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Back to Ryan's Rant of the Week
Well the last rant was just last week, so it may seem to be somewhat of a shock to you all that I am writing another one, but I have been inspired. Don't worry last week's rant is already in the archive for you to read and ponder. I want to write another anyway.
I've been thinking about what Valentine's Day is going to be like without a boyfriend. I have only ever had a boyfriend for Valentine's Day for one year of my life, and this is not it. That one was okay despite the ex-boyf that I had it with wasn't the most compatible. So once again I am single for Valentine's day.
Despite this being my choice, as I am that one who decided that it wasn't working out, since it wasn't. A painful decision to make and one that is taking a lot of energy to adjust to. In that spirit I am thinking that Valentine's day is going to be rather disheartening since I am a little lonely and somewhat sad about the breakup even though I am trying to get on with my life.
Sure a date would be nice, especially with everyone else, aside from a few of my friends, thinking that Valentine's day is an importnat and romantic event to be festive and joyous on. (Although that will more than likely be this weekend since my birthday is on Sunday).
But you know what, fuck it, just because I'm single on Valentine's day doesn't mean that I have to be sad. Although I don't necessarily have to be alone on Valentine's Day do I? I mean I can hang out with friends... or there are some people whom I consider interesting and cute and could ask one of them...or all od them, to do something that day. teehee Or I could just think of it as just another day and skoul at anyone who tries to wish me a happy valentine's day...
Yeah I could see that. Someone wishing me a happy Valentine's Day and me growling at them... "Get away from me..." Right. I'm more likely just to think them. Unless they're cute then they should stay away cause I might get caught up in the spirit of the day and leap on them.
But you know I think I have decided that I'm just gonna have fun with Valentine's Day and not bother worrying about if I'm single or if I am going to have a date that day. I'm kinda broke anyway so the most romantic thing I could offer is a walk under the stars, and a good hug... or a nice walk and a good lay. Teehee Althogh that could be good.
Anyway, happy valentine's day all. :)
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Feb 6th, 2002
Yeah!! I'm back people. I am very sorry that I have not updated my rant in months, I was having quite a time of it for a while. The whole thing was all very complicated and too much for me to resonsibaly handle my site and life at the same time.
So I recently broke up with my boyfriend, no that's not exactly what this rant is about, but it would seem that is it for the dating of Jody right now, you never know how the future will go, but for now it just didn't work to our mutual satisfaction.
So yeah that isn't a way for me to start in on, "Yippee! I'm free and single in Montreal!," it's actually my way to start talking about what millions of people have asked about since the beginning of philisophical thought. "What am I doing here?" I mean I am now half way across a continent from where I started and I was here to be closer to my boyfriend. So what am I here for? The bigger question is usually "what am I here on Earth for?" Which applies to this too. "What else?" is my answer.
Sure I'm in a different province, surrounded by people who speak French, just had to break up with my boyfriend, and I don't know a lot of people here. GREAT! I love meeting new people. Dating isn't all there is to life. And I speak French as well as English. In fact there was a time when I would say that my French was better than my English. Perhaps I should practice some more... I love the language. The men aren't bad either.... but I digress. Oh and I love Montreal. It's amazingly beautiful, and full of cultural gems like museums, murals all over the place, music festivals, theatre, symphony, and much more.
The point is, why not enjoy myself. I'm already here right? I miss my relationship with Jody and I am sad about the loss, I really hope that he and I can stay friends, but I am not going to just sit around and mope about being "oh so very alone" in mellowdramatic tones, although it would be entertaining for a little while. But aside from that I now live in the greatest city in the greatest country in the world. Why not enjoy it. Make new friends, meet different kinds of people, experience different things, and enjoy it.
This morning I was on the metro, aka subway, and we stopped at one of the stations between my place and work, and I smelled something that made the less observant riders nervous. Wood burning. It was the smell of cherry wood bruning... which is what the breaks on the metro are made of. The smell is great, the break pads don't burn like flamewise but the friction of the wood against the wheel drum causes heat while the metro slows and thus the wood burns just a little. It smeels wonderful when you catch the little whiff that comes up once in a while. I tookk the moment to appreciate the smell and found myself smiling. Other riders who looked confused got smiles and relaxed looks on their faces when I said "The break pads" and smiled. There are two other things I like about the metro, it's fast and on time all the time, and the buskers. There are people who play music, asking for spare change, some aren't that good, but it's funny, and others are talented musicians who know what they are doing and should really be playing somewhere better. But they bring their violins and chellows and fill the metro with the echoes of their huantingly beautiful music. It's amazing who cool just taking a subteranian train can be.
Then there are the other cool things about this town. There are tonnes of jobs so you can always find work, and you can always quit if you don't like where you are. Most of the work is grunt work but the people are usually really nice to work for and with. A lot of it is call centres when you know English. Luckily some of us know French although I tend to speak more fluently when I am drunk, but I could work in a store even if I needed to. Although call centres pay better, they're more stressful though cause they are kinda boring and very commercially based.
The clubs are numerous and varied, the village offers many choices of busy hopping clubs, leather bars...as far as I am told..., sex rooms, hiphop music, lounges, restaurants, and other stuff. Oh yeah and there are bath houses. The waiters at Kilo, a restaurant in the Village are really cute. Although so are some of the bartenders at Sky Club are pretty cute, especially Martin(said with a French accent), although Martin(once again with a French accent) is cute too. Although the boys at the local drug store are cute as well…at least one is for sure. But that’s only cool cause they are fun to be friends with as well as look at.
Then there are the museums, of which I have only gotten to one out of the ten I’ve heard about. I am very much looking forward to checking those out sometime. Anytime anyone wants to go to a museum let me know. I’d love to go. Just drop me an email, although I will probably only go with you if I have met you before. One never knows when they are talking to a psycho online… although psychos make and interesting study.
Then there is the fact that you can get real poutine here (pronounced p-tEEN in case anyone here wants to be able to say it without francophones giggling at you…. although that can fun sometimes) with real cheese curd as opposed to the melted cheese that they use everywhere else. For anyone who doesn’t know what poutine is, it’s fries covered in cheese curd and then slathered in gravy.
I like the parks in the summer time, although there’s one that I doubt I’ll be frequenting right near the Village where I used to live, the park sign has been spray painted “Crack et Pute Parc” which roughly means Crack-Whore Park (I hope that I spelled that all correctly). But there are lots of nice parks, most of which are currently covered in snow and ice, although if I had my darn hockey skates here I’d be all over going skating, that would be so fun.
Speaking of ice, it may be cold enough here for there to be ice and snow but it is in no way as cold as it gets in Saskatchewan. Here it went down to minus 10 and people were complaining. It was a lot colder than that yesterday, but it has nothing on Saskatoon for cold. And even if it did, at least when you are down town, you don’t have to go outside that much because of this huge underground construction referred to as the Underground City, I think it’s about 20 city blocks of shopping and entertainment, restaurants and shopping and the like. It’s really cool. Although I keep getting lost, see it’s attached to most of the buildings downtown and since I currently work downtown I go down there at lunch to get something to eat. Then I get lost on the way back. But I find something new about Montreal everytime. See I don’t really see it as getting lost but rather as having a mini-adventure.
I have also met some really awesome people, only a few but they are genuinely nice and good friends. My friend Shawn is the chart topper in bunch. He’s really cool, and I am his new room mate. He’s lots of fun and we really get along. I have also gotten into hanging out with a couple from Alberta Chris and Clint. Nice guys who are so cute together. Clint and I get along really well of the two of them, I’m thinking he can be my sidekick. I mean everyone needs a side kick. I have a few more people whom I have recently met whom I am looking forward to getting to know. I am sure that they will be great friends and what not.
Yeah so the city is awesome, making friends is good, work is well…. work, and the culture, partying and entertainment scene is amazing. You should all be so lucky as to move thousands of kilometres to break up with the man you love and end up living in the greatest city in world… it’s a lot of fun. After you pay off your visa bill and get over the initial heartbreak and pain.
I suppose that the purpose of this rant is to say that you should enjoy life no matter what happens, cause hey you're already there after all.
Hope you all have a great week.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
October 15th, 2001
Okay so it's been a while but I've been kinda busy.
So I've recently moved to Ottawa, yes our nation's capital. The cradle of Canada's political contribution to the world. Where human rights issues are settled for millions of people. The city that houses our main social and cultural instituations. Where Joe Clarke works...
Okay someone get me the hell out of here.
No, I haven't really given this town a chance and I'm not really going to get one if I have anything to say about it. Thus far I have discovered that it is the cloudiest place in Canada, has the worst bus service, the strangest bars, no gay community centre or gay info line or gay community outside of the bars, (although I'm told that the city just now, in the year 2001, has started a committee to discuss the viability of starting a gay community centre), and has very few banks and no interac to be seen for the most part. Not to mention that if you wear a back pack around town RCMP officers start looking at you funny. Oh and the occupancy rate in this town is 99.8% making it nearly impossible for anyone with fewer resources than me to fine a place in a reasonable amount of time. I've been sleeping at a friends' place for a month.
Sure I may be from a city with one third the population and yet covers the same amount of space, but come on. Saskatoon's busses run all the time, like until 1am. Ottawa's run until about 11:30 at night. In Saskatoon even the pizza delivery drivers carry portable interac machines so that you can pay for your pizza without having to get cash. Here in Ottawa, a city of 1.2 million people, you're hardpressed to find a donut shop that has interact let alone a portable machine. Saskatoon gets the most amount of daylight, direct sunlight that is, out of anywhere in the world. Ottawa seems to have a constant overcast of clouds with occassional sunny periods throughout the day. No wonder the east is so big on getting whast it wants and forgetting about the prairie. It's not the population difference or the level of political and industrial capacity that the east of Canada has. It's that the east is so darned bitter that everything in the prairie is all sunny and happy.
Personally I just think it's Ottawa, cause Montreal, while occassionally cloudy, still has had nice sunny days with narry a cloud in the sky. Ottawa seems to need at least one cloudy period during the day. Toronto, while somewhat muggy, and I'm not talking about all of those guys asking for your wallet, it still has entire days of sunshine. But at least Ottawa keeps the politicians on the hill and away from the rest of Canada. Not that they could ever find their way out of town on the bus system, as it takes a good two hours to get from one corner of town to the bus station, where everyone seems to be in line for Montreal. Hmmm you think that they know something? I certainly do.
Ottawa is boring, it closes at 10pm and opens at 7am for some God aweful reason. Sure it's convenient for those of us who work at 8am to be able to get some cashback from the convenience store nearest to work but that's only because there isn't another interac machine or atm for 5 miless.
Okay so I have only been here a month and I don't know anyone, and my boyfriend is in Montreal so there hasn't been a free moment that I've had that I wasn't either on a bus to Montreal or in Montreal since I moved here, so maybe I'm not giving it a fair chance. So maybe I will. I have very little cash till I get paid next and even then I have a lot of things I need to do with what I make. But I am going to spend some time out in this town during the next little while. It can't hurt to make a few friends here. I like friends. I ilke the friends I've made elsewhere, why not friends in Ottawa.
