last year. Like the end of a relationship is NOT the end of the world; it may be sad and it may be difficult, but it's something to live through. Besides if you don't live through it how are you supposed to move on?

Anyway it's been wonderful writing this page for you all, over the last year and I will keep doing my site for you in the future. Hopefully as great as ever. And someday I am going to figure out what kind of face lift to give to this site so it looks even more cool.

Yeeech, it's been another lengthy time since I updates this page, and it is well in need of an addition. The pain that I was in over a year ago has stopped...actually it's very dead now. I am still in a somewhat different frame of mind when it comes to things surrounding relationships. I am currently in one with a really nice guy, who won't let me discuss him at any length online because he despises the internet. He and I have our differences in thoughts and ideaologies but it's never really the end of the world. And if we break up, although I would be terribly upset, I would live, because life goes on and people move on with it. Heck they can even be friends. That one's a bit tricky but if you give yourself the time to adjust and move on emotionally and stay open to friendship and understanding about that it just wasn't meant for you to be romantically invovled that you can be friends with an ex.

Now I can't really back that up with a lot of experience but I am friends with people that I have dated and it's fine. Although I do really like dating the sweety that I am with right now I am sure that I will not be needing to make an entire web page about it if we break up. Actually one of the only reasons that I still have this page is that people seem to have gotten interested in the semi-regular entries and I would have to change a lot of the links on my site to get rid of this page. Allas that only reason that I haven't changed the name of this page is because the links would all need changed too, but anyway, always remember that you can get through greif and that there is always another option. Hope may seem naive at times but it does foster the chance to have happiness later another time.

S'later

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