Coming Out
Issues and Handy Hints
This is a page that I've made to spread some of the knowledge that I have obtained through readings and personal experience in the wonderful, yet often nerve racking, process of coming out. Followed, of course, by living your life as it is now, usually very much like it was before. Not always in that order.
Now coming out is never easy, at least at first. It involves a tremendous amount of courage and usually a lot of change. It is the process of coming to grips, and becoming comfortable, with your sexual orientation and how it effects (and affects) who you are. Then letting those in your life know who you are once you've gotten comfortable with it.
This is usually a process of loss. For some its a loss of old concepts. Like having kids, although for most this is no longer an issue. Getting married, yet again something that many have over come. The feelings of loss for the gay, lesbian, or bisexual individual are usually short lived. After all, you're still the same person you've always been. You still have the same morals, hopes, and fears that you've always had. You still feel the same way about your friends and family. You still want the same career or home that you've always wanted. You just happen to know that you'd feel more comfortable coming to that home from your chosen work place to a loving and caring same-sex spouse.
For parents and friends the feelings of loss can be somewhat more impacting. Often they feel like the person that they've known all their lives has just, in a sense, died and been replaced with someone new. Someone that they don't know. All of their hopes and dreams that they had for thier sister, brother, child, or friend have to be re-evaluated and changed to fit this new person.
Now sometimes this isn't that big of a deal. My sisiter's period of adjustment, for example, took long enough for her to say "So, and your point is?" While my mother took about a week to get used to it. My father took about a year to go from thinking it was a contagious disease to bringing me dinner when I volunteered at Gay and Lesbian Health Services in Saskatoon. My brother thought that my dad was a moron and really didn't care if I was turning pink let alone if I was gay. My friends were all supportive and some opened their minds a little more just because their cool friend Ryan had come out. So you can see that everyone needs a different amount of time to adjust.
One thing that should be pointed out is that I had a very good reception. Not everyone gets such a loving and supportive group of friends and family. For some the period of loss is really traumatic. Many people have lost close friends and family in the transition. Some people are so set in their hopes and dreams that when their child, friend, or sibling comes out they react like the very person they had dreams for had been killed by this new queer in thier lives. Sometimes lashing out in response to the openess, fearing such a titanic change.
Now, even the negative reactions don't have to last forever. Sometimes it just takes a little time for people to get used to the new version of you and they come around. Remember Dad, he took some time, as well as Mom and I had to have some discussions about the whole "Ryan being Gay" thing in front of him... just so he'd ask questions and learn. It took some time, and he didn't ask questions at first, but he opened up and realised that the only thing that had change was who I might marry later on in life. He soon discovered that I was still the same old pain in the ass, loud mouthed, annoying son he'd always had. It just took some time.
The sad stories are the ones that never open up. Those people that can't seem to accept the change and go on as they always have. I can't think of any right now. All I can say is that these people probably aren't healthy to have in your life anyways. It will of course hurt to say goodbye to your friend or family member, but its not like you're making a choice to cut them from your life. It would be their choice, not that this makes it any easier.
Its always important, especially when coming out, to have a friend or even a professional to talk to about how you are feeling. School counsellors (good ones that is), most ministers (united Church ones are your best bet, even though that's not even a garauntee), or a supportive friend, parent, or mental health worker. There are usually services for those of you who are coming out to get support and education. At the U of S alone there are: GLUS, Student Counceling Services, Campus ministry Chaplins (like Collin Clay or the chaplins at STM), The Student Help Center, and the LGB (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual) Center. Then in Saskatoon we have Mental Health (no you don't have to be completely nuts to need someone to talk to), Social Services, even doctors and teachers can sometimes be very supportive and know things that might help.
Sometimes the best kind of support is when we support each other. The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation(GLAAD) is one type of organization that helps to fight for our rights and stop people who refuse to open their minds from at least making us pay for their refusal to change. Another place to get support would be Equality for Gays and Lesbians Everywhere (EGALE). Its an organization set up to encourage the government to keep its nose clean in respecting the rights of its Gay and Lesbian citizens.
For more resouces on coming out you should Click Here
Remember when you come out, how you come out and even if you come out to someone is up to you. Don't let anyone rush you to come out and if you feel like you are being outed tell whoever's doing it. Just remember though, people don't always realise that they're doing it. So be fair and don't forget that not everyone knows who you're out to. So don't get mad, talk things out. We're not all going to be on the same wave length all the time. Some of us aren't as sensitive about levels of outness once we've been there for a few years so your seasoned gay friends might be the worst with this sort of thing. Although I garauntee that they really don't mean any harm. We are who we are and asking people to change just because we aren't comfortable with how they act is unfair. Maybe waiting until you're more comfortable with yourself before getting into certain circumstances would be a good idea. In the end you should do what you're most comfortable with. As long as you're being fair to yourself and your friends. I don't know about anyone else but worrying about being thought of as gay when you are gay could be a sign that you aren't fully comfortable with yourself.
is that coming out is not about telling other people that you're gay. Its an introspective journey of self discovery, and becoming comfortable and secure with who you are. You've got to know yourself before anyone else can.
If you are a parent or friend of a Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual person you can get some support or resources from PFLAG (Parents and Friends or Lesbians and Gays). Check out the:
Another good site is The Youth Assistance Organization, their site is excellent.