Chapter
2
Early
Years
My first memory of myself is when I was three. As is the practice in India, at the age of about two and a half, I was admitted to school and went to the Kindergarten classes.
It was a co-educational school and boys and girls studied together. We learnt the alphabet, numbers and motor co-ordination. One of my favorite pastimes in school was playing with toys. Strangely, I found that I liked playing with the girls more than the boys. The girls were also very happy to have me play with them. In their games of playing "House", I was always the "Papa" who went to the office and came home to dinner. I loved being "Papa" all the time because I did not need to do anything - just come home and lord it over the girls!
Once or twice I became an Amma. Probably that was the first of my transgendered experiences. I was told this by my sister, Krishna, many years later. She knew it because one of my classmates is now a very good friend of Krishna's. But this friend does not remember as to whether I enjoyed it or not.
In the first standard, I shifted to a Boys Only school. The reason was that this school had very high standards of education. Coming from a rich and highly respected family, I did not have much difficulty in gaining admission to the school. In addition, I am an above average student so I was also expected to be one of those who would earn laurels for the school academically.
It was in my seventh standard that I had my first female impersonation experience. As usual, it was for a play in school. I was eleven years old then. Krishna was fourteen but had not attained complete puberty till then. Saroja was already a full grown woman and her marriage was scheduled later that year.
One evening I returned home and told my mother that I was selected to act in a school play. It was a play based on the story of Dushyant-Shakuntala. My mother was a little intrigued because how could there be a Shakuntala play in a Boys only school.
It so turned out that our class teacher was getting a little fed up of enacting only masculine plays like those based on Shivaji and Basaveshwara where the female characters were there only for minor diversions. Instead she said, "Let us take up a challenging play this time and go for a play in which the female character had a significant presence in the story".
My mother was curious and she asked me what role I was playing. I told her, “I can play only a leading role”. "Oh you are Dushyant". "No". I replied. "What?" she asked me. "I thought you are playing the leading role". "Yes I am playing a leading role but I am playing Shakuntala!". "Why not Dushyant?" Asked my mother. "Actually I wanted a challenge", I replied.
She was fascinated. She said, "but will you be up to being a girl?" I said, "I think so". "Don't be too confident" my mother sounded ominous. "I think I will manage". I said. "You know best but if you want to opt out, just feel free and if necessary I will talk to your teacher". "Don't worry" I assured my mother.
Little did I know how difficult it would be. After the first one or two days of rehearsals, I found that I was nowhere convincing like an extremely feminine character like Shakuntala.
I went to my sister Krishna and told her of my dilemma. She offered to help. She also asked Saroja to help. Saroja was happy too to help out.
Krishna fetched an exercise book from her bookshelf. She drew a line on the floor and asked me to walk on the line with my feet always on the line. It was difficult at first but soon I was managing it.
Next she placed the book on my head and asked me to walk without letting the book fall. Now that was difficult. You should try this. Place the book on your head and walk a few steps. It is very difficult balancing the book on your head AND walking without letting the book fall.
After I managed to make a few rounds of my room with the book on my head, Krishna now made me walk on the line with the book on my head. That was even more difficult and it took me some thirty minutes of trying and failing before I first succeeded in walking the full length of the line without the book falling.
Just as I was savouring this success, Krishna now asked me to walk on the line with the book on my head and my arms at an angle of thirty to forty degrees from my body. I never managed that on that day. But the one result of this exercise was that I found that I was getting a swing of my hips which I had never thought I had!
Krishna was very happy with the results of the first day. She asked me when the play was and I replied that it was for the Annual Day which was some three weeks away. "Loads of time" she said and assured me that by the end of the three weeks, I would be so convincing a Shakuntala that even Appa (Father) would not recognise me!
The next day the same walk rehearsals continued. But today, I managed to walk the entire length of the line without the book falling and with a swing of my hips. Now Krishna said, "Let us see if some of my old clothes fit you".
She had Saroja bring some of her old blouses and saree petticoats. From them, she chose a pair which matched each other in colours.
I was asked to remove my shirt and vest. On my bare chest, I wore Krishna's blouse. These clothes were those which Krishna had worn a couple of years earlier when she was my age. I discovered that the blouse was a little loose on my breasts. I asked her how that was so.
Well she explained to me that girls always have some loose flesh on their chests which are the buds from which breasts grew once they reached the age of 12 or 13. I looked from Krishna to Saroja and found that Saroja did have grown breasts which Krishna just had small protuberances. My chest comparatively was flat like a billiard table!
