Check out archive:
-One; The Beginning to April 13,1998
-Three; Jun. 8,1998 to July 22, 1998
-Four; Aug. 3,1998 to the Oct 12, 1998
-Five; Oct. 19,1998 to December 23, 1998.
-Six; Jan. 1,1999 to August 22, 1999.
- Seven; September 19, 1999 to Feb 11, 2002.
-Eight; Feb. 24, 2002 to present.
Back to Ryan's Rant of the Week
April 19, 1998 April 26, 1998 May 4, 1998 May 12, 1998 May 20, 1998 May 24, 1998 June 3, 1998
This is a poem written by my best friend Jenn on June 1st. It was the 13th
anniversary of her father's passing. I believe that it is one of
the most beautiful poems that I have ever read and therefore must
be shared with the world. Jennifer loves her farther dearly and
so I love him as well. From everything that she has told me about
him I wish that I could have met him and feel a loss that I never
had the chance. She misses him so much that it moves me to tears
just to think about. So please read this peom in memory of him
and keep Jenn in your heart for a little while, like I do every
day.
Daddy
Remember that day,
When we swam together?
I remember your laughter,
And the momentary fear in your eyes
When I played my little trick
And hid under the waves.
You thought you had lost me.
Remember when you lost your keys?
You asked me to climb through the window
And unlock the door.
I laughed at your silliness,
And was eager for the grand adventure.
I remember your tears when I bumped my head.
Remember the car wash?
I'd sit in the car,
And laugh as you'd pretend to spray me,
Safe on the other side of the glass.
Remember your spontaneous shopping sprees?
And the look in mom's eyes when we'd come home with new toys,
A Cabbage Patch doll for me,
A new stereo for you.
Remember that day,
When you got fed up with my mess,
And threw out all the treasures of a little girl?
My bits of paper, my rock, and twigs, and special objects,
That only I could appreciate?
Little did you know how much they meant to me.
My favorite garbage can.
Remember that one time
When I was a complete brat?
(And I swear, it wasn't often that I was a brat)
What I did doesn't matter now.
But it was enough to make you mad.
You did something you had never done before.
A spank.
Probably no harder than you'd swat a fly.
But it hurt me.
I cried.
I gave you shit.
I made you sorry you had done it.
I told you to never do it again.
Mom said you cried that night,
As you listened to my angry shouts from my room.
I guess you just didn't have to heart to do anything but love me,
And spoil me.
I was your little girl.
Remember the pink elephants?
You thought you had me on that one.
Little did you know that I was too smart for that.
Pink elephants and purple giraffes don't really exist, daddy.
I just pretended to believe you because it made you happy.
Remember our last good-bye?
It was so much like every other night.
I heard your boots on the kitchen floor,
Even though you tried to be quiet.
To not wake me.
But I have a feeling that you always hoped,
I'd hear you walking and come down to see.
Those times were special.
Mom never knew of our secret adventures.
Our special bond.
You were my daddy,
I was your little girl.
That night, I sat on your lap,
Like so many other nights,
I kissed you good-bye.
I felt your whiskers on my cheek.
(I still remember the feel of them)
You left for work.
A last good-bye.
----
Thirteen years gone by now. I still love you daddy. I'll
always be your little girl.
Jenn's email is jenn-webb@home.com
My e-mail is ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Good Morning all,
I hope that you are all having a wonderful time on the net. This week I'm having a hard time deciding about what to rant over. I mean its just not been all that busy of a week. I have somethings that are on my mind but they aren't all that appropriate for this page. Most are on other pages so you don't have to worry about emailing me to ask what.
One thing that I do want to say is that this town is really boring. I mean yes there's an awful lot that goes on in Saskatoon and there are tons of things to do. My problem is that I have either grown out of most of them or have done the rest so much that I find them mundane.
Purhaps its because I haven't left this city in four months and I'm used to going out of town for at least one weekend a month. I went to a farm that a friend of mine was house sitting at last night and it felt really good to be out of town. Sure I was only twenty minutes out of town, but it was still far enough away that I could see the stars and the aroa boriallis [I'm not sure how to spell it]. It was great. The best part was that I wasn't there with anyone I usually hang out with and it was a break from my usual Saturday night.
That's something that I suppose I need to do more often. Once a month find something that I've never done, or somewhere I've never been and go there. A bar I'm not used to. A movie I've never seen. A mall I don't live near. A friend I haven't heard from in a while. Just get out of the rut and keep experiencing new things. That'll break my boredom.
I don't usually like change though. "Change is BAD!" I tell my friends. Its uncomfortable for me. It disrupts my status quo. The calm sea upon which I sail. Of course in the past most of the change in my life has always represented a challange of one type or another. Or at least that's how I've seen it. Starting university, comming out in high school, moving out of my parents' house, losing a relationship. Those have all been challenging. I have yet to make or experience a change (this year) that was purely stress free, or low stress.
