Check out archive pages:
- One; From the beginning to April 6,1998
- Two; April 19, 1998 to June 3, 1998
-Three; June 8,1998 to July 22, 1998
- Four; August 3,1998 October 12, 1998
- Six; January 1, 1999 to August 22, 1999
- Seven; September 19, 1999 to Feb 11, 2002.
-Eight; Feb. 24, 2002 to present.
Back to Ryan's Rant of the Week
October 19th, 1998 November 16th, 1998 December 9th, 1998 December 16th, 1998 December 23rd, 1998
This week I wanna talk about comfort. Everyone has comfort issues: personal space, a warm blanky, reading a good book with someone that you love at the computer (just three feet away) and you're completely content just to be there at that moment with them in your presence. People are sometimes not comfortable with other peoples' behaviour, and usually tell that person so taht they can change it. People are often not comfortable with their lives so they change that too.
Comfort is a relative term and a relative experience. Sometimes that's a literal statement; some people not being comfortable around their relatives. Others being more comfortable when they are around their relatives. Some people are more comfortable around people that treat them nicely. Others feel suspicious around people that treat them nicely. I think that everyone is at least a little uncomfortable around people that treat them too nicely. But it's all up to the individual to decide what they are comfortable around and what to do about it when they are uncomfortable.
Which brings up an important question. What do you do when you are in an uncomfortable situation? Some people bolt. They leave the situation and never look back. Others try to fix it, talking to whom ever is involoved and discussing ways to releive the problem, many times coming to a reasonable and comfortable resolution. Others (saps) stick through it, hoping that the problem will fix itself and just go away; never to bother them again. These are usually the people that I study in my psych classes dealing with personality disorders. The people that end up in the ER repeatedly for broken bones or psych evaluation. The ones that say "Well someday he'll come around, stop drinking so much and he won't hit me anymore." I regret having used the word "saps" but the problem is that they aren't facing reality.
Now I'll freely admit to being a sap on occassion. I have, in the past, let things bother me until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I usually would do something stupid and look like an asshole...which would be the accurate term for my behaviour at those times. But I've decided noone of that anymore. From now on it's "When I'm not comfortable I tell people. Directly, fairly (if it's the first time I've had to raise my discomfort), and assertively. Okay so I will always try to be fair but it will require me to be fair to myself as well as being fair to those others involved. Say a friend has been making jabs at me and I don't like it, cause it's demeaning and insulting. Well that's when I ask my friend if they will steo aside with me and ask them to stop, informing them that they are hurting my feelings and how they are hurting my feelings.
Earlier on in life I would never have done this. Just returned the favour with a spiteful comment that cut them to the bone, leaving them more hurt than I. This was an attempt to protect my feelings without telling others that I was vulnerable. Thus leaving myself free from any known threat...or at least people couldn't know that they could hurt me. Keeping me considered whitty and indistructable. Well as time has gone by ("you must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is still a sigh... sorry song slipped in there..) I have learned that not only am I not indistructable but that I need not appear so either. I have recently become more outwardly vulnerable...to a degree [I'm still working on it].. and I'm going to become for forthcoming and assertive with my discomforts no matter what I do.
Now that applies mainly to friends, family, and other loved ones. Acquaintances may still get the odd scathing comment, seeing as someone that you hardly know shouldn't have the audacity to verbally attack you without even knowing you...they probably could use some humbling. But friends, family, and especially boyfriends, or girls friends for you ladies out there, deserve and I think want to know that you are hurt by certain actions and would appreciate the opportunity to stop doing whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable. Thus you are doing you both a favour by letting them know. Your relationship would probably benifit from the discussion. Maybe there's something that you are doing that they are uncomfortable with, and you can work out your differences.
Now if you do open yourself up to someone and they either say they'lll work on it and don't or just don't care to begin with than hey they aren't worth being in your life in the first place. So lose them, take that old pair of association scissors and snip them out of your life for good. Sometimes the best thing that you can do for that alcoholic-abusive-unfaithful boyfriend of your's whom you "love so much" is to let them go to let them know that you love them enough not to see them making a disaster out of their lives and your's. Not to say taht they won't ever change after that. Heck if they consider you important in their lives they will change. And they'll stay changed. But if you aren't important to yourself hey stay with them. Let them ruin your life while their doing in their own. What does it matter. I'll tell you something though. It matters to your other friends and your family and to him or her in the end.
