What's new with me? Well, a lot has been going on since I last updated these pages. My spouse and I have split up, for one thing. We had been in counseling since spring of '98, and even though I felt confident that we could work things out, she asked me for a divorce. At some point my spouse decided that she'd had enough. It's been very difficult for her, but in spite of this she has been very supportive of me. She just doesn't want to be married to me. She felt that in order to preserve our friendship of twenty years, that we shouldn't be married, and I can understand that. Sometimes we are faced with difficult choices, and this is one of those times. Our divorce was final on April of '99, but we still remain good friends, and for this I am very grateful.
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Here is an excerpt from my diary, explaining some of the stuff that has been going on:
My life keeps getting stranger & stranger. My wife met with our marriage counselor "one on one" tonight. I was cooking dinner when she came home. I asked her how it went.
She said, "Interesting - He said that the only way I can learn to deal with this is to confront it. So get dressed."
I said, "can I eat first?"
So we ate, I got dressed. I wore a black turtleneck sweater & a black skirt with a red flower print, black stockings an my clunky heels. At some point I was ready, and asked if she was ready. I came out of the spare room, she just smiled and looked at me for a while. Eventually she said, "you're wearing a lot of makeup, aren't you?"
"I'm trying to hide my beard," I said. "doesn't always work," I joked.
"How can you walk in those shoes?" ( she never wears heels).
"No problem! these are the most comfortable shoes I own," I said.
She asked about my earrings, and where I got my clothes and stuff. I made tea and we watched a movie. (Steel Magnolias, followed by Tootsie. How appropriate.) She fell asleep in front of the TV. Just another normal night.
SATURDAY:
I get up this morning, She asks me "why aren't you wearing your clothes?"
"Should I?" I ask.
"Yes,"
I make coffee, thaw some bacon for breakfast. She asks me again, "Why aren't you 'dressed'?"
"I'm going to take a shower," I say.
I shower, shave, put on makeup. I put on a pair of Black velour leggings over a pair of black pantyhose. I have a black & burgundy print tunic top I got at Mendocinos and a pair of black platform sandals I got at Walmart to complete the ensemble. I make breakfast, we eat and watch TV. She comments on the TV show, and we make small talk. She doesn't say anything about my outfit or anything. Very weird.
I worked on some computer stuff, did my nails. She is napping by the Tv right now. I've got to go out & pick up the dry cleaning and mail a letter. Life, no matter how weird, is still apparently normal. I just wish she would say something. Positive, negative, critical, or what. I know she has opinions, she was never shy about expressing them before. This is very unlike her.
SUNDAY:
I got up, happy as a clam. I put on my pantyhose, a skirt, a bra, T-shirt and went to make coffee. I'm sitting in my chair in the living room drinking my coffee, my spouse comes in and says, "I can't do this any more. I want you out."
I remember thinking to myself, "It's this wig, isn't it?" But I thought better of saying it out loud.
So we talked about the mundane implications, finances, time frame, etc. I get the computer, my scooter, the desk, the futon, all of "my" stuff. She isn't going to sell the house. I may have to help out with the mortgage. She initially said she would pay for the divorce, but later said we should split it. We talked about getting a notarized agreement previous to doing any legal stuff, just to clarify things. I agreed.
Then she told me she wanted to be alone. I left, went out to the desert for a while. I expected to be feeling very emotional, but I have mostly felt relief. The waiting and uncertainty is finally over. This is not necessarily the outcome I wanted, but at least my life isn't on hold, waiting for some resolution that never seems to come. Now I am thinking about things differently. Thinking about going "full time." Thinking about finding a career venue where I would feel comfortable going through that transition. Thinking about eventual surgery (!). Thinking about how I am going to explain all of this to my family. Getting a divorce is one thing, all of this other stuff is something else.
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I have been living in my own apartment since November of '98, but we still see each other almost every day. Living apart is still difficult for us, but we manage somehow. There are still issues to be resolved, but we are doing OK.In December '98, I sent a letter to my parents and siblings, explaining my gender "situation," my divorce, and basically coming out to them for the first time. So far, everyone has been supportive of me, and either wrote back or called to express their support. I visited my family over the Holidays, and got a chance to to talk to my sisters about my gender issues. I also spent some time with my best friend of 25 years, and he basically said to me that he would still be my best friend no matter what. So now I feel that a big hurdle has been overcome, and I feel a little more confident about just being who I am.
So, check out my new picture pages, sign my guest book and drop me a line if you want to discuss any of these issues with someone who is dealing with these things.