Okay, I know, your experiences are what you make of them. On the bright side I do have a pretty good job, with lots of benefits after 3 months are up and a really positive outlook on diversity... in fact the hitory of Stonewall is up on the wall where I work. I do have a good old friend who moved here a month before I did whom I've been living with during my transition to the hardest place in the world to find a place to live. And even though I have someone to stay with, someone to hang with, and a pretty good job I'm not satisfied with it. That may be cause I can never get a good night's sleep here, I've had good nights' sleep in Montreal, because I feel bad using other peoples' kitchens and so I can't ever cook very much, and I have to get on the one bus between where I am staying and where I work an hour before I have to be there because it take 45 minutes to get the 15 blocks down the one road that we need to go down becaue there's only two buses an hour and the 5000+ people who work along that road need to get on and off of the over rowded bus so much that we not only stop at every stop but it takes a couple of minutes to load and unload at each stop. A process that isn't helped by the requirement of displaying tranbsit system photo ID with your bus pass and having the rivers check every freekin' time that your picture is upright. *Sidenote; the drivers never really check that the number on the pass has been written down to match the number on the ID even thoguh they require that it be done. People could still share passes, it's just one more stpid way to charge people for ervices...oh yeah, the id is purchased from the transit officials. Apparently government photo ID isn't enough.
Okay so I hate the bus system. I hate having to take the bus in the first place but having to take it for so long. That's rediculous. TO and Mntl have buses every fifteen minutes or so and at least they have some lines that run 24hrs a day. But no, not here in Ottawa, if you are out late and you can't cab it you're walking. I guess that keeps people in their place. Okay I need a car. It literally takes five minutes to get anywhere in a car in this town. The roads are awesome. If you have a car there's basically one street to anywhere you wanna go and very few traffic lights. Just hop on the road and go. I suppose that this would be easier with my inline skates. I could skate everywhere... although the rain would make that difficult.
The National Gallery is nice. I know where that is. Now I just have to find some friends who appreciate art and want to go with. I'd join the youth and young adult gay groups but the gay line where you find out where and when they meet aren't working, and haven't been working for over a month because thier building is being renvated... I don't believe their machine when it says that. I think it's just a cover for "we have no gay groups in this town but it has to look like we do." Parliament is nice too. I think when I have more than one day off a week I will take a tour. I really won't know what to do with myself with a day off in this town, I guess I'll have to learn. Hmmm well there are some online resources with info about the community somewhere and I have a list of the places in town that are gay owned and opperated. That's what I'll do, I'll try out one new gay store or restaurant a week and see if I can't have some fun in this town. This week my friend Jason and me are going out to the bar with my soon-to-be-room-mate and some of his friends.
Oh okay, I'm sure Ottawa will be fine, if I don't find anywhere else to live in the next little while. I'm just bored cause I just moved here and I don't know anyone or anywhere interesting or have very much cash right. Yeah. It'll be good.... eventually. :)
I'm still moving to Montreal as soon as I can though. :-P
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Okay so it has indeed been another month and a half since my last rant, I'm not forgetting about you, I'm just running out of fresh opinions... okay so my opinions are always fresh, or are they always stale? Hmmmmm.... :) Kidding.
So, I hope that your summer's been at least as intersting as mine thus far. I've had ups and downs, discoveries, the stretching of boundries and the reinforcement of opinions, as well as a lot of fun while learning more about other places and people.
I really don't have anything specific that I want to rant about but I have found that I get ideas while I am typing these so here goes. Oh, hey I have one, I think.
Okay sometimes I like to pride myself on my intelligence. I think of myself as rather well informed on the things that I think I know about and I like to share this knowledge with others, some find it somewhat imposing. Others find it condecending, or even find that they believe I am poorly informed. The latter is my favorite, because they usually try to let me know what they think I am misinformed about. Which is great, unless I think that they are mistaken, then I start to argue, for the most part. Sometimes I will realise that I don't know everything and that they don't know everything and suggest that we look it up or hold off on a discussion until we can consult a higher authority.
Now that is some of the time, I do, more often than not, just think that I have retained knowledge from a reliable source and just kepe to my belief on a particular subject. This is sometimes problematic for my relationships with the people I am talking to, or embarrassing for when I run into an even higher authority than my original source and I realise that I have held to a poor belief. This is usually rare of course... because I am always right. teehee. Just kidding.
But I have of late been thinking about those whom I have encountered throughout my life, who always believe that they are correct. Even when they come up against information gathered by experts who have researched a subject or even one single fact their entire lives. I find this frustrating to say the least. I have been known to think I am right to a fault but I have met others who would argue that they sky is green even after being confronted with a sky as blue as blue can be. And these were not people who were colour blind or suffering from a cognitive disorder, just plane stuburn as far as I can tell.
Of course maybe they were blind in a way that is not physical, perhaps something that I have to say I am from time to time. But I do at least try to be open to the possibility that I am mistaken, because I know that I am not all knowing and that neither are they. This is even more frustrating for them because I will, almost without failing, remind us both that we may both be mistaken or misinformed.
Now I can relate to them, because I do stick to my guns for the most part (note: no actual fire-arms were actually involved), insisting that I believe my sources to be of higher reliability should I feel that is the case. But I to still try to remember that I don't know everything, but I will not accept the sole experience of one person to convince me that something is so. I try to rely on repeated research or the report of many people before I can be swayed in my belief. If all else fails and I find that my arguement has great resistance from many sources I will re-evaluate my stance. This, I believe, is a strength that I have. I will be open to new information from what I consider to be a reliable source.
Lets take a concrete example. If I hear that a movie sucked from one person I will ask others who have seen it what they thought of the movie. I will set this against what I know of their taste in movies and what they have said about other movies that I have seen. I tend to just end up watching the movie myself anyway and deciding for myself. I had been told that they movie Mulin Rouge sucked. Now my own expectations were in contradiction, so I may have been bias, but I decided to see the movie for myself. I found that I liked this movie, as did the several hundred people who I heard crying before the end... that is unless they were all crying because they were upset about the ticket price. ...it was a sappy movie by the way, really good too. Of course they could have all expected the movie to be good before they went in, so they may have been biased too, but the movie was made for people who like sappy movies so people might want to say, not that it sucked but, that it sucked from their perspective as someone who doesn't like sappy movies.
Now this doesn't stop at movies either, I have found that most people, myself included, will argue from their own perspective trying to have the facts match what they want to believe. This makes sense on a large variety of subjects, but there are still the facts that will get in the way of a completely biased opinion. Going back to the movie, but applicable to all things, there are certain factors in all things that determine how they should be reported. A movie can suck if it was badly shot, poorly cast, contextually inconsistent, badly written, or failed to illicit the desired response from the target audience. You wouldn't expect someone who hates sappy movies to like a sappy movie so if it didn't get them all emotional then it really has no baring on the quality of the film. If people who like sappy movies were unmoved by the film, then you have a problem.
Now I rarely get into arguements with people about movies, sometimes, but it isn't the most common thing that I argue about. Something I do argue with people on, usually... but not exclusively, is drug use. This is something that I have always seen the stubburn side come out on for almost everyone involved. Arguements are usually presented with limit facts or research and usually tend to stay on the question of ethics or law than actual facts. People will argue that drugs have never hurt them, or that the ones who usually get hurt by drug use are the chronic users and that they are not numbered in that group so it isn't a problem. The other side will recount legal issues or the limited examples of individuals who have been killed or had their lives and the lives of those around them destroyed through drug use. I will usually be the latter, but I also include the research that I am aware of on how specific drugs affect people in general and the dangers inherent in individual drugs. These are facts so far as we know them, what I do with that is back up my arguements not with my own sigular experience but with the experience of thousands of people as well as the chemical facts of how they effect everyone whether it be on a small scale or a large scale for each. This does not mean that I am right or that I know everything but that my arguement is back by greater reliability because I am using information gathered on a larger scale and is, as much as I can make it, more up to date.
An example is that someone may say that they have never had any problems from using extacy, so they don't believe that it is dangerous. I will have to take into account that they have used this substance a handful of times and that they are only one in a larger group who have experienced varies results from the use of this substance. I respond, with my understanding of the effects of the drug based on the research and experiences that I have read up on from a century of the medical and psychological research into this drug. I point out that the side-effects (even apart from the effects during use), which can be fatal in one use due to the chemical components of this drug, can be mild on some users and will build up over time. I have read some research, but not as much as most doctors and psychologists that I know, and so I am aware of certain side effects that are not obvious to the user right away. In fact some of the side-effects of this drug could be attributed to any number of other causes and so can be easily ignored in relation to it by users. But I know that there are very great risks to users and so I will argue them until I have been given enough evidence by researhers not to.
Some may ask why it is that I will believe a neuropsychologist on the effects of a drug over that of a single drug user. My answer is that that neuropsychologist has not only interviewed hundreds of other drug users, but they also know even more about the way that they brain works that I do, so I trust them over someone who may not have even taken a basic psychology class in university. This may be considered intellectual elitism, and is could very well be just that, but I have seen neuropsychologists at work, I have spoken to them and I have taken courses in neuropsychology. I have seen that there are very strict and reliable research techniques employed in the gathering of information and the analysis of that data. I also, for the most part, believe that the psychologists involved where more than likely not under the influence of a drug when they took down their results, for the most part. Making them more reliably accurate in their findings. I also know that there have been others who have found similar results in other places with other studies. Meanwhile talking to one extacy user once does not hold up against a whole bunch of people talking to thousands of others.
This means that I have more information and my opinion is probably closer to the facts because it is not just my experience and knowledge but the experience and knowledge of many others, many of whom know more than I do, and know more than most people on the planet about the effects that most anything can have on the brain and the body. But I also know that none of them are any more perfect than I am, they just more experience and knowledge that I can learn from. So I can accept that they may be mistaken. However they are less likely to be mistaken than one person without their training giving a self report on a limit amount of experience when they have gained self reports from hundreds of users and performed exmainations of the brains of several dead extacy users and found that they did indeed suffer from side effects on one level or another varying from a decrease in certain neurotransmitters, which can cause cognitive and behavioural problems, to brain damage, which can cause the same problmes as well as other incuding death.
But before you E users get all defensive, I wasn't meaning to start in on extacy, even though it is highly dangerous, as well as likely to start out its effects by making you puke for an hour or more, I was trying to point out that there are many ways to be stubburn about being right, but that there are really annoying ways to do it. I may have just done that for many of you... although I wasn't very detailed with my arguement, and I didn't directly quote any studies... I may have even mispelled half of it. But I think it would be very difficult to convince me I am mistaken. I did mention that I realise that research can be flawed and that I would be open to a convincing arguement based on future studies if any could be found. Just that I will rely on what I know now, because I believe it to be based on fact and on numberous sources of information. I have not assumed anything about the facts because I was unaware of any of them until I was told by a PhD in clinical psychology that extacy is very dangerous, who had recently been presented with research that is only a few months old now and started to read up on the reserach myself. Even the older research has found that there are side-effects on neurology that could contribute to long-term mild or severe depression and increase your chances of alzheimer's. Oh and death, don't forget about that one, everyone always forgets about the death part of it... one dose people, even if it's your hundredth. Dead, you, it could happen.
I am still willing to argue about the right for someone to make their own choices and that there are some drugs that are helpful for medicinal use, but those are different drugs that have different effects on peoples' brains. Which is another thing, not all arguements are about the same thing. Some people will say that if you don't think that one drug should be used that you cannot argue for the use of another, meanwhile they will be showing their complete ignorance of what each drug does. A rather intelligent, and beautiful I might add, person recently said that they will not argue about something that they know nothing about. While I tend to take another position on that and argue about anything and everything, finding that I learn a lot more that way myself, I can relate. It really bothers me when I here someone presenting something as fact that I know to be completely mistaken or out of date. I don't often blame them, although I have been known to say that "I hate stupid people" but that's a joke really. While annoyed I actually like the opportunity to tell them what I think to be true in opposition to their arguement becuase I will, hopefully, be letting them know the facts or at least presenting something that is in contrast to their arguement enough for them to look to a higher authority than us both in order to elieviate us both of our ignorance.
