I had my first appointment with Dr. Lisa Snow, an endocrinologist in Berkeley. Again my wife was with me in both her office and the examination room. I was glad she was there to help me answer some of the questions that were asked. After a complete physical she provided me with daily prescriptions for Premarin-2.5 mg, Provera-10 mg, and Spironolactone-100 mg.

I had an appointment with my personal doctor. After checking my shoulder for a problem I was having, I revealed to him that I was a transsexual. I also provided him a copy of my referral letter. He had never had anyone like me before in his practice of many years so he was interested in learning more. He asked me several questions and I answered them to my best ability. I then asked him if he would order the lab work for me so that it would be covered by my insurance. He said he would. And he did. I also asked about the prescriptions. He also rewrote them under my male name also for the purpose of being covered by my insurance.

Later that day I went to the drug store and gave them the prescriptions. I was expecting them not to be covered by insurance. But I was wrong. They were covered and I paid $20.00 for a month's supply. Thus far, I consider myself fortunate.

On the night of November 20, 1998 during dinner with my wife I took my first set of pills and the process began.

During the coming months I will provide updates as my journey unfolds. Specific and relevant events, ups and downs, will be documented for your reference.

One week following taking the initial doses of hormones I started feeling a tingling sensation around the breast area. It felt like little tiny pins taping at my insides. There was also a feeling of heat as well in the same area. I was wondering if this was real or was it my imagination taking over. I was surprised I felt something so soon.

While looking in the mirror after taking a shower I noticed, for the first time, shadows under my breasts. Does that mean they are already starting to grow? I, now, am truly amazed. I asked Pat if she thought there was a difference and she replied, "Yes!" I may just be lucky or maybe it is because I am 51. Whatever, it is still astonishing to say the least.

A few days later I was also noticing that my breast forms were no longer fitting the same way. They were filling out the bras more than they used to. Then it truly must be ME!

Now my wife is telling me I am looking more and more feminine. I even went outside without makeup wearing blue jeans and a man's blue oxford shirt. Pat thought I looked just fine. Maybe my facial features are also changing. This seems to be too soon for these kind of changes. But who really knows how each body handles hormones. I am excited about the changes and I feel very good emotionally.

This evening at dinner I had an emotional period with thoughts of regret for putting my wife through my transition. I told her that I had been roaming the desert for 40 years and only now am I beginning to see the Promised Land. I also said that I am sorry she has to put up with all of this. She saw my tears flow, reached over and took my hand and led me to the bedroom. We got on the bed and she held me in her arms and allowed me to cry and let my emotions be released. I was deeply moved by what she did.

This is the one-year anniversary of my telling my wife, Pat, about me being a CD, at least that is what I thought I was at the time. You can read about how she found out at the end of my bio. A lot has happened since then and I am grateful to her for her understanding and support. She has been a tremendous help in my acquisition of a substantial wardrobe and, of course, she was my friend when going out to everything, movies, restaurants and TG events. My first time out was with her to the movies.

Something important happened today that you might think is insignificant. My wife bought mini-season tickets to the San Francisco Symphony. We will be attending four shows through the month of May. This was a sign to me of a long-term commitment. I still was not sure if she could make it through all the turmoil. This act said it all. I thanked her again for her support.

Pat and I spent this day in San Francisco. I wore a beautiful black velour dress, a pearl necklace, and a green overcoat (with a Christmas pin on the lapel). I thought I looked wonderful and felt great. Our first stop was for brunch at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel. The brunch ($47/person) was wonderful but the service was only adequate. I had one reading there by a young teenage girl who talked with her mother. Otherwise, it went very well. Then we went to see the San Francisco Symphony Chorus and their Candlelight Christmas performance. This was excellent and I was completely comfortable there and had a great experience. After the performance we visited with a TS friend in the city.

Today my wife noticed a small pouch developing directly above the genital area. This was something I didn't expect so soon. But, indeed, it was there, that little female bulge just below the waist. My hips seem to be taking shape as well.

Today is what I consider a monumental event in my life. While I was delivering to a store I noticed a young woman holding a newborn baby. I suddenly felt an intense desire to hold it. I never even when my son was born felt like I did this day. It was a revelation that I relished. The desire to nurture and care for a baby. The female hormones were having their effect. I told Pat that I consider having the opportunity to experience both sides is such a privilege. I truly enjoyed this feeling and I spent the remainder of the day in joy, and continual smiles. The following day continued this feeling of contentment and it was wonderful and exhilarating.

The next three days were strictly spent as Gary. Pat and I, and our son, Dan, went to my brother's home in Reno to spend Christmas with he and his family. It was to be my last Christmas as Gary. My wife thought about that aspect for a while. During those three days I did go through periods of stress and anxiety not being able to express the real me and I was glad to get back home and feel free to be who I am.