You know what I mean. Change hair colours without someone going "EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!! What did you do to your hair?!" Or start wearing a new style of clothes, without scaring people. Although I like my hair and my taste in clothing is just fine. I don't change much myself. I like my teadium I guess. But sometimes I just get that craving for a change that was all mine.
Maybe that's it. So many changes influenced by others. I took university, yes because I wanted to, but also because I need a degree for my career. I moved out because my parents are retiring and they want to sell the house. I came out in high school because I really didn't feel like lying anymore. And it felt great. The end of, what felt like, a significant relationship. Not my choice, actually I realy wish there had been another option. I'm learning to live with it, very slowly.
I came out in high school. I think that this is the only change out of all of these that I decided to make 100% myself. After all, no one else knew. That was a big challenge. Every girl in the school telling me they were disappointed that I would never date them. Every guy acting like he was afraid I would date them. Especially the football team jocks, boy they sure must have been in the closet or my presence in the school would not have been a threat. "I sure hope he doesn't hit on me. I might not be able to resist. We'll have a passionate and torid affair and then I'll disappoint my parents. I'd better try to be mean to the cute guy...I mean 'faggot!'"
But you know I'm weird, or am I. Do you ever have the urge to drastically change something in your life but you didn't know what or how. And under the urge was the fear of changing something in your life. 'Cause then you lose stability and security. Hey taking chances on change is risky. You could decide to quit your job and move to another city. Of course you'd do it in a second if you knew for a fact that you could get another (possibly better) job in the other city. Not to mention if you at least knew where you'd be living, maybe even get your own place at an affordable price. But how do you know that'll happen?
You don't. Its just like starting a new relationship or starting to walk for the first time. You have to take little steps towards changing your life. Otherwise you'll probably fall on your ass and it'll take a lot longer to do it. But if you go slow and give yourself the freedom to screw up once in awhile you'll do just fine. Or you'll end up in the gutter. But at least you'l have tried.
Change...it happening. You just have to decide if its happening to you or if your making happen.
My e-mail is ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Good afternoon everybody. I hope that you are doing well. That's great! Have you ever been asked a stupid question? Like "If you were trapped on a desert island with the celeberaty of your choice who would it be?" or "If you had to eat just one thing for the rest of your life, what would you eat?" For one thing who the hell cares about which celeberaty you want to do the nasty with. Besides who wants to do their favorite celeb. on a beach anyway. All that sand getting into your...shorts and shoes, etc. And about that only one food in the world thing. How in the hell are you going to keep to one food and not die eventually. I don't know very much about nutrition or the chemical make up of foods but I'm sure that you need to have more than one thing to eat. Otherwise you'll run out of nutrients of one kind or another and get sick or die.
But really I like the hypothetical types of conversations that I have with my friends. Sure the situations that we discuss are rare or even impossible but they're still better than "If you could only wear one piece of clothing for the rest of your life what would it be?" We discuss things that I find a little more interesting than that. I mean sure we've asked eachother if we'd ever cheat on our significant other if we had the chance to do someone we'd wanted to for a long time. However we usually end up just talking about things like aboriginal self-government. What we think would have happened if the Roman Empire had never fallen. Whether or not the government should legalise and tax the use of pot. You know things that have more of a realistic side. Not that peopel never sleep with celeberaties its just that its so rare that we get stuck on deserted islands.
You know asking people questions about which of their friends they would be willing to sleep with. Or even which of their friends they would be willing to part with. These can be very enlightening questions. Sometimes the answers are really surprising. They're still hypothetical but the fact is that you can learn a lot about someone by the way that they treat and view their friends. The way that someone would handle a realistic hypothetical situation can really show you the type of person that you are dealing with.
Try it. Ask your best friend who, from your circle of friends, they would sleep with. Or who they would really like to go away. It'll change your world.
My e-mail is ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Have you ever been locked out of your house? I know its rare, but it has happened to everyone at some point in time or another. Its frustrating isn't it?
I think that the fear that people feel is perfectly rational. I mean everything that you hold dear, that belongs to you, everything that you own has been locked away from you. And you're the one who did it. You put the lock on your door, or turned the key that would bar everyone from your stuff. Even you.
Ironic isn't it. You locked the door in order to protect your stuff from being taken by everybody else. And what happens? You are locked away from it too.
And really what are you all so worried about? You have a lot of different places you can go. You can stay at a friends place or with some family member in town if you need to. You aren't going to die if you can't get into the house rigth away. But there's a reason that you so desperately want into the house. A reason why you are clibming up a tree and trying to pry your bedroom window open with the crowbar from your trunk. Because you can't stand to be out of your space, away from your things, and unable to sit in the security of the knowledge that you are somewhere that is yours and that its a place where no one else can invade. Where you can control how your things are or are not to be used and by whom.