It's the people who never double check who really bother me. Although I am sure that people think that I am one of them. I have often and almost regularly, check what I have found in contrast with someone who has presented a convincing defense, or even an almost convincing opposition to my own arguements, but I have often found that my stance was supported with research or known facts and so I haven't changed my opinions. I will sometimes include my newer knowledge in future arguements, because people always raise a topic more than once. And so I rpesent my fortified stance and tend to either convinve them that I am more correct, piss them right off, or have them ending the converstaion because they don't want to talk about it anymore.
So am I doing the same thing that bothers me in others. See I don't think so, I think that I am doing more than others do. I check my facts and look for more information, even looking for stuff that will be in contrast to my arguements just so that I can have a better rounded understanding of the situation and possibly have to change my stance completely if I find more compelling information for another arguement. It just doesn't happen because I try to pay attention to information from people who should know about it. If I wanted an opinion on a car a would ask a mechanic or a car manufacturer or both, if I want to know about health issues I ask a doctor or a researcher and possibly look into medical journals if they aren't above my head. If I want to know about sports and recreation I ask a sports expert and read up on leisure and rec info and ask people who are in the feild. I don't just say that I have had a cold before so someone who feels sick should do the same thing that I have, I suggest that they see a doctor and so forth.
Then there are people who never ask anyone else about anything and check their information with obviously informal sources and think that they have a universal fact. Those are somewhat understandable because many people think of the world as their immediate experience and so can understandably think that what they have run into is all that there is. What I find the most frustrating are the people who only look at half of the facts and think that that's it, or misinturpret facts so that they agree with what they want them to say. It bothers me the most when it is people who have a greater amount of education and yet refuse to check with more reliable sources when they know how. It's almost insulting becuase they could find more formal sources of information, because they have direct access to it, but they just choose not to.
But I'm ranting now, anyway I will try to have a more coherent subject for my next rant. Have a good one until then. :)
Oh, hey if you have a rant subject to suggest or have a rant that you would like to have put on here, feel free to email it to me. Please be sure to include your name and a working email address of your's as both will need to be included in your rant if I publish it. All submitted rants are subject to my approval, but I will rarely refuse a topic even if it is in contradiction to an opinion of my own, unless it would be illegal to publish or could be a serious threat to public safety... you know, since the safety of the whole planet revolves around my website and all, teehee.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Alright, alright I'm sorry that I missed last month completely, I'm sure that you are used to it by now but yeah that does kinda suck of me doesn't it? Well what's a good thing to talk about this time? Oh I know.
So have you ever had the chance to go somewhere that you have never been and to take a chance that you have never taken and passed it up? Did you regret it? Maybe it would have been just too much of a risk, which makes sense. But then what about the chances that were just a bit of a risk, where if you fell on your face you'd prolly have someone to pick you back up and again afterward but you decided not to go for it anyway? Well cut it out, you only live once.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying for you to steal when you get the chance or to cheat on your boyfriend if you think you can get away with it. If you are looking for those kinds of opportunities then get some help and set your boyfriend free cause honey you don't deserve a boyfriend. Anyway, what was I talking about oh yeah, taking chances. Well let's put it this way, you know someone abroad and you have a chance to go out and visit them for an extended period, but this means completely packing up and moving across the country with a fair certainty that you will have a job and a place to stay. What do you do?
Well you could stay at home with the secure life that you have and not disrupt your course. You could throw caution completely to the wind and just go without a moment's thought. Or you could do some planning get some resumes out there and see what things look like and then you could go if they seem promising.
I just did the last one there and I have to say it's quite the adventure. I am in another province, where I have never been, meeting lots of new people, seeing new sites, and having lots of fun. Sure it's not home, but that's what Saskatoon will always be, my home, but it's about experience right? Why not see the world when you have the chance.
I am thinking about maybe going even further away at the end of summer and teaching English in Korea. that would be a huge change but it would also be a lot of experience and it would give me some cash too. (They don't pay too poorly for people teaching English). Although I am also thinking that I might want to pace myself, by the end of summer I may want to go home, cause I do miss my friends and family there, or I may fall deperately in love with some handsome man and want to move to where ever he is...
Anyway since that rant doesn't really make a tonne of sense, I can explain, I thought about moving for a day or so, looked into it for a week and then I moved. I am in Nova Scotia in a lovely town called Liverpool, really nice, if you've never seen fire flies, rocks that jut out of the ground, giant ants, and ocean vistas then I think you should check out Nova Scotia, the White Point Beach Resort has a really gorgeous view by the way.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
So it's been a little longer than a week but it hasn't been a month and a half. teehee
So has anyone out there ever embarked on a journey of exploration and wonder? New experiences waitng at every turn, have you ever launched yourself into an adventure that you are unsure of what is going to happen? I would say that you probably have, I mean you got up this morning didn't you?
Sure there are many people who know exactly what's going to happen with their day and don't need to wonder at anything. I've had those days. I get up, I stay home, I rest and relax and no surpirses come my way. So I know exactly what's going to happen and when. Now sometimes other people get involved in this scenario and BAM my easily predictable day is no longer predictable.
And thank God for that. I enjoy unpredictablility sometimes. Sure it's nice to be in a stable environment once in a while but heck life isn't designed to be predicitable all of the time. Even well charted events act in random fashions.... and no I don't care if physics thinks it has everything predicted like that. Plus I am talking about the human factor.
We humans have a choice. You wake in the morning....or afternoon depending on the night you had, and you look outside and say to yourself "Ah what a great day of predictable events and boring routine," or "Alright! Another day of adventure and exploration where even things that I have been through many times can change," possible "A great new day with great new opportunities to explore things I've never done before!" Sometimes it's how we see the world that is the human factor. The way that we approach our day and our life is the difference between sitting with friends thinking yourself a shy and lonely person staring at the gorgeous first year at Earl's and getting up walking over and talking to the little stud about the Planet of the Apes shirt he has on and telling him that he's really cute. One way you're taking a chance and shaking things up a bit the other you're just shaking your straw in your drink.
On the other hand the human factor can be the way that we allow others to effec our lives. If you let someone push you around well their life is going to be rather important to what you are doing. Your adventure can be predicted by asking them their plans for the day. Or what usually happens, people just show up and add an unexpected and usually quite welcome twist in your day. That's great isn't it? Of course there are the interruptions that you don't want; like when someone calls while you're having sex, or people who try to be a disruption. These things are easily religated to the way that you let others affect you. For example, if someone tries to bother you it is up to you if they succeed. You can always ignore them, sometimes you don't need to ignore them cause you don't notice them. But their lives are affected by that I am quite sure cause I have seen people be rather annoyed when they were ignored by others whom they were trying to irritate. It's kinda funnny. But as I said, even they have the option to not let it bother them and just go on with their lives.
I, for example, have decided to look for good jobs. Something that is not always easy to find in the first place, but is really difficult if you don't have the right attitude. Job searches can be very draining cause there are many people looking for jobs and you're not always the most experienced or convincing or you are but someone knows someone whom you don't and BAM you're still looking for a job. Well it's an adventure, it's a challenge and if you get a job some might keep looking just for the experience. I, for example have talked to some really interesting people. It's been lots of fun and I look forward to the experiences that I will have on the job search as well as in my daily non-working life.
Social life is where a lot of people get the majority of their adventure, unforunately we don't all get jobs where we can shake up the routine all that often. It should be fun but jobs aren't always that great. But when you're away from work and there isn't a dull schedule that dictates your every move, then you can let loose and expect the unexpected. Live a little from time to time, and remember that adventure doesn't have to be too dangerous. If you go rock climbing you may still want to use a rope. At the very least don't climb in a blizzard. But have fun and try something new from time to time, even if that is going out on a Saturday night or not answering the phone when you are just leaving to go in-line skating.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Well it has been quite a while since I updated this page and I am sorry for that. I am also inspired to talk about a great many things so I will talk about Easter. Easter is the Christian celebration of the event that is the basis of our faith, the resurrection of Jesus Christ. This is celebrated because while he gave his life to save the souls of ALL people, including fags and dykes and bisexuals and any variant, (thank you to the writer of the Ted Character on QAF by the way for that very true and loving statement) and that in doing so he proved in his return that he is the light. Although as he said "I am the light. You are the light." But theology is not exclusively reflected at this time of year, it is also a time for the recognitiion of the revitalisation of nature. The renewal of life in our hemisphere, when new bunnies hop around and little chicks are hatched to chirp their little ways into our hearts, before they turn from young, and fuzzy, and cute to old, and feathered, and ugly. Then we eat them. Although that's for another rant. This year's Easter rant is about using renewal for change. Here is a time to renew your life.
Let's give examples, well it's spring as well as Easter so many people are renewing their physical care regimen for the year, something that will help to revitalise your life and your body. An excellent idea. You may want also to consider taking your physical needs during the winter more seriously with an indoor recreational activity that you start now so that you can include it in your regular schedule for the winter. Keeps you fit all year.
If there is anything about your personality that you think is lacking or just doesn;t work for you, well now might be the time to change that. Renew yourself with allowing yourself to see the world differently. Yes, choosing to talk to someone who hurts you is something you can control...don't talk to them. No it is not mean to tell someone when they are being or holding them accountable for their actions. In fact you might be giving them the only nice act anyone has done for them, cause now someone is at least telling them that there are consequences to their actions. No they won't like that but it's better for you to be away from them too. If you are the mean person, allow yourself to take responsibility for your own actions. It's better for you in the long run. Leave the person you should be sorry to alone otherwise it is a sign that you aren't sorry and have no idea why you should be nor have any intentions to be sorry. Instead focus on realising that if you feel badly about how things have happened that you have had a hand in it and that while you had enablers you were the one doing the mean things. Face it accept that you did it and then choose to do things differently. Some of you may decide that you are too busy all the time, giving and giving but not taking a lot of time for yourself. Possibly you take no time for yourself. Try maknig a regular day of the week, or month, where you affirm your own worth to yourself and make it a you day. Take a walk, not a power walk, something leisurely, read a book by your favorite author, eat some ice cream.... mmmmm ice cream
Realise that the new you will not necessarily fit with things from your past. Growth, like loss, is a truamatic event. We lose part of ourselves to replace it with a new part. It may be stressing, so be patient and allow yourself to see the change as good. So long as it is good. Let go of the self destructive, abusive, over working or lazy part of you. Embrase change that is for the better. If you are someone who gets themselves into a lot of trouble being able to make changes and let go of your past will help you to stay on track, becasue once you've dealt with the problems you can not dwelling on things, other than to remind you of why you made changes and may still need to work on things, could possibly slow you down.
I have mentioned that you shold try to make your changes good ones. If you aren't sure if the change is a good one maybe consult someone whom you beleive to be good at moral thinking. Or someone who cares about you and has the ability to present it in a way that is not too confrontational. Sometimes we need to be confronted. Remember if someone is mad at you there are a few reasons why this may be so: 1)You've done something that is reasonably upsetting and you should be sorry. 2)You have done something that is upsetting to a point and they are over reacting. 3)You've done nothing and they are in a bad mood. These are only three of many things that could contribute to their reaction. Often it is the second... unless I am upset with you. I have a tendency to be overly torelerant of cruelty let alone simple jerkdom, something that is no longer true... but if I have ever been mad at you then you are seriously in need of some moral and ethical guidance and may need to consult your local University's Philosophy department before making any choices that involve interacting with people... at all. I wish I were kidding.