Pat and I, as Gary, went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant and I discovered new senses in taste that I never paid attention to before. All of my previous life I ate because I was hungry, enjoying the taste, but not remembering the sensations. This night I ate each bite enjoying all the variety of flavors and textures in the food. Was this because of the hormones allowing me to be more sensitive or is it because I am becoming more relaxed with who I am? Interesting, but I love the changes, nevertheless. When we got home, I had been noticing changes in my face. I told Pat to look at my eyes in some old pictures then to look at me closely. She was stunned to see the difference. My bottom eyelids had softened and opened so that my eyes looked bigger. And I think more feminine.

I have decided to make a New Year's resolution that I will make sure I keep. I will enter the year 2000 living my life full-time as a woman. I do hope it can be much sooner than that. First several people have to be told and I have to resolve work issues. I don't foresee any major difficulties along those areas though.

Last Saturday, January 2^nd, I had been out shopping as Karen and decided to stop by and see a friend I had been out with before as Karen. She works at a service station I deliver to twice a week. I was going to ask her if she would like to go to the movies with me. But, unfortunately, a manager from one of the other stations was there with her daughter and they were going to lunch after she got off of work. I talked with them for a few moments. They went inside and my friend said she thought the manager didn't recognize me. I said that was good and that if she wanted she could tell her it was I. Well, she did, and the manager was surprised it was I. So, today I decided to stop and talk with the manager at the other store. I deliver there as well. She commented how she would have never known. Then she told me what her daughter said. Her daughter, around 7 or 8, said to her mother, "She's a pretty lady, Mom!" I smiled and said, "Tell your daughter that this lady said thank you very much." It made for a very nice day.

Earlier in the week while driving between stops I saw a bumper sticker that caught my eye. I had been revealing myself to many of my customers (around 150 people now know) and only a few had comments like "Why?" or "Why would you want to do something like this?" Otherwise, all were quite supportive. In fact, I have been having fun with some of the older male clerks by showing my picture and asking if they would mind having her deliver there instead of me. Their faces would brighten up and then I would reveal that it would be me in a few months. One store manager when looking at the picture and knowing that it was I said, "I like her (pointing to the picture)!" As he walked away a female clerk said, "But not you! " I had to laugh. Because of the question, "Why?" I needed to see that bumper sticker. It said, "There is no alternative to being yourself." It immediately lifted my spirits. Many of my customers have reflected the same sentiment only with different words. I am grateful they are so supportive.

Today my wife, Pat, and I went to San Francisco to eat lunch, see a movie, and walk around the shops. This day it was in the Marina district of San Francisco. We first walked around the shops finally buying a beanie baby, Spunky, the cocker spaniel. We ate lunch next to the movie theater and then saw the movie, Saving Private Ryan. It had been out a while and that was about the only place it was still showing. I enjoyed the movie and did not hold back the tears at the touching moments. After the movie I had made plans to call a TS friend and see if we could get together. While at the telephone booth my wife was looking at me intently. When I finished the conversation she said to me, "You look like a woman." I replied, "Thank you for the compliment!" She said, "It was not a compliment. It was an observation." I was moved by her dispassionate response.

It has now been seven weeks since the start of HRT and I am beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me. I feel so good all the time. I have never felt so right in all my life. These hormones must agree with me.

While talking with my wife, I asked her, what I thought was, a tough question, "What would you call your relationship with me?" She paused and thought for a moment, then said, "I am not heterosexual. I am not a lesbian. I am Gary(Karen)sexual (or yousexual)." It was a very revealing and thoughtful reply to my question. Many times we try to label relationships and people. We need to get past that and allow people to be who they are.

This morning I got up early and dressed and took off for the stores to go shopping. I went into JC Penney's and bought two white blouses to use for work, and I also found a nice casual white knit sweater. I had been looking for one for quite a long time. It was perfect. I went from there to Macy's where I looked at the clearance rack and found the perfect black wool skirt I had also been looking for. On my way out of Macy's was the surprise. I noticed on another clearance rack a black wool blazer. I walked over to it and looked at the price, listed at $216, now $108. I wasn't sure about this but I had to try it on. As I opened the coat, the only one in black and in my size, I realized it was a Jones New York. No wonder the price. When I tried it on I knew I just had to have it. It had four buttons, short in length, tapered at the waist and flared at the bottom. It looked fantastic. Now, what do I do. I never purchased anything of that value before so I left and hoped the coat would still be there when I tell Pat about it.

When Pat returned home from a luncheon engagement with her mother and sisters I told her about the coat. She said okay let's check it out. I changed for the TGIF function we were going to that night and drove to Macy's. When Pat saw it on me she said buy it. I didn't hesitate. I loved it!