But why should we be so insanely controlling of things, of space. Why should we be so intently set on keeping everybody else out of our homes and away from our things? Because we have the only stuff of value in the world? No. Because we are physically dependent on the things in our homes or the homes themselves? No. Because we get a feeling of security and pride in the ability to say "This is mine and you can't take it?" More than likely.
You think I'm wrong? You want me to prove it? Okay I will. Give your remote control to the person that lives across the street. Not the one that runs the T.V. in the guest bedroom, the one in your bedroom. I'll bet that if you don't become enormously anxious about that idea I bet you think its the most obsurd thing you've ever heard.
Did I prove my point? No? Then leave your keys on the counter before you go to work. Just the ones to the house. Do it on a day that you know you'll be busy and won't remember that you don't have them until you get home. Then let me know how it feels to be locked out. Did you think about the fact that you can't access the you favorite T.V. show or you most precious belonging? Were you worried that your house would burn down while you where locked out? Like your house is unable to take care of itself. If it was okay while you were at work, school, or the mall all day, why would it suddenly burst into flames now? Or is it you who can't survive without the house? Without your space? Or belongings?
Think about it.
My e-mail is ryan_fea@hotmail.com
This is the contest winner for my week of May 4, 1998. Jenn, as the contest rules stipulated, was the first person to send in a rant. I also think that it is fantastic and inspiring. She is a good friend of mine and I think that this is something that I am proud to put my seal of approval on this rant.
Gee - good timing on that contest, I've been wanting to rant about this for a while! So, here goes:
Is bisexuality real - or is it, as so many would say, a big fat hoax? Am I a fence sitter? Is it a choice for me? Am I bi so that I can have all the joys of being with a fabulous woman, and still receive heterosexual privilege?
Here's my take on the whole issue.
I am a bisexual woman. Many people (especially those who might read personal ads) would interpret that to mean that I am married, or primarily date men, and want to try a little adventure on the side, or better yet, that my boyfriend/husband wants to watch. And while that is just as legitimate as any other life, it is not me. You see, I have a girlfriend, and am in love with her. Just because I am attracted to members of both sexes does not mean that I have to have one of each on either arm! (and while that might be fun, I love my girlfriend too much to risk losing her).
Do bisexuals sit on the fence? I'd like to think that we work to tear down the fence. Why does there need to be a fence at all? Why does everything have to fit into a neat little category? Why can't we just accept the diversity of life, and the continuum of existence. Call me a hybrid if you will, but remember that things rarely fit into a box (well, I suppose that depends on what kind of box you are talking about!)
When I came out to my mom (and yes, we bisexuals do come out too, we don't just live as heterosexuals and have sex with MOTSS on the side), she said that it *is* a choice. I denied that, and she retorted with a pretty valid point - I *can* choose to be with a man without going against my nature (my mom accepts homosexuality much better than bisexuality). However, just because I could be with a man doesn't mean that my relationship with a woman is any less valid or natural. Look at it this way - free will is a human right. We may take it for granted some times, but we do have the right to determine our own lives. There are some options we would never choose, and others that we would. While "mono"sexuals limit their options to members of one sex, I do not.
That does not mean that I will fall for anything that walks, it just means that I can appreciate the appeal of both sexes. When I look into my future, I could just as easily see myself settling down with a good woman as a good man. And if I do end up with a man, I am not selling out!
It's all about who we fall in love with, after all. And you know something, you don't have to understand it, sometimes I don't even understand it. I just know that I could not be happy if I limited myself to one sex or the other for life. I need the freedom to be with who I want to. And right now, I am in love with a beautiful woman, and if you dare to tell me that it is unnatural or that I should just find a nice guy and settle down, well, that's your right, but I just won't listen!
The hardest thing about bisexuality? Experiencing prejudice from both sides. It is no wonder that so many bisexuals "pick a side". It is a lot easier to just be a lesbian and sleep with men on the side than it is to be openly bisexual. As long as your lesbian friends never find out, you can keep your club membership. But the way I look at it, I spent too much time coming to terms with my own sexuality to lock myself in another closet and to have to live with more lies.
Jenn
You can email Jenn at jenn-webb@home.com
Today I want to talk about taking people for granted. Yes that little thing that we do when we feel secure in the knowledge that someone in our lives will always be there when we have time to get around to seeing, calling, or talking to them.
I have, I must admit, dated a few people in my life..actual a couple times that really. And in my time I have dated people who were always attentive..at first. Some people were attentive to the end, although sometimes I took them for granted so it still happened. Yes I'll admit that I've taken people for granted, but I'll only admit it once.