Now change is good but some people don't need too much. If somethign works for you and it is undamaging to you and those around you, I mean physical, spiritual and emotional damage in this. No one has ever been able to address human needs and consideration while excluding these factors, even though many wish that they could, it would really easy then. But if you're okay and those around you are okay then maybe things are fine. And remember some people from your past may be good to remain in your past, as a reminder of where you've been, and an understanding that not everyone needs to change with you sometimes we change in different directions and that's fine. There are 6 billion people in the world and they may want to look elsewhere for their company based on past experiences, and since it is true that while people change a bit over time we never change as quickly as we would like. So it is reasonable for people to think that you have not changed significantly even after several years, unless you have been committed to confronting and learning and developing from your existing issues in some sort of therapeutic environment, like with the help of a psychological or spiritual or medical advisor. Cause if they didn't want anything to do with you when they were around you, and so stopped their association... possibly even having told you that they wanted to stop, there would be no reason for them to think that they should want to get reasquanted. And if any of you out there think that repeatedly trying to talk to them will help, it won't. More than likely it will be considered as a sign that you don't think that you have any reason to be sorry otherwise you would understand that they don't want to talk to you. So trying to talk to them is simply your way of making sure they know that you aren't sorry. It's rough but it's true. Let go and move on with your life, although guilt is a strong motivator for change so if you do feel a loss it may be good, cause you apparently suck enough to have people not want to talk to you cause you're mean. And for those of you who have gotten people who hurt you out of your lives... GOOD FOR YOU! You need to take care of yourself or you can't take care of anyone. And you may be the first person to ever hold that individual responsible for their actions. The favour you're done us all is emense, if only everyone had your courage.
Anyway, there's my rant. Change is good, change for the better is even better. Leave the past in the past unless it is to make the present right inside you. And remember, your thoughts and actions are the only things you have control over to any major degree. Make your changes in and for better yourself and your life and your world. Leave others out of it. Making someone else change their mind by trying to convince them you've changed is not the way to change. Happy Easter and may this time of renewal bring you love, joy, and a happy new chapter to your life.
God loves us all, and saves us all, I beleive, as long as we are willing to accept her love. I don't think that this requires you to go to church, or to send those crackpot televangelists money, but to respect and love yourself and others, and to appreciate what we have been given. A chance to make life new every day, and to celebrate it in our hearts every minute. Whether we choose to do that is up to us. I'm gonna work on that I think.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
I am really sorry that this is becoming a monthly thing. And there are always so many things that I want to rant about...I must be getting critical. Teehee
I was recently watching television, a Canadian station, yes we have many... Anyway I was horrified to see the image of past, and passed, Prime Minister Laurier shoveling a sidewalk. It was in the form of a paper dool, since he is on the ten dollar bill it made some sense. He was even purlpe like the colour of ink used for that particular bill.
The add was for one of the banks in Canada and was tell the viewer to make their money work harder for them (hence Laurier shoveling snow) and to do so by investing with that institution's investment department. This add sickens me. For one thing the idea of making a mockery of our national currency is one thing but the visage of a dead person who has served his country in the highest position in government as a way to push your wears is just disgusting. If I should eve shuffle off this mortal coil, God forbid, and some company wants to use my face to sell their products or services I would like someone to slap them silly. Now a non-profit that actually does good in the world like Amnesty International or Green Peace or something like that could use my name and face if they wanted to (note: in my opinion none of the local Saskatoon gay organisation that are not affiliated directly with the U. of S. could use my name or face either). That's no problem.
I may be overly sensitive about issues of patriatism and Queen and country and the like but I also think that a Canadian bank should have more respect for our former Prime Ministers. I mean for goodness sake this is a man who served his country as best as he could as our leader and now a computer animated paper cut out of him is being used to sell investment banking. I mean sure being on our currency, one symble of a capitalist nation thus being a great honour, is one thing but having that used as a method to sell people stuff by having that image shuvle a walkway in a laughable way to gain attention and give someone a chuckle so that they will want to invest with that bank, it's just disrespectful in my opinion.
I think that if someone has been your head of state and you honour them with their face on your currency so that no will be able to interact with a great portion of your society without being reminded of his contribution to your counrty you shouldn't dishonour his memory by selling stuff with his visage.
You know if someone tried to do this with Trudeau's face we would have people protesting form here to kingdom come, even though I think that Laurier's image on the ten dollar bill looks a bit like Trudeau. But Laurier has been dead for longer I guess. And people don't care so long as you've been dead for a while right? That sickens me too. I mean sure death is no big deal, but if you respect someone who had dies or is alive you don't just use their face on a paper cut out so that you can sell something by getting a laugh at the expense of the image of a great figure. But that's just my opinion.
Anyway I hope that I have some of you thinking and I may try to update me rant a little earlier this week than usual. Like before a month has passed. Have a good one 'till then.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
All right so it's been a month and six days since I've given you a new rant. Sorry about that.
So I'm not really sure what I want to talk about, too many topics come to mind. The one foremost on my mind is that of the two faced way that most gay people live their lives. Now I'm not really trying to bring up that most gay guys are back stabbing bastards, that you already know. What I want to talk about are the faces that many gay guys try to present to the world, actually straight people do this too but it's the gay guys who are on my mind right now so I'll talk about them.
Now a lot of the guys I've seen prancing around in their little artificial faces are the ones who want to present a GQ look to the world, trying to present a face of refinement and culture, along with that they can afford really expensive clothing, but the attitude and behaviour that they present is that of pure trash. Hanging out in a two hundred dollar shirt may look fly, but it's hardly convincing of any quality of person if that hanging out involves getting stoned or drunk beyond speech and then picking up the next stranger to come into the public washroom. In fact, while I like nice clothes and that sometimes costs money, I am more impressed by the guy wearing the clean sweat pants and t-shirt who actually has something intelligent to say, than I am with the guy in the three peice suit with vomit running down the front and dirt-encrusted knees who can only sit with his hand on someone's thigh trying to look smooth with barely one eye open becaue he's about to lose consciousness from alcohol poisoning.
Now if you don't think that this happens you either have never been to a gay bar or you are someone who acts like I described. No one ever notices their own behaviour. Oh sure there are slobs who act like trash and well dressed men who act refined. I've just been thinking about the ones who aren't. I mean at least someone who presents the external appearance of trash and acts like it is giving an accurate representation of who they act in the way that they dress. Not that I am against people trying to look their best if that is what they want to do; God knows I try to. But I am against people who think that buying expensive clothes and paying a hundred dollars to get their hair cut makes them a decent person it has nothing to do with who you are other than to point out that you like looking your best. How you act and think shows how cultured you are.
Even actions are not completely indicative of how cultured someone is. Someone who listens to classical music so that people will think that they are cultured but hates it, is not a classical music lover. Someone who gives money to local theatre is a patron of the arts sure, but if they don't like theatre then they aren't truly the drama appreciation types that they want to apprear to be. It's the same thing with refinement. If you talk like you are educated and worldly but your world consists of having people line up so that you can give them head one at a time in the third stall of the local gay bar, then you're trash in nice wrapping paper. You're still trash though.
Now, and this is understandable that you might think this, it sounds like I am judging people for wanting to look nice and give head. That is not what is going on here. Heck look as nice as you want and give as much head to as many people as you want to... I'd suggest a condom though stds CAN be spread through oral sex, despite what stupid people might tell you. What I am against is those people who actually verbally claim that becuase they eat at expensive restaurants and wear three hundred dollar pants that this makes them cultured, while at the same time shooting up in back alleys and doing strangers in Walmart bathrooms. If these people were honest about it then maybe they would hold a little more esteem in my eyes. Possibly even be less likely to solicit nausea from me, but I am somewhat judgemental so maybe not. But I would definitely find it easier to respect someone who tells it like it is, that they are a well dressed bar slut, for who they are and not think of them as just another cheap, fake, bar slut in C.E.O.'s clothing.
Now seriously I am not trying to condem people for being promiscuous, heck if it's fun and it's as safe as you can make I say go for it if that works for you and doesn't scare the crap out of you. What I am condemming is people who do one thing and claim that they are doing another. "I'm cultured, just look at my nice clothes, we'll just ignore that I just spilled my 4 o'clock [pm] drink on my lap and the open fly from that guy I just did in the bathroom" is far less convincing than "I'm cultured, I listen to Disc Drive on CBC every week day and I like it and the onyl guy I have ever done in a bathroom is my boyfriend." Anyone who knows that show, in my opinion, is defintely a lover of the symphony. Of course "I like to dress well but giving head in bathrooms to anonymous strangers is my way of applying for the Gay Games, I'm going for a recod; nine consecutive guys with no cum stains on my shirt," is also better than the well dressed slut in the former example.
Now I tend to side with the "Disc Drive" fan, I certainly have nothing against bathroom sex with someone I'm dating, I just don't like the idea of meeting strangers and doing them in a public place. I question how safe that is. Tow people who've never met before in a small confined space witha looked door and no one knowing that they are in there. May be a bit of a rush, the risk, the thrill of maybe getting caught, maybe even the danger that the guys whose blowing you under the stall-devider might cut your penis off, is a thrill for some people, but it doesn't quite work for me.
Personally if I wanted a thrill that gave me a rush, interaction with new people, and the fear of dying I would jump out of a plane with the local sky diving club, mostly all men whom I have never met. But hey whatevet works for you. Just remember that gonhorrea IS contagious through oral sex. So use a condom, unless of course you think of pusstuals as thrilling too (shudder).
Anyway so yeah, if you are trash you should embrace it, if you aren't trash then you should embrace that too. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, just so long as you reaslise that that's all you're doing; satisfying your desire too lokk good not making yourself more cultured with some peices of cloth and some gel. Oh and if you want to have bathroom sex please realise that there are some of us who aren't into it and do not want your hand reaching under the stall devider...it kinda creeps some of us out. And keep it down too (metaphorically speaking that is), some of us want to use the mall bathrooms in peace...teehee. : ) Have fun, play safe, and wear a scarf it's cold out...well in my neck of the woods at least.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Two weeks in a row!! It's a miracle! Merry Christmas!
So have you ever heard of a group called Eve 6? They're quite good. I am taking inspiration from them for this rant. They have a song called Promise and it's basically a song were the narator says that they promise not to try not to mess with your head, life, won't lie when looking you straight in the eyes and won't mind if you go your separate ways. Basically, as my favorite line goes, "I promise not to try."
For me this song says that the narator does not want to insult the object of their affection with the promise to not to let them down. Since if you have to try not to let someone down in a romantic relationship then perhaps you aren't meant for one another and it would be best to go your separate ways.
Now with New Year's Eve coming up and many people making resolutions, which I don't know why people think they have any more self-control that day than all the rest of the year but that's another rant, I figured that it might be a good topic. That is if you are gonna make one change this year meybe it should be to just be honest with people you date and yourself and acknowledge your limitations. If you're gonna mess with someone's head then don't say you won't in fact tell them you will. If you feel like you need to "try" in order to be with someone then don't be.
Now I'm not saying that there aren't compromises in life and especially in relationships. I am saying that if your entire relationship is a compromise of yourself or the other person then you have no relationship at all and in fact one or both of you are just using the situation to be in a relationship, any relationship, and are not there for the other person at all. I mean if you have to "try" to put up with someone then you obviously aren't in it for their company. You're in it for any company at all.
Of course during the time that you are just putting up with that other person you are possibly missing out on meeting someone whom you can stand in fact you might even like and get along with them. But you're so busy putting up with the person you are in a relationship with but can't stand that you miss out on meeting a cool person who youd get along with and could make a great friendship, and that could lead to even more. But nope you're puttin up with that person cause you promised to "try" to work with it, when neither of you is bound to be all that happy about things.
I mean, what's the point in staying someone who wares on you when it will more than likely get you both in a bad mood anyway amd then it will just not work out anyway. Just acknowledge that it doesn't work and break it off then, it will be worse if you wait any longer for both of you. Otherwise you're just using eachother just to have someone not to have them.