The blouse was a little tight on the sleeve too. Saroja had a solution to that. With a safety pin, she quickly removed one seam of Krishna's old blouse and the blouse now fit me like it was stitched for me! Saroja also did something very odd at that time. She folded two of Krishna's handkerchiefs into pyramid shapes and inserted them into my blouse making small breast like growths on my chest. And with Krishna's saree petticoat, all of a sudden I had a very convincing girl-like silhouette.
With this dress on, Krishna asked me to practice my walk again. This time I was very feminine in my walk. The petticoat swished around my ankles, my arms swung around my hips and my whole body seemed to move from side to side as my buttocks got a very lady-like movement. I knew I was getting things right because of the way in which both Krishna and Saroja stared at me as I walked on the line.
There was one last thing before we ended our practice. Saroja brought Krishna a tape measure and Krishna measured me on the breasts, under them, on my sleeve, on my waist and on my hips. As she noted them on a piece of paper, she said, "Tomorrow, we will do something to make you look even more like Shakuntala".
The next day things progressed a little more. Today, Krishna had got a new kind of a garment which she called a Bra. It was of size 32B she explained - something I did not understand at that time. This was a new piece of garment for me as I had never seen a bra before. It turned out that Krishna had started wearing a bra under her clothes only from the previous month so she was familiar with the sizing methods. God! These girls seem to know so much about growing up that we boys are literally babes in the woods!
Soon I was stripped to my shorts and Krishna had me slip my arms in the bra and she hooked the bra on my back. The bra fitted me perfectly - and why not after all Krishna had measured me the previous day and bought a bra of my size! In those days, bras in India were made of cotton and the only elastic on a bra was in the fasteners. Also most bras were white coloured as was this one. Rarely were any other coloured bras ever seen. Krishna adjusted the shoulder straps until the cups covered what would have been my breasts if I were a girl. Out came Krishna's handkerchiefs again and were used to fill up the bra cup. When I wore the blouse, I found that even my posture changed. I was more straight backed than before and I looked really like a girl.
Krishna had one more trick up her sleeve. She produced three saree petticoats today. Two of them were shorter than the third whose length was appropriate for my height. Krishna had me wear the short ones first - one on top of the other - and then I wore the long one outside. The result was that my hips looked even more feminine than the previous day.
She had Saroja bring a Chunri from the cupboard which she draped over me like a half saree which many of the girls in South India wear. Then she had me do a little bit of walking practice - something I was now an expert at. After that, she said there were certain things I needed to know.
'The first thing to remember", she said, "is to take shorter steps. If you notice, with the two additional petticoats inside the outer one, you are unable to take longer strides. Watch Amma or me or Saroja, we are unable to take long strides while walking in sarees. You will also have to learn to walk in that way."
"The next thing is to sit like a woman. Look at us. When we sit, we don't sit with our legs separated. That is because we do not have anything between our legs which we need to keep pressing against our bodies" (Unfairly enough, I thought, both Saroja and Krishna giggled at the last remark.) "If you want to be a girl with a convincing appearance, you should start sitting with your legs closed. Lastly, since you have nearly three weeks to go for your play, grow your nails till then. On the morning of your play, I will trim them to size and apply nail polish on it like any real girl would do."
I listened to this very carefully. Little was I to know that in later years, these few pieces of advice were to help me pass like a real woman in real life too.
"Tomorrow, we will make you up too. I have asked Amma to contact a person who specializes in Bridal make up to help out."
As I went to bed that night, I really did not know whether it was a good idea to have accepted the challenge of playing Shakuntala or not. Anyway, it would be cowardice to cry off now! I would go through it, come what may!
The next day, Amma indeed had asked Vijaya who was a very well known Bridal Makeup specialist in Mangalore to help out with the make up. Vijaya had also brought along a wig which would make the picture fully complete.
Before we started, I could not but help noticing that there were a couple of brown paper packages which had the logo of my sister's tailor on it. Krishna took me inside her room where besides us only Saroja was present.
Both of them helped me wear the bra and the two inner short saree petticoats. When I started to wear the blouse, Krishna said, "Wait. Here is something better."
She tore open the paper bag which, I now noticed, she had brought along inside the room. From that bag, she pulled out a very beautiful Purple coloured blouse with a Zari border on the sleeves and below the chest. "Wear this", she said to me.