And I'll bet it does to you. You're just afraid of losing your security. Be it emotional or financial, physical or spiritual. But you know what, let go of your fear for a little while. You'll be okay as long as you look after yourself, cause you'll look after so many others while you're doing it. Not that that is easy. You'll need to be strong and you'll need to ask some people for help. Even if it's just for a hug once in a while from your mom. But you'll feel so much better after you've done it. And you'll be on the way to a healthier and more productive and rewarding life. One where you can [pardon the cliche] be all that you can be. You don't necessarily have to join the army to do it, but heck you'd get a very nice workout in basic training.
All kidding aside. Look after yourself and love yourself and you will be able to do the same for others once you do. You'll be a better person for it and all you've have done is kept yourself safe and sane.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Oh, and remember if you drink don't drive, a cab is well worth your life and the lives of those around you. And if you play, play safe, a condom is well worth the price of your life and the lives of those around you.
To anyone whose religious beliefs are different from my left wing Christian beliefs or are non-religious: Enjoy the break and the holliday of your choosing. It is a valid and wonderful choice whatever you're doing this season, as long as you are safe and happy and you aren't hurting anyone...including yourself.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
This week I actually don't know what I should write about. I think that I will just ramble incoherently about anything that ocmes to mind in the course of my typing....here's one. It's something that I have dealt with in my life several times, with friends and family and loved ones of all sorts and sizes and kinds.
When someone that you care about has to leave. Move on with their lives, and move away from you in one way or another. The worst type of this is of course when someone that you love dies. That is not only a painful and usually sudden change but is something permanent. Death is one thing that we cannot overcome in our efforts to fix things in life. It is sorrow and pain and adjustment with little possibility of changing things.
Another is when someone that you love or care about leaves your life, this is sometimes because of an arguement or disagreement or a mistake or offense that one of you has committed against the other. This becomes a problem that can be repaired or fixed if you and the other person are willing to communicate and work towards a resolution of the difficulty. THis is one thing that is painful and ahard to know what to deal with but can be overcome if it is meant to. I know I've done it myself. I think that if I can do it, anyone can.
The last type that I can think of is probably one of the most difficult to deal with. When someone that you care about or love must leave your life for one reason or another. Perhaps they are moving to another city or they have to go to live with a sick member of the family to tend to them and will not come back for a good long time. Things like that. It's difficult because you know that they don't neseccarily want to leave you but that they have to leave you. It's somthing that most people can accept but aren't very happy about and it still causes you to feel pain and often loneliness for that person. But it doesn't have to be the end of your aquantance, you can still talk on the phone, write letters and e-mails. ICQ could be a possible help if you have the net (which you obviously do), that is as long as there is an ICQ service....wars in the middle east motivated by Clinton's need to divert public attention from his impeachment hearings not withstanding. And of course there are still "big metal birds," trains, and automobiles to fairy you back and forth for visits. As long as it is possible for you.
But nevertheless people leave and people come and then that leave again and you get used to it and you live. But someitmes there are those people that you meet that you know that you never want to lose touch with and those are the ones that count. The ones taht you will have a little piece of your heart allocated for until time ends (or you end which ever comes first). You knwo that it can work, just don't give up your friends, family, and loved ones to fear and doubt.
I have had several people move from where I am. Some I have thought to go with, a couple more strongly than others. Friends that I love as dearly as my own family, and friends whom I love as dearly as life itself. I have not followed but I have remained and intend to always remain, in touch (fairly regularly) and visiting with them from time to time (whenever possible).
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
This week I wanna talk about lesbian power. I know that sounds a little weird but it's true they do have a weird sorta powere thing. Maybe it's the butch thing or something. But I was hanging with this elsbian friend of mine who opened this one dorr that two fags couldn't get open. Not to mention the fact that they can play pool and we don't seem to be all that good at it. I don't know I think that there is some sort of strange genetic thing that let's them be able to do these things that we can't.
They also get to have babies. Something that I wish I could do is have children. I want to have like five kids, strapping boys like me. Well they don't have to be boys, I would love to have a little baby girl to raise too. I would make such a good father. I'm so great with kids and I love my nieces sooo much. I'm pretty good with them too. I always have their attention and I love my little niece Gabby. So I wish that I could have kids like women can. So it's just one more power that they have that I want to have. It would be nice to be able to make babies...although if I could get pregnant I probably would have had several by now.
So yeah, that's all I have to say for now. But I might add more about women power later on but that's mostly what I want I wanted to talk about. Maybe it's more that I want to have kida than it is that I want to be a lesbian although some times I do understand women better than I do men.