Have a Happy New Year!
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
So maybe I should rename these rants of the month, but I would never get around to renaming it anyway so I'll just see if I can't get more passionate about things once a week from now on.
Well this is gonna sounds weird to some of my devoted readers, but have you ever listened to babershop music? If not you really should give it a try. It's really cool.
Where does this come from? Well I was raised rather old fashioned. We went to church every week, my parents were very involved with the church and the occasional community group as well. My father was a Cub Scout leader and sang in the local men's barbershop group; I think it's called the Chimocordsmen or something like that. Anyway I used to enjoy listening to the recordings of their performances and competitions...yes I was indeed raised on babershop, classical music and opera and I loved it! And why not?
We're talking about music that blends and talks about simple things. Things that, while often phrased in a heterosexist manner, speak to most everyone. There are few attempts to make over-drawn metaphors and cryptic language...unless it's being really romantic. Especially in the case of barbershop. I mean how often in more modern contemporary music do you here the term "queen of my soul" used? How often do you here the voice of the singer over the music? How often is that voice truely someone's real voice?
Barbershop is one of the musical styles that I will always love and yet I am certain taht most people my age can't appreciate that. It's really sad that most people would rather hear a loud-ear-bleed-causing frenzy of artificially produced tones than a skillfully blended of four or more human male (or female) voices that reach nearly perfect harmony.
THis style of music, for me at least, speaks more to the heart. It just seems far more true when singers are the music, since most of this genre is acapella. The sentiment seems a bit more honest when the voices are not being inhanced by computerised sounds that are obviously not part of their natural range.
This genre has songs of all sorts, from love to religious, laments to joyous celebrations of life. Perhaps it's the blending I like. Especially with men, their voices just blend so well. The calming tender and yet powerful voices, skillfully mixing to move the spirit and sooth the soul. It's kinda mushy I know but I really have a hard time listening to Danny Boy and not getting the feeling that I might cry and there are definitely a couple of tears when it's done by a male quartet who all have that sound in their voices that they feel the words of the song. It's so hard to put to words.
Is there a chorus in your area? Have you been? Have you tried out? The last time I went to see the chorus in my area was at the Doug Wilson Awards last year, and before that I was alone at the Valentine's Day (thank God as my boyf at the time would have found some way to ruin the event for me had he come) performance that the Bridge City Chorus usually puts on here in town. They're really good!
Now I forget once in a while, and I'm sure you do this too, to keep in touch with the different kinds of music that I like. I actually hadn't listened to much barbershop music until just today and man is it cool. You should look some up.
If you don't like the idea of listening to older stuff try looking up songs by Moxy Fruvus, they're pretty good. If you're looking for something a little more old fashioned give songs like "Sweet Adeline," "Goodnight My Baby," "Danny Boy," and "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" a try. Their really good. And remember it's not just male groups that are out there in fact, and I know it's cheesey but kinda sweet, there's a group around here somewhere called the "Sweet Adelines" (I know ha ha) and they're an all women's group. So there's the best of both worlds, not to mention that there's always the mixed groups which are always full of the entire spectrum of the human voice.
Barbershop...give it a try.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Okay, so intervals between rants are getting longer but I seem to be getting busier and busier. But that's really no excuse cause that just means I keep havoing more and more experiences that are worth ranting about...go figure. Of course by the time I get to my computer I've forgotten what I was going to saying but hey that's life.
So there's an election coming up here in Canada and I'm hoping that a lot of people go out there and vote for someone other than the Alliance Party. Don't get me wrong I don't think I have the right to tell people who to vote for so if in all good-caring-respectful-to-others conscience you want to vote Alliane...well then ask yourself if you want a world were people are rounded up and shot for being gay.
So I guess you could vote Alliance with a clear conscience; if you want all the women in Canada chained to stoves, all the queers (that includes lesbians, gay men, bisexuals of all sorts, and transgendered people and I'm sure it includes drag queens) shot, and the non-caucasians enslaved or kicked out of their own country. That is if they aren't queer cause then they'll just be shot, some of them while chained to stoves.
So PLEASE vote for someone else. I'm sure that there will be enough right wing influence coming in from the States now that they have an alleged coke addict, who also seems to be a right wing fundamentalist, as their head of state... well now that they might I'm not sure if they have actually finished counting those votes.
You know what? Come to think of it I can givce the right wing some credit, and I think Brian said this too, at least they're organised. They right wing runs one candidate and so all of hte right wingers vote for the same guy. Now in Canada our left isn't all that left, it's more left than in the States, but they run several candidates at once and so the vote is split up and even though two candidates will get more votes together than the right wing candidate, the right wing candidate will have more for themselves and so be elected. So do us ALL a favour and don't vote Green Party, they're right, we shold give FAR GREATER care to the environment but not enough people will vote for them to get close to winning and if the same thing happens here as it did in the states they will take the little bit that the left needs to win with a larger-party memeber of the left.
So go and vote on November 27th and vote responsibly. We don't need any split vote, but vote your conscience, so if you vote Alliance then fine... you're an idiot but fine... and if you vote anything else well I just hope it's the anything else that everyone else is going to vote ofr but that's up to you.
If you would like some more information about the election go to the Elections Canada website. It's pretty cool and there are always those really annoying commercials on T.V.; ARE YOU ON THE LIST?
So yeah vote darn it and vote considering if you want half the country enslaved or not. And if you want a great choice for leader just vote for Ryan cause I'm the best of no alternatives. Teehee.
Here's a problem with the Aliance Party, their platform is built very heavily on a corruption of Christian thought. WHICH REALLY PISSES ME OFF. Now I know people will tell me "Ryan there are many ways to interpret the Bible." I would tend to agree but not that much. If you read the phrase "Love you neighbour" and that came after a description of the word neighbour as includng the most commonly hated people in your culture and even outside of your culture; would you think that there were limitations on whom you should be showing love for?
Well here's a political party whose leader is a right wing fundamentalist who belongs to religious organisations that practice the spreading of sexism against women, the gay community, and straight men (women and queers aren't the only ones hurt by sexism straight men get religated to being no more tha providing machines who can only act like brainless ruffians), not to mention that it has been disclosed by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (who ar usually very professional and good about checking their sources) he is a racist to boot.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Well so it's been more than a week, again, and I've done a lot of thinking lately and you know what? I need to let myself enjoy life and work on my schooling, whatever that's ;eading to right now I don't really care, my courses are so general it could be anything right now. I'm going to enjoy myself and allow myself the time to learn from school and life but without rushing myself toward anything in particular.
Sure there are still people who want me to do stuff, or have "hopes" they've expressed for me, some more people have tried to be supportive by telling me more things that they want me to do, but in general people have tended to be rather supportive of the fact that I should figure out what I want and do that. You know what they're right. I can't go making a decision on dinner when I don't even know what restaurant I want to eat at. Although right now I could go for some fetucini du chef, haven't had that for a couple of weeks.
I'm just gonna go to class and have fun learning, hang out with my friends and have fun funning and allow myself the time I need to work out what it is that is right for me so that I can do that. I just hope no one else minds my being uncertain until then, of course that's me worrying what other peopel will think about me again. And I do worry about that, we all usually do. I just hope that everyone realises that my figuring things out for myself will be better for everyone since I will be able to answer those little questions like "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and "What do you want to do this evening?" or even "Do you want to go out?" with an answer that is honest and true not only to how I feel at the time but to what I want in life.
How do I accomplish this you ask? Well a hell of a lot of work in my head. Figuring out why I have certain attitudes about myself generally. Like why I doubt anyone could love me... hmmm well maybe it's because I've never allowed anyone capable of loving into my life in a very-close-to-me kinda capacity. Sure I've had boyfriends, but I generally chose to date guys who (sorry guys but I think it's true and I think you'll agree) just weren't ready to love themselves let alone me. And hey that's where I've been too, I haven't been able to love myself so why would I expect anyone else to? Well that ends now, I have been talking with a therapist on a regular basis, a good one too. She's been asking me quesitons about how I feel and what that's about and I've been figuring that out and talking to her about it and she listens and asks me more things that I need to figure out for myself cause I really need to in order to get things where I can be a happy camper on a regular basis and take care of myself. I think looking at the things that happened to me in my past and thinking about what that was about; you know, why men have always been mean to me, as my therapist suggested, and thinking about what that was about for the other people involved. Why they were mean to me but where that came from in their lives, cause intellectually looking at the way I have ben treated by men, even my father, it's not about me it's about them having crap in their own lives that they allowed effect others and not just me but I kept that in my life (well I had little choice when I was 8 and my dad was being a jerk).
You know you start out with certain things going on in your life and you get used to a pattern and then you have trouble not functioning within that pattern so you kepe it going and then you realise that isn't working for you, so you change it. And that's what I'm doing, no more abusive boyfriends, no more two-faced acquaintances, no more beating myself up for things that aren't there or aren't important, and totally no more talking about my ex's when I should be talking about me. After all it's me who puts myself into crappy situations anyway, I mean people can act like jerks all they want but it's the people who hang
around them who are choosing to allow the situation to continue.
You know another thing I really appreciate the responses that I've gotten from people I don't know about my rants in the recent past. I'm very happy to have gotten supportive responses that had good ideas and nice things to say. You rock!
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
I've got a long question that perhaps many people who have been nearing the end of a degree, and been dealing with a few other issues in their lives at the time, have asked before in various ways and forms. But what do you do when you don't really want to do anything but everyone expects you to do a whole bunch of things?
I mean my parents and family want me to finish me degree, get my masters in divinity and become a minister, one of my friends wants me to engage in a logically analytical discussion of my reasoning behind my beleifs so that I can establish a realistic and beneficial world view and understanding of the universe (a pursuit that is truely noble and worthwhile in my books), another friend wants me to drive a U-HAUL across the prairies so they can move, someone I know only passingly wants to go for coffee, another friend wants me to stop in Calgary and visit them on the way across the prairies, my other friends want me to hang out with them, I need to buy a bed, I should do the dishes, my room needs cleaned, people want me to write my rants, and most everyone wants me to stop complaining about my last relationship and that everyone wants me to do things.
And what do I want to do, you ask? Seriously ask me (teehee). I want to sit at home and puttz around on my computer and just rest. I am so tired lately that when I even consider doing any of that I just want to sleep, and I usually do. I totally appreciate my friends wanting me to do things with them, my family wanting me to get swiftly into the profession that they think I want (don't ask cause I don't even know myself right now), one of my closest friends wanting me to grow as an individual into an enlightened point of view. These are good things, nice things, wonderful even. Now I have to say that sometimes my friends can get a bit pushy; I mean right now I've been told that I have no choice in that driving across the prairies thing and sometimes when I don't want to talk about this or that my friends take it personally; they get upset I get upset and then everyone calms down a friendship has been wrecked and Ryan's even more tired than he was before when he should have said "can we tone this down? I just don't have the energy."
Well it's all more complicated than that and things get muddled in my brain a lot, but sometimes I act like an inconsiderate jerk (just like everybody else does from time to time) and don't see the needs of others and sometimes others do the same to me and we all sit around not seeing the forest for the trees and even though we say we understand we don't act like we understand and then it just gets worse. And this isn't making a lot of sense is it? Well too bad, I know what I'm talking about you can email me if you're not getting this and I'll clear it up.
Oh I'll try to clear it up here too: Basically, I'm tired, I'm confused and right now I don't think I can do anything until I at least feel rested. I felt rested, only a couple months ago actually. I had the best time of my life, I was pumuped for life and energetic. Now I'm drained and exhausted and I'm just about to start a new school year, not a promising spot to be in. So if you do know me, or even if you don't I would like to appologise for my lack of interst in anything right now as I just want a vacation. Maybe a drive across the prairies would be good for me. But driving isn't really restful is it? But whatever. I may take a couple days off and get out of town sometime this school year.
