Here is my place where I can finally loudly proclaim that I am a Lesbian and I love it. I am happier this way than I was when trying to be something I was not.....and though being a homosexual is fraught with its own problems, I have finally accepted what I am, and I intend to stay that way and to search for whatever love and happiness I may find in the life that is left to me.
I fought with and denied my sexuality for most of my life. Each time hoping that if I "ignored" the feelings I had that they would "go away". But they would come to the surface more and more frequently until I could no longer ignore that which I knew, in my heart, was true. In July, 1987 I met a gay man who I think recognized my inner struggle, (they say that the men have better "gaydar" than women)and he gave me a copy of the New Voice of Nebraska, a Gay/Lesbian magazine. It was like handing me the keys to the closet and telling me that I could open the door and everything would be OK. I devoured the information within that magazine, reading and re-reading each page. It was the the first small step in my coming out process.
We are born this way, of that I have no doubt. I can remember a time when sex was not an act, but rather another name for gender, and gay another word for happy. I was 5-10 years old....I had never heard of Homosexuals or Lesbians, I didn't even know what sex or making love was all about but I remember wanting to hold and kiss the girl across the street, to lie with her and cuddle. I didn't know there was more or even could be more, at the time that was enough for me and I knew I could not have it, knew I shouldn't tell. I would go to sleep at night, hugging my pillow and pretending it was her.
I had other crushes too, as I grew up. Most would be for those I would call my best friends. Same story, knew I could never have what I wanted. But my interest was always with women. I could never communicate with a man like I could a woman, there was a kinship with women. But I lived a sheltered life, born Catholic and went to Catholic schools, they never mentioned the existence of alternative lifestyles. So I was left to think and feel that I was the only person in the world who felt as I did.
I dated men in High School and College because it was what was expected, the thing to do. There were no gay/lesbian support groups in those days, no outlet, and no information for those struggling with their sexuality. But I remember more the feeling of jealousy that could overwhelm me when one of "my ladies" went out on a date. I even wondered about being a man, I wanted what they(men)could have, and took for granted.
I married at age 26,again, it seemed like the thing to do at the time. I remember while taking the marriage vows, the part about "forsaking all others" and hoping that a Catholic Church which did not acknowledge the existence of Lesbians would understand if I still wanted to be able to look at women. Fortunately, there was a degree of freedom in that marriage. I was able to pursue my career and was never pressured to have children. Although, I think I would have been a good mother, and I miss not having had that experience, not having children made it easier to start my "new life" as a Lesbian. The early years of marriage weren't so bad, I was still denying, still hiding. Later, the freedom I had, allowed me to stay where I didn't belong. I was able to avoid sex and to bury myself in activities and interests that helped me to continue to ignore what was becoming increasingly obvious to me. It was far from being a storybook marriage, so when I left, I never told my husband the real reason. so many men are unable to understand Lesbians, and are hurt by such a revelation. I had no desire to hurt this man any more than I already had. If he has since figured it out, well I have no control over that. By the end, all I wanted was "out." I let him have the house, boat, and extra car, as long as I could have the things that were important to me, and the cash I had saved to "begin life again."
I always had to hide, never could let anyone too close, afraid they would see what I was trying to hide. I always had to maintain control over my emotions. I stuffed so many emotions in the proverbial closet, for so much of my life. I lived in fear that if I let someone get too close the might "see" and be horrified. It is a wonder that I was not eaten up from the inside by all the emotions that I was trying to hide and hide from. But there were times when I lost control, when the closet door flew open and I was all but overwhelmed by the emotions that gushed out. I would furiously scramble to regain control, to hold back the virtual floodwaters of emotion and to once again lock the closet door.
So often, I find myself envying the young Lesbians, they will avoid so much of the struggle that as consumed most of my life. I find myself wishing that someone would have taken me off to the side, one day, and told me to quit fighting a loosing battle. But I have also come to the conclusion that there is much wisdom in the old saying, "the apple will fall when it is ripe." I can look back and see opportunities, that came and went without my acting upon them, and until I became ready(ripe), I would continue to lock my feelings in the closet. I think it becomes a matter of finally being so uncomfortable in a "straight" life, that the fear of being gay and what we perceive that to mean is no longer so terrifying.
As I write this, I remember. Some of the memories make me smile, while others make me wonder why I wanted to write this in the first place. But overall, this is a healing experience for me. At the very least, I know which scars have healed, and which will still take some time to heal completely.
I have a Home Page elsewhere on the web, but I'm not "out" on that page...the link is below, it tells some other things about me.....
My Mom is cool, and while she is turning no cartwheels over my sexual orientation, she accepts me for what I am, and has accepted my signifigants as well. But she is terrified that someone else may "find out", including my stepfather, so I'll not give her this address. But it will be my page, where I can be me and not have to worry about the family of my birth finding it. Someday this page too will be more publicized, but for now.....well you all understand.....there are things you do for your mom that you would do for no one else.
It takes time to find love, and I found it some time ago. It only took me 4 years to decide to express that love publicly.
I found the love of my life, Rosemary, in a bar. You wouldn't think of that as the ideal place to find someone of the quality I found...but then I was there too. I was just looking to be with people and she was playing my favorite video game machine so I asked if I could kibitz (that's a card term for "look over your shoulder"). It started with watching, then taking turns, then closing the bar and going out for a snack.
In no time at all, and I mean that literally, we found that we were soul mates. We were "married" on June 1, 2002 in a lovely ceremony at the local Metropolitan Community Church. She wore a dress and I wore a tuxceedo, she was a lovely bride. This page, as most are, is under construction, I will be adding more to my story as time permits, but I want each and every part of the story to be "right" before I add it, and to add some more graphics, all those good things......come back again to see if I have done any better, and Thank-you for taking the time to allow me to share my life with you.
Please sign my guestbook:
(on the Geoguide at the top of the page) I want to be able to invite you all back for another party!
My interests are:
StarTrek, Computers, Games,Fun.
The description of my page is:
My Coming
Out Story
Email me at phausmann@msn.com in the meantime.
Please come back soon and visit me.
Links to other sites on the Web
Gay.Com says it all
ICQ
Star Trek
My Favorite Place
© 1997 phausmann@msn.com
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