Today was my first appointment with a hair stylist. Connie is a wonderful lady, and she took her time explaining what she was doing and why. She cut my hair in a feminine style; a blunt cut and said to let it grow longer. She told me to use Rogaine on my receding hairline because it may work. My bald spot in back had already received some growth so there was some promise. It was a pleasurable experience and I have rescheduled an appointment for March 11^th for coloring, cut and styling. I can't wait to see what it will look like then.

After going home I became very reflective. I thought about everything that has happened over the past 13 1/2 months since I first told Pat I was a crossdresser. Is this really happening? When I hear songs like "My Heart Will Go On" (I think of my two selves and the passage from Gary to Karen) and "One True Friend" (I think of my life partner, my wife, my friend, Pat) I cry and cry and cry.

I went to the California Department of Motor Vehicles and picked up a gender identity change form. This will be a major step in going full-time. When my therapist signs this form it will allow the letter "F" to replace the letter "M" on my driver's license.

When I went into the office I asked where I could pick up the form. They sent me to a window. No one was there so the lady at the next window asked, "What are you looking for?" (She had a person at her window at that time) I told her I am a transsexual and needed the form. Seemingly embarrassed, she walked over to me and whispered that she would get someone to take care of it. A lady finally came over and then went to look for the form. It took her quite a while to find it. When she returned I asked if it was form #328. She asked, "Why didn't you tell me you knew the form number?" I responded, "You didn't ask!" Anyway, I finally got the form and can't wait to take it to my therapist.

Tonight I set my hair for the first time (for real). My hair was actually long enough. As a child I used to do this but my hair was too short. I slept in the rollers. When I woke up the next morning it looked nice after I combed it out.

This was to be a big day. Today I will be telling my son, Dan, about Karen. I was truly apprehensive about his reaction. Pat and I left Santa Rosa early in the morning for our drive to Scotts Valley. Our son lives in our house there. We took him to lunch. After lunch we sat in the car and I began. I told him first of all what I am about to tell him will change his image of me forever. I told him that I love him. I then asked him not to interrupt until I was finished with what I had to say. I then said that I would respect whatever decision he makes regarding me. I started with my life story and continued to where I told him I am a transsexual and that I had started taking hormones and will be living my life full-time as a female in June.

His first reaction was to burst into tears. This was heart wrenching to say the least. It hurt! His first words were, "You stayed together for me all these years!" He thought that Pat and I would be separating and his family would disintegrate. Together Pat and I reassured him we had no intentions of going our separate ways. This helped. But then he thought about what his friends would think and how it would affect his relationship with them. Of course, this is very important to him.

We took a drive to the beach in Santa Cruz and talked on the way. While there I excused myself and let Pat and Dan talk by themselves. They talked for about one hour and while Pat was in the middle of a sentence, Dan abruptly turned and walked toward the car where I was sitting and opened the door, got me out, and we hugged for a few minutes. He said, "No matter what, you are my Dad, and I will always love you." It brought tears to my eyes. We both cried. Where do we go from here? At this point he was in no position to even consider looking at a picture of me. He said it would take him a while before that can happen.

Today was the worst day of my life. I was terribly depressed by how I had hurt my son. When I got home all I wanted to do was go to bed and hide under the covers. I was miserable. Pat had never in all our years of marriage ever seen me this depressed. She was deeply concerned. This evening though, fortunately for me, I was able to talk with Dan and he told me we would get through this together. It gave my spirit a boost. I was glad I talked with him.

I would like to tell all of you friends, that I have met during this time in the chat rooms, Debbie's Den Pink Room, TG Forum, Emergence, and others, I am deeply grateful for your support. You do not know what a tremendous help you are. You have brought me through some very tough times.

Today I had an opportunity to dress and go out and do errands. I wore a beautiful print skirt, a green turtleneck, and a bulky beige sweater. I went to the bank and shocked the teller who I see all the time. At first she didn't recognize me, she knew of Karen, she had seen a picture, but was quite surprised at how well I passed. I then went to see my manicurist and hair stylist, the pharmacy where I pick up my hormones. The lady there was wonderful and remembered my name (Karen). The prescription is under my male name. Today I also received some nice e-mail from people I had never met before. Over all, this was a fabulous day.

Today while in the Pink Room someone asked if there were any side effects to taking hormones. I laughed, then responded with, "Why, of course, larger hips!" I hope you got it. Side effects=Larger hips!!! Since starting HRT my body has been adjusting to the hormones. My breasts were growing, my hips were getting larger, my skin was softer, my waist was shifting up about two inches and getting smaller, my eyes looked bigger, my face has softer features, my fingers and feet were thinner. And most of all, my hair was growing all over the top of my head.

While in one of our daily discussions Pat asked me if I considered myself Pre-Op or Non-Op, without pause, I replied, "Pre-Op". I told her that I would prefer the surgery but would set it aside if she felt that our financial security would be jeopardized. I did not want to create problems between us when she has been so supportive of everything. She understood. She is concerned because of other transsexuals we know the sexual orientation took a turn after the surgery. I told her I believe it has a lot to do with the current relationship status. The others had no partner through all of it. If I didn't have Pat and I had surgery I could see the desire for a person of the new opposite sex.