I would like to make sure that I say something to everyone I know, who may or may not be reading this. I appreciate your presence in my life. I may not act like it and I know that I should, and I truely wish I had, but I'm certain I haven't and I'm sorry. I wish I had the energy right now to do what needs to be done and what people want me to do but I'm just not up to it right now. I love you deeply and I will hopefully have some of you forgiveness or at least understanding if there is anything you are wanting me to do right now and I don't seem to want to do it.
Anyway now that I've gotten weird I'll talk to y'all later and I will hopefully have some more energy for next week so I can write my rant. Hey I wrote it this week, maybe I'm getting back some energy.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Well it's perhaps because it's the 13th or it's because the last person I dated, for the past year and a half has recently accused me of cheating on him and assaulted me and then confessed to cheating on me wth 6 guys at least, during our relationship, then harassed me for a week and a half until I moved and got a VERY unlisted number. (My phone now has an armed guard). But I say good riddence to bad rubish. What I realy want to talk about is me. Since I was the dolt who dated this not very nice person.
But I must ask myself a serious question. Am I insane, stupid or just looking for a reason to get attention by dating people who are mean, irresponsible, immature, spoiled, escapists? Well I know that I'm not insane, as my last therapist told me I wasn't. I know that I'm not stupid, no genius but not stupid. And really I get attention in other ways but you know not quite as much as when I tell people that my boyfs have been nasty to me. I get all the affirmation of my attractiveness, intelligence and worth (not to mention hugs) that I could use...and more (although I can never get enough hugs).
So it all leads back to what my growth page was talking about when I was updatingit regularly. My own knowledge of my worth.
Also know as my self-worth, ot self-esteem, efficacy, and what not. So Ryan's still at the point where he stays with someone who's not even material for a friend, and my real friends are way better than this last guy. They're nice, smart, interested in me as a feeling thinking person, and not drunken losers. Well I guess we know that Ryan has caught onto the "Hey I don't deserve this" thing he should have caught on to a long time ago.
So how do I fix this? Well for one thing I stay single for a while. Then I spend time realising tha I don't need to have someone treat me badly in order to have others remind me of what so cool about me. In fact I shouldn't need anyone to remind me of what is so cool about me, should I? I mean it's nice to hear but I know what's good about me and I should be able to tell myself those things and be able to tell someone else that they are severly messed up if they think otherwise. Deffinitely not let them tell me only negative things about me and get away with it. I should say "You know what I'm very cool in many ways and if you're going to waste my time trying to say otherwise you can get the hell out of my life!" There's no reason that a boyfriend or a friend should find more things wrong with you than they do good things about you. Unless you're nasty and mean in which case you are not good enough to be their friend and you should leave them alone (for the benefit of several, but not all of my ex's).
So let's all ask ourselves a question: What do I do for attention? Do I do this because I want others to affirm my positive traits (nothing wrong with that by the way)? Is this good for me (here's where you get into the problem zones)? Some people volunteer at cumminty service agencies. Others gamble, drink, and steal. Some people slut around. Some people create beautiful works of art. Others still get involved in sports, or web design. Many more mope around and whine about how much their lives suck. Some people compliment everyone. Some make fun of others to their faces or behind their backs to others. Some cheat on their significant others. Some threaten to commit suicide (which is never solving a problem) repeatedly and never really go through with it. A few (unfotunately these are never the ones who should...not that anyone should do this) actually do kill themselves, which tends to get more attention to their loved ones rather than themselves.
So now I have to figure out, how to affirm my positive points to myself, accept my negatives (no ones perfect but we could all use some work [patient, understanding work though]), and be able to realise that I don't need a nasty boyfriend in order to get affirmation from others because I have enough from myself. Enough to tell someone nasty to lose my number and grow up and to live without constant outside reinforcement. Although it would be nice, just not reasonable. And no dear ex of mine one (1) compliment in a month is not constant.
Another thing I need to realise is that nasty people aren't worth wasting my time fretting over. I will now learn and let go by getting rid of nasty occupations with people, while not forgetting the lessons that I have learned from my encounters. Like I need to work on my internal security with myself. And when I date next remind myself that if they aren't nice I should just drop them like the idots they are. Cause I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And gosh darnnit I like me.
Anyway, have a great week. And hug yourself every day. You deserve it. And tell that guy in your life whose been mean to stop talking to you, he's not worth your time.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
So I've been thinking about some things lately, which you may have been able to tell from the last rant or not. A lot of which has been very personally important to me, and very thought provoking and possibly flashback inducing to several of the people who read it, so this week I'm going to talk about world views and global hopes instead of things close to home (home being the psyche). I recently was asked what kind of music I liked and when I said alternative rock (which is one of the many types of music that I enjoy on a regular basis) I was asked which groups and told "and NOT Christian groups either." Well I started the little list that came to mind and was quickly interrupted, politley by my friend, to be informed that I had just mentioned a Christian group. My response was, "is Creed a Christian group?" I thought about it for a second, being someone who pays attention to lyrics and said "That makes sense." But I was curious as to whether or not they were officially a Christian group or if they were actually a secular group who had hopes and dreams of a wonderful and nurturing world for humanity and its future. So I went to their website. I tried to find something that said whether they were out and out Christians or just very positive yet realistic and hopeful.
Well I haven't gotten too far into the site yet but I haven't seen anything that says "THIS IS A CHRISTIAN GROUP" so I haven't been able to come to any conclusions on that front. i have found that they are realistic about suffering in the world but aren't afraid to write songs about this suffering being cared for by humanity and that we can bring peace and joy to the world if we all decide to work together. Or at least that they hope so.
This tends to relate to my own personal world view that is that we can have peace and love in the world, and joy don't forget joy, if we work together with the best of intentions and put aside hate and fear. Yes I'm optimistic and no I won't stop hoping and work for peace, joy, hope, and love in the world.
So I realised why I like Creed, because they have a great sound, they're enrgertic and positive. But I don't necesarily think that they come across as specifically a Christian group. I've noticed some rather Christian undertones to their lyrics and the positive outlook is wonderful but doesn't mean its an exclusively Christian group. Anyway I think that they're music rocks and I always feel very hopeful and charged when I listen to their music.
Since I have been giving my opinion and some of you may have no idea who Creed is here is a sample of one of their songs, in fact it's my favorite song of their's. Read it and tell me or just tell yourself, if the message has to be considered exclusively Christian or if this is a positive and hopeful song that could be anyone's outlook on life either that or they're talking about getting high but I doubt it personally:
When dreaming I'm guided through another world
Check out their site it's awsome! Talk to you next week. And Think positive, it's the only world we have we might as well have some hope for it.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Well it's been more than a month and man you people rock! I have had a lot of really great responses from you. By great I mean thought provoking and challenging as well as affirming. Several good poitns have been made about trust issues that come from experience and how hard it is to get past these, if one ever can. And I beleive that this is very valid. **For those of you who didn't read the last rant it is currently here. It was about people allowing others a chance to be trusted before denying trust to them.
The point that was most commonly made in response to my rant was that many people have been hurt by others, often when they are growing up, and so have a hard time trusting people. I think that this is very valid and that defense mechanisms are not only very deserved in this case but very helpful as well. Not only do they protect us from others who might hurt us when we probably couldn't take any more but also if someone is raised in an abusive atmosphere they tend to (not always but more than you would hope) get used to being around certain types of people and set up an environment that is similar in their adulthood as well. A defense mechanism against being hurt, in this case, will protect the individual from themselves. The important thing is to break the pattern of allowing hurtful people into your life with that defense and then, once you have established a secure environment, allow yourself to trust a little. You should always keep in mind that you are used to a bad scene though so reminding yourself of your limits and your safety zones is really good. But that doesn't mean that you can't trust you just need to remember to be assured that not tolerating a breach of your trust is a good thing. Less confusingly; trust but if someone hurts you don't let them stay in your life. You've gotten back on your feet, you've got safety nets and you have a safe environment (because you took advantage of your defense mechanism) so don't be afraid to drop someone out of your life. If they are betraying your trust they deserve it. They weren't there before and you got by just fine, you can get by just fine without them now.
It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. In fact it's damned hard but you need to keep reminding yourself of the things that are bad for you and the things that are good for you. Just keep in mind that no one is perfect and you need to reinforce yourself over and over and that from time to time you will trip. Just remember that when you do trip to get back on your feet and do what you need to do in order to feel secure and safe again so you can trust once more... It's not a life long solution unless you keep at it but allow yourself to trust base don judgement and experience and don't rush into a relationship (that means friendships, lovers, whatever) with someone. And remind yourself that you can get by without them. It's not easy but they can't hurt you if you don't let them get away with it.
In fact the trusting thing is a big part of the healing because there will be people who won't hurt you, in fact they will support you and be there for you. They will make you feel safe just by beig around. You're not using them for safety but they will be part of it. You don't need the hurtful people cause you have the ones that are nice to you whom you have allowed into your life through time and trust and experience. The rest are either friends you haven't met or people whom you cannot trust and just aren't for you.
Well there's my second rant about trust. I myself, if you read the growth page, have had a lot of issues with trusting men with my heart and myself with looking after what I need to be healthy and I'll tell you I've been good and bad at it. I slip up and I have to remind myself of what I need. It usually involves a lot of telling others what I am not comfortable with when it is happening which is hard for. But I have to remind myself that I need that to have my environment be what is good for me. And I have to be strong enough to not only tell others that I need these things and if they can't give them to me then they are being bad for me and I can't and won't have that in my life. I also have to be strong and live up to this. The last part is something that I have had a really hard time with but I'm working on it.
Talk to you next week.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
In the past week or so I have heard several people express a complete lack of faith in their fellow man. They've said things like people are gerneally selfish and basically impossible to trust. In my humble opinion this is complete bull, either they are themselves the untrustworthy person that they are descrbigin or are so afraid of being hurt by others that they paint a malvolient image of people so that they stay on guard not to let others take advantage of them, even though this probably isn't going to be the case.
What disturbs me most about either of the aforementioned people is that they make it hard for the rest of us who are just trying to share our friendship and lives with others to do so. How can you be a trusted friend if you are assumed to be untrustworthy from the start.
Don't get me wrong I agree that trust is something that must be earned but it can't be earned if it is withdrawn in the first place. It's just like when you go to a movie and you are expecting it, wholeheartedly, to suck. Unless it is an excellent movie, the best ever made; you won't like it even if it is rather good. Take when you hear soemthing negative about someone you've never met, usually you will either not have a great impression of them when you do meet them unless you've made a conscious effort to be objective and set aside what you've heard until after you have seen for yourself. Now I can't really speak for everyone but you have to admit that what you expect has a strong baring on what you perceive once you're there.
In fact there have been strong findings supporting that our expectations when invibing alcohol influence its effect on us. If you expect to get drunk easily you probably will. So a smaller amount of alcohol will be likely to get you drunk. Now this doesn't meant that our expectations are completely invalid. You might have a bad feeling about someone because of
very clear indications that they are not trustworthy, you might have seen other movies by the same director that have sucked, or you may not have eaten very much that day and so you would be right; you will get drunk faster if you haven't eaten.
I guess what I am saying is, don't trust everything and everyone just for the sake of doing it but don't mistrust everyone and everything for the sake of mistrust either. Both are either putting you in undo danger or keeping you from good experiences. You might make a friend, but that takes time. The movie might suck but you should watch it first. You might get
drunk easily, so why are you drinking so much? Teehee.