At the TGIF function were about 30 people in attendance. We hadn't seen them in two months so we made the rounds. While there several people commented how my face was glowing. It must be because I am happy I told them. During the week before I received the same comment from my customers. Something was definitely happening to me and it was positive. I was truly feeling great.

This day began uneventfully but later that evening I called my pastor from the church I attended. I told him I had something important and personal to talk about. I tried to make an appointment for the following day but he was unavailable so he said, "Why not tonight?" I said sure. So Pat and I quickly straightened the house. He arrived and we sat down to talk. When I told him I was a transsexual he was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to say. He asked several questions and I provided him my webpage information. He said he would get back to me later in the week.

Today was a special day for me because Pat and I for the first time discussed the possibility of setting a date for my going full-time as a woman. And as a matter of fact, we did. We decided for me to start full-time by June 1^st. This was a huge step we had just taken.

On this day I also was in a reflective mood and began thinking about the bible and the greatest commandment, to love the Lord your God…and to love your neighbor as yourself. I realized that I never even liked myself in the past so how could I have loved people. But now since HRT I was truly beginning to love myself because I was feeling complete and whole and not just a hollow individual. With this discovery I also was finding it easier to love others. I thought how wonderful this was.

The pastor from my church e-mailed me with a request to meet again on Friday and that he would be bringing one of the founding members of our church, who also happened to be a clinical psychologist experienced with TG and TS issues. I knew him very well so this would not be a problem. I sent him a time and waited for Friday to come.

This was the day where we would find out where our church stood on this issue. We figured it would not be positive but still held out hope. Well, that didn't happen. The pastor and the clinical psychologist came in and sat down with us and began to tell us that our chosen lifestyle is incompatible with the church's teachings and basically we are no longer welcome to the church. I asked the pastor could he cite any passages from scripture to support his view and he could not because he said there is nothing that specifically relates to this issue. I left it there. The psychologist then turned to me and said that what I am doing is changing what God had created. I disagreed thoroughly and asked what is the difference from those born with deformities and mental problems that have been helped my medical treatment. He said that was different because I was changing the very essence of my being and that Gary would no longer exist. I replied that my mind, my intellect and will, that is made in the image of God, is not changing and the past experiences will not be forgotten so the essence of my being still remains intact. Only the temporary body is changing. Of course, my mental and emotional status is also in adjustment but I am the same person inside only better. They didn't have much to say to that. I continued.

In addition, I told them that the Greatest Commandment, told by Jesus, was to love the Lord your God…and to love your neighbor as yourself. But how could I ever fulfill this commandment when I never even liked, much less loved, myself. Now, since I have started HRT, I feel complete and so full of life I love myself and find it ever so easy to love others. Then, I asked, isn't that more pleasing to God? They left without much more to say. We hugged and said goodbye. I believe they left with a little knot in their stomach knowing that there is truth in what I said. It is too bad that the Christian community can turn their back on people who also are Christian but come in a slightly different outer package. This narrow-mindedness does not serve God well.

This day was quite the opposite of the day before. Early in the morning I got up and did my nails and got dressed. Pat joined me and we set off for Berkeley with a few stops in between. We were going to Berkeley to spend the day with Pat's boss (male). He had only seen me as Gary a few times before but never as Karen. We met and he never skipped a beat in treating us well. He took us shopping, lunch, his condo for wine and cheese, movie (Stepmom), then back to his place for more wine and snacks, and finally, to dinner. It was truly a wonderful and very enjoyable day with him. He was very cordial and kind to both of us. He always referred to me as Karen and didn't even give it a second thought. I felt really great when this day was over. It was the first test with someone who was not associated with the TG community. Well, almost, I did go dancing with a GG once with Pat's permission at the local gay club. I wanted to see what that was like. I had fun.

Today I decided to tell my work about me. I walked into the sales manager's office and told him I had something personal to talk with him about. When I told him I was TS he just sat there dumbfounded. He said he thought he had seen everything but obviously he was wrong. I also showed him a picture of me as Karen. I told him it was important that I give him a heads up on my going full-time as Karen in four months (June 1^st). He and I spent the next 30 minutes talking. I said that I had spoke with all of my customers and they were accepting or supportive save one who is very quiet. I explained in detail what was going on with me including the HRT. It was a good discussion and very calm. As I was leaving he said, "You've got a nice ass!" We both laughed. I turned and said that is what my wife says. I think she is jealous. I told this story to someone else later and they said I should charge him with sexual harassment. I laughed and said, "At my age of 51, I'll accept any compliment, crude or not." Of course, I was joking!

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