So that's my rant for the week next week I might rant about my little borther Jordan. Have a good week all.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Well its been quite a while and there have been many encouragements to get a new rant up. So here's my attempt for right now. I've had a bit of writer's block mixed in with the fatc that I thought that Matthew Shepard deserved more time than a regular rant. But here goes:
Many people spend their entire lives trying to understand themselves and others. This has often been labeled the pursuit of psychology and often just the philosophical pursuit of humanity. I think that I've been on that journey myself. Thus far, unfortuantely, I have failed to comprehend or understand both myself and humanity as a whole.
It would seem that no matter how much studying I do or how much intrespection and discussion I have done I have yet to understand people to my satisfaction. Thusly I intend to continue my work to understand us all.
Lately, as I hope to speak of in my growth page, I have run into some problems with understanding myself as well as others. I have been frustrated with my conflict of interests in the office and affairs of love as well as the ability for others to understand where I'm at.
It seems that I want to be in a relationship but I cannot handle it as of yet. Something that caused Jas and another friend of mine great pain in the recent tiems. I wish that I could have avoided the situation at all but it happened and now I have to deal with it.
The problem is that I have become close to two people recently, in different measures for both, but the result was the same. In one I got into a relationship without it registering fully until it had developed passed my ability to cope with it and I had to cut it off because it was affecting my life in a negative way. Not anyone's fault really, just my behaviours were becoming selfdestructive and I hadn't even noticed until it was too late. In the second situation I was simply being a friend and feelings for me were developed in that friend that I could not allow myself to requite. In both cases a long conversation or two came out of it in which I had to see someone that I care about in pain, and to suffer that pain myself.
The most frustrating part of this whole thing was that they each took it personally. Like there was something that they lacked that made it so that they weren't good enough for me to be able to overcome my own problems to love them. I tried to explain that it wasn't about them: that it was about me and my issues and problems that would make it unsafe and unhealthy for me to persue a relationship at this point in my life. I don't have the coping skills yet to be able to have a relationship without the manifestation of anxiety and self-destructive behaviour. This however is not for the lack of trying. I have been working my ass off on this but it just won't go away over night. This a long term sort of thing and no matter how wonderful the people in my life are, which they are that indeed, my anxieties and long term problems (which go way futher back than their pressence in my life) won't be overridden by their loving my or me loving them. Since my issues are very much related to love I cannot deal with them while in a loving relationship.
It's just very frustrating for me when I'm saying that I have problems that interferee with my ability to cope in relationships and it's being heard as something else. It's been heard lately as the other person not being special enough or attractive enough. Which to me is a great insult. Because the other persons onvolved are very much special and attractive. But my issues do not subside for a wonderful personality and a great set of cheeck bones. No matter how much I wish that they would.
I feel sad when I can't be in a relationship becasue I can't cope with it. I feel even sadder when people that I care about think that it's soemthing personal against them that I can't. I've never had to deal with this before, where I'm not ready for a relatinship, so that's even more frustrating. Aaaack! I want to be sane and "normal" (whatever that is) and be able to run headlong into a relationship and just say "Hey I might get hurt, or I might not. Just let'er ripp." But that's not what I have the problem with. It's not being able to eat or sleep right or to get my butt out of bed for class. Those are my issues, not whether someone is cute enough or interesting or loving enough. Becaseu they are and it just doesn't make a difference. My emotions and psychie have been damage from long term lack of caring in the past and nothing in the future will help unless I've had the time to fix the existing damage.
Well let's ask ourselves a questions and then I'll
end this rant:
Can the pressence of anyone else in our lives actually fix any of
our problems?
Have a good week. Oh, it might be a few days before my personal growth page is updated I have a few papers to write.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
This week I wanna talk about something that I'm sure you've already heard a lot about before. But so what I think it bares being covered again. The tradgic death of Matthew Shepard someone whom I have never met and saddly will never get to meet. (This rant is going to be a long by the way).