Trust should be earned but no one can earn it if we all refuse to let eachother do so.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
So I've left you without a new rant for long enough, sorry about the wait I've been so busy with school stuf lately and haven't had a lot of time for fun stuff. Don't ge tme wrong I think that school is fun cause I learn a bunch of cool stuff in my courses but they are also a lot of work so when I get loaded with assignments it's not as much fun as when I am cruising along with a moderate level of school work.
Actually I think that school will be my rant this time. Educaion is not, in my humble opinion, given as much credit as it deserves. Sure many people say "it's just a bunch of fancy book learning you don't really learn any more than you would if you were out in the 'realy world'." To that I say "where, in the 'real world' would I learn about the the configuration and functioning of the human brain?" Sure without education and the furtherance of theoretical studies we would still be in the dark ages (since all modern living conveniences and health/social developments find their source in academia of one sort or another) so I might be able to learn about human brain function by seeing what happens when someone's head is injured in hand to hand combat... of course that would require me studying brain injuries and could be considered academic study. While we can still study brain damage in people and its affect on human functioning today I would figure that there are severely fewer cases of brain damage since the development of social standards that rule out most forms of common hand to hand combat. We don't challenge people to a duel whenever they piss us off.
That's an extreme example I'll tone it down. How about the fact people who study philosophy and industrial psychology in university are being employed by companies to help design ethical treatment policies. These people not only know what people don't think is fair but are well trained in critical thinking so as to aid their employer to decide what is an appropriate level for how to act given certain situations. Getting an well-balanced approach to this would take decades of practical experience which most newcomers to a career in human resource management would not have access to without studying a record of such prior hands-on experience. Everyone would have to train themselves through trial and error in order to have an adequate performance in this area. Studying what other people have done and taking training on theories and approaches that others have developed before you start in a job would more than likely improve your ability to do the job well. Giving you the chance to develop your approach with a collection of knowledge on how to do so.
You can develop your own tactics better if you know what has worked and what has not worked for others.
Mason workers train under others for many years before they are considered to be skilled enough be considered competent in their feild. Thier progression through this process would obviously be improved if they were given a course on the theories behind how to do things and what is used to accomplish the tasks in this profession. Thus technical schools were developed to allow people who want to be technical feilds to get even more out of thier parctical training. These courses include practicums taht allow the student to have hands on experience with the job even before they start out in the "real world" so that they can learn faster and perform better when they are there.
I don't know where this is coming from, I think it's a memory that I have of a person who had never been to university and called themselves a psychotherapist (who had said claimed certain known-to-be-unhealthy activities would be a good way to heal after emotional trauma) and said that a degree i just a piece of paper that you get after four years in university. What does he think students just sit around in classes and stare at walls for hours on end and then they recieve a degree for doing this for several years? I swiftly replied that "No, a degree is what you get after studying what others have done in a given feild, being feverously scrutinized for your ability to recall, understand, and use this knowledge in a productive and creative way. For four years. A degree is a symbol of hard work and well earned knowledge and achievement." That was the last time I heard anything about this from him.
I have had people in my life that thought that I was not the smartest person in the world, usually because I'm quite good looking...no I am not bragging about my looks... appartently good looking people aren't supposed to be smart. Usually at a later point after this person has made some assurtion that I know very little a conversation will come up about something that I think relates to a course that I am taking and I will expound on the little knwoledge that I have (I say little because while I try in my classes and don't do all that badly in them my profs dwarf any knowledge that I could dream of having with my undergrad knowledge) and they usually act surprised or just have such little grasp of the topic when compared to me that they change the subject or stop talking in embarassement.
I guess there is another perk to knowledge..it is power. Tee hee. education is the reason we have medicine that works. It's the reason you have a computer. It's the reason that we know how to clean up toxic spills (and the reason we have them). Education is the thing that keeps us from going in one direction as a culture and never thinking that we might have missed something. My education is more in the lines of theoretical things like psychology (my major) and philosophy (the program that I have the second largest number of classes in) so please bare in mind that my education has not really contributed to superb spelling skills but I can tell you which areas of the brain might be involved in my ex-boyf having colour blindness or convince you that you might not be seeing the "real world" because it's just your senses and you can't sense all of what is real...otherwise you would be omniscient.
Actually it's been so long since I've given you a lot of rants I will give you two.
You know what really bothers me? Well you might know a few thigns that bother me if you have been reading my rants. But something that bothers me often is something I mentioned in the last rant. Why are more attractive people expected to be considered unintelligent? I mean should there really be any expectation that people of average or below average attractiveness should strive any more or less at intellectual persuits?
That doesn't seem fair. Maybe it's revealing a discrimination against the less atractive. Are they expected to work harder to get ahead in life? I have heard it said that attractive people are more likely to be hired for jobs or recieve better treatment at stores or even in court rooms. What is that?
Then we expect a cushy life for pretty people so we think that they'll be dumb? Again this isn't making a lot of sense. I mean if you are in a North American culture you're probably being told that a personal drive for achievement is good so whether you're pretty, plain, or ugly (if there is such a thing); why wouldn't you try to be good at least in something.
Now I do want to say two things:
1) A drive to achieve is good but people need to know thier limits. There are just some things that individuals cannot do no matter how hard they try and that's fine because there's probably something else that they do better than everyone. And if not, so what! Who says a fulfilling life is one spent trying to one-up everyone else? How about enjoying life and seeing the beauty in just watching the clouds from time to time...you remember doing that as a kid don't you? Before you had to get a promotion or a better grade or a nicer house or faster car don't you? Hey take a break right now. Do nothing but watch the sky for a bit (DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN). Look how beautiful something is that you don't need to upgrade or ask for recognition for. Don't worry this site will still be here when you get back. No I mean take a break right now, at this very moment.
See wasn't that nice? Did the world stop? I guess not since you're reading this rant again.
2) Where do people get concepts of attractive and unattractive anyway? I mean is it because you have smooth skin and a well chiseled jaw? Is beauty in an ab? There was a time that looking like someone who works out a lot meant that you weren't able to relax because you couldn't afford to, you had to work all the time because you were poor and so you had well developed muscles from hard labour. Now if you have well developed muscles it's because you can afford to go to a gym or have a personal trainer. See the contrast? Why is it so exterior too? I know I know "Ryan's copping out and using the 'beauty is on the inside thing,' how sad." But why is it just this too too solid flesh is what people seem to focus on when they say "he's so attractive!" I'm not innocent of this at all. I like what North American standards say is attractive. I'm from North America what else would I think? But that doesn't mean it's something I think is all that great. I mean you have to like what you like, but honestly I love to look at trees growing and the sky is so cool. Actually Saskatchewan (the province I live in...in Canada never mind you all know where it is) has put "The land of living Skys" on its car liscence plates. It sounds cheesey...and it is... but we do have the prettiest sky. Sunsets and sunrises are full of every colour and they're so vibrant. All of our polution blows away, as we are on the prarie and we have such a small population that there is relatively less than other areas of the world, so our sky is gorgeous. When the sky is clear in the summer you can see blue forever, it's clear bright and just happy for some reason. You can feel the wonder of this world we live on just by looking at a running river or a cloudy scene and know that this nurtures life...it creates and destroys it's powerful and fragile. That's why we see it as beautiful, not because it looks pretty but what it holds within it. Balance and growth and peace.
So maybe it's what we seek that we don't find that makes us put peopel into categories based on looks. If we don't think we find beauty in the exterior we assume that it is inside and if we find it on the outside we don't expect it on the inside. Because we lack the peace and balance to look for it in both places. Arrgh! I'm getting all caught up in a thought of a nice blue sky seen from the river bank in town here. It's distracting me from what I want to say because I just want to lose myself in it's peace. I think I like the silence of nature. Sure the wind blows and the brids and animals make noise but it's so harmonious and pleasant... yes I know that nature isn't always pleasant but I'm in little danger of being attacked by wild animals in the city's parks and trails. There may be some danger but little for sure... there's more danger in the people than the sky and the trees.
Perhaps that should have been my rant, the way that people keep eachother out of sorts with this crazy being busy all the time. Maybe that will be next time. Until then have a good time and don't work too hard. Do your work of course, you gotta eat, but try to let yourself enjoy some peace once in a while. And maybe try to learn something new too, a happy mind is one that is given the chance to learn and rest rest once in a while.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
Wow, people you rock! I've had more emails, which I'm sorry to admit that I couldn't get back to everyone, about that last rant (now located in rant archive number 7) than I have about pretty much any of my other rants. I guess people realised that my rants are a really good part of the site. I'm glad because that was what I had hoped for. But that's not this week's rant, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who takes the time out to read my rants and think about what I have to say, and thanks for letting me know about your thoughts. I've read them all, which was not too demanding on my time, just replying is getting tough as I have projects for my fourth year classes that are taking some time and finals are coming up along with many papers...but complaining about school isn't this week's (or month's if you're counting) topic either.
This rant is about the prper use of the internet...not that people who come to my site need to be better with it, you're all angels. It's the people who have forgotten what the net is about who need to be reminded that they can go over board with stuff. There just aren't things that you should put online or anywhere else for that matter. Even into your own head.
Okay so it's sounding like I'm telling people how to think, and while I think that some thoughts that people have aren't healthy that's for them and their counselors to worry about. What I'm talking about it what people put on the internet. The limits to what people are allowed to do online are often forgotten.
The net is a place for freedom of speeche (which I am all for), and education, business (yes even business; something has to pay for the thing), and entertainment just like any other form of communication medium. Like everything else in the world if a portion of the net becomes too much of any of these things it seems to lose its interest for most. When a site or page is poorly accomplishing its goals for the above topics it might become dangerous. There is such thing as too little education or bad entertainment. How about those sites that are all advertising but promised to be an educational or entertainment site. Business' sites your expect to be basically that but when you're local city's home page is more comercial advertising than information on local events or facilities then you've got a bad site that isn't meeting its goals properly.
Now the freedom of speeche thing is a touchy subject. I think that people should have the right to express how they feel and even the severity of how they feel. It's hard to tell someone that you are "pissed off!" if you can only use the word "miffed," it just doesn't convey the intensity of the feeling. People certainly have the right to say how they feel, however there are limits to that as well. This has become the subject of much contravercy as of late and with good cause.
Sites that threaten people are the same as news papres or posters that threaten people, except there is more opportunity for a site to be seen by more people. The recent closure of a site put up by someone who stated that they were going to releive a world leader of their life was, in my opinion a good decision. Threatening anyone is inappropriate and illegal to boot. Now I'm definitely not saying that people should never voice disagreement with a politician... that's pretty much all we can do now-a-days, but there's no reason to take a life let alone threaten to do so no matter who the intended target is or what the purpose of the threat may be. I tell ya if someone threatened my life and I was in a political position I would be less likely to think that their political views were of any concern and more likely to think that they were crazy and I was probably not doing whatever it was that they had a problem with.
The net is often a very freeingplace for people as they can meet many new people and feel detattched enough to feel that they can say anything without worrying about how people will take it. Which makes sense what difference would it make to someone who lives five million miles away if you say something hurtful to or about them, right? Well the thing is that people are people no matter where they are or who they are... actually I just came from a presentation by the Olympic Gold Medalist, Mark Tewksbur, who said that very thing. "People are people no matter who they are." So how does a person feel when you say something hurtful about them? Hurt.
How would anyone feel if someone threatened them? Threatened, scared, confused. It's just not fair to do certain things. Now no one is perfect, deffinitely not me. I mean I have a shirt that says "Mean People Suck" on it and I don't think that it makes people who consider themselves to be mean feel very good. Although some might argue that if someone is mean that they do suck and so the shirt is warrented. Also the shirt is not going of the top; it doesn't say "Mean People Suck and Should be Summarily Executed" it just says that they "suck." in my opinion ot is a true statement too (that they suck not that they should be executed in any way).