Now having been taken for granted more often than having taken others for granted I think I can speak for the neglected side on this topic. IT HURTS...A LOT. You've been there haven't you? You devote yourself to someone and give yourself freely and blindly to them. You invest your heart and you always return their calls...then they just stop calling. They don't drop by anymore, and they seem to disappear into thin air.
So at first you think "He's probably just busy today, no big deal. I'll talk to him later." Then after a couple of days you're thinking "Well he's been so busy he probably needs some time to himself to relax. (Eventhough he could just tell me that)." Five days go by and you're thinking "He might be dead. I hope he's okay." A week goes by and you start saying to yourself "He'd better be dead, or I'm gonna start taking this personally." After three months of intermitant calling and every once in a while stopping by his house to say hi you might start considering leaving a message that you've moved and you've been asked out by twelve different people who were sure they hadn't seen you with anyone for a while. So you leave a message that you want to consider your relationship desolved. Then he calls you up and says, "I don't understand it was going so well!"
After you've explained that answering machines for four months do not make up a relationship, even though things were wonderful during the first month and a half. And you've explained that it would have been fine to call and let you know that he was having some doubts about the relationship or that he was afraid of committment. Then..then is when you take what's left of your broken, squished, mashed, neglected, and torn heart and you move on with your life.
Sure it takes a long time and you'll feel like you want to die every day for the rest of your life...but you'll be fine. You'll never date again but you'll live.
But this doesn't just happen in relationships of love and affection. It happens in friendships, families, business affiliations. People get so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget about the people that make those lives special. They have to work late so they miss dinner with their spouse. They have to write a paper, and they waited until the last minute so they can't take in a movie with their friends. They get so caught up in the basketball season that they don't call their Mom on her birthday. They are so engrossed in their own little mental world that they forget to acknowledge any of the people in their lives when they try to get ahold of them.
If anyone can think of a good way to deal with being tken for granted let me know, its happened before I'm sure it'll happen again. I do know one thing...if you take too many people for granted for too long eventually word'll get out and people will stop hanging out with you.
My e-mail is ryan_fea@hotmail.com
This week I want to talk about something that some people might find laughable. Hugging. That's right I'm talking about a good old fashioned hug...Jennifer gave me the idea by the way.
Have you ever been down, really happy, maybe leaving the company of a good friend? We all have. What is the best way to say "good -bye, can't wait to see yu again!" or "I care about you." or "I really appreciate your friendship" or "God am I glad to see you!" than with a hug! Its goos for you it supportive and it feels so damn good.
Now maybe you think ths all sounds too touchy feely or sappy. Well you're wrong! Too bad its completely correct. If people would hug more often the world would be a better place. People would be more comfortable with each other and with sharing their feelings. There would always be a supportive atmosphere and we would always feel loved.
So perhaps I was raise differently than some people but we always hugged. If someone had a bad day or was sad, a hug just seemed to hit the spot. If we were going away for a few days and wouldn't be seeing each other, we hugged. Even now, after I visit my parents and go to leave my Mom always asks for her hug and my Dad gets one too. We're just huggy people I guess. I hug my sister whenever I see her, and my brother and his wife too. My neices always get several hugs from Uncle Ryan. And we're all very happy and shring people. Even when we aren't happy we're still sharing, we seem to be able to tell each other off and still talk to each other afterward.
My friends, the majority that is, have gotten quite accustomed to this minor detail. Most seem fine with getting their hug that comes as soon as I see them. Of course those that express that they don't like hugging don't get hugged and there some that I make sure and ask first before hugging them. Most of those are males, they wouldn't want to look gay in the wrong environment. I don't really have that problem because I don't think of hugging as a gay or straight thing...its just hugging. Hugging surpasses the boundries of sexual orientation, race, creed, or political affiliation. It is an all inclusive gusture of friendship and commradory.
Think about it, what does a professional hockey team after they win the Stanley Cup? They carry it around on the ice and hug each other a lot. They aren't expressing repressed homosexual feelings they're just hugging. They're friends and co-workers who have just made a momentous step in their careers and personal acheiments and they want to show that they appreciate each other and want to share this moment of joy.
I once heard that people should be hugged three times a day. This is supposed to help keep people happy campers. So if you think that one of the special or important people in your life hasn't been as happy as they usually are lately. Ask them if they want a hug, I'll bet you that they'll be a bit happier for it...and so will you.
Please remember not ot get too carried away with hugging, yes it can be a good thing but people should never hug anyone without permission. It would be an invasion of their personal spcae and potentially an asault. I know you might wat to help but sometimes people need their space and just don't want to be hugged.
That's my rant for the week of April 19th, 1998. Hug someone today.
My e-mail is ryan_fea@hotmail.com
If you have any comments, questions, or
suggestions please feel free to 
.
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