"Where did you get that?" I asked her.
"It has been stitched specially for you," she replied.
"What? But no one took any of my measurements." I said.
"Let me explain." she said. "Do you think Amma or I or Saroja will allow any man to touch us while measuring us for our clothes? What we do is to give the tailor a sample of the best fitting of our clothes on whose measurements the tailor stitches the clothes. Minor adjustments are done by him when we explain what kind of adjustments are needed to be made. I gave the other older blouse with which you were practising as a sample to my tailor and he stitched a new blouse from that. Since one of the scenes in the play will require you to be dressed up as a bride, today's make up rehearsal will be with you dressed as a bride."
I was speechless. I did not realise it but of late I was starting to enjoy being dressed up as Shakuntala and each day I was actually looking forward to the rehearsals. In school also, my teacher was intrigued as to how my mannerisms each day were becoming increasingly feminine. I had explained that I was rehearsing behaving like a woman at home with Krishna.
After I was completely dressed, Vijaya was called in.
Vijaya looked at me and said, "I think Radha will make a beautiful bride.."
I was asked to lie down on the bed with my face near the edge of the bed.. Vijaya placed a napkin on my chest right up to my chin. Then she set out to make up my face. All kinds of containers, which I could not see were being opened and closed and I could feel Vijaya's fingers working on my face. Once in a while I was asked to close my eyes and I felt Vijaya's fingers on my eyelids. During all this while I did not move one bit.
Then she asked me stand up. She opened a long thin bottle and applied some black liquid on my eyelashes. Later I was to learn that it was a mascara. Then she pulled out an eyebrow pencil and shaped my eyebrows. She also used it on my eyes to give the appearance of Kaajal.
Last of all was the lipstick. Since I was to be dressed as a bride, she chose a bright red lipstick and used it on my lips copiously. During all this time, I did not have even one opportunity to look at myself in the mirror.
Next Vijaya pulled out a wig and brushed it to get a nice fall to the hair. The hair was a straight style and was of shoulder length.. She picked a black strip of cloth from her make up kit and tied it like a hair band just above where my own hair line started. After placing it on my head, she tied it tightly on my nape so that it would stay in place even if someone were to tug at it. The other hair on top of my head was combed and flattened on top of my scalp. Vijaya then used hair spray to have it stay in place. On top of all this, Vijaya now placed the wig. The hair from the wig was a little ticklish on my ears - I had never had such long hair on my head before!
Using some bob-pins, she attached the wig to the black strip of cloth. The result was that the wig was firmly attached to my head. Using some more bob-pins, she shaped the hair-piece in such a way that it looked like it was my own hair. Since the hairpiece itself was shoulder length, Vijaya pulled out one other hairpiece which was about 18 inches long. I had seen my mother use such a hairpiece when she wore her hair in a bun and was thus familiar with that. Using the strings that hold all the hairs in this hair piece together, Vijaya attached this hair piece to the wig and blended the wig hair into this second hair piece. From a distance as near as even two feet, it would seem like I had natural long hair! I was feeling the weight of all these attachments on my head. Now Vijaya braided my hair so that I had a long braid upto my buttocks.
Krishna now helped me to wear my bridal saree. It was a purple bodied saree. Since it was a full sized saree, I had quite a time wearing it and were it not for Krishna, Saroja and Vijaya's collective help, I would never have managed it! By now I was very curious about how I looked.
There was two things before I could see myself in the mirror - jewellery and bindi. Krishna gave Vijaya a set of necklaces, her own bangles and pair of earrings. When I saw the earrings, I was aghast - were they going to pierce my ears now! Well it turned out that the earrings were a different type - clip on earrings I learnt.
Krishna helped me wear the bangles and the necklace and Vijaya put the Bindi on my forehead. I was now ready. I started walking towards the mirror when Krishna stopped me - "Don't spoil the picture - walk like you have been taught to walk!"
I walked back and slowly walked to the mirror, swinging my hips, arms at an angle of 30 degrees to my torso, short steps all in one straight line.
Vijaya gasped! So did Saroja! And I was feeling the braid on my back swing from side to side. As I approached the mirror, I stopped. Looking back at me was a beautiful girl dressed up like a bride. I did not know that make up could achieve such a change in the appearance of a person. Radhakrishnan had completely disappeared and in his place was Radha the bride!
I knew there and then that I was going to give my very best acting
performance on stage!