I guess my point is (I know I know "Wow Ryan actually has a point this week!!!") that people should remember that while the net is rather detattches, easily accessed, and very free; that there while that are few limits to what you can do there are still limits to what you should do. They're broad and they're few because you've got you God given right to express yourself but remember that you're expressing yourself to people and not just some letters that appear on a screen from around the world.
Now I think it important to say that the people who have come to my site have always treated me with respect and kindness and have expressed yoursleves in a manner becoming of good and intelligent people in my opinion. There is the exception of one person who was rude and published a threat to me in the guestbook (publishing threats or hate literature is illegal on this continent) about a year and a half ago but I've heard nothing from him since. If you look hard enough you might be able to find the entry in my guestbook although I don't remember if I erased it or just gave it its own page as a monument to how silly and insecure some people can be.
On that note ahve a good time until I rant next (and after that too) and I will rant to you again soon.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
February 9th, 2000
You know what? Living in a cold climate during winter really sucks. I recently had the pleasure of checking out a really great site by a guy in California. I was really enjoying his site when I noticed that in his favorite things to do section that he rollerblades every season of the year. Try that here and you'll end up soaked from head to toe during spring or fall (although fall is usually fairly dry and spring gets inline soon) or you'll be stcuk in one spot cause your wheels have frozen to the ground.
Now some of you are probably saying "so you can't blade in the winter. No big loss just wait until the srping and on a non-rainy day go blading." Well you might be right but what you don't know is that blading is my favorite thing to do and it really sucks to not be able to do it. Don't get me wrong I love editing my site, when I get around to it, but there's just nothign like the feeling of gliding down an ashfault path with the wind in your hair, feeling your legs flex as you thrust them outward to propell you faster and faster past trees and feilds. It's gorgious to see the sites of a nature path form the perspective of a low friction glider speeding along by the power of your own body. The graceful ellegence of the act is addictive to me. Man to be able to blade all year, that would be beautiful.
Of course saskatoon has spent millions on the river bank area of our city to provide nature trails that are smooth and well kept that stretch from one end of town to the other (and past actually) and back again on the other side of the river. It's gorgeous, the trails even go out of town. Blading past a feild of wheat is quite the experience I tell you. The warm prairie air carressing your back as the sun does it's best to crisp your skin for you've had to remove most of your clothes since it's 40 above, that's celcius so it's pretty hot. The persperation on your skin removed by the warm air as you soar past waves of gold. Looking to the left and seeing the curving South Saskatchewan River with it's small waves and swift current rushing past the shore. And your only about a twenty mintue role from downtown (it's a small city but it's nice). Anyway Saskatoon is great in the summer but I really miss blaidng in the winter. I was blading right up until October this year as the fall was very warm, it might even have been November I don't remember for sure.
But anyway i just wanted to say that blading is great and I wish I lived somewhere that I could do it year round, those of you who can are very lucky and I am glad to see that you take advantage of it. Some day maybe I'll live in Australia or another warm place where I can blade year round. I think somewhere near a river or ocean would be cool.
Okay so this is more of a dream than a rant but you know what...it's my rant/dream so I can do what ever I want. Hopefully some of you can relate. If you can't get yourself some in-line skates and get your butt out on a smooth surface, start slowly to be safe but you'll love it I'm sure. Oh and safety gear is important too so do it smart and you'll enjoy it longer...you'll live longer too.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
So I've been wondering lately if the universe really is coming to an end. Things seem to be getting worse and worse around this little lump of rock in the middle of nowhere. If you don't think that I am right then you're probably either a bigger optimist than I usually am or you haven't seen a news cast much lately.
Consider this, that the rate to which corporations are taking control of governmental operations and at while doing so relieving the average citizen of their human rights and trying to inform them that they are choosing this themselves will eventually cause so many people to feel alienated or angry that we'll eiither slip into a state of zombie-like existence where most people are content to be told what to do and then robbed of their humanity one day after another (not that most of the world hasn't already been their for a long time) or we'll end up with riotous uprisings all over then world with a lot of chaos and distruction to follow...porbably the former followed by the latter, all around the world.
You know this is just what Marx predicted, I'm probably making the same mistake that others have made. Thinking that this is as much as the world can take of people oppressing other people for the sake of some trinket adn so thinking that they'll retaliate. No I'm not saying that I expect a revolution tomorrow. I'm just thinking that there is a very thin line between the breaking point and the sustaining of long term oppression. Now much like Marx and most of the people that I know who have read him and studied and think that he is pretty much right philisophically, I have always felt that people should be more important than property and that there is more to the world than the acquisition of wealth. But much like Marx I, and not much like those others of whom I spoke before, I think that the bonds of oppression are not likely to come off anytime soon.
You see when the greed that sustains the system that allows humans to oppress humnas is the thing that will stop it from getting to the point of no tollerance for a long time to come. Hundreds, even thousands of years might pass before circumstances are just right for the world to be so oppressed and for people to realise that there is no way that they are going to get a piece of the action which will cause them to act. Breaking free of the oppression for the sake of a buck and the idea that they can get it if they work hard enough at it.
See it's the idiotic idea that someday we each might have the chance to have and control the power that has and controls us that keeps each of us allowing this system of society to continue. If we all realised that any power that anyone has is in our minds then no one would have power. It's almost too simplistic and yet it's nealy impossible for most people to believe.
Let's put it this way. You have been raised to see, not through words but through example, that people with nicer cars and houses as superior because they've "worked harder" and "planned smarter" than you have, it's really hard not to think of them as better then you, now since being better than others is seen as desirable you then want to have the car and the house so you try to work harder than everyone else. Being raise this way it's hard to think that people are who they are not because of things but because of their humanity. It's hard to think that a homeless person might be smarter than you (if you're not homeless) because at least you're smart enough to be able to afford a home. You think that maybe if they are smart enough that they just haven't worked as hard as you have. And if it's neither of those then "well life just isn't fair sometimes, and you can't win all the time." Meaning that you're luckier and allowing you not to feel sorry for them cause those are just the rules and who are you to question the rules right? You're just some shmuck who's got a house and a car but you don't run amultinational corporation or anything. If you had that much money and influence then you'd be intitled to question how things are done. Since you're giving poor shmucks like you jobs that'll let them buy their houses and cars and feel like their better than some homeless person. You should be able to waltz in and tell governments what to do cause you're letting their wortless little citizens work in your factories and make enough money for you so that you can give them enough to buy these houses and cars, that will take them twenty years to pay off while they pay the itnerest on the money that they borrowed from a bank you happen to have stock in, and at the same time provide the finances for you to buy those fifteen houses and several cars that you have. Which of course means that you're smarter, luckier, harder working, and more important than everybody else.
Well I've got some papers to write about this very issue so I will end this with the simple question. Should anyone be able to tell Canadians that they have to sell their water to any other country or a company outside of Canada? I mean what the hell was that about?
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
I was shown something utterly obserd today in a class that I am taking on nineteeth century philosophy and existentialism, actually it had more to do with philosophy of sexuality but that's beside the point. One of my class mates had gotten, in the mail, this flyer for a custom made computer. Now that's not so odd but what was ludicrous about this add is that it was for a computer that came is two different models (also not too strange), the weird part was that there is one for boys and one for girls. A car model for boys which comes with racing software and all the same educational software as the girl's except for it has a logic program that the girl's package lacks and instead of the digital camera that the girls get the boys get a steering wheel and pedals for extra controlers. And a flowery doll one for girls which comes with a lot of doll programs and the same intellectually challenging games as the boys' except without the logic training program.
See I find it odd that the girls would not be given the same educational programs but the same games otehr than the racing games being replaced with games about dolls. The bigger games that are included are the same for boys and girls. One game that I find to be interesting is one that requires a great deal of logical and inductive, as well as deductive, thought and reasoning. Are they assuming that the girsl don't need the extra training in logic and can do this game without help or are they assuming that girls can't get logic anyway so why bother?
I found it odd that the toy company which markets these computers would want to limit the consumer base by actually titling these computers as one for boys and one for girls. Since fewer and fewer people are into applying limited sex roels ont heir kids nowadays I would figure that they would be more inclined to label the computers on theme. Something like "Computer for kids who like racing" and "Computer for kids who like dolls" or something like that. But the add actually identifies them separately on opposite sides of the flyer.
This mostly nothers me because, although I like the colour scheme on both, I would rather have the flowery "girl's" design because it looks so psychadellic. I do have to add that the blue with flames look is really cool on the "boy's" computer too so it would be a toss up of the "girl's" computer didn't come with that digital camera. Who wants a bunch of racing games when you can use a digital camera for practically anything?
Anyway I think that this ad campaign is for the sexist dogs that made it and not for kids who should be raised without any extra limitations. I mean we don't need any more false limitations on us. We've each got our own personal limitations to deal with we don't need to go around creating more for everyone. Some people can't run as fast as others, some people can't paint as well as others, some can't drive cars as well as others, and some can't pick out an outfit as well as others. One thing is for sure though, sex has nothing to do with any of these.
Toy companies really ought to have been the first ones to stop with this sexist garbage. If they want to sell to everyone they should give everyone the sense that anyone could buy thier products and not just people of certain genders. I mean how are boys who like dolls going to feel about buying from that toy company when they're being called girls? And just incase you're thinking that kids don't know the difference between toy complanies; if you make kids cry thier parents have to deal with it and they'll remember what your company name is.
Anyway I'm gonna get going but first let me add that when I was growing up I had both racing cars and dolls so personally I think that they should have a computer with flowers and racing stripes, and dolls who teach logic. Sound like a fair mix to you?
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
So this week I've decided to whine about being sick. No one ever give sick people that type of understanding that they deserve. I mean imagine yourself in their shoes. You can't breathe, you hurt ALL over, you haven't got enough energy to get out of bed half the time and then when you do you're not supposed to, you're bored, lonely, and you want desperately to be waited on hand and foot...not to mention that you look like crap and there's nothing that you can do about it.
Okay, so I've got pneumonia so I'm feeling a little under sympathised. Now I'm a special case because I got bronchitis when I was little so whenever I get a soar throat I get bronchitis and from time to time it develops into pneumonia, but some people just get a little sick so that they can leave the house and they run into this stuff even more than me (locked in my room all lonely). People expect me to walk up and down stairs when the doctor gave me an inhailer just to help me breathe normally. I'm coughing up a lung and I'm getting looked at like I'm being overly pathetic when I can't run to get the door.
Oh this is my favorite part. Have you ever noticed how when you're sick it's your fault. You get this "if I get sick..." and "don't give it to me..." threats from people. As if you could either control where you got it from or where it goes from you. People cough around you and then give you this look like you just walked up to them and injected them with their death. As if you're any more to blame for being sick than they are...but you just gave them the flu or a soar throat.
What's my point? Here's my point; if a friend of your's is sick go and keep them company, feed them, and don't blame them if you get the same cold that they have (the one that's been going around and you would have caught even if you'd never met). I mean how are you going to want to be treated when you get sick? Oh, and if you've never been sick, you're lucky, but I garauntee that you will be someday and just like colds, what goes around comes around so treat your sick friends with respect and sympathy.
Email me at ryan_fea@hotmail.com
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Higher
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets
Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?
Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine
Written by Tremonti/Stapp Published by Tremonti/Stapp Music
(Adm. by Dwight Frye Music, Inc.)/Dwight Frye Music, Inc. (BMI)
Produced, Engineered & Mixed by John Kurzweg. Lyrics were copied from www.creednet.com,on the lyrics page.
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