Matthew Shepard was a 21 year old university student at the University of Wyoming. Matthew
would have bee 22 on December 1. His obituary tells some of his
life:
 |
Obituary Matthew Wayne Shepard Memorial services for Matthew Wayne Shepard, 21, of Laramie and Casper, will be held at 1:30 p.m. Friday at St. Mark's Episcopal Church, 7th and Wolcott streets, Casper, with the Rev. Royce Brown officiating. St. Matthew's Episcopal Cathedral in Laramie will hold a memorial service for Shepard concurrently with the Rev. Chuck Dennison officiating the services in Laramie. Shepard died Oct. 12, 1998, at Poudre Valley Hospital in Fort Collins, Colo., of injuries sustained in an attack in Laramie. Born Dec. 1, 1976, in Casper, he was the oldest son of Judy Peck Shepard and Dennis Shepard. While living in Casper, he attended Crest Hill Grade School, Dean Morgan Junior High and completed his sophomore year at Natrona County High School. He was a member and an acolyte in St. Mark's Episcopal Church. He attended the last two years of high school at the American School in Switzerland (TASIS) in Lugano, Switzerland, where he graduated in 1995. While at TASIS, he traveled extensively throughout Europe. After graduation from high school, he attended Catawba College in Salisbury, N.C., and Casper College. He then moved to Denver, where he worked several jobs. He was attending the University of Wyoming, majoring in political science/foreign relations with a minor in languages at the time of his death. He enjoyed the theater and had parts in several Casper College and Stage III Theater plays. He was also quite active in politics and campaigned for several candidates. He was selected as the student representative for the Wyoming Environmental Council. He enjoyed soccer, swimming, running, camping, hunting, fishing and snow skiing, as well as dancing and theater. Shepard is survived by his parents of Casper and Dhahran, Saudi Arabia; one brother, Logan; his paternal grandparents, Harry and Ruth Shepard; and numerous aunts, uncles and cousins. The family ask that contributions to the Matthew W. Shepard Memorial Fund be sent to First National Bank, account no 1926083, P.O. Box 578, Fort Collins, Colo., 80522. |
Matthew's father, Mr. Dennis Shepard described him this way "Matthew was the type of person that if this had happened to another person would have been the first on the scene to offer his help, his hope, his heart to the family,"
The biggest thing that I think people should remember is that he was not merely a gay man but a good man. Not only has the gay community lost a wonderful, vibrant and active member but the world has lost him as well. He was more than his sexual orientation he was a special and caring human being. Something that those who killed him prbably didn't think about. That's probably why they could batter him. Because they didn't think of him as a man but as a gay man. So I think it important that we hold his memory in our hearts not simply as a gay man who was killed for being just that. But as a man who was killed because of one small part of who he was.
It saddens me whenever I think about his death. The violence, the hatred and the pain. "We should try to remember that because Matt's last few minutes of consciousness on Earth might have been hell, his family and friends want more than ever to say their farewells to him in a peaceful, dignified and loving manner..." (Mr. Dennis Shepard). To have endured being tied to a fence post and have his skull beaten in, later dying in hospital with family and friends there praying for him to pull through, is no way for anyone to die. So young and so vibrant was he that he brightened the lives of all those around him, when they gave him the chance.
I have wept so many times over this death taht I can no longer count my tears. I cry for him: his fear and his pain during the brutal beating that took his life. I cry for his friends and family: having lost such a wonderful person from their lives, and having to watch his beautiful light go out in front of them. I cry for the world: its loss of someone who could have worked for all our salvations from the violence in this world. I also cry for humanity because of the violence within it that keeps us from finding peace in this world. I cry for myself because, although I wish that anger and hatred did not exist within me, I cannot think of Matthew's death without finding rage in my sorrow. Which causes more tears to well up. I cry for myself because I wish that there was more that I could do than to "do my best" to spread knowledge and understanding, especially when it obviously isn't enough to have helped keep Matthew Shepard from being brutally beaten to death but people that didn't even know him. From many of the sites that I have read I learned that human rights were very much a near to his heart and I think that I honour his memory by maintaining my own pursuit of human rights for all. Even if I waiver in my faith in its effectiveness it is better to try than not to try at all.
Now I have spoken of humanity many times in the last paragraph. Something about humanity saddens me more still. That is that people are attacked, harassed, alienated, and abused every day for who they are or who someone else isn't, it takes something so tragic to hit the media for us to pay attention to them. The saddest thing about Matthew's death is that things like this happen every day and we pay no attention to them. People walk by as a mother slaps their child in the headd and they do nothing. People let their friends and family get away with using the word "fag" be used as an attack on eachother without even pointing out what it means or wondering why they us it to insult or degrade one another. The public service announcements on tv and radio are all at 3am so people don't even get to hear them even if they want to. Maybe if we let ourselves see these things and let it get to us so we do somethign about it then Matthew woudn't have died.
This world can be so depressing sometimes. I often have to keep reminding myself that hope is not all in vain because I have seen just as many peopel turn from hate to acceptance and sometimes even to comfort as I have heard of people getting hurt. So I guess it evens out...almost. We need to start being better than we have been because evetually we'll have to choose one or the other. Love and live or hate and perish.
God help us all if we don't get our act together soon...
Oh by the way I hope that you can try to keep the Shepards and their friends and family in your heart and mind in the next little while. If you pray, maybe you can keep them in your pryers. If you jsut happen to think about other who might be in a time of sorrow, then please keep them in your thoughts. I know I will do all of the